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[Rusalka]

This is an old series I started on FWP. It's wasn't finished but I'm hoping to be able to continue it soon.  

Anaria

Anaria shut her eyes as a cloud of ash blown upwards on the night wind swept past the blackened wall on which she stood. One of the few remaining sections of wall left standing. When the wind died down she opened her eyes again to the ruin below her. Saradush had been reduced to a mere smoking pile of ashes and debris.          

Even during the siege it had maintained an echo of it's former dignity, the promise that it had once known better times. But now every trace that the living had called this place home had vanished. Except for the bodies.
    
Somehow she couldn't take her eyes from the twisted nightmare of corpses that lay below. Soldiers, families, children, the innocent, even her fellow Bhaalspawn, all had shared in the same ghastly fate, the curse of her heritage that left blood spilt wherever she went. She had failed them.
    
So many dead. So many crushed under the stone of the falling city. Bodies burned and tortured by the fires set alight to bring the city down. Bodies of those who died clinging to doomed loved ones, trying desperately to save them, clinging to their last shred of hope. She had failed them all.
    
The heat rising from the smouldering embers below stung Anaria's cheeks. Hot tears splashed down her face. The city had burned all day long and would continue to smoke all through the night. I could have saved them.
    
"Armies march and cities burn, the rivers froth with tainted blood." The words of prophecy whispered menacingly in her mind. No, I could have saved them. If only....
    
If only they had come a few hours earlier. If only they had not taken so long to rest. A mere few hours and so much could have been saved. A day and the giants would not have even made the last fatal attack. She could have defeated them. Yaga Sura would have fallen and the life of everyone in Saradush might have been saved. If only she had not been destined to fail.
    
"Bhaal's servant deceived, five led down a false path. A hidden traitor lurks in your midst. The servant of  Bhaal knows death and destruction, the face of an ally, the mask of a foe."
    
A terrible truth had been growing in her mind. Anaria had pondered long on the meaning of the words. Her fears seemed to solidify before her as the meaning immerged from her tormented thoughts.
    
"The servant of Bhaal knows death and destruction." It seemed like it was all she had ever known.
    
"Five led down a false path." Imoen, Kelsey, Jahiera, Sarevok, Anomen....
    
"A hidden traitor lurks in your midst." The servant of Bhaal, his child.
    
"The face of an ally, the mask of a foe." Me.
    
I've come to so many with the promise of aid and instead brought their deaths. Death and destruction. To those I only wished to help, I have been an enemy in disguise. I am a traitor even to myself. And my friends, my companions. I've led them through it all, and now they're a part of the destruction I bring as surely as I am myself. Whatever I do, no matter where I go, I do my father's work. I am a servant of Bhaal....
    
No! Anaria sank down, holding her knees to her chest, helpless to stop the tears that flowed from her eyes. Helpless to stop the course of the prophecy that bound her to the path of evil and chaos.
    
No! I am not evil! I did what I had to do! I tried to save those people, it's not my fault! I tried! I tried so hard! Please, believe me, I did!
    
Who was she speaking to?
    
Her thoughts drifted back to the forest of Mir. That creature of shadow impersonating Gorion. The horrid lies that issued from its mouth. Were they lies?
    
What would her real foster father have thought? Was this truly what Gorion had wanted for her? He had tried to prevent this hadn't he? He had tried to stop her from becoming the one. The Bhaalspawn that made the prophecy come true. The one who made all the pain and suffering come to pass. She had failed him too.
    
"Father...." she whispered. "Forgive me. I tried to do as you wanted, but I failed. Forgive me."

----------

The breeze picked up again, whirling more ash into the air as her tears began to dry. Despite the heat rising from the smouldering ruin below, Anaria felt a slight chill run through her. She felt cold and alone. So alone. She would have given anything to have Kelsey with her at that moment, but he was back at the camp, probably asleep. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. Things had changed between them.
    
It had been a difficult few months for them both. Ever since Anaria had lost her soul they had both been able to see the darker side of her nature. She had frightened him. She had nearly given in to the darkness inside her so many times. And then Bodhi had taken him. He had almost died and it had nearly broken her.
    
Despite the aching hole inside her that filled with rage and hate for all else, her love for him had driven her to put everything aside. She had selfishly abandoned the elves of Suldanssular, even the search for her soul and revenge against Irenicus, for the faint hope that she might restore her lover. She succeeded, but even his return from unlife had not comforted her, had not restored her love. She was beginning to understand what Irenicus had felt. He had clung to his fading memories of the life and love he had known before. She had done the same, desperately trying to hold onto the love she had felt for Kelsey even as it faded to the ghost of a remembrance.
    
And then only anger had driven her on. Hatred and revenge had boiled in the forefront of her thoughts, spurring her onwards to confront Irenicus and tear her stolen soul from his body. She had found herself in the Hells themselves, and had faced her greatest trials yet. Somehow having Kelsey at her side kept the memory alive of what she had once been. It was enough for her to defeat Irenicus and restore her. But just barely.
    
With the return of her soul everything had come back to her and they had been happy for a short while. There had even been a point when she thought Kelsey might propose to her, but in the end he seemed to shy away from making that commitment. Something about it troubled Anaria. Was he still in love with her? Or was the darkness inside her too much for him to bear?
    
Suddenly their peace was disturbed again by news of war and rumours that the time of the prophecies of Bhaal's children were at hand. And then she had been whisked away by the Solar and heard the spirits of the forest foretell the destruction to follow. The rift between Kelsey and her had only grown when his past caught up with him in Saradush.

Likely somewhere in all the blackened ruin before her, the body of his brother still bore some semblance of it's former self. Kelsey had found his brother only to lose him again. He was lost in his own thoughts, his hope that Kelvim might have escaped slowly turning to despair. He too was tormented by the apparition of his father conjured by the shade creature. He could not shake the feeling that he had been responsible for his father's death as well. Kelsey had no time to spare any thought for her. No time for the Child of Bhaal who was to blame for it all. The wreck of Saradush and the death of his brother. They might not even be able to recover his remains when the city had ceased to burn.
    
Why was there no happiness that would not be spoiled for her? Never a moment of peace that did not end in more bloodshed? No love that would not fade away under the shadow of the blood that ran in her veins? No love except....
    
Oh Gods, except for.... his.
    
She had tried to block the conversation from her memory, but even in all the turmoil of her despair her mind would stray back to that forbidden night.
    
Anomen loved her. They had all come so close to death in Yaga Sura's lair. The whole party had felt it as they slowly made their way back to the Forest of Mir. They had come too close. And Anaria had felt a kind of doom creeping upon her every time Anomen's glance strayed in her direction. As they camped near the borders of the forest it had all come out.
    
Anomen had taken her aside as they prepared to sleep, out of sight of the others. He confessed everything she had dreaded for sometime. He loved her. He had realized it just after he had become a knight. Although she had chosen Kelsey, he chose to remain with her, even when he might have become an important member of the Order and had men and squires under him, he could not abandon her. She had meant everything to him and he could not bare to be without her, even if she had given her love to another. He wished never to leave her side.
    
The confession had stirred dangerous emotions within her. He had always been there for her. They were always the first into battle together, side by side. She could not count the times he had carefully tended her wounds, even saved her life. And this last time had been to much for him. With death facing them everywhere they turned, he could no longer hold back. If they where shortly to die, he would not die without telling her how he loved her. His sincerity had pierced her to the quick.
    
How could she not return his love? He had pledged his life to her, but asked nothing in return. Nothing but to remain at her side in battle.
    
And he would have left it at that. He had just bared his soul to her and was content to turn around and go back to the camp as if nothing had happened. But she couldn't let him go. What had he expected her to do?
    
Anaria felt as if she breathed the memory in from the dark air. Guilt and desire blurred before her mind's eye. She had wanted him then like nothing she had ever wanted before. She had stopped him from leaving, giving no explanation but the kiss she drew him down into, empting every pent up regret and desire that filled her heart. And Gods, how he had returned that kiss! Every drop of his passion burned against her tongue and lips and body where his strong arms enfolded her in their embrace. For that one moment the spark of her life was kindled to brightest flame, more violent than she had ever felt before.
    
And then he had broken away from her. It was wrong. She knew it was wrong. As much as she longed to have him and to love him that night, it was wrong. She desired him but she didn't love him, and he knew it.
    
It would have been too cruel to have that one night with him. She would have wounded him yet more deeply than she had with her initial rejection. She would have wounded Kelsey too. And herself. But the damage was already done.
    
They had returned to the others with only a few more words spoken between them. She had slept that night in Kelsey's arms, soothing him when dreams of his father troubled his rest. Damn that conjured spirit of the shadow wraith! She had to comfort Kelsey even as her heart cried out in desperate need for comfort of her own from the conflict of emotions within her.
    
And now, here she sat, on the edge overlooking the fallen city and the ruin of her life around her. She was alone and felt it to the very bottom of her being. Alone. But not for much longer.
    
As she gazed out over the darkness lit by the lingering embers of the fires, she heard a soft step as someone climbed the crumbling stair to where she sat. She paused before turning to look.

[Rusalka]

The darkness made it difficult to see for a moment who had joined her. The figure came closer. She looked up into his face from where she sat as he came to stand next to her on the crumbling walkway. She shivered a little with apprehension as she recognized him.

Anomen's eyes were not turned towards her. Instead, they gazed out beyond the wall as she had just been doing. His face was troubled, lined with many cares, visibly worried even in the near darkness. He held his arms against crossed over his chest as her surveyed the wreckage before them. They remained in silence for several minutes.

Anaria wondered what he was thinking. She too returned her eyes to the ravaged city as the silence between them lasted. The deaths of hundreds still lingered in too recent memory. Their suffering souls unwilling and unable to rest seemed to hover in the choked air about the graveyard the place had become.

At last Anomen spoke. "I think.... the destruction of this town shall haunt my mind's eye for many nights to come, Anaria. When first we crossed the bridge, I thought this sight worse even then the Hells we have seen. The screams, the bodies, the heat from the fires driving us back and blistering our skin. The thick veil of choking smoke that blinded our eyes and stung our throats. Death and suffering on a scale I have never seen before. I.... cannot help but feel we are partly to blame."

Anaria's earlier thoughts were echoed in Anomen's words and truth of them burned inside her head. But she was the only one who was truly to blame. "We? You mean me," she said, a bit more harshly than she meant to. "All this is my fault."

Anomen turned sharply at the bitterness in her voice. He looked searchingly at her, concern written across his features. "My lady, the rest of us are as much at fault as you. We all knew the city could not last much longer...."

"No, Anomen. It is me." She tried not to show how close she was to weeping again. "It's the curse of my tainted blood. I was born to sow chaos and destruction where ever I go! No matter what I do, it always brings death to those around me! No matter how I try to stop it, the innocent suffer because of what I am! Willing or not I do my father's work by trying to do what I think is right!"

A sob caught in her throat stopped her from going on for a second. Anomen now knelt by her side, a warm hand resting on her shoulder. He spoke softly, doing his best to comfort her. "Anaria, you cannot believe such things about yourself. As a Knight of the Order I am sworn to protect the weak and defend life, and I know you seek only to do the same. I know the goodness and strength of your heart, Anaria, and I know evil has no place there."

Her arms wound tightly around him, clinging to his warmth and the shred of comfort he offered. He showed a little surprise but allowed her to hold him. His hands rested gently on her back as she buried her face on his shoulder.

"Anomen, there is evil inside me. You've seen it just as everyone else has. No matter what I do to fight it, it is still there. When I fight I can f-feel all the hate and anger inside me trying to get out, revelling in the bloodshed. I almost b-begin to enjoy it again. The deaths make me feel.... alive"

Anomen's grip became a little tighter. "Death.... is a part of you, and I cannot deny that. And it troubles me. But death is in some measure, a part of us all. I too have felt the heat of battle churning my blood. The glory of a defeated foe lying at my feet thrills me, though I know it is not right to revel in the death of others. It is dangerous. The greatest evil lies within us, the power we wield that attempts to seduce and twist us. We must remain vigilant to withstand corruption, but we must acknowledge the darkness inside us all as well. You are not alone in fearing what is inside you; no one is. It is our actions, however, that we are judged on."

Anaria sighed, feeling some sense of relief. Perhaps he was right. Everyone had a darkness within them to fight. It was not the feelings inside that made someone evil, but the actions they took. She fought for others and to do good in the world. And Anomen could see that.

"Thank you...." she said finally. "You're right.... Anomen. We do all feel anger and hate sometimes, but it does not make us evil." She was still doubtful but wanted to believe it was true.

She felt a gentle increase in the presure of his hug and thought she could feel him smile. "You were the one who taught me that, my lady."

They lapsed into silence again. Her head still rested on his shoulder. She could hear the soft sound of his breath, slow and calm. He understood her so well. It felt so good to have his arms around her. He was so strong and gentle and kind. She felt safe in his arms. And loved.

She felt her hand stray to the back of his neck, her fingers playing in his soft hair, a bit damp still with the sweat of the day. She took in his scent, savouring the musky sweetness of it. She wished she could taste it. Taste the cloying sweetness of his mouth as she had before.

Her dry lips brushed softly on the skin of his neck.

He stayed still for only a few seconds before gently extricating himself from her embrace. She tried to hold on to him but he firmly pulled her arms away. He held them at her sides as he looked fully into her eyes. There was a hesitancy about his withdrawal, as if regret and desire stirred in him as well. But his voice was firm.

"My lady.... I believe I should go now." He stood to leave.

"Anomen, please don't! Don't go! Please, just stay with me."

"My lady, I cannot. We begin to stray into thoughts that are best left alone. Perhaps I should not have come here."

"Don't say that. Don't go. Please stay here with me. I couldn't bear to be alone. I can't bear it."

"You should come back to the camp with me. Kelsey probably wonders where you are."

"No!"

Anaria grabbed him and refusing to let go.

"Anomen, I love you!"

Anomen stood still, the darkness clouding the play of emotions on his face. He let out a tremor of breath.

"Anaria...."

Her voice was lower now but the urgency of it remained. "Anomen, I need your comfort and your strength. Your love. Don't leave me alone. I need you and your.... touch."

Her lips found his briefly, her pent up desire struggling to be freed, but he would not give in just yet.

"Anaria.... what of Kelsey? This.... this cannot be what you truly desire."

Kelsey.

No, she didn't want to think about him. He had been so distant, so removed. He was lost inside himself. He was lost to her. She frightened him. Why should he care about her anymore? But Anomen was here and real and he loved her.

"He's.... changed, Anomen. He doesn't love me anymore. I know it. I'm alone even when I'm with him. I don't want to be alone anymore."

Gently she reached for his hand, placing it against her cheek. It stayed there, fingers brushing softly against her temple.

"You said you loved me, Anomen. You do.... don't you?"

His voice was raised barely above a whisper.

"I do, my love.... I do,but...."

"Please Anomen. You're all I have left...." she whispered.

She pulled him gently to her and this time he did not resist.

--------

The warm night breeze continued to blow smoke into the air, chasing it away from the harbour that once belonged to the city of Saradush. Amongst the ruins the bodies of two lovers intertwined in the darkness, oblivious to the silent ghosts that hung in the quiet night about them.

[Rusalka]

It was nearly dawn when Anaria felt a hand on her arm gently shaking her awake. She refused to open her eyes. She still felt exhausted and her muscles ached from sleeping on the cold ground The hand shaking her became more urgent. Anaria brushed it away and curled up trying to fend off consciousness. She didn't want to wake up. "Goway," she mumbled as she pulled her cloak tighter around her. She felt a hard pinch and a voice hissing in her ear.

"Anaria! WAKE UP!"

Anaria shot upright to find herself staring into Imoen's face. Imoen jumped back a little in surprise but her expression quickly resumed it's expression of great distress.

"Imoen, what in the Hells?..."

Anaria looked down and realized why Imoen looked so upset at her. Underneath her cloak she was still naked. Anomen was lying next to her. For the moment anyway.

He turned a little and open his eyes. "Anaria my love, what is the- Helm's beard! Imoen!" Anomen leapt up as if someone had just lit a firework under him. He desperately fumbled for his clothing struggling to maintain his decency. "For the love of the Gods girl, what do you think you're doing?"

"Wha- what am I doing! What are YOU doing?" Imoen was utterly aghast. "Both of you! Anaria, I was worried sick last night when you didn't come back. And now I find out you were two were together.... What is going on?"

Anaria couldn't answer. Anomen stopped struggling with his shirt, his anger getting the better of him. "What does it look like? Do you know nothing of men and women? Bah! Go away and let us have some privacy, for Helm's sake! Why did you disturb us?"

Imoen stared at them in shock. "I can't believe this! You.... slept with him?" A look of horrible realization came over her face. "That's why Kelsey was so upset last night!"

Anaria felt the words strike her like a lightning bolt. Imoen went on, words tumbling from her lips.

"He- he went looking for you and we were all wondering where you had gone. He said he'd find you but he came back without you and he wouldn't speak to anyone. I could tell he was crying but he just went to your tent and wouldn't tell me anything! I thought you'd had a fight or something, but he saw you didn't he?! He saw you here together!" Imoen looked as if she wanted to cry too. "Anaria, why are you doing this?"

"Damn the sorcerer!" Anomen burst in furiously. "He had her and yet he cast her aside! Why should he think that he deserves another chance? Why should she not seek the love of another if he says that loves her no longer!"

Imoen stood a bit stunned. "I....didn't know.... Anaria, did he really.... say that? Then.... why was he so upset?...."

Anaria said nothing. A dead silence settled over them. She felt a burning sensation in her throat. She had closed her eyes tightly, unable any longer to meet Imoen's accusing gaze. Kelsey, what have I done? Her tears stung her with their admission of guilt. She had betrayed him. He loved her and she had betrayed him. How could she have been so blind? What was she thinking last night? Oh Gods, what had she said? Anomen. What had she done to him?....

As if in answer to her thought, he spoke. His voice was suddenly confused and quiet. Her silence had told him more than she had guessed "Anaria....what....why was Kelsey so upset? I thought.... you said he did not love you any longer. My love, did he not end things between you?"

No. No he hadn't. Anaria looked into his eyes. It was all the answer she could give. It was enough. Anomen seemed to go deathly pale as she stared up at him. She hadn't said it was over between her and Kelsey, but she had made him believe that it was. She didn't do it intentionally, but she had known that Anomen had believed it was so. She had lied to him. And she had told him she loved him. Now he understood that. The look of anguish in his face was more than she could bare.

"I'm sorry." The words were barely audible above a whisper.

Imoen turned without another word and ran from where she had come.

[Rusalka]

Anaria stumbled through the remains of Yaga Sura's encampment still feeling as if she walked in a nightmare. She and Anomen had dressed in silence, no word passing between them since Imoen had fled. She had fled too as soon as she was able. She couldn't face his hurt and confusion a moment longer. Her own confusion was enough.

But she had to find Kelsey. He had seen them. She could barely bring herself to think of what he would say to her. Would he hate her for what she had done? Would he ever be able to forgive her?

She tried to push the thoughts from her head. She just had to find him. She would face it when she found him. Just keep going.

She hurried onward, dimly aware of her surroundings. She was brought up short suddenly when someone stepped out from behind the broken catapult she was passing. A tall figure blocked her path. Instinctively she reached for her swords, even when she recognized him.

"Ah, there you are. Imoen had some interesting tales to tell this morning. I heard her blubbering on that druid's shoulder."

"Leave me alone Sarevok." He was the last person she wanted to see in all the Realms.

Sarevok grinned cruelly. "No need to be so hostile, dear sister. It sounds as if you've had a busy night. I hope you didn't tire yourself too much. Although it must not have been a challenge getting that overstuffed fool out of his armour. He's been sniffing around you for days."

How dare he? She had to speak to Kelsey, she had no time for her brother's insults. "Get out of my way."

"Come now, sister, I only wanted to see how you're enjoying yourself."

"I'm not enjoying anything! Leave me alone!" she shouted.

"Not enjoying yourself? I beg to differ." A malicious light flickered in Sarevok's eyes. He continued.

"You use these fools for your own pleasure, don't deny it. The pitiful sorcerer and that over-pious knight. Bah! There is much more of our father in you than you lead others to believe. They are your pawns, to be disposed of at your whim...." The menace in his voice made her recoil.

"Does it not make you feel powerful? To hold the lives and wills of others in the palm of your hand? You feel the power that our father's blood has to offer; why resist the thing that calls to the very core of your being?" He had become very serious, almost angry. "You do not care for these fools! You have revealed your true self to me, sister. I see the darkness you feebly try to deny."

He had stepped up close to her as he spoke, still blocking her path. He dared to suggest she wanted to hurt Kelsey, to hurt Anomen. That she wanted only to use them. It wasn't true. It wasn't....

She felt her anger take hold of her. "You don't know anything about me! I didn't want any of this to happen, it just did! I do not want anything to do with the power of our father, or the curse of his blood, or these damned prophecies! And I don't want anything to do with you! Get away from me!"

Side stepping around him she ran blindly on towards the camp. His voice followed her.

"Run from me if you must, but you cannot hide from what you are! You are a child of destruction!"

No! I won't let this happen! Kelsey, where are you?

--------------

Finally, she reached the place outside the line of trees where the party had set up camp the night before. She could not see Kelsey. Sitting by the ashes of the campfire were Imoen and Jahiera. Imoen still looked teary eyed and Jahiera's stare was cold and accusing. They said nothing.

"Where is Kelsey?" Anaria finally managed to ask.

Jahiera answered her. "He went in that direction," she said, pointing. "He is very angry, child. I suggest you choose your words carefully."

Anaria nodded dully as she turned to follow the direction to which Jahiera pointed. Her paced slowed as she saw him come into view. He sat alone on a felled tree. She thought she could see scorch marks along the trunk. Scars from magic missiles. His back was towards her.

At the sound of her footsteps he seemed to notice her approach, but he did not turn to look at her. She had been desperate to find him, to explain, but now when she had found him, she could not find the words. His shoulders were hunched over and his neck held stiff. She could see the tension that tightened through his whole body. She had to speak.

"Kelsey?"

The sound of her voice seemed to stir him. He turned a face flushed with anger and fatigue towards her. He just looked at her, his eyes burning into her. He found his voice.

"Did you think.... I was COMPLETELY blind and deaf? That somehow I wouldn't notice you SCREWING ANOMEN?" Suddenly he had come to life, flooding with rage and emotion.

"Am I that worthless to you, that a few words from another are all it takes? After I stand by you, believe in you, fight for you!...What is it that I did not do for you? What would drive you to... to him? Does he hold you when the Slayer taunts you inside, or when you are too tired from battle to stand? Has he spent hours lying awake watching over you, kissing your forehead to try to stop the nightmares? NO, HE DAMN WELL HASN'T! He hasn't earned your love at all!"

His words and his fury pained her deeply, yet she could not help but feel that he spoke the truth. So many times Kelsey had been there for her. Only recently he had become distant because of his own troubles. When he had needed her she abandoned him for the mere hint that the comfort and love she craved could be fulfilled by another. What hasn't he done for you? And what have you done to deserve him?

Kelsey almost shook as tears began to glimmer in his eyes. "I... laid awake for hours just... trying to figure out what in Hell you could possibly say to me... possibly say to make this something OTHER than the worst thing that has ever happened in my life.... Is there anything? Anything you even want to say to me? Or did you pretty well sum up your "feelings" for me last night, when you said, "Yes, Anomen, yes!?"

"I'm sorry...." was all she could manage. There was a silence.

He stared at her incredulously. "That's all you can say? You're sorry? After all that you've done, after all that we've been through together, you throw it all away and all you can say is you're sorry?"

"Kelsey.... please.... forgive me...."

"Forgive you? Why? Why should I? Do you really expect me to stay with you, to fight and die for you, after this? You are sorry?"

It wasn't fair. This wasn't fair. She hadn't meant for it to happen, she hadn't meant to hurt him. She was sorry! She loved him!

Suddenly everything came pouring out of her. "Kelsey, please, I am sorry, I really am! But everything has been my fault, the death and destruction and your brother's death and all those innocent people killed, all because of me and what I am! And I couldn't stand it! You were so preoccupied since we met your brother and that *thing* pretending to be your father saying that you killed him, and it wasn't true but you just let it get to you and you pushed me away! I know I should have been there for you but I was hurt too and I felt so alone and it felt like you just didn't care anymore. And then Anomen said he loved me and tried to comfort me but he wouldn't have done anything but I was so desperate and I lied to him and to myself but I never meant to hurt you, please, please forgive me!"

Anaria had flung her arms around him and was sobbing uncontrollably onto Kelsey's shoulder, refusing to let go. He had struggled against her at first, but as she broke down further he had let her hold him close.

"It was a horrible, horrible moment of weakness, and a mistake, and I'm begging you, forgive me." She clutched him tightly never wanting to let him go. "Kelsey... please... d-don't leave me. I love you, and I need you... and I am so, so sorry," she whispered.

She felt his arms come about her too. He gave a deep sigh.

"I love you too... but...This hurts, Anaria. It hurts me so much... I trust you with so much, Anaria, and for you to stomp on me like this... like I never mattered to you, like I never loved you the way I should, that someone else could tempt you so easily... it... It makes me feel cheap. It makes what we had feel cheap."

"Please, Kelsey, I love you. You're all I have..."

They were silent for a long time, just holding each other, each feeling every shiver or sob that came from the other. Both their faces were damp with tears. In her mind she continued to beg him. Please, please forgive me.

Eventually Kelsey was the one to break the silence.

"I'm sorry too. And I love you. But... I am not perfect..." He drew away from their embrace a little so he could look into her eyes. "I can try to forget about this, because I really do want to believe that you didn't want to hurt me. But you did, and I can't forget that, and I can't let you forget that. I... wish things were different, Anaria. I wish that this had never happened to us."

"I wish it had never happened either. I promise I'll never do anything to hurt you again. I love you."

He kissed her softly. "I love you too."

[Rusalka]

"Anaria, we need to talk."

Kelsey had taken Anaria by the elbow as she was walking ahead of the others. Saradush was half a day behind them. Before them lay the road leading to the desert.

She slowed her pace and let the rest of the group pass by her. First Jahiera and Imoen, then Sarevok and lastly Anomen. He inclined his head slightly as he passed, stealing a glance at her and Kelsey at her side. She couldn't read his expression but Kelsey seemed more than a little agitated by it. She felt like she was walking a blade's edge. Something told her that whatever Kelsey wanted to discuss, it was very serious indeed.

As soon as they had fallen back out of ear shot she stopped to face her lover.

"What is it? Is there something wrong?" she asked him. He seemed almost hesitant to speak.

"Anaria, I know I said it was ok for Anomen to stay with the party, but the truth is.... it's not."

She had feared this. They needed Anomen skill in the party and she had convinced Kelsey that he should stay. But now things were unravelling again.

"Kelsey, it wasn't his fault--"

"I know what you said, Anaria, but I just can't forget it like that. Every time I see him looking at you he.... Look. I just don't trust him. I can't forgive him for what he did. I want you to tell him to leave."

Why won't you forgive me? Anaria struggled to think of some way to reassure him. It's over between Anomen and me. But I promised him that he could stay and fight beside me. I don't want to hurt him again.

"Kelsey, please. I.... we need him in the group. Don't you trust me?"

Kelsey struggled to answer. "I.... don't know. I just.... don't know!"

That stung her. But why should he trust you? You betrayed him. She wondered if she had the strength to hold herself together. If she could ever make him trust her again.

"Please, Kelsey, I love you! I never wanted it to happen. It won't ever happen again. I promise"

Kelsey sighed. She could tell how frustrated he was. He raked a hand through his short flaming hair as if he would begin to pull it out.

"Anaria, I love you too, but that's why I can't stand him being around. Maybe you didn't want it to happen, you never meant it to, but it did! And as long as he's around I'm afraid it could happen again. I'm sorry if you feel like I'm being to hard on you, but I think I've been more than fair. I want him gone!"

No, I can't do that to him. She felt sick inside.

"Kelsey, I can't. I promised him he could stay. He's my friend but it won't go any further than that, I swear. I can't break my promise to him."

"You....can't break...." Kelsey gave her a look that chilled her blood. Disbelief at what he was hearing flared his anger. "DAMN IT, ANARIA! What about your promise to me? Didn't you say you loved me? Didn't you say I was the only one you wanted to be with? You had no trouble breaking THAT promise! If I'm the only one for you than why is your promise to him so damned important?! Do you really care about how I feel at all?"

"I just.... don't want to break my word again. To anyone."

It was a poor excuse, and she knew it sounded weak, but it was the truth. She would keep her word to Kelsey and to Anomen. She wouldn't hurt either of them again that way.

Kelsey made an exasperated sound and looked away from her. Tears collected in the corners of his eyes. He stared off into the trees, suddenly quiet. She watched in agony as his anger and frustration battled it out in his face. After some time he seemed to settle into despair. He paced away for a few feet, thinking hard. She didn't have the courage to say more to him. Eventually his voice broke the silence, low and soft.

"I still can't believe this happened. We were so happy. Nothing I have ever felt, felt so right before. And then suddenly.... this! I never saw it coming. Maybe I was just too stupid to see it. You don't love me.--"

"That's not true!" she burst out, shocked by the accusation. "I do love you! I do!" Gods let him believe me!

"Maybe you thought you did! But what am I supposed to believe when you act like he's more important to you!" Kelsey was growing excited again. "I love you more than I ever loved anybody in my whole life, but this is tearing me apart!" He turned his pained expression toward her. His eyes brought her up short. His next words were said with deadly sincerity.

"If you love me Anaria, you will tell him to go. And if he doesn't...." his voice quavered, "I will."

"Kelsey, please don't make me do this...." Her voice shook. Everything was falling apart.

They stood in silence staring at each other. It wasn't fair. She was trying to do right. She was trying not to hurt anyone, but he was forcing her hand. How could she tell Anomen he had to leave? Hadn't she already broken his heart by choosing Kelsey? How could she do it to him again by banishing him from her company. He loved her. She couldn't do it.

The silence remained unbroken. She couldn't say what Kelsey wanted to hear. Tears streaked both their faces again. And at last he turned away.

"I'm sorry," she heard him say in a choked voice. "I guess you've made you decision."

He was leaving. He tugged his pack on a little tighter and started walking in the opposite direction. His pace quickened. He did not look back.

Anaria stood frozen to the spot, nearly sick with horror and disbelief. He was actually leaving her. This can't be happening! I can't let it hap-- Kelsey!

"NO! Kelsey come back!" She rushed forward. "I'll make him leave! I swear! Don't leave me, don't leave me!" She reached him and tried to grab hold. "I love you. Don't go...."

Kelsey caught her in a crushing embrace, nearly breaking down completely. He had shocked them both by his threat. In those few moments, he had been sure it was over.

"Anaria, I love you. I don't want to go. But do you really mean it? Am I really what you want? Please tell me you're not just saying this."

"I do love you, Kelsey. Stay with me. I'll make Anomen leave. J-just give me some time. I'll tell him to go." She hugged him tightly to her.

They clung to each other for some length of time, just as they had before when he had forgiven her. Anaria began to feel exhaustion creeping up on her as they stood there. It was more from the flood of emotions than the strain of the day's march. But she did feel some relief.

After a while they began to walk on, hand in hand, until the others had come into sight again. They kept their distance, preferring to remain in the rear. Kelsey's eyes were downcast and he was lost in thought again. When he looked at her again she felt the relief of earlier melt away.

"Anaria? I'm not about to go back on my word earlier but.... maybe we should.... spend some time apart anyway."

"What? No!" What did this mean? He wasn't going to leave her, but time apart? Wasn't that the next best thing? Again she felt a sinking feeing. "Why?"

"Anaria, I... " he paused trying to make it sound a little better. "I'm still so confused by all this. Everything I feel has been turned upside down in the past few days. I think I need sometime to.... sort everything out. Alone. And I think you need to too."

"I don't understand. You don't want to leave me do you? Kelsey, please, I'll do anything you say!"

He shook his head.

"I'm not leaving you. I just think it would be better if we spent some time apart. Only for a few days. I.... I want to go back to Saradush. I want to find out what happened to Kelvim. There were some refugees who made it out. We told him and his girlfriend to be ready to escape. Maybe he isn't dead. Or even if he is, I.... just can't leave him unburied in the midst of all that horror.... I want him to be at peace. I could go there and search for him, and then follow you to Amkethran if I can't find anything."

She didn't want to hear it. He was leaving her alone again. that was what had gotten her into this whole mess in the first place.

"No, Kelsey, please don't go, even for a few days. I'll tell Anomen to leave right away. I need you with me."

Kelsey spoke very seriously. "My love, I think this would be best for both of us. You need some time to think things through as much as I do. I won't be more than a week. I promise."

They had stopped again. Maybe he was right. Maybe they did need some time apart. She could hardly spend a minute near him without feeling anxious. Every look or word that passed between them put her on edge, searching for any extra significance or hidden meaning. But being alone again...

"Kelsey...."

"Only a week. I promise."

----------

Anaria stared dumbly up the road at Kelsey's disappearing figure. She had pleaded with him more but he had remained firm. Eventually she had agreed it was for the best. But it didn't feel that way.

"Anaria? Is everything alright? Where is... he going?"

Imoen was suddenly standing behind her. She turned to see that Jahiera and Anomen had followed. All their faces were contracted in worry.

"He's just going to be gone for a few days. H-he said he'd meet us in Amkethran." Anaria tried to sound reassuring. As if she didn't believe that she had finally lost Kelsey forever.

"I see," was all that Jahiera said. Anomen cleared his throat.

"I suppose we should be moving on then, my lady?"

Anaria shut her eyes. She had to get it over with. Now.

"No, I.... Anomen I need to speak to you.... I need you to leave."