Find content
Female
Choices are Changes
There is no such thing as stability.
The world is constantly changing ? and so are we.
Every waking hour, every moment of dream, every breath we take and every thought that crosses our mind is a moment of erasure, for the fleeting instant we call ?present? turns into past as soon as we relinquish our hold on what we want to stay. The very moment we chose the way we want to follow is the only ?now? we know.
The road ahead is the future we cannot see, and the path from which we have strayed is the bridge to our past which our every step towards the setting sun seems to break down.
There is no such thing as stability.
There are only choices to be made.
There are choices that are like opening a door and stepping in without knowing what may await us on the other side. I suppose that the very notion of a spontaneous choice has a certain recklessness to it since only a clairvoyant might be able to tell what might happen in the future - whether we will regret what we have done or not. But to us who cannot resort to this rare gift of sight, there is but one option left: To go ahead and tidy up the mess we have caused as soon as we have managed to disentangle ourselves from the greedy beasts that wait for us.
Or anything else we might rush into.
***
?That?s what I call early morning exercise, my Lady.?
?You are mistaken, dear. Common folks call it ?idiocy?. I appreciate your enthusiasm and your desire to find our target, but I certainly don?t think that the best technique to lure it out is to set off every single trap in this lovely keep. And for future reference: it is very unlikely to find a giant troll in a tiny alcove, even if there are golems around. Especially if there are golems around, you understand??
?There is no need to shout, my Lady, I comprehend your concern.?
?I am not talking about concern but rather about utter disaster! And now do me a favour and reanimate what is left of our merry companions before the remnants start to fall from the walls, for then we would have to sort them through. Now!?
?Even at the risk of repeating what I just said: There is no need to shout; I can hear you well enough. And if I might add another detail to the colourful picture you manage to paint of our current situation: It was you who ordered me to fetch the missing part of the flail out of that very alcove.?
?Anomen, dear, please revive Aerie first, so I may backstab you twit and feed you to some starving troll.?
?Pardon me, my Lady, what did you say??
?I just admired your clerical abilities. And your skill in terms of turning a deaf ear whenever I plan your sudden demise.?
***
There are choices we regret as soon as we realize what we have done. Life is like a stairway that links heaven and hell ? the farther you dare to go, the more important it is that you are not afraid of heights. As soon as we start to consider what consequences things might have, we start to worry and slow down, maybe even peering down into the depths that will swallow us if we fall.
There it is again ? it is recklessness that saves us from insanity. No, wait, coming to think of it? it has to be ignorance instead, for the reckless ones know they might face doom, but hardly care about it. It is the ignorant persons who realize their fate after it hits them in the face with a club of malevolence ? it is the ignorant ones who start to resent their choices.
***
?Finally! One might think you utterly distressed by the notion that a golem tried to flatten me until I fit into the parchment case, but you have taken your sweet time helping me! But what did I expect of an inept monkey? I should have known that you would start to climb any tree or stone pillar to save your filthy hide.?
?Thank you, deary, your constructive criticism is hereby noted. Now please shut your mouth before I do it for you ? I would not want to waste any spells on a broken jaw.?
?You dare to threaten me??
?Nice shriek, Edwin. Didn?t I tell you that you would adapt to being a woman sooner or later??
?I am most certainly not shrieking! Shouting, yelling, roaring ? maybe. But I do not shriek.?
?Sure. Unless you are annoyed, which you are only once a day. From sunrise till sunset. Why did I revive you anyway??
?Because an incompetent idiot like you would not survive long without a wizard as competent as I at your side.?
?Mea culpa! What would I do without you??
?Die a terrible death caused by your own mindlessness??
?Yeah, perhaps. And I would have to find someone else to fry me with a misled fireball.?
?Every comment duly noted. Remind me of making it two fireballs and an acid arrow the next time you insist on raiding a room full of golems after a day in a keep infested with trolls ? just to reward you for choosing four exhausting hours of eliminating Yuan-ti over some rest outside.?
?Alright, alright, I get it??
?You, as a mere swordswoman cannot even begin to understand the elation magicians feel when they are forced to fend off a monster with a fireball (and in a rather small room, at that) when they are already dizzy enough to see violet beholders train Thayvian step-dance in midair (not that I would ever hallucinate like that?).?
???
***
No choice is made without being influenced by anything. Everyone is biased in one way or another, has qualms about the results of what has been done or fears the outcome of what lies ahead, and every one of these unconscious influences as moral and ethics, aims and emotions, change the choices we make. Then, maybe, it is not ignorance that makes us choose, but rather the angel and the devil on our shoulders, conscience and the Slayer that inhabit us all ? and do not even try to argue that it is just me who hears an excited voice cheer in glee whenever another idiot hits the ground. Or the tip of a sword. Or a trap door, a hungry umber hulk, or? ahem. I seem to lose the thread. What was I talking about? Ah, yes ? the choices that are influenced. By impatience perhaps, by misery and utter irritation. And irritation certainly is an able advisor. Always encouraging, that one.
