Are you being served?

The elf at the desk cleared his throat, and he said, "Okay, it's show time sir, lady..."

Anomen blushed, "Um...where are we supposed to go?"

The elf sighed, and said, "I will transport you there. By the way, upon entering, I suggest you kneel..."

"Ha!" Frika said, "I kneel to no man..."

Anomen, however, knowing the way his luck had been going, simply nodded his assent, and flexed his knees, ready to stop, drop, and roll if it was necessary.

The elf shrugged, and started to gesticulate, "Have it your way..."

Frika was in her own little world, as she continued to speak, "unless its in a dark alley, and Anomen is wearing a trench coat...and he has that shepherd's crook..."

Anomen wasn't sure if that hot flash he felt going through his body was the burning in his cheeks, or a side effect of the transportation spell, but the moment he felt firmament beneath his legs, he immediately dropped to his knees, glad that he listened to the elf's warning instead of questioning it as was his wont...unfortunately, there was a loud OUCH that echoed through the courtroom, and he found himself reaching over to catch his wife, as she fell to the ground, a large bruise on her forehead.

"He did say to kneel..." Anomen murmured, as Frika started to growl. Anomen took a quick glance around the room, and saw that it was what he always imagined a perfect courtroom looked like, right down to the stockades in the corner, and the paisley wallpaper...and overhead space for those 4 feet tall. Behind the highest desk in the center of the room, was a pair of beady eyes that barely could see over the desk, as well as a gavel that was bigger than the hand partially wrapped around the handle.

There was a sign nearby that read, "Honorable Hightower" on a placard. A fiery, if shrill voice squeaked, "Hold on a minute...bailiff...bring me another pillow..."

"Yes sir..." grunted what could only be described as dwarven muscle, lurched out of the room, and then returned with another pillow. A few more minutes passed, when the eyes slowly grew larger, revealing a head thick with hear, a sloping forehead, and

He saw that there was already someone on the stand, a man wearing the clerical garb of Lathander, answering a series of questions from a black robed man, obviously a lawyer by the looks of him.

The lawyer asked, "And where was the location of the accident?"

The cleric replied, "Approximately milepost 499."

Sparing a special glance at the judge, the lawyer asked, "And where is milepost 499?"

The cleric smiled, and answered, "Probably between milepost 498 and 500..."

Anomen looked at Frika, and whispered, "Is it me...or does it seem like Jan might have several undeclared cousins..."

Frika glanced at Anomen and shuddered, and said, "I hope not..."

Anomen tried to follow the rest of the trial but found himself drowsing off. He was starting to catch up on his sleep, when he felt a sharp pain in his ribs, and he woke up, barely able to stop from snorting when he heard a new voice speak:

"... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my address. I called security..."

Anomen blinked, and asked Frika, who was watching this with awe, "Did I miss anything?"

Frika snorted herself, and said, "Let's just say its fun to watch those who think logically...in contrast to the real world..."

Anomen nodded and shifted his position, hoping that he would stay awake, but once more, fell asleep...only to wake up to a charley horse in his kneeling position. As he clamped his mouth, to keep from crying out loud, a fresh new voice, said, "Yes, that's right...I am that's mine. Useful tool, isn't it, best when its about 6 or 8 inches long. I found that it is enjoyed by members of both sexes. I often left mine dangling loosely, ready for action at a moments notice. You can tell its mine, since it has a clump of little hairy things at one end, and a small hole at the other. I use it by inserting it into a warm, moist fleshy opening where it is thrust in and drawn out, again and again, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, many times in succession. This is often accompanied by squirming body movements. Once you hear it in action, you would instantly recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound that comes from its well-lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky, white substance that will have to be cleaned from both its long glistening shaft and the opening?s outer surfaces. When its activity is through, and the liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely-hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action. All things considered, its best when it reaches its bristling climax two or three times a day, but often much less..."

Another lawyer nodded, and he said, "So, sir, you would say that this is..."

The man on the bench said, "Yes, that's my toothbrush..."

Anomen shook his head, and glanced at Frika, whispering, "Did I hear...what I just heard..."

Frika turned to him, and said, "Shh...this is just getting good..."

Anomen grumbled, but settled down into his position, and let his mind drift free once more when he heard someone calling his name, and felt his wife grabbing him forward.

"Calling Sir Anomen Delryn...please approach the bench..." said the dwarf that scrambled along on his knuckles.

"I'm here! I'm here!" Anomen yelped.

"Merry meet..." squeaked the voice from behind the bench, and then there was a shuffle of papers from behind the bench.

"Oh my...they have quite a list on you...?" the diminutive source of the voice asked.

"Yes, your honor...but its all lies..." Anomen said, figuring that it was best to be polite.

"I do say...you know how many treants would have had to die to give this list?" the judge, asked. There was the sound of a paper unraveling, and as it unfurled, it reached up and over the desk, down the five feet length of it, and bounced along the ground until it hit Anomen's feet. At the very bottom, in freshly penned ink, was mention of his crime against fashion.

"So, do you Anomen, aka Frika's Delight, aka the Man of the Golden Dong, do you desire me to read all the charges?" the judge asked.

"No your honor...I...am fairly conversant with the charges..." Anomen replied.

The judge paused, and said, "Very well...and how do you plead? And I warn you, if you say, 'On my hands and knees...' I will...well, let's just say that it won't be pleasant..."

Anomen nodded, and said, "I plead innocent your honor..."

A hush fell through the courtroom, and the judge asked, "Innocent? Really? Well, what do you know about that...tell me, then, do you have a lawyer?"

Anomen shook his head, and replied, "No, sir, I don't...I was thinking I would defend myself..."

Suddenly, there was a large laugh that echoed from the judge's base, that soon turned into a cough. In between wheezes, the judge said, "Oh my, that's precious...son, you have to have a lawyer...even if it is a court appointed one..."

A few more moments pass as the judge regained his composure, and says, "You are hereby remanded to the service of Harry Mason, associate with the firm Taeker, Spredar, and Bangar...and I declare this session adjourned..."

Anomen looked at his wife, as they at outside at a table under the golden sun that morning awaiting their breakfast. His eyes shifted around him warily, looking for more trouble to happen. He noticed that his wife was reading her book again, Better Living Through Alchemy, but that she was three-quarters of the way through it.

Then Anomen stared at his wife, as the morning sun shone on her blonde hair, blazing like a field of sun-ripened wheat.

Great, why do I suddenly feel like running barefoot through her hair... Anomen thinks.

Frika put the book down, rubbing the bridge of her nose, and then smiled as she basked in her husband's gaze.

"What are you doing, honey?" she purred, raising a dainty foot under the table, and gently caressing Anomen's inner thigh.

"Just admiring your hair sugar-tush..." Anomen smiled back, thinking, Yeah...like a field of sun ripened wheat, I could mow it, thresh it, and bake it into muffins...

Anomen's stomach gurgled at that thought, and he asked, "What is taking the waiter so long? We are supposed to be at the lawyers in an hour..."

Frika sighed, and massaged his groin, as she said, "Patience...good things...come...to those who wait..."

Anomen grumbled, but went back to waiting, grabbing his knife and fork, fencing with each implement, adding sound effects when appropriate. He stopped when he heard the clearing of a throat, and saw the elvish waiter standing there with a tray in his hands.

"Breakfast is served, madam, sir..." the waiter said, and lowered two plates. Anomen glanced at Frika's plate, and his mouth started to drool, for he saw several golden, almost leaf thin squares on her plate, fresh whipped cream, topped with cherries.

As Frika daintily ate, teasing Anomen with every bite, the cleric took a big bite of his breakfast...and promptly spat it on the ground. Anomen looked down, and growled when he saw a chocolaty brown...substance...on his plate. He couldn't help but notice the flies buzzing around his...meal.

"Waiter, what is the meaning of this...shit?" Anomen asked.

The waiter looked surprised, while Frika sat there thoughtfully. The waiter then answered, "But, sir, I gave you what you ordered..."

Anomen swore, and pointed at Frika's plate, "I don't know what kind of games you're pulling, but I ordered what she ordered. You can take this back to the chef, and tell him he can shove it where the sun don't shine..."

The waiter shrugged, and said, "Very well sir..."

Anomen grunted, "Can you believe that?"

Frika started to giggle, and she said, "Actually honey...I really do think the fault lies with you. You haven't brushed up on your Elvish as I asked you to, didn't you?"

Anomen stared, "And what is that supposed to mean? I've been practicing the...elven...tongue almost on a daily basis..."

Frika tittered and blushed, "That's not what I mean...seriously, honey, what did you say..."

Anomen looked at her, and shrugged, and repeated his breakfast order. Frika's eyes grew wide, and she immediately to sputter with laughter.

"Okay, love, what is so funny?" Anomen asked.

"You...didn't ask for crepe suzette...you asked...for crap suzette...you forget the inflection..." she howled.

Anomen's face burned red, when he the waiter came back bearing his order.

Allowing his irritation to flush through his body, he sniped, "What is it now?"

The waiter cowered, the elven arrogance fleeing his body, as he said, "I'm sorry sir...I couldn't take it back...its going to have to wait. There is one lobster, and two steaks before this..."

Anomen stood, pushed his chair in, and said, "You sir...have just lost your tip...come one dear, let's go...we have an appointment to keep..."

Anomen stood outside the door of the burrow that led to the law offices of Taeker, Spredar, and Bangar. He glanced at the garish sign above the door, and read the logo underneath it, where it showed a startled elf, his eyes wide, his blond dreadlocks hanging limply, his stomach resting on a barrel, his legs splayed behind him.

"What's the matter, dear?" Frika asked.

"Do you think maybe one of Jan's innumerable relatives was the sign painter?" Anomen asked.

"Hmm...now that you mention it...maybe...eerie, though, isn't it, how the eyes seem to follow you..." Frika said.

"Yeah, but do they have to be so literal? I mean...take a gander at the logo..." Anomen said.

Frika glanced at it, and read out loud, her bountiful bosom swaying to and fro, momentarily hypnotizing Anomen, "Carpe Diem..."

Anomen shook his head, as he asked, "Doesn't mean Seize the Fish?"

Frika shuddered, and this time she said, "Okay, that's it. Less sexual intercourse, and more public discourse for you young man..."

Anomen's face broke out into a smile, and he said, "Ooh...will you be wearing that outfit, you know the one I like...the gleaming black leather mini-skirt, the silky midnight blouse, the naga-hyde vest...ooh, and you could discipline me for acting up in class..."

Frika's face blushed, and she glanced around her as she whispered, "Hush, now, don't we have a meeting to attend?"

Anomen sighed regretfully, wiped a small drop of drool from the corner of his mouth, and said, "Yes, Princess..."

Frika sighed, "Men..." looked toward the heavens and entered the burrow, Anomen hot on her heels. As he entered, he saw a small placard in a nearby window, and winced when he read the message on it: Out to lunch; if not back by five, out for dinner.

Honest at least... he thought, before heading on in. Anomen saw his wife animatedly talking with a woman behind a desk. Frika grabbed his hand, and started to leave him down a long, winding path, though he had to duck under the occasional tree limb.

"Harry Mason is at this branch of the firm..." Frika said, "and his two o'clock appointment canceled, so Greta said we could walk on in..."

Anomen noticed that his wife was walking rather briskly, and he asked, "And what else did she say..."

"Nothing..." she mumbled.

"You seem to be in a large hurry over nothing..