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[Userunfriendly]

Ok, obviously I chose mazzy to make the title work... btw...this is where my signature comes from...
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Mazzy the Musical


Mazzy walked into the Turnip Box, and the smell distracted her for a few seconds. If she ever came into some gold, she could finally rent a new headquarters for the gang, and they wouldn't have to endure the awful stench of Jan's family buisness...alas, being the Vampire Slayer didn't put wealth into one's pockets. She firmly wrenched her mind back into what was important...that mind bending event at the graveyard district last night.

"Urm....so, urm, guys? Did anyone last night,urm...burst into song?" asked Mazzy, anxiously twisting her hands behind her and looking at the floor.

"Merciful Cthulhu!" exclaimed Valygar, her faithful squire.

"We thought it was just us!" said Aerie, her face relaxing.

"We were just talking and all of a sudden..." said Keldorn.

"It was like we were in a musical!" said Mazzy, looking up and sharing Aerie's expression of relief.

"I did a whole aria about gathering spell components! (I still can't believe I sang a song about the joys of collecting bat guano!)" said Edwina.

"And it was very,very bad at the Jansen residence last night. Mother Jansen started off with 'Turnips are a girl's best friend', but it was cousin Beloo that really made me claw my eyes. It was bad enough hearing Mom mutilate the song like that, but seeing cousin Beloo with a strapless passionate pink cocktail dress, dancing and flirting, with about a hundredsweight of turnip jewelry around his wrists and neck, and stretching his earlobes in a most painful way...and of course his pink matching stockings, well, due to the normally stumpy gnomish legs, wads and rolls of pink fishnet material clumped at the bottom of his feet, and got caught on the 7 inch stiletto heeled pink pumps he was wearing...fortunately he tripped while Mom was singing...

A kiss on the hand may be quite continental
but turnips are a girl's best friend.
A kiss may be grand but it won't spice up a bento
at your humble flat, or for snacking at the automat.

and knocked himself out." said Jan with a shudder.

"Anyhu,"said Keldorn quickly before Jan started up another story, along that route lay madness,"I was arguing with Maria, and I started singing...

How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!

she was most displeased, and then the armored knight came thru the door, clapping two coconut half shells together...it was most disturbing."

"Is Maria ok?" asked Aerie in concern.

"Oh thankfully I was able grab a potato, and shove it into the knight's mouth to gag him before he really got into the song 'We're knights of the Oblong Table, we dance when we are able...' and finsh my own song, which happy has a sweet and complimentary ending. She understood that the song, which starts out not being nice was actually a wonderfully sweet and endearing song. It was still very disturbing." said Keldorn in relief.

"That's been my whole outlook on the situation. Its all very disturbing, and quite un-natural. We should look into it." said Mazzy.

"With the books." said Aerie decisively.

"Yes, of course the books.(that is of course if these simians have evolved enough to learn to read.)" said Edwina.

"Urm, do we have any books on this?" asked Mazzy.

"We just have to think logally about this, not every problem can be solved by magic. We just have to break down the problems, and try to think..."said Valygar before he was interrupted.

(Singing)

Jan:
I've got a theory,
That it's a demon,
A dancing demon!
Eeech, something isn't right there!

Aerie:
I've got a theory
Some mage is dreamin'
And we're all stuck inside
His wacky Broadway nightmare!

"Like with Kalah!!! You remember, right?" quipped Aerie before the next verse could begin.

Valygar:
I've got a theory
We should work this out.

Aerie, Edwina, Keldorn, Valygar:
It's getting eerie
What's this cheery singing all about?

"Bah! Must I carry this verse all by myself? Harmony, and timing Keldorn and Valygar! (Now I am sounding like the hateful music teacher at Dark Mage University, the one I tested my Gate spell on...his last screams were gratifyingly out of pitch.)" mused Edwina.

Valygar:
It could be witches!
Some evil witches!

Aerie, and Edwina looked at Valygar, Aerie was tapping her foot, and Edwina had a persistant tick on her face.

Valygar:
Which is ridiculous,
'Cause witches, they're my friends,
And they helped me defeat Lavok in the planar sphere
And Avariel power and I'll be over here.

Edwina:
I've got a theory
It could be Jansens!

Everyone's face clears at this verse, their eyes looking far away in thought, except for Jan, of course.

Edwina:
Jansens aren't as harmless
Like everybody supposes!
They got them stumpy legs
And puffy potato noses!
And what's with all the turnips?
Why do they eat so much
root vegetables, anyway?
Jansens, Jansens,
It must be Jansens!!!

As Jan's hand moves to the very large and complex crossbow holstered on his belt, Edwina reconsiders.

Edwina:
Or it could be griffins.

Jan immediately nodds in agreement.

Aerie:
I've got a theory
We should work this fast

Aerie and Jan:
Because clearly
Keldorn's voice just isn't going to last.

Mazzy:
I've got a theory
It doesn't matter ...

Mazzy:
What can't we face if we're together?
What's in this place that we can't weather?

"Except the smell of turnips everywhere!" mutters Mazzy, Edwina, Keldorn, Valygar and Aerie, unaware that they were saying the same thing under their breath at the same time.

Mazzy:
Throne of Bhaal? We've all been there
The same old trips, why should we care

Mazzy, Aerie, Edwina, Valygar, Keldorn and Jan:
What can't we do if we get in it?
We'll work it through within a minute
We have to try
We'll pay the price
It's do or die!

Mazzy
Hey, we've been to Hell twice!

Mazzy, Aerie, Edwina, Valygar, Keldorn and Jan:
What can't we face if we're together?
What's in this place that we can't weather?
What can't we face?
If we're together
There's nothing we can't face . . .

Edwina:
Except for Jansens...

Meanwhile, outside the Turnip Box...

A jovial Korgan is holding up a large blue and yellow polyester looking shortsleeve shirt, which looks surprisingly clean.

Korgan:
They got the bloodstain out!

The townspeople of Athlanka are doing a highstepping dance routine, complete with high kicks and gracefull piroettes, by both Commoner1 and Commoner2, both male and female versions, and they're singing...

Commoner1 and Commoner2, male and female:
They got the bloodstain out!

And as the singing and dancing concludes, Korgan turns over his shirt, and you can read the logo on the back.

"Amnish DwarfBowling Legue, Player of the Year."

[Userunfriendly]

Ok, another Weird Al piece...

http://www.mudconnec...dfaq-p1.html#q2

muds are the forerunner of today's multiplayer on-line fantasy games...

http://www.lyricsfre...mer/116935.html

Robert Palmer did "Addicted to Love"

then Weird Al did

http://www.metrolyri...icted_To_Spuds/

now here's...

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Addicted to M.U.D's!!!

Asheron's Call, Final Fantasy too,
Without DSL, I am so blue!
Text based, or graphically rich
I am so weak to any on-line pitch!

You plan a trip every darned night
To pick up a virtual sword and to explore and fight!
I understand how you must feel
I can't deny they've got appeal

Whoah
You like them whether they are free or you pay, oh yeah
Better face the facts, it seems you can't get enough
You know, you're gonna have to face it
You're addicted to Muds!

Your greasy hands, your dry lips
Time to push those old computer chips
Your belly aches, your teeth grind
Some Warcraft III would blow your mind!

And you don't mind if they're not patched
You need your fix, gotta get attached!
And late at night you always dream
Of ping counts and servers upstream!

Whoah, you like them even if puzzles seem too tough, oh yeah
Whee, It's pretty obvious to me you can't get enough
You know you're gonna have to face it
You're addicted to Muds

Might as well face it, you're addicted to Muds
Might as well face it, you're addicted to Muds
Might as well face it, you're addicted to Muds
Might as well face it, you're addicted to Muds
Might as well face it, you're addicted to Muds

Ooh yeah

I'm givin' up, it's just no use
Another case of Computer abuse
What can I say, what can I do
Online Gaming has got me too, Wahoo

I used to hate them, now they're all that I do, oh yeah
Whee, those grue got me whipped, but they just can't be beat
Now I'm gonna have to face it
I'm addicted to Muds

Might as well face it, I'm addicted to Muds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to Muds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to Muds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to Muds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to Muds

Might as well face it, I'm addicted to Muds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to Muds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to Muds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to Muds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to Muds

[Userunfriendly]

http://www.lyricsond...boyslyrics.html

some willy nelson, for all you country and western fans...



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Adventurers

Mama's don't let your tots grow up as Adventurers,
don't let 'em pick long swords and wear them smelly armors
make 'em be merchants and farmers and such

Mama's don't let your tots grow up as Adventurers
cause they'll never stay home and they're always alone
even with a party they trust

An adventurer ain't easy to love
And when he hands you his laundry
you'll take it to a foundry
'cause scrubbing don't work on full plate
Magic Girdles and Travel stained robes
you're left with slim pickin'
a bejuril stuffed chicken
and an empty grave for your tears

An adventurer loves smokey ole bars
And murky, half-rumors
giant brains that look like tumors
found in the dank and gloomy underdark
An adventurer will be gone all the time,
when it comes time for weddings, or funerals and such
if he's home he'll be hobbling around in a crutch!


Mama's don't let your tots grow up as Adventurers,
don't let 'em pick long swords and wear them smelly armors
make 'em be merchants and farmers and such

Mama's don't let your tots grow up as Adventurers
cause they'll never stay home and they're always alone
even with a party they trust

[Userunfriendly]

The songs parodied here are "We will rock you" by queen, and "Green Acres"....a most unusual combination, but it works...

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Career day at Athkatla High

Sir Anomen Delryn stepped out from the back curtain, stripped to the waist, and wearing a pair of black leather pants at least two sizes too small for him.

Three Knights of the Order of the Radient Heart followed, also stripped to the waist, and wearing armored greaves and boots. The shaved torsos of the knights glistened in the bright light of the midday sun, due to the layer of oil rubbed on their bodies.

Sir Keldorn Firkam, almost unrecognizable in jet black armor, studded with spikes, ran a fingering on his Weave-amplified black base guitar, the instrument snarling as feedback and distortion amplified sound filled the auditorium. His fingers literally blurred with speed, as a incredibly complex and driving beat of the melody poured out of the smokin' instrument. Sir Ryan Trawl sat behind him, wearing matching black spiked armor, twin drumsticks wielded like weapons as he thrashed out a complex tattoo on the full drumset surrounding him. The crowd of young men and women went wild with excitement.

The back up singers began pounding out a strong beat, as Sir Anomen stepped up to the microphone. The beat went "dum, dum, DUM!!! dum, dum, DUM!!!" as the backup singers used their steel boots to drive the sound to the audience.

Everyone clapped out the beat in unison as Anomen began singing.

Buddy you're a smelly orc
Stinky yucky groady breath to make a billy goat turn gray
Get yer head from my face
You skunky disgrace
We'll be kickin' your can all over the place

Singin'

'We will we will SMITE you!!!(dum, dum, DUM!!!)
We will we will SMITE you!!!(dum, dum, DUM!!!)

Buddy you're ugly troll
Spurting dripping goo-filled oozing makes me puke all day
You got slime on yo' face
You puffy disgrace
Wavin' your flabby claws all over the place

'We will we will SMITE you!!!(dum, dum, DUM!!!)

Singin'

'We will we will SMITE you!!!(dum, dum, DUM!!!)

Buddy you're a yippin gnoll
Barking yapping yodeling snapping annoying me I say
You got drool on your face
You noisy disgrace
The Order's gonna put you back into your place

'We will we will SMITE you'(dum, dum, DUM!!!)

Singin'

'We will we will SMITE you'(dum, dum, DUM!!!)

Everybody!

'We will we will SMITE you'(dum, dum, DUM!!!)
'We will we will SMITE you'(dum, dum, DUM!!!)

Alright!!!

Sir Keldorn finished with an incredibly complex and rocking guitar solo that brought the house down in applause as the knights bowed to the wildly cheering audience, and the curtain closed for the next act.

Aerie handed Anomen a big mug of cold wine as he joined them backstage.

"Good number! They're still clapping! I never knew you had musical talent, Sir Anomen!" said Nalia enthusiastically.

"Well, I was in the order's glee clubs and barbershop quartets during my noviciate, however..." Anomen fell silent as the curtain opened on the next act.

Three people stepped out, and a frolicking melody began to play as the singers took their place. One was obviously dressed up in an oafish version of the Amnish guard uniform, with a dented breastplate, and a bent sword in his hand.

The next one was obviously Aran Linvale, his expensive and immaculately tasteful clothing fitting him perfectly. A sartorial masterpiece. The third was a half elven girl, dressed in sleek black leathers. She did a series of dazzlingly skilled martial arts kata's, doing high kicks, flurrys of punches into the air, and generally showing off. They started singing to the spritely tune.

Shadow Thief:
Shadow Thieves be the place for me.
Picking pockets is the life that's free.
Sheep spread out so far and wide
Nimble fingers and you'll be fleecing them citywide.

Amnish Guard:
The guard is where you'd rather stay.
Steel Armor for you to shine all day.
You don't ever want the jailhouse view.
Rotting in prison will make you really blue.

Shadow Thief and Amnish Guard:
...The pockets.
...The dockets.
...Thieves lair.
...Lawbreaker beware.

Aran:
I run the council of six.

Amnish Guard:
This really just sticks!

All together:
Shadow Thieves we are there.

Sir Keldorn joined them, having obviously taken a long time to remove his hot armor.

"I HATE career day!" he said as he looked at the class of 1389, as they clapped even louder for the funny comedy skit of the Shadow Thieves. Sir Anomen nodded vigorously.

[Userunfriendly]

I think you'll all recognize this piece, theme song to one of the coolest shows ever..."The Addam's Family..."

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The Xzar's Family

He's creepy and he's kooky,
And Monty's short and spooky,
They're not altogether Ook-ay,
The Xzar's Family.

His obession's to create a golem.
Cause zombies are beginning to bore him.
Zombie heads wobble when you bowl-em,
The Xzar's Family.

Neat

Sweet

Petite

So if you want a custom zombie,
and you don't want to order from Abercrombie's,
Just avoid mentioning the BUNNIES,
while you're with Xzar's Family.

[Userunfriendly]

A lot of people can't stand the UPN show "Enterprise", cause they're diehard orthodox trekkies..me? I am not a star trek fan, but I don't watch it much since its so poorly written...it does have a nice theme song...

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http://www.lyricsbox...ng-pqdqscs.html

Turnips in my Cart

It's been a long road

Gettin from the slums to here
It's been a long time
But my cart is finally here

And I can see my customers at night
I'll get my share of the pie
And Trax isn't gonna hold me down no more
No he's not gonna change my mind

(Chorus)
'Cause I've got Turnips in my Cart
I'm going where my roots will take me
I've got Turnips to believe
I can do anything
I've got Flashers in my bow
He's not going to bend nor break me
I am going to go far
I've got Turnips
I've got Turnips
Turnips in my Cart

[Userunfriendly]

here's really the first fansong i've ever written...still one of my best, imho...

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Imoen's Isle.

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful trip,
That started from old Candlekeep,
with Gorion (and his aching hip).
The rogue was a mighty cutie pie,
The Charname brave and sure,
Six Adventurers set forth that day,
For a four game tour, a four game tour.
The Iron Throne started getting tough,
Poor Gorion got tossed.
If not for the courage of the fearless group,
The Franchise would be lost, the Franchise would be lost.
The party came to Beregost, with hardly a gold to their name,
With IMOEN, Charname too,
Henpecked Khalid and his wife,
Viconia deVir, Uncle Quayle and Minsc (and Boo!)
are here on Baldur's-Gate-by-Black-Isle!!!

[Userunfriendly]

I gotta new song I'll post in a few minutes...but here are some more old ones...

this one has a story afterwards that's a little hard to follow...it helps if you're an "Angel" fan, and know tolken...
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Gnomes Just Wanna Have Fun

Some Gnomes wear turnips as shoes
Others 'come Adventurer's to leave behind their blues,
Oh,Ma Jansen,dear,
We're not like the long-limbed ones,
And gnomes,
They wanna have fu-un.
Oh,gnomes,
Just wanna have fun.

Some Gnomes like to tip over griffins,
Others dress like halflings and answer to "Merry and Pippin",
All this raving fanboy stuff,
Gnomes, just can't get enough!
But gnomes,
They just can't get enough,
Oh,gnomes,just can't get enough
They just can't get enough.....
not enough....

When the day's turnip stories are done,
Oh,gnomes,
They wanna have fu-un,
Oh,gnomes,
Just wanna have fun....

Gnomes,
They want,
Wanna have fun.
Gnomes,
Wanna have

Break the dishes, smash the plates,
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!
Now Jan's got ME doing this fanboy stuff!
Oh Jan,
I just had enough!
Oh Jan,
I just had
His stories will do that to ya-aa....
enough....

When the day's turnip stories are done,
Oh,gnomes,
They wanna have fu-un,
Oh,gnomes,
Just wanna have fun....

Gnomes,
They want,
Wanna have fun.
Gnomes,
Wanna have

They just wanna,
They just wanna.....
They just wanna,
(Oh....)
They just wanna.....
(Gnomes just wanna have fun...)
Oh...

Gnomes just wanna have fu-un...
They just wanna,
They just wanna....
They just wanna,
They just wanna....
(Oh...)
They just wanna...
(They just wanna have fun...)
Girls just wanna have fu-un...

When the turnip,
When the turnip stories are done.
Oh, When the turnip stories are done,
Oh,Gnomes...
Gnomes,
Just wanna have fu-un...

They just wanna,
They just wanna....
They just wanna,
They just wanna have fun...

Gnomes just wanna have fu-un..
They just wanna,
They just wanna....
They just wanna,
They just wanna....
(Have fun..)

They just wanna,
(Gnomes wanna have fun)
They just wanna....
Oh, gnomes...
(Wanna have fun....)
Gnomes just wanna have fu-un.

When the turnip,
When the turnip stories are done.
Oh, When the turnip stories are done,
Oh,Gnomes...
Gnomes,
Just wanna have fu-un...

They just wanna,
They just wanna....
(Oh, gnomes...)
They just wanna,
(Have fun....)
Oh,gnomes..
Girls just wanna have fu-un

They just wanna,
They just wanna...
When the turnip stories are done...
(fades)

"Bravo! Bravo!" The rest of the party clapped as Pippineous Orcsmiter, Terror of the Sword Coast, and Hero of Baldur's Gate finished his song. The party had stopped over at Vvatri's pub after recently arriving at Trademeet, and found everyone was crazy about a new fad that was sweeping Trademeet, called "Kareoke" in which people sang out their own versions to popular songs. Vvatri provided the music by a small band he had hired for the purpose, and sheets of the original lyrics that the patrons could read while belting out their performances of popular songs. Though sometimes, the patrons changed the lyrics to suit themselves, just as Pippineous did...

"Why, I didn't know you had it in you, Pippin! Frodo and Sam would be so impressed!" said Jan with a big grin on his face. As usual, Jan called Pippineous "Pippin" and as usual, Pippineous grimaced.

"Jan, for the last time, my name is Pippineous, not Pippin!" said Pippineous.

"Oh my, our revered leader has forgotten my name again, Aerie. Do you think that he got hit on the head in our last battle? I do wish my uncle, twice removed Dr. Sigmund Jansen, the world famous gnome-ologist was here to give Pippin a good talking to. Though he has some strange ideas about the mind and how it works, his patients almost always recover. His monograms all claim that the basis of all neurosis are based on Turnips! I sometimes have to remind Uncle Siggy that sometimes a turnip is just a turnip..." said Jan as Aerie giggled.

"Oh, you know Pippin, Merry, he's sometimes too busy thinking weighty party leader thoughts to remember things you know." said Aerie with a giggle, playing along.

"Haroom...harooom...small folks?" said the walking tree as it walked into Vvatri's Pub.

"Merry!!! The tree! Its talking!" exclaimed Pippineous, as he in his astonishment used the name Jan insisted on being called as soon as he found out that the party leader's name was Pippineous.(And until now Pippineous had steadfastly refrained from using.) Mazzy, Korgan, Jan, Aerie and Pippineous looked in astonishment as the ambulatory conifer walked tword them. As he approached closer, they could tell it was actually a human druid, clothed in moss and with about 20-30 pounds weight of twigs and leaves stuck in his beard and hair. Pippineous instantly knew he was a tree hugging druid, only gone a bit far into radical "Nature Chic" to the point where instead of a few twigs and branches stuck into his clothing, he looked like he was a tree. Either that or he seriously lacked personal hygene skills, and had spent too much time in the forest.

"Sorry, as the changling chameleon can blend its appearance to match its surroundings to better hide himself from predator and prey, I, Cernd have matched myself to my surroundings lest I am barred from fufilling nature's mission. I assume you are Pippineous Orcsmiter? As the eagle may not shed its claws, or the wolf its fangs, I can see the dangerous light in your eyes, and the feline grace of the..." rambled Cernd.

"Will ye get to the point, yer walking privy for canines?!" roared Korgan, brandishing his axe.

"Besides, he's sorta goofy...who tries to blend in to the background in a bar dressed like a frikking tree?" muttered Pippineous to Aerie, who started to giggle.

"Well, the point is that I need your help with the presence of the Shadow Druids in the Grove..."started Cernd. JUst then a bright green tiefling with horns, red eyes and fangs dressed in a very fashionable white lounge suit with rhinestone buttons and gold piping on the seams walked up.

"Hello kiddies, the name is Lorien, THE Lorien...you know, trasdimentional traveller extra-ordinare, fashion god and able to fortell the future if someone sings? Well, I just caught that snazzy number you just performed, and I can tell you..." started Lorien.

"Gah! I'm stuck in crossover hell..." muttered Pippineous as both Lorien and Cernd tried to talk at the same time.

[Userunfriendly]

this one is just a story, that i mostly wrote to get that joke about lady delcia in...

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When Janny met Viccy

Charname and Nalia sat wearing their pajamas on the comfortably overstuffed sofa in the scrying room of the planar sphere. Kelsey and Imoen were sitting on the other sofa in the scrying room, and on the table between the two couples were huge bowls of buttered popcorn, pickled pig's feet, and chocholate covered herring. Nalia, when she first saw the sweet confection covered fish, jumped to the conclusion that sweet little Immy, was expecting. Charname assured her that she normally ate stuff like that, she just had a bizzare and mutated sense of taste. Nalia, remembering all the things she had seen go into Imoen's mouth over the years, had to agree.

"Well, Imoen is the only person on Toril who can actually eat your cooking, love." said Nalia with an impish grin.

"Hey! Are you saying that I'm a lousy cook???!!!" said Charname with laughing indignation.

"Well, I'm sure, Charname, its just a matter of finding the right audience to appreciate your cooking. Like trolls, or ettercaps, or possibly ogres." said Kelsey with a grin.

"Oh great, this I get from a guy who wore a pink mage robe when we first met you?" said Charname.

"It was not PINK. It was a red robe, just a little faded." said Kelsey quickly.

"Its ok, loverboy, I like pink." said Imoen with a crooked smile.

"Sh! Its starting!" said Nalia.

The huge scrying crystal in the control room of the Planar Sphere, after being fixed by Jan was able to receive commercial crystal ball programs. The huge table with the translucent, arcane artifact usually showed an aerial view of the slums, however after several days of tinkering by Jan showed programs like the Noober and Neeber show, Ask Edwin (Athlanka's most famous and celebrated Sex Therepist had his own show...which ended each broadcast with Edwin saying "You too can leave a concubine gasping after your erotic onslaught!"), and of course the scandalous Haer'y Springer Show. Today featuring Paladins who wear naughty underthings, and the women who love them. (Of course, like any device tinkered by Jan Jansen, it had some urm...."problems" in the beginning. The first time it was activated, instead of receiving commercial crystal ball channels, instead locked into the adult pay-per-view crystal ball stations. As the funky music played, the table showed the first scenes of the infamous "Debbie does Candlekeep" porno movie. Jan was kicked out of the room by a furiously blushing Imoen, and despite tearful protests by Korgan, Imoen and Nalia took over the repairs themselves.)

As the final few seconds of the commercial played, as a sobbing Ribaud was shown slashing prices with a +4 Battleaxe, the movie they were waiting for started to play.

"When Janny met Viccy" appeared in glowing letters within the scrying crystal, and the music began playing from the Rob Jansen directed romantic comedy.

One scene that had them in stitches was of course the diner scene. Jan and Viconia were having a meal in Trademeet, and somehow the conversation had turned to whether all women fake (deleted).

"Of course we do. And I have too, since surfacers lack the, urm...sophistication we drill into men in the underdark." said Viccy with a smile.

"Well, I certainly can tell if a woman is faking a (deleted)." said Jan with a toothy grin.

"Oh really?" Viconia then proceeded to launch into a series of moans and groans that built softly from a low gasp of pleasure into a full throated warbles of a woman in the most extreme throes of passion, banging the table with her clenched fists, and shouting "Yes, oh yes!" She finally finished with a full body shiver that rattled the cutlery from all the surrounding tables. She grinned impishly, and grabbing a piece of food from her plate, and chewed it with relish.

The camera then cut to an older matron, sitting at another table, who had witnessed the entire performance, who then spoke to the waiter saying "I'll have what she's having."

The waiter called out "Another Giant Spider Thermidore, with a side of Hollandaise sauce!"

"Auntie! Hey, I didn't know she was in the movie! Guys, that was my Aunt Delcia!" exclaimed Nalia. All four of them dissolved into laughter, as they recognized the Lady Delcia in the crystal.

Another scene that really tickled their funnybones was when Viconia was talking about days of the week underpants.

"I never understood those things. I mean I understand having underpants you change every day, and each underpants have a little label sewn in, saying 'Firstday', 'Seconday' and so on, but where is Tenthday? You've got Firstday, Seconday, Thirday, all the way up to Ninthday. But where is Tenthday? Why is there no Tenthday underpants?" asked Jan, perplexed.

"There is no Tenthday. That's because tenthday is for Shar." said Viconia piously.

"So on Tenthday, what do you..." started Jan.

Viconia changed the subject quickly.

"Urm, love, that really is a good question, what do you..." started Kelsey. Imoen punched him in the stomach with a sharp elbow, and Kelsey shut his mouth. The girls giggled.

Finally, the movie wound its way tword the end, after Jan and Viconia had broken up, destroying their friendship and budding relationship. Jan had chased Viconia down to a party celebrating the new year at the Jeslev's at the government district, and had finally confronted her.

"Viccy, I need to know!" cried Jan forcefully.

"YES! YES! I LOVE TURNIPS! I finally admit it, I love turnips! I can't get enough of them, I love them here, and I love them there! I love eating turnips anywhere! I love eating turnips in a house, I love eating turnips with a mouse! I would eat turnips in a box, I would chew turnips with a fox! I would knosh on turnips in a car! I would knosh on turnips in a tree! I would eat turnips in the dark! I would eat turnips in the rain! I love eating turnips on a train, I would even eat them with a goat! I would eat them riding a boat! I love turnips, Jan-I-am!" cried Viccy as she embraced Jan Jansen.

"Oh, thank Helm! My family could never accept anyone who did not love turnips! I love you, my dark tempress! Marry me!" cried Jan, ecstatically happy that Viccy had finally confessed her love for the root veggy.

"And I love you, most vigourous yet short stallion of the lust chamber! YES!" cried Viccy.

As the credits rolled on the crystal, all four of them stretched, and picked up after the half emptied bowls of snacks. They were all still giggling and snickering at the movie. The movie was very fun and interesting, since it was so completely different from the truth. After all, they were all there when Janny and Viccy got together.

"Oh boy, I can still remember when they finally discovered that they were in love. It was at Watcher's Keep, right?" said Imoen.

"Oh yeah, of course, Jan had been hitting on Viconia since we had first entered Saradush. I remember speaking to Jan about it, since it seemed to irritate Viconia. 'Jan, do you really want to tick off someone who could cast an implosion spell on your privates?'" said Charname.

Kelsey winced, and reflexively covered his groin with his hands. Imoen just giggled, and kissed him on his cheek.

"Well, it was when we encountered those succubi in the teleportation maze. And Imoen played that trick on those idiotic demons." said Nalia.

FADEIN...

The party was tired and aching after taking on the statues in the first level of Watcher's Keep. After they had talked to that raving mad elf, they had entered the first room of the Teleportation Maze on the second level. Then the succubi approached Charname with an offer.

"So if I let you kiss me, you will teleport me and my friends to the exit?" asked Charname with a dangerous light in her eyes. Imoen could see her brother tighten his grip on Celestial Fury. She recognized all the signs of her brother getting really ticked off. Then an evil little idea popped into her head.

"Ok, sure you can all kiss my bro, but you have to freshen your breath. No offense, ladies, but you're all demons, and my brother is kinda picky about hellspawn breath." quipped Imoen. She gave the rest of the party a carefully timed wink as she rummaged thru her pack. Nalia, who was about to explode and unleash magical hell, stopped, curious as to what Imoen was planning.

Imoen pulled out a beautiful glass bottle, full of some clear liquid. The succubi, who were starting to get angry about the "hellspawn breath" remark, looked at it in curiosity.

"This is the finest rosewater you can buy in Saradush. It smells so pretty! Now ladies, I want you each to take a swig, swish it around your mouth, and swallow it. It will make your breath smell as fresh as newly plucked roses!" said Imoen with an innocent smile.

"Oh goody! Rosewater! Me first, I want the first kiss! I want some too, since later tonite I have a date with that hunky ghoul on the fourth level. Say, rosewater isn't fattening, is it? Telmira, you're a demon! You can't gain any weight! Yeah, but Telmira, you're getting love handles from all those smoked babies you've been pigging out on! You just take that back, Elvira! Naaa, Naaa, you can't make me!" chatted the succubi as they passed the flask around, and each demon took a swig.

"Hey! That's not rosewater, that's...." started one of the demons, then her head exploded! In rapid order, all of the demon's heads exploded!

"Elven holy water." finished Imoen with a huge grin.

The rest of the party cheered and clapped their hands. They then searched the room for those annoying teleportation mirrors so they could move to the next room. Nalia and Jaheira were poring over the journal they had found, to figure out which mirror they would need to activate.

"Hey, look, there's a fifth mirror here, behind this cloth. And it doesn't look like the others, its too small. And it even has some writing on the top." said Imoen.

The rest of the party moved to where Imoen was peeking under a cloth covered tall object. Kelsey removed the cloth cover, and they could make out the words "Mirror of Erised" written in tacky glitterpaint on the top of the dust covered mirror. Kelsey wiped away some of the dust from the mirror, and froze.

The rest of the party could see Kelsey's image in the mirror, wearing expensive looking mage robes, standing behind the counter of what was obviously a magical shop, stuffed full of arcane scrolls and tomes, with a smiling Imoen at his side, holding a baby in her arms.

"Erised...just how stupid do they think we are, anyway?" muttered Charname. Nalia dragged her love over to the mirror, and when they stood in front of the mirror, each time the mirror showed the same identical image, of Charname and Nalia holding hands and smiling.

When Korgan stumped over to the mirror, grumbling, he was charmed by the image in the mirror, of himself standing next to a solid gold tankard full of beer, taller than Minsc.

Jahiera, a small, sad smile on her face, refused to join in the fun. When Mazzy stood in front of the mirror, she saw herself holding Sir Anomen's hand, wearing full armor and the golden cloak of a full Paladin of the Most Noble Order of the Radient Heart. Anomen saw the same thing, except he was wearing the gold trimmed snowy white surcoat of the Prelate of the Radient Heart. Anomen knelt and embraced his girlfriend, while she was admiring the golden cloak the image in the mirror wore.

Minsc saw himself surrounded by bards from his own clan, reciting the tales of his deeds. Minsc insisted that Boo be allowed to take his turn, and the party was astonished to see a hamster, over 6 feet tall, standing on his hind legs, wearing a purple crushed velvet smoking jacket (with mother-of-pearl buttons), hoding an ivory holder fitted with a lit cigarette, and a golden monacle over one beady eye. An unmistakable mein of authority, an aura of personal power radiated from the giant space hamster. The image twirled his enourmous handle-bar moustache with panache and debonair grace, as the real Boo twitched his whiskers.

When Imoen stood before the mirror, the mirror showed the same as it did for Kelsey, the couple standing behind the counter of a store, smiling and with a bundled baby in Imoen's arms. However it was obvious in Imoen's viewing that the store was a candy shop, and Kelsey was wearing passionate pink robes. In fact, everything in the store, including the baby's swaddling clothes, the inventory, the counter and even the very walls were pink. Everyone else in the party covered their eyes, while Imoen smiled delightedly and clapped her hands.

Finally, a giggling Nalia and Imoen grabbed Viconia and dragged her to the mirror. A look of utter horror flashed thru her face, as the two laughing girls dragged the unwilling drow woman to the mirror. The image in the mirror stunned the entire party. The image showed a stark naked Viconia, wearing only a very long, thin translucent slice of turnip, wound in a spiral around her body. The "garment" failed to hide her lush, splendid figure, and there was an expression of pure pleasure and abandon on her face. What really floored the rest of the party was the fact that Jan was included in the image. He was wearing only a loincloth made out of stitched turnip peel, and he was literally munching up Viconia's garment. He was already chomping up Viconia's left knee, and was only a few bites away from reaching her left buttock. There was a blissful expression on his face, matched by the expression on Viconia's face, despite his bulging eyes. Everyone covered their open mouths, except for Minsc who covered Boo's eyes, muttering that he was too young for such sights.

With a snarl of rage, Viconia swung the Flail of the Ages at the mirror, shattering it into a thousand shards of glass. She turned to the rest of the party, her eyes flashing and expression murderous, with a special and menacing glare for Imoen and Nalia. The party noticed, however, that as her gaze swept each member, daring them to speak one single word, it softened as it passed by the expressionless gnome. There was a curious sense of relief in her eyes, as if she felt a secret burden had been lifted from her shoulders.

FADEOUT...

"Of course, it took some time afterwards for the two of them to finally get together. Thank the gods that Viconia had a secret addiction for turnips. It could have gotten really nasty if she hated turnips. I still remember all the times that Jan accused Boo of filching turnips from his pack while we slept. It turned out to have been Viccy all along! I can still see the time we caught her, she stuffed the stolen veggie into her cheeks, and she looked like Boo with her cheeks stuffed with turnip chunks. I thought she would start squeeking like a hamster!" laughed Imoen.

"Well, you know, for the both of you, the image in the mirror turned out to be actually accurate. Kelsey has the magic shop upstairs in the mosaic room, and Imoen has the sweetshop in the main area. And it was a stroke of genius to turn the fire room downstairs into a fudge factory, and the ice room into an icecream factory." said Nalia with a smile.

"Now if we can only keep Immy from eating the inventory...Ouch!" said Kelsey as Imoen pinched him on the butt. Nalia giggled.

"Say, how are Janny and Viccy doing? I know Ano and Mazzy are doing fine, because of the newspapers, when Ano became a senior knight at the Radient Heart, but how are they? Nally and I are really settling into the country life, so our lives are filled with crops, and harvests. We just don't hear much about stuff happening in the city." said Charname.

"Well, Jan's cinema career is really taking off. I mean he's made dozens of spy movies, all of them popular. Like "Dr. Maybe", "Gold-Turnip", "the Gnome with the Golden Turnip" and "From Turnip, with Love". He's even doing a weekly crystal ball series, called "the Gnome from T.U.R.N.I.P". Vico is actually settling into the domestic life, if you can believe that. And she's pregnant. We had the baby shower last week!" said Imoen. Nalia looked disappointed that she missed out on that event.

"Urm...you know, honey, there's one thing that's always puzzled me. The only two in the party who didn't look in the mirror were Jahiera and Jan, right? I mean its pretty obvious what Jaheira would have seen, but if Jan had looked in the mirror, what would he have seen? I mean, Vico's viewing showed her naked, and Jan almost naked, and turnip peel. What would Jan have seen?" asked Kelsey perplexedly.

The four of them sat in silence for about a minute, trying to imagine what Jan's viewing would have been like. Then they all turned red, and gave a collective shudder of horror.

[Userunfriendly]

Gilbert and Sullivan phase..."English Man" from "HMS. Pinafore"

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Turnip Gnome

The Party: He remains a Turnip Gnome!

Saravok: He remains a Turnip Gnome!
For he himself has said it,
And it's greatly to his credit,
That he remains a Turnip Gnome!

The Party: That he remains a Turnip Gnome!

Saravok: For he might have eaten a radish,
A onion, or carrot, or cabbage,
Or perhaps some summer squash!

The Party: Or perhaps some summer squash!

Saravok:But in spite of all temptations
To eat other taste sensations,
He remains a Turnip Gnome!
He remains a Turnip Gnome!

The Party: For in spite of all temptations
To eat other taste sensations,
He remains a Turnip Gnome!
He remains a Turnip Gnome!

saravok: Damn you Jan Jansen...ever since you had to cast that spell in the wild surge room at Watchers Keep, I keep breaking into song!!! I've fought as a foot soldier at the height of the Blood War, I've almost ignited a confligration that would have consumed the entire Sword Coast, yet to my second dying day, the most horrific memory I'll have is singing in the shower "I'm going to wash that taint right out of my hair" while Charname was giggling like a dememted loon waiting for his turn...

Jan: Well, Savvy, just think of it as practicing your singing voice!

Saravok: SNARL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Userunfriendly]

Ok, this is not BG2 at all...

its a parody on "Kill Bill" by Tarantino, and contains spoilers for the movie...






























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Tarantino Does Toy Story

Cut into a sterile hospital room for long-term patients?the smell of antiseptic everywhere. A purple and green clay-animation figurine lies on the bed, IV tubes running into her arms, and EEG monitor sensors taped to her head. Her eyes are closed. Two stretch toys enter her room furtively?

?Hey, Pokey, how?s your girlfriend?? asked Stretch Gumby.

?Well, My Little Pony is a nice girl, but too dull in the stable?I think I?m going to dump her pretty soon. Ok, Gumby, it?s a hundred for an hour, and don?t leave dents on her. It takes me hours with a putty knife to smooth her back into shape for the Floor Doctor?s daily visits. Enjoy yourself.? Said Stretch Pokey as he walked out of the room.

?Pervert?? muttered Stretch Pokey as he locked the door behind Stretch Gumby and the patient who?s been in a coma for 2 years.

As Stretch Gumby leaned over the coma victim with a leer on his bulging eyes, and a single drop of drool escaping his slash mouth, the eyes of the long term coma patient fluttered open, and a vicious chop flung Stretch Gumby across the room, pure astonishment filling its rudimentary face. A few hours later, the clay figurine drives away in a bright yellow van, leaving behind a Stretch Gumby tied up into a literal knot, and a badly bruised Stretch Pokey locked into her old room. A terrible rage and fury filled the clay animation figurine, as she began to plot her revenge?

Fade to Japan?

A strutting clay animation figure walked into the restaurant, wearing a tight one-piece yellow jumper. The place was filled to the brim with dancing toys, hip-hop music, and Yakuza action figures. The Bride got several whistles and calls as her purple and yellow clay skin contrasted nicely with the yellow jumper. She watched the yakuza action figures out of the side of her eyes as they went up to the private dining area, carefully noting the ones dressed in school girl?s uniforms?obviously they were more than meets the eye, possibly Transformers? One in particular walked with a sleek predatory look, popping her bubble gum, attending closely to a Japanese doll, incredibly elegant in her stark white kimono.

The girl walked into a small storage room, and pulled out of a bin her samurai sword, which her confederate had smuggled into the restaurant a few hours ago, liberally bribed. She tested the draw of the shining blade, knowing that in a few moments she would be in a fight for her life, only her skill and speed with the magnificent blade standing before her and death, or failure, which to her was far worse. She leapt onto the wooden balustrade surrounding the atrium, and carefully out of sight of the Yakuza party occupying a private dining room. As she neared the top, the wooden railing creaked, and a Yakuza soldier dressed in a cheap polyester suit stepped out of the room, and after one look at the demon of vengeance standing before him, gave the alarm as the sword severed his spine and torso in a silvery flash. All the Yakuza action figures walked out of the private dining room, and began their ritual taunting?

?So little girl wants to play with big bad Yakuza, eh??? Gaijin?Baka?? taunted one balding fat guy with plum blossoms tattooed all over his body.

?Big words coming from a obvious reject for the television show Most Extreme Elimination Challenge! What did you audition for, the sumo pit? I suppose they had to tell you that you have to have a smaller girth than the sumo pit in order to play the game?? she sneered.

The Yakuza action figure swelled with rage, and backhanded one young Yakuza who began to reply to her insult.

?That?s MXC, you ignorant western bim??

?Damned Yakuza geeks?enough taunting, DIE!!!?

The next few minutes resembled someone flicking the switch on an industrial food processor, and a grinning 10 year old boy emptying into the hopper his sister?s entire doll collection?as the last of the Yakuza action figures fell to the floor of the disco dance floor, groaning and moaning with pain, while illuminated by the pretty lights coming from the giant rotating disco ball on the ceiling, the school girl stepped out of the room and swaggered up to the Bride. She popped her gum, then a evil whirring noise came out of her as machineguns and rocket launchers exploded out of her body, ripping the Japanese school girl?s uniform off her, and she was revealed to be a transforming Gundam Seed action robot!!! As a anachronistic key rotated from her back, the electron pulse cannons and gatling auto-cannon muzzles slowly extended themselves to full firing positions. The Bride with a quick back-flip got behind the action robot, and with a quick yank pulled out the windup key from her back.

?Damned cheap Taiwanese knock-off components.? said the Gundam action robot as the gears inside her stopped whirling, and with a last grind of rusted gears she fell over on her face, and popped her gum no more.

Finally the Bride stood waiting as Rishi, the second on her list of assassins finally stepped out into the charnel pit where dolls go to die. The Bride looked at her expressionlessly.

?How ?bout you, Peggy Sue? Fabian, where?s my father?s kangaroo watch?? said Rishi with an enigmatic smile on her face. The Bride frowned in puzzlement.

?What the (deleted) are you talking about, you bitch???? said the Bride furiously, she would not stand for being mocked, not here, not now.

?Its called literary foreshadowing, you ignorant bimbo?Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration? I do apologize, but you?re aware as much as I am that enigmatic climatic sayings are mandatory in any samurai movies, or spaghetti westerns.? Said Rishi as she slowly drew her own sword.

The next few minutes were an utter blur as two superbly trained dolls, one clay animation (with the weird fluidity and speed only possible for a doll without joints) and stark savage elegant skills of a doll that had practiced swordsmanship since she was a child, after she had brutally murdered her parent?s killers. Finally, in one last desperation throw, after the Bride had sliced off her sword arm, Rishi tried to choke the Bride with her remaining hand, the un-natural strength of the grip deforming the clay of her neck. With one last wrench, the bride finally stabbed her enemy thru the heart.

?Yo, Joe??whispered the dying Rishi as the light faded from her eyes.

?Yo, Joe??? What the?? muttered the Bride, wincing as the words emerged from her maimed throat. It would take many hours with a palette knife to repair the damage to her neck. She slowly approached the dead incredibly elegant Japanese doll, the questions about her last words and the unnatural strength of the grip of her left hand burning in her brain, and efficiently undressed the corpse of Rishi.

To her complete astonishment, Rishi underneath her elegant kimono was actually revealed to be a G.I.Joe doll with the kung-fu grip!!!

?I wonder who knew Rishi was actually a transvestite?did HE, I wonder?? mused the Bride as she mounted her racing motorcycle. She pulled out of her jumpsuit the LIST, and carefully put a line thru the second name on it. She then started the engine, and as the powerful machine revved up, she renewed her vow of vengence.

?I WILL KILL MR. BILL?? spoke miss Sluggo as she drove out of that abattoir, and into the night.

Somewhere, far, far away, a scream fills the night...

"Oh, NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo!!!" cried Mr. Bill...

[Userunfriendly]

ok, here is the new promised piece...



---------------------------

http://www.poplyrics...ardofoz/006.htm

Biff's Song

If my words were quick and nimble, my delivery as neat as a thimble,
Joy would fill my heart.
Old Higgens would laugh with glee, he'd say "My boy, come with me!"
And I'd finally have the part.
If my prose was smooth and gentle, I wouldn't sound utterly mental,
And yet I'm still torn apart.
If I could say lines with grace...
The audience wouldn't laugh at face
This is why I'll never get the part.
Picture me - a balcony. My voice sings low.
Wherefore art thou, Juliet? My voice is sweet...
Self-Deceit!
Just to register emotion, jealousy - devotion,
How long I've practiced the Art.
Yet for all my blood, sweat and tears,
One foot on the stage, come my fears,
This is why I never deserve the part!

Biff the Understudy looked at himself with bleary eyes. Another night of drinking himself into a stupor just to try to forget the catcalls and boos of the audience, each one a tiny stab with a dagger on his skin. Yet even worse was the disappointment on the face of his fellow actors. He had the talent, the ability and the skill. One hour of rehearsal proved that to everyone. But as soon as he stepped on to the stage in front of a live audience, that tremor, that shaking which started from the tips of his toes and travelled all the way up to his eyebrows would begin.

It was so unfair. Biff had ran away from home when he was 12, away from his affuent and noble family just to take up with a travelling acting troup. It was all he had ever wanted. He proved to be a child prodigy, with incredible memory, musical talents in both performance and composition, and grace and skill in dancing, tumbling and juggling. His new friends were literally awed by the sheer scope and array of talent Biff possessed. However, at his first performance in public at the age of 14, it was...it was...it was horrible. He set fire to the wagons of the troupe while juggling flaming torches, he couldn't remember the simplest lines, and he nearly mortally insulted the grand duke of the duchy the troupe was staying at because the songs he had sung in practice thousands of times before just refused to stay in his head. Life hadn't been good to Biff. If only he could love the stage less, or had just a little less sheer incoherent stage fright, he would be fine. As it was, the only jobs he could get anymore was that of an understudy, and he had to depend on the kindnesses of good folk like Raelis' Shai to put bread on his table. The gods had truely hated him, giving him the priceless gift of talent, and cursed with uncurable stage fright. The gods sucked.

"Miss Raelis, why do you suffer that buffoon to tread these hallowed places, where the very muses have blessed?" said Haer'dalis with a flourish and ruffle, appropriate to the lines he had just recited, from "Three Gentlemen of Waterdeep".

"My lovely Haer. Is there no mercy in you? Or do you feel still the pulse and beat of the will of the Lady of Pain?" asked Raelis. Her favorite actor still delighted her, not only his suave urbanity, and priceless talent, but even his unthinking cruelty, for those less gifted, or comely than he.

"He dishonors the troupe. He believes still, despite all evidence that his problem is stagefright, and if he did not suffer from it, he believes he is the most talented of us all!" replied Haer'dalis.

"And that, my bright one, is what vexes you most of all. He believes he is more talented than you. Haer, have you looked into his eyes every morning, when he walks into the playhouse? He has it, the love of the stage, you can see it in his eyes. But Biff lacks the talent, the ability and skills to be what he wants to be with all his heart, an actor. I indulge his little delusion, and he's a good worker, hard worker. Its a little enough kindness for the hard life he's led, following his heart." said Raelis with compassion in her voice.

"Aye, miss Raelis. Truely the gods were kind to him, to bind his mind's eye." said Haer thoughtfully.

[Userunfriendly]

http://www.vex.net/~...ose_to_you.html

a new one...i just finished it...

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Jan's Turnip Stew

Why do flies suddenly appear
When you unpack your cooking gear?
Just like me, they caught a whiff
of Jan's Turnip Stew.

Why do birds fall from the sky
And little animals curl up and die
Just like me, they caught a whiff
of Jan's Turnip Stew.

On the day that I first caught a whiff
I threw up my toenails too,
And I thought the sewers were beyond belief
Now the ones below Baldur's gate would be a relief
Oh good grief!

That is why the Umber Hulks in town
Follow you all around.
Just like me, they caught a whiff
of Jan's Turnip Stew.

I have no idea what you toss in,
the cooking pot to make that horrible stew
But I know I felt sick
When you tossed in that sizzling weasel on a stick
Weasel on a stick, OH FRICK!

True, the stuff has its use,
Demogorgon sued for truce!
Just like me, he caught a whiff
of Jan's Turnip Stew.
Just like me (Just like me)
he caught a whiff
of Jan's Turnip Stew.

Heaveheaveheave, Jan's Turnip Stew.
Gag...gag...gag...gag, Jan's Turnip Stew.
MYGODSMYGODS, Jan's Turnip Stew.
Spewspewspew, Jan's Turnip Stew.

[Userunfriendly]

Yes I am very very strange...(slightly naughty lyrics)

It all started out with a line in a story in the Attic about a character never ever wearing a fur loincloth...

and i had just watched the video below, and had the lyrics to "Fishheads" in my mind...

so here's a song about the most necessary and ubiquitous piece of a barbarian/berserker/beastmaster's apparel...

the humble yet so necessary loincloth...

(after all, would Conan be Conan without his loincloth? Or the Beastmaster be the Beastmaster without his loincloth? I think not!!!)

http://www.totse.com...t/fisheads.html

http://voobaha.com/

(scroll down, watch video, enjoy brain implosion!!!)

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Loincloths

Loincloths, Loincloths
Itchy furry Loincloths
Loincloths, Loincloths
They always ride up your Bum!

Loincloths, Loincloths
Itchy furry Loincloths
Loincloths, Loincloths
They always ride up your Bum!

In the morning
Itching, stinky
Loincloths
In the evening
Floating in the wash

Loincloths, Loincloths
Itchy furry Loincloths
Loincloths, Loincloths
They always ride up your Bum!

Ask a Loincloth
Anything you want to
They won't answer
Underwear can't talk!

Loincloths, Loincloths
Itchy furry Loincloths
Loincloths, Loincloths
They always ride up your Bum!

I wore a Loincloth
To go see a movie
They said I had to wear a shirt
Just to get in!

Loincloths, Loincloths
Itchy furry Loincloths
Loincloths, Loincloths
They always ride up your Bum!
They won't let you play baseball
Looks funny with a sweater
But they're great for dancing
And banging on drums!

Loincloths, Loincloths
Itchy furry Loincloths
Loincloths, Loincloths
They always ride up your Bum!

I wear my fur Loincloth
When I go drinking
Cappacino in Italian restaurants
With Oriental women...Yeah

Loincloths, Loincloths
Itchy furry Loincloths
Loincloths, Loincloths
They always ride up your Bum!

Loincloths, Loincloths
Itchy furry Loincloths
Loincloths, Loincloths
They always ride up your Bum!
(Scratch, scratch, scratch)

Loincloths, Loincloths
Itchy furry Loincloths
Loincloths, Loincloths
They always ride up your Bum!

Loincloths, Loincloths
Itchy furry Loincloths
Loincloths, Loincloths
Now I got fur up me Bum!


YEAH!!!!!!!!!

[Userunfriendly]

http://www.shsforums...opic=11031&st=0

last night i was listening to Bon's Irenicus Jam, and then Cliffette made the commentary she wanted to hear Jan sing "Tiptoe through the Turnips"...

http://www.shsforums...pic=11031&st=30

how could i resist? I did an improv, and it turned out surprisingly well.

http://home.hetnet.n...6807062605.html

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Tiptoe through the Turnips

Tip-toe to the window
By the window, that is where I'll be
Come tip-toe thru the turnips with me
(Jan: Just let me get my step ladder...)

Tip-toe from your pillow
To the shadow of a willow tree
And tip-toe thru the turnips with me

Knee deep in turnip greens we'll stray
We'll keep the pesky griffins away

And if I kiss you in the garden
In the moonlight, will you pardon me?
And tip-toe thru the turnips with me
(Jan: Darn it, where's that step ladder again?)

Come tip-toe thru the turnips with me

To the shadow of a willow tree
And tip-toe thru the turnips with me

Knee deep in turnip greens we'll stray
We'll keep the pesky griffins away

And if I kiss you in the garden
In the moonlight, will you pardon me?
And tip-toe thru the turnips with me
(Jan: Damn it, I really need that step ladder!)

And if I kiss you in the garden
In the moonlight, will you pardon me?
And tip-toe thru the turnips with me
(Jan: Oh for the love of Bhaal! Honey, can you pick me up?)

:turnip: :turnip: :turnip: