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[Userunfriendly]

more insanely demented songs by me...

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You're only a Jansen (sorry billy...)

http://www.lyricsfre...illy/72917.html

You?re having a hard time and lately even turnips don?t taste so good
You?re getting a bad reputation with Trax in your neighbor-hood
It?s alright, it?s alright
Sometimes that?s what it takes
You?re only a Jansen, you'll make more than your share of mistakes
You better believe there will be times in your life
When you?ll be feeling like a long-limbed fool
So take it from me you?ll learn more from your accidents
Than anything that you could ever learn at gnomish inventor's school

Don?t forget your trunip ends
Healthy turnip greens will give you a second wind

When Lissa left you, you could hardly think thru the pain
You?re gonna be crashing into stone walls again and again
It?s alright, it?s alright
Though you feel your heart break
You?re only a Jansen, you?re gonna have to deal with heartache

You're just a funny little man,
Out in the wide world all alone
You?re not the only one who?s made mistakes
But they?re the only thing besides turnips you can truly call your own

Don?t forget your turnip ends
Healthy turnip greens will give you a second wind

You probably don?t want to hear advice from someone else
But I wouldn?t be telling you if I hadn?t been there myself
It?s alright, it?s alright
Sometimes that?s all it takes
You?re only a Jansen
You?re supposed to make mistakes
But I survived all those long lonely days
When I lost my little sister and best friend
Cause all I needed was a little faith
So I could catch my breath and fight Irenicus again

Don?t forget your trunip ends
Sooner or later you?ll feel the turnip greens kick in
Don?t forget your trunip ends
Sooner or later you?ll feel the turnip greens kick in

[Userunfriendly]

ok, here's another naughty, naughty, suggestive lyrics piece...

yes, that was the warning...rated Pg-13...

for those of you who remember "Girl's night out at Hendak's"...



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http://www.sing365.c...8256DF20009B3FA

In the Party

Where can you find pleasure
Search the world for treasure
Learn gnomish technology
Where can you begin to make your dreams all come true
On the land or on the sea
Where can you learn to fight
for Justice and the Right
experience geography
wield your mace in your right hand
Or cast spells from the grandstand
When your team and others meet

In the Party
Yoshimo: Yes, you can sail the seven seas!
In the Party
Anomen: Yes, you can put your Armor on with ease
In the Party
Jan: Come on now, I even left my Turnip Stand!
In the Party, in the Party
Minsc: Can't you see that Trademeet needs a hand! (Squeek-Eek!)
In the Party
Cernd: Come on, protect the Druid Lands!
In the Party
Yoshimo: I even have a secret plan! (Oopse, ignore that!!!)
In the Party
Haer: We all even have our own Attic fans!
In the Party, in the Party, in the Party (in the Party)

We want you, we want you
We want you as a new recruit!

If you like adventure
Our Party is the one to enter
We need a cleric fast
Don't you hesitate
There is no need to wait
Even though you're just a lass
Maybe you think you're too young
To join up today
But don't you worry 'bout a thing
For I'm sure happy you'll be
Its not just a maybe
Just listen to our earnest plee!

In the Party
Jan: We'll give you all the turnips you ever need!
In the Party
Yoshimo: The pay is better than chicken feed!
In the Party
Minsc: We kick the butts of evil everywhere!
In the Party, in the Party
Haer: I'll show you how to fight with a bardic flair!
In the Party
Anomen: Let evil shake and be-aware!
In the Party
Valygar: Girlfriend, we have to do something about that hair!
In the Party
Cernd: Stop being such a boring square!
In the Party, in the Party, in the Party (in the Party)

We want you, we want you
We want you as a new recruit

Aerie: Who me?

We want you, we want you
We want you as a new recruit

Aerie: But, but, but I'm afraid of the dark.
Aerie: Hey, hey look
Aerie: I've never been outside of the circus you know!

We want you, we want you in the Party.

Aerie: Oh my goodness,
Aerie: What am I gonna do with a turnip?

We want you, we want you in the Party

[Userunfriendly]

ok, this is another naughty one...i seem to do well with tv show theme songs...bad language, and suggestive dialog...you were warned..

pg 13 again, very very naughty..but so is the subject...




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http://www.geocities...lipperSong.html

Viconia!

They call her Viconia, Viconia De Vir,
No one you see, is naughtier than she...
And we know Viconia, Viconia De Vir,
Will spice up a party,how lucky are we!!!

Everyone loves the bad girl you see,
So kind and gentle is she,(NOT!!!)
Tricks she will do when she pleases,
And their tongues will drop to their kneeses!