***
?Aerie, how are you??
?A bit light-headed, but it will do. I will be fine in a few hours, Ilyanna.?
?That?s great. Do you have any polymorph spells left??
?N-no, I think not. I hadn?t prepared any of them anyway, since you told us to focus on fire and acid.?
?Any acid left? Or anything to shut someone up? Something along the lines of ?Helm?s Heavenly Hush???
?Wouldn?t that be Anomen?s kind of s-spell??
?He has already almost exhausted his repertoire, and he?ll need the spells that are left to find out how to put Xan?s broken skeleton together again. Maybe we?ll need a necromant to tell us where to put the bone-splinters that are left over.?
?Was he hit by the golem??
?If you want to call it ?hit? when you end up in between a golem and a wall??
?Oh.?
?Indeed.?
?I suppose he was too tired to get away i-in time. He looked rather pale. Well. He always does. But today the dark circles around his eyes almost reached his ears??
?Yes, yes, I know. Let?s change the topic: Do you remember the cloak we found in the sewers that other day??
?The one that changed you into ??
?Exactly. Do you know where it is??
?As far as I remember, Haer?Dalis should have it. Along with some p-potions. Would you mind getting me one of them? I don?t think my ribs are already back to normal; they seem? inverted. Or criss-crossed.?
?Well, I think that?s what you get for hugging a golem.?
***
Thinking of the past, I have come to believe that our entire life is a result of some basic choices ? such as profession. I chose to learn how to pick a lock instead of turning other pupils into squirrels, and see where I got with that.
No, don?t.
Or at least ignore the fact that I messed up if you do.
Gorion knew it.
He always did. He told me to learn something decent, to pray to the gods or learn the ways of magic. But as a child, you do not make choices based on reason or common sense. As a child we are unable to tell how far we might make it with a profession we choose by intuition. We are fortunate, indeed, that there is something like a change of career should we come to the conclusion that we cannot continue things they way they are.
***
?Haer?Dalis, where is your backpack??
?Well, my raven, this I do not know. I seem to have lost track of some minor details while being killed.?
?Spare your sarcasm, you might need it someday. Do you remember where you got yourself flattened? Where did you hit the ground??
?Somewhere in this room, I suppose, since the dead do not travel far when they are burnt and buried by golem rubble.?
?Thank you very much, my fried chicken, I think I spotted it anyway. Move your head; you can have my cloak as a pillow.?
?What is it that you are searching for??
?I need the cloak we found in the sewers.?
?I would not have considered you the kind of person who would feel remorseful to such an extent.?
?I do not feel like redeeming anything. I just need that cloak.?
?What for, my raven? Why would you like to turn yourself into something green and gooey if not in silent penance for your misjudgement??
?There is someone else in need of some eight hours as a ball of slime. Well, if you consider it, he already is??
?The distressed damsel who is currently brooding over some nefarious plan??
?Yes. I thought a subtle change of colour and viscosity might calm her down. But by Helm?s itching fingers, how do you find anything in this chaos??
?I don?t. I wait until things grow legs and come to me. That?s the trick.?
?Great. Well, let?s see ? we have a harp, some parchment, the skinner?s nicely sewn skin-tunic, King Strohm?s mask, something bloody I won?t study any closer and some kind of bundle. What?s that again??
?Should be the cloak; even though I cannot remember what you put inside before you gave it to me.?
?Eeeep!?
?Are you alright, my raven??
?I am. Neb?s head isn?t. Oh, I knew that there was something I should have done before we left Athkatla!?
***
We alter our abilities, improve our knowledge, change our looks and grow older every day.
Yet there are some things that do not seem to change, things we would miss if they were gone some day soon.
Maybe that is the meaning of change: it makes us miss what we have lost.
And every choice we make reminds of what we might destroy, of what we might miss in the future.
So it is all about responsibility, I think.
And about remembering how things were before they crashed down.
Before we made the choice that made things crash down.
***
?Either I do not see any attackers because my head is still clinging to the wall over there, or you are mistaken, Ilyanna.?
?Xan? Goodness, you look awful!?
?Thank you, Ilyanna. You are endearing as well. Especially when you are pointing your swords at me.?
?Oh, I am sorry, I did not mean to, I mean, I meant to ??
?Don?t worry, there was no offence taken.?
?Thank you, Xan. But how are you??
?Fine, thank you. As fine as can be after having been smashed.?
?Ahem.?
?And flattened against the wall.?
?Oh, well??
?And peeled off to be revived.?
???
?Thank you, Ilyanna.?
?You?re welcome??
***
There is no such thing as a ?happily ever after?.
It simply cannot be since nothing lasts forever.
We are bound to change, even doomed to change, whether we like it or not.
All we can do is cling to the conviction that we have done the right thing.
Or be told otherwise.
By five sulking companions who would scrub the bloodstains off the floor with our faces if they were not far too tired to do so.
Nothing lasts forever.
Nothing but a bad conscience.