They call her Viconia, faster than lightning,
No-one you see, can disrobe faster than she,
And we know Viconia, is a creature of wonder,
And she belongs utterly to me!

[Userunfriendly]

http://www.lyrics-4a..._Do_Lyrics.html

I love Turnip-Stew

Love, Turnip-Stew.
I love Turnip-Stew,
Without some I'm blue,
So please-ese, Turnip-Stew.
Yum-mmm, Turnip-Stew.

Love, Turnip-Stew.
I love Turnip-Stew,
Without some I'm blue,
So please-ese, Turnip-Stew.
Yum-mmm, Turnip-Stew.

Turnips I love,
Diced in a stew.
Need a lot of,
Fresh Turnip-Stew.

Love, Turnip-Stew.
I love Turnip-Stew,
Without some I'm blue,
So please-ese, Turnip-Stew.
Yum-mmm, Turnip-Stew.

Love, Turnip-Stew.
I love Turnip-Stew,
Without some I'm blue,
So please-ese, Turnip-Stew.
Yum-mmm, Turnip-Stew.
Yeah-ah, Turnip-Stew.
Spicy, Turnip-Stew.

"NO JAN, WE ARE NOT HAVING TURNIP STEW AGAIN TONIGHT!" shouted Charname.

"Be reasonable Charname, since the siege began, food supplies in Saradush are awfully low. Its either Turnip-Stew again, or we have to start chewing on our boots." spoke Aerie placatingly.

"Ok, here you go." said Charname as he took off his Boots of Avoidance.

Everyone gathered around the cookpot eyeing it with hunger on their face, as the tough leather began to give off a mouth-watering aroma as it boiled. Only Jan sat off to the side happily chewing on a turnip.

[Userunfriendly]

http://www.lyrics007.....r Lyrics.html

for all you Rocky 3 fans out there...

Eye of the Hamster

Risin' up, back on Amn's street
Bent the bars, took my chances
Went the distance now we're back from Rashemon
Just a rodent and his faithful companion
So many times it happens too fast
You lose the only person that matters
Don't lose your grip on the nightmares of the past
You must fight to keep your new witch alive

It's the eye of the Hamster
And teeth that will bite
Beware of our butt-kicking goodness
His fur shaking with fury
What a terrifying sight
And Boo is watching us all
With the eye of the Hamster!!!

Face to face, out in the street
Gathering gold, righting wrongs
They stack the odds still we take to Trademeet
For the kill, with the skill to survive

It's the eye of the Hamster
And teeth that will bite
Beware of our butt-kicking goodness
His fur shaking with fury
What a terrifying sight
And Boo is watching us all
With the eye of the Hamster!!!

Risin' up, straight to the throne
Got the guts, got the glory
Aerie's my witch now, but we still have to atone
Just a rodent and his faithful companion
It's the eye of the Hamster
And teeth that will bite
Beware of our butt-kicking goodness
His fur shaking with fury
What a terrifying sight
And Boo is watching us all
With the eye of the Hamster!!!
The eye of the Hamster!!!
The eye of the Hamster!!!
The eye of the Hamster!!!
The eye of the Hamster!!!

Great fun, Right Boo?!
Squeek-Eek!!!

[Userunfriendly]

http://www.sing365.c...825690F00159AA1

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Sola!

I met him in a city in the Underdark
He was a drow elf with skin as black as Coca-Cola,
C O C A, Cola

He was waiting for me near the city gates
I asked for his name and in a gravelly voice he said "Sola"
S O L A, Sola
So-so-so-so Sola

Well, he's been around, and he's been to school
He quotes poetry, and he's even made Boo Two,
Oh, my Sola
So-so-so-so Sola

Well, I'm not dumb, but I don't know why
All these spider chicks treat him like he's their favorite fly
Oh, my Sola
So-so-so-so Sola So-so-so-so Sola

Well, I left Amn just a week before
But even in the Underdark they got me running a chore
Solafein, he helped me to switch the egg,
So that Phaere could be taken down a peg.

Well I'm not the kind that would forget a friend,
So the dark elf came with us, we're just following a trend
With my Sola
So-so-so-so Sola So-so-so-so Sola

Sola
So-so-so-so Sola So-so-so-so Sola

Well I am the Child,
And I have the Taint,
I'm no bloody saint,
While questions spun my head
This was what that darned Sola said

"I do what I must when I must."
Realizing he was still not voiced, I was just a little fussed
Oh, my Sola
So-so-so-so Sola

You know, Wes came up with quite a card,
Though maybe the encounters shouldn't be so hard
Oh, my Sola
So-so-so-so Sola

Well, I met these elves in their little camp
Now I have to find their stupid lost lamp
Back in Amn, Bodhi stole Sola that night,
And I couldn't believe how hard was that fight,

Well after those evil stone heads gave me the sign
I'm so glad I had Sola Weimerfein
Tob with my Sola
So-so-so-so Sola So-so-so-so Sola

So-so-so-so Sola So-so-so-so Sola
So-so-so-so Sola So-so-so-so Sola

So-so-so-so Sola So-so-so-so Sola
So-so-so-so Sola So-so-so-so Sola

So-so-so-so Sola So-so-so-so Sola
So-so-so-so Sola So-so-so-so Sola

[Userunfriendly]

I wanna be a Paladin!!!

Jan Jansen: Oh, woe is me, I hate my life! Bugger this pitiful life of mine, as a thief-illusionist! Sod it! I want to be a....a....Paladin!

Jan Jansen: Oh, I'm a Paladin, and I'm okay,
I snore all night and I smite all day.

Shadow Thieves: He's a Paladin, and he's okay,
He snores all night and he smites all day.

Jan Jansen: I smite stinky orcs, I eat my lunch,
I go to the Outhouse.
If I'm out in the wide wilderness,
I just use a furry mouse.

Shadow Thieves: He smites stinky orcs, he eats his lunch,
He goes to the Outhouse.
If he's out in the wide wilderness,
He just uses a furry mouse.

Jan Jansen: I smite stinky orcs, I skip and jump,
I like to polish my stuff.
I put on ladies's clothing,
And watch other knights scream and huff.

Shadow Thieves: He smites stinky orcs, he skips and jumps,
He likes to polish his stuff.
He puts on women's clothing
And watch other knights scream and huff???????

Jan Jansen: I smite stinky orcs, I wear high heels,
Panties and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie
Just like my dear papa.

Shadow Thieves: He smites stinky orcs, he wears high heels
Panties and a .... a Bra????

Aerie(crying): I thought you were so rugged!

[Userunfriendly]

For you, notmrt, here is a repost of the song that I personally consider my best ever...

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Vegetarian Rhapsody
Words and music by Freddie Mercury, adapted by Userunfriendly

Is this the real life-
Is this just an RPG-
Caught in Athkatla-
My escape from reality-
Turn on your monitor
Look at your screen and see-
A gnome just getting by,he needs no sympathy-
Because turnips come,turnips go,
Profits high,profits low,
If I sell these turnips,doesn't really matter to me,
To me

Mama,I won't bribe the man,
Trax is out of his head,
No selling Bruiser Mates, (he said)
Mama, career had just begun,
But now I've gone and thrown it all away-
Mama ooo,
Didn't mean to make you cry-
If I'm jailed again this time tomorrow-
Carry on,carry on, nothing really matters-

Too late, my time has come,
Trax caught me just this time-
He is such a sticky slime,
Goodbye everybody-I've got to go-
Uncles, Cousins, nephews, and nieces all
Mama ooo- (I think this really blows)
I don't want to go,
Maybe I should have bribed old Trax after all-

I see a little silhouetto of a gnome,
CrunchyTurnips, CrunchyTurnips, juices running down his chin-
Jailcell and lockup-very very frightening me-
ChildofBhaal,ChildofBhaal,
ChildofBhaal,ChildofBhaal,
ChildofBhaal, help me so-Magnifico!!!
But I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me-
He's just a poor boy from a gnomish family-
Spare him his life from this travesty-
Easy come easy go-,will you let me go-
DamnyouJan! No-,we will not let you go-let him go-
DamnyouJan! We will not let you go-let him go
DamnyouJan! We will not let you go-let me go
Will not let you go-let me go
Will not let you go let me go
No,no,no,no,no,no,no-
Mama mia,mama mia,mama mia let me go-
StinkyTrax has a jailcell put aside for me, for me, for me-

So you think you can jail me and spit in my eye-
So you think you can jail me and leave me to die-
Oh Traxy-Can't do this to me Traxy-
Just gotta get out-just gotta get right outta here-

Nothing really matters,
Anyone can see,
Nothing really matters-,nothing really matters to me,

I think this really blows....

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for your sing along pleasure...

http://www.newground...w.php?id=131487

this one sings really well!!!

[Userunfriendly]

for you bey, my best knights in drag story...naughty...very naughty...you were warned...

oh yeah, Hellocthul is my long running series character, who's complete episodes can be found in the attic cellar, and in the fanfic section of the gibberings 3...

















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Girl's Night Out at Hendak's


Smite!
Smite!
Smite!
Smite!
We Smite for your love!
Smite!
Smite!
Smite!
Smite!
We are Knights, who Smite!
Smite!
Smite!
Smite!
Smite!
We are Knights, who wear Tights!
Tights!
Tights!
Knights!
Smite!

As the five members of the "Pally People" began to strut and dance in a most provokative way on the stage behind the bar of the Copper Coronet, poor Mazzy tried simultaniously to cover her eyes and ears. Hellocthul gave her a big grin, and pushed a tankard of ale in front of her. Despite her strong views on alchohol (most uncharacteristic for a halfling), Mazzy grabbed the tankard and drained it at one gulp. The rest of the party were already more than a little inebriated, and even the normally taciturn Jaheira was cheering and whistling as the dancers strutted their stuff.

The five members of the "Pally People" were wearing armor...or to be more specific, half armor. They were wearing chainmail (crotch-less and butt-less) chaps, steel boots and their shocking pink g-strings were clearly visible. As they shook their booty, the thousands of steel rings sounded like metallic rain. Their bare upper bodies were glistening with oil, and obviously waxed heavily, since they lacked even a trace of chest hair. They each wore glittering and beaded falsies over their (deleted). As they danced, As they stomped and kicked and clicked their heels in unison, the armor boots sounded like castinets, the chaps tinkling with the band's driving rythm and beat. They were obviously very skilled and practiced, as even their shoulders moved to the beat, and each dancer managed to twirl the beaded tassles attached to each falsie in a counter-rotating fashion. One particularly adroit fellow was able to spin the tassles so fast that they were almost a blur, remining the party of one of Jan's most dangerous inventions, the "Turnip-copter". On their heads they wore various helms denoting the noble orders. One dancer wore the full tilting helm of the Noble Order of the Radient Heart. Another dancer wore the crested mask helm of the Order of the Illmather, with the full feathered headress made of dove plumes. Yet another wore the practical riding helmet of the Order of Helm.

The female members of the party, including Hellocthul, had ditched Minsc, Yoshimo, Jan and Anomen to have a girl's night out. Despite Nalia's and Mazzy's protests that this was "vulgar" and "crass" entertainment, all of the girls were beginning to enjoy themselves. Nalia, who first alternated between blushing and covering her eyes, was now openly watching the floor show avidly and banging her little fists on the table, in beat with the music. Mazzy, after draining a couple of full tankards of ale, literally let her hair down, yanking off her trademark rubberbands from her hair. Now for the first time, the party found out why exactly Mazzy wore rubber bands in her hair. The resulting fur rug that escaped their elastic prison cascaded over her head, and completely covered her body. She looked like a giant hairball, coughed up by some gargantuan cat, with two booted feet sticking out the bottom.

Nalia, in a drunken slur, said "Hey! Its Cousin, I mean Aunty It!" refering to a character from a popular crystal ball show, the "Xzar Family". Two arms poked themselves out of the giant hair ball, pulled masses of hair away from her face, and Mazzy stuck her tongue out at Nalia, while her eyes were still taking in the show. Nalia just started giggling.

Jaheira had downed 10 full flagons of wine, and was already in full audience mode, shouting her approval of the costume, or the lack of costume on the dancers. Viconia, of course, enjoyed herself tremendously in the first number, and was shouting now for the dancers to take off the rest of their costumes. An argument started out between Viconia and Jaheira, Jaheira claiming that the dancers had socks stuffed down their g-strings, based on the fact that she was a druid, so she had instinctive ability to scry un-natural "things". Viconia, citing her long and varied experience with the male anatomy, claimed that they were quite real. As they continued bickering, the "Pally People" launched into a new singing and dancing number.


young man, there's no need to feel down.
I said, young man, pick your sword off the ground.
I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town
there's no need to be unhappy.

young man, there's a place you can go.
I said, young man, when battling evil is all you know.
you can stay there, and I'm sure you will find
many ways to have a righteous time.

it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.
it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.

This Noble Order has everything for you men to enjoy,
you can hang out with all the boys...

it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.
it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.

you can get your armor cleaned, you can polish your staff,
if you're a cleric and that's what you have...

young man, are you listening to me?
I said, young man, a Paladin is what you want to be!
I said, young man, you can join the Radient Heart.
but you got to know this one thing!

no man fights evil by himself.
I said, young man, grab your shield from the shelf,
and just go there, to the N-O-R-H.
I'm sure they can help you today.

it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.
it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.

This Noble Order has everything for you men to enjoy,
you can hang out with all the boys...

it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.
it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.

you can get your armor cleaned, you can polish your staff,
if you're a cleric and that's what you have...

young man, I was once in your shoes.
Evil was everywhere, and Good sure to lose.
Smiting just didn't feel right.
I felt the whole world was so wrong...

that's when someone came up to me,
and said, young man, walk to the temple district.
there's a place there called the N-O-R-H.
they can start you back on your way.

it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.
it's fun to stay at the N-O-R-H.

This Noble Order has everything for you men to enjoy,
you can hang out with all the boys...

N-O-R-H ... you'll find it at the N-O-R-H.

young man, young man, there's no need to feel down.
young man, young man, pick your sword off the ground.

N-O-R-H ... you'll find it at the N-O-R-H.

young man, young man, there's no need to feel down.
young man, young man, pick your sword off the ground.

N-O-R-H ... just go to the N-O-R-H.

young man, young man, are you listening to me?
young man, a Paladin is what you want to be!


As the five members finished their song they had their arms around each others shoulders, and were doing high kicks, just like the Calimshite City Rockettes. Hellocthul noticed Jaheira was finishing up a spell, her fingers moving in the final gestures of a complex incantation, her voice lost in the roar of the mostly female audience. As the song and dance came to an end, a huge horde of chittering and giggling mice, hamsters, and other rodents boiled out from the stage, and a mammalian horde attacked the g-strings of each of the suddenly terrified dancers. The rodents ate the pink silken g-strings off each dancer, and suddenly disappeared. As the shaking and shocked dancers uncurled themselves from the protective posture each had instinctively assumed, the riot began. As Viconia was proven right after all, the audience surged against the wall of bouncers that Hendak had placed in front of the stage. One especially nimble matron however, managed to jump over the bouncers in a beautifully executed stage dive, and had grabbed the (deleted) of the last dancer, who was unable to join his fellows in fleeing the stage for their lives. Nalia dropped her cup of wine, and ran to the matron, and grabbed her waist, trying to make her let go.

"Aunty! Let go of him!!! Aunty Delcia, let him go! Please!!!" shouted Nalia desperately to her Aunt. Lady Delcia finally let go of the (deleted) of the last dancer, who desperately fled the stage, whimpering and crying. Lady Delcia then proceeded to pass out, and a bouncer picked her up to take her to the drunk tank in the back room.

The party paid the tab, and quickly exited the Copper Coronet, giggling and laughing so hard they had to support each other to keep from falling over. As the girls breathed deeply of the cold night air in an effort to regain some sobriety, Hellocthul asked a question of Jaheira.

"Say Jaheira, what was that spell you cast?" asked Hellocthul inbetween her giggles.

"Well, hehehhehehhe...it was a variant of the insect plague spell. Instead of using the word for insects, I used the word for rodents. It turned out better than I thought it would, I think I will call it..." said Jaheira.

"SQUEEKING DOOM!!!" cried the party in a chorus.

[Userunfriendly]

very naughty...

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Gnome Improvement

"WHAT TIME IS IT?" yelled Aerie to the packed audience.

"TURNIP TIME!!!" yelled the audience back.

"Welcome to Turnip Time, sponsored by Jansen Enterprises, and here's your host, Jan the Turnip-Gnome Jansen!" said Aerie, extremely fetching in a short green tunic and tights.

The audience was mostly composed of gnomes with a few humans and elvenkind thrown into the mix.

The very popular do-it-yourself handicrafting show, with a little basic magical artifact making had proved to be wildly successful, now well into its second season, despite the host's tendency to tell long, winding and wildly non-sensical stories. Of course, certain members of the cast felt it was their own contributions to the show despite the host that made the show one of the most popular on the telescry network...

"Thank you, Aerie, you're as ravishing as always. Now let's give a warm hand for my assistant, Ano Delryn!" As the female members of the audience applauded, Anomen Delryn walked in, flashing a brilliant smile (Massive doses of Simply White, and for that roguish curlique of hair on his forehead, a dash of brylcream) and wearing his trademark armor painted with squares in eyeclashing combinations of blue, rust, green and yellow. He was as well known for his distinctive plaid armor as Jan was for his turnip stories.

"That's Anomen, Jan." said Anomen as he started the banter that started each episode of the show.

"You see, Ano, that's what throws me off. The plurality of your name. It doesn't sound, you know...right. That kinda reminds me of my nephew, Galahad Jansen, and his adventures while he was questing for the Holy Snail..." began Jan.

At this point the audience settled back in their comfy seats, and not a few of them broke open the complementary packets of Turnip-nuts that the thoughtful producers had provided to each member of the audience. As the gnomes crewed on the turnip flavored crunchy treats, Jan began his story.

"You see, poor Galahad, known as the unlucky, because he always seems to have the worst luck in matters of the heart, don't you know, was hired when he was younger to be a treasure hunter for the temple of Escargo, the God of Gastropods. He was hired to recover their most holy treasure, the Holy Snail. This was a golden snail, that if you lick the slime off the bottom, it will cure any disease. Now clerics of Escargo, as you all know, are very, very powerful, so you may ask, why didn't they search for this holy relic themselves. Well, in honor of their deity, the only form of locomotion they were allowed was to lie with their tummy on the floor, and clenching and unclenching their stomach muscles to wiggle their way to get anywhere. Poor lads, more than one novitiate starved to death getting to the dining hall before they caught on to the trick of tummy crawling. Now where was I?" asked Jan in perplexity.

"The holy snail" replied Anomen. He kept thinking to himself, I need the gold, I need the gold. His wife, Mazzy Fentan had a 500 gold a week habit in rubber bands. How she went thru so many rubber bands still amazed him. He knew she didn't eat them, because their house was filled with literally millions of broken, snapped rubber bands. They got everywhere, in the bathroom, the bed, even in the food. This was why he had an automatic gag reflex whenever he saw a plate of spagetti.

"Oh yes, thanks Ano. Well, anyhu, he was hired to find the holy snail. After many adventures, including the knights who break wind in your direction, he finally reached the Castle Chickenpox, where he saw a glowing vision of the Holy Snail floating above the castle. Galahad naturally went to the front door, and there he was greeted by Zoot, the head of the castle, who lived there herself and with eight score other beautiful human and half elven girls, all between the ages of 16-19, who spent all their time bathing, dressing and undressing and making exciting knickers. He was tricked into entering the cluches of those women, who had rather nefarious plans for him. The women, led by Zoot and her twin sister Dingo, would first make him punish them, by spanking each girl barebottom with his own hands. After this would come the time for the oral (deleted).Now fortunately me and his brothers, my other nephews Gawain Jansen and Lancelot Jansen had gotten wind of his mortal peril, and we rescued him, kicking and screaming at the top of his lungs at the nick of time, before the girls had him firmly in their clutches." said Jan, smiling benignly as he thought of how he had saved that poor lad.

"So, urm...what in the name of Helm has this to do with calling me Ano???!!!" asked Anomen. He had sureptitiously loosened his neckguard while Jan was telling the story.

"Oh dear, oh dear, actually that part of the story had nothing to do with why I call you Ano, Ano. No, actually it has to do with what came of him afterwards. He was so traumatized by that whole encounter that he quit the treasure hunting business, and moved to the seashore, to open up a fishing supplies shop. I know, I know, its nowhere as presdigious as opening up a turnip or invention shop, but I did mention that whole encounter traumatized him, right? This may be why
he was still unlucky with the fair sex. I dare say he hasn't had a date in years, possibly his entire life! Anyhu, he turned out to have a pronounced flair and talent when it comes to selling fishing gear. But it was in the specialty of crafting bait that he really was truely gifted. Why, he used to craft these artificial lures, made of bits of twine, a hunk of wood, even a piece of, if you can believe it, a radish," at this point the audience gasped in horror "and the fish would literally jump out of the water to impale themselves on the hook. He became so good at crafting lures, his store specialized in nothing else. All up and down the coast, he became known for his lore and skill. He is still reverently called 'Master Baiter'. Though the poor lad seems to hate that title. Even though it fits him perfectly. Like your's fits you perfectly, my esteemed assistant!" said Jan with a wide smile.

As Anomen sat down, trying vainly to forget the story, with a poleaxed expression on his face, Jan basked in the applause of the gnomes in the audience.

"Urm...ok, ok, now Jan, if members of the audience, including our wonderful home viewers, of course, wanted to visit this shop, where would they be able to find it?" Anomen asked desperately.

"Oh that's quite simple. Just go to the docks, head south along the coast, and within 20 or so miles, they should be able to find the "Golodon's Wand and Staff Polishing." You see, Galahad is so cheap that he never replaced the sign put up by the previous owner. Just look for the lopsided gnome. Galahad, he spends so much time on the lure making table, with minute and quick movements of his right arm and hand, that his right side is much more muscular than his left. And due to handling radish juice, with its highly caustic and toxic properties, his calluses are incredibly thick on his right palm. Oh dearie, dearie me...I almost forgot, his shop sign hasn't been repaired in years, so actually instead of being the "Golodon's Wand and Staff Polishing", the "Golodon's", "Wand" and the "and" have fallen off the sign. Just walk on in, and mention my name." said Jan.

"Ok, ok, ok, now back to today's featured project!" said Anomen quickly.

"Right-o, ok, folks, today we're going to be making a turnip golem! That's right, we're actually going to make a working golem out of turnips. First of all, we need a Jansen 3000 golem making kit, available at your fine Jansen retailers all around Amn for a mere 8000 gold. The kit provides you with a basic magic skeleton, and all the directions necessary to make your new creation. And here is a fine example that the lovely Aerie is wheeling out. Aerie?" said Jan, as Aerie, huffing and puffing, wheeled out a large dolly with a golem on top. The golem's skin was a pale white, and there was the strong scent of turnips in the air. All the gnomes in the audience clapped vigourously, as the veggie automaton was brought to the center stage.

"Now the lads backstage have almost finished this fine example of gnomish artifice, and all that remains is to insert the tiny scroll with the true name of the goddess of magic, "Supercalifragalisticexpialidotious" inscribed in high Netheril, written in diamond dust on the pure beaten gold leaf of the scroll." Jan held up a tiny cylinder of gold leaf.

"We simply place the activation scroll under the tongue, where the special holder has been prepared. Now at this point, the normal customer of this fine golem building kit would simply insert the activation scroll, and the golem, with the built in safety spells and failsafes, will work properly and stand ready to obey its new master. However, the boys backstage and I, myself have been working on a slightly different activation scroll." Jan holds up a gold and silver box.

He hops on top of the table standing before the motionless magical construct, and opens the box.

"Inside this box is an activation scroll made out of precious Adamantium with the activation name written in pure crushed rogue stone. This activation scroll is many times more powerful, because its made out of much rarer and more arcanely charged materials, so this scroll will make our new golem faster, and able to work much more. And why should we use this scroll, instead of the standard scroll?" asked Jan in an expectant voice.

"MORE TURNIPS!" shouted the audience in unison.

"That's right! With a more powerful activation scroll this golem will be able to harvest twice as many turnips as your average golem, lift twice as many bushels of veggies and generally make itself twice as useful at your farm!" Jan lifts out the glittering silvery cylinder, and opening the golem's mouth, inserts the activation scroll.

"Urm...Jan, did you say the scroll was made out of Adamantium?" asked Anomen, his face twisted up as if he was trying to remember something.

"Why yes, I did." replied Jan.

"Urm...Jan, doesn't Adamantium disintegrate when its exposed to sunlight?" said Anomen, just as the Golem opened its eyes, a fine trail of greyish dust trickled down from the jaw of the newly activated golem. The golem stood up from the dolly used to carry it into the studio, and its eyes began to bulge and filled with unholy light. It raised its arms, and gave a gigantic roar!!!

"ME WILL CRUSH YOU, CRUSH YOU INTO GNOMISH GOO!!!"

As the audience screamed its terror, Jan gave a valiant battlecry, and leaped up and grabbing the golem's right hand with his arms, began to gnaw on the arm. Anomen sighed in exasperation. It sure seemed like every episode ended up with the project of the day going on a rampage, or a Jansen invention going berserk. Wincing at the memory of the massacre from last week when the latest Jansen TurnipMaster 2000 went wildly out of control, and sliced up half the audience, (Thank Helm for signed waivers) he reached for the Flail of the Ages attached to his belt. His hands did not find the familiar leather wrapped hilt!!! Anomen remembered with a shock that when he put on his armor this morning, the leather suspenders holding up his steel pants had snapped off, so when he attached the heavy flail to its customary place on his belt, his armor pants had sagged down, and formed a huge butt cleavage. When Aerie had walked by, her giggles made him take off the flail, and put it away in his dressing room. He desperately grabbed a long sword from a rack mounted on the wall, and yelped as he felt a searing pain on his palm.

"Helm-Damned class restrictions!" he shouted as he dropped the sword.

Praying to Helm for luck, he grabbed in desperation the TurnipMaster 3000 prototype from the shelf on the worktable, and closed his eyes, and pulled on the starter handle. The supercharged and turboboosted infernal combustion engine operated turnip-peeler gave a massive roar of pure mechanical power, and the hundreds of tiny blades and forks began whirling and spinning at super high speed.

"In Helms name, drop that gnome and surrender peacefully!" yelled Anomen.

The turnip golem flicked away the desperately chewing Jan, and faced the Cleric and Co-host with its right arm chewed up a bit, but still very dangerous and defiant. Anomen warbled his battle cry, and with a huge overhand cut of the TurnipMaster 3000, sliced off the turnip golems right arm!!! The hyperpowerful veggie peeler made a horrifying grinding and gnashing noise as the tiny forks and blades literally ate thru the arm, spraying vegetable matter everywhere.

"Now surrender!" said Anomen.

"Tis but a scratch!" said the turnip golem.

"A scratch? Your arms off!"

"No it isn't!"

"Then what's that then?" asked Anomen pointing with the still roaring, spinning and twirling TurnipMaster 3000 at the large arm on the floor, still oozing turnip juice into the studio carpet.

"I've had worse!" said the turnip golem defiantly.

"YOu lie!"

The two tangled up again in melee, the turnip golem attacking with powerful sweeps of its remaining left arm, and Anomen slashing with the evil turnip peeling contraption. Finally, Anomen sliced off the turnip golem's left arm!

"Victory is mine!" Anomen knelt and began a prayer of thanksgiving to Helm, but the turnip gnome kicked him on the butt with its right foot!

"Look, you stupid git, you have no arms left!"

"Yes, I have!"

"Look!"

"Its just a flesh wound!"

"I'll slice off your legs, you silly golem!"

With a cry of rage, the furious Cleric and Co-host sliced off the right leg of the turnip golem. It somehow remained upright, hopping on the left leg while the audience, who had settled back down on their seats now that the immediate danger seemed to be over, looked in disbelief.

"Right, I'll do you for that!"

"You'll what???!!! What are you going to do to me, bleed turnip juice all over me?"

The turnip golem hopped around, and tried to headbutt Anomen.

"I'm invincible!"

"you're a Veggy!" said Anomen, and sliced off its last leg.

"Right, we'll call it a draw!" said the armless, legless vegetable automaton.

"What, running away then? Comeback, I'll bite your legs off!" shouted the daft golem as Anomen turned off the TurnipMaster 3000, and started walking back to his dressing room, holding the evil device and looking at it in wonder.

"No, I'm going to leave you to the studio audience. Snack Time!" Anomen shouted. The studio audience launched themselves at the remains of the turnip golem, like a voracious school of piranha poodles, yipping and barking and bearing their fangs, and literally ate the remains of the poor golem in seconds. Anomen tenderly put away the devilish contraption in his dressing room, and walked back to the studio, with a towel, wiping away the splatter of turnip juice covering his armor.

As the audience settled back to their seats, the cameras cut to commercial. Anomen took the opportunity to talk to Jan quietly.

"Jan, you know that TurnipMaster 3000? Its never going to work as a turnip peeler, but it makes for the most evil, nasty and utterly deadly hand to hand weapon I've ever seen!!! We should market this as the ultimate monster killer!!! We could make millions!!!" whispered Anomen.

As Jan's face lit up with unholy glee, both Anomen and Jan's thoughts were a million miles away as they finished the taping of their show.

[Userunfriendly]

who remembers attack of the killer tomatoes???

---------------

Attack of the Gnome Eating Trunips!!!

Attack of the Gnome eating Turnips!
Attack of the Gnome eating Turnips!

From the Jansen's lab come forth each week
The pallid monsters of which we speak
Except when he has to take a leak!

Turnips, Turnips!

Oh, isn't it pityticing
Turnips eating the city
Can no-one stop these mutant veggies
Gnomes keep hiding behind the heggies!
Can Jan ever stop those idiotic stories?

"Attack of the Gnome eating Turnips! Attack of the Gnome eating Turnips!
They'll beat you, bash you, squish you, mash you
They'll grab a gnome by the legs
And bite his head off, OH SMEG!
They're marching down the slums
Grabbing gnomish children, pappys and mums
They're pallid, pale, hairy, scary
Crunchy to the core
They're standing just outside your door!
Remember my cousin Beloo
While using his outdoor loo
He turned around and he did see
Turnips hiding in his tree
Now he's just a memory!
I know I'm going to miss him
A turnip bit my sister once
Athkatla today was lost
They're marching on Beregost
The Turnips are on their way!

Jan woke up screaming in pure terror. The rest of the party jumped up out of their bedrolls, weapons ready, while the last watch rapidly scanned the surrounding woods for any hint of danger. After everyone looked at Jan, saw him covered in cold sweat, and trembling violently, they realized he had a nightmare, and stood down.

Aerie grabbed him in a hug, and asked quietly in a gentle voice what was the matter. After everyone heard his stammering description of a dream where giant mutated vegetables had come to eat him, while singing an evil song, laughter filled the clearing where the party had settled down for the night.

Aerie moved her bedroll closer to Jan while he settled down back to sleep.The next day, Aerie was astonished to find Jan awake and munching on two turnips at once, each hand clenched around the leafy stalk.

"Urm, Jan, I'd thought you wouldn't be able to look at another turnip for a while, after last night's dream???" she enquired.

"Pre-emeptive strike, my dear child!" he mumbled around a mouth full of the crunchy veggie.

Of course, the party didn't find it nearly as funny the next week when they visited the Jansen home in the slums and had an encounter with the Turnip Golem...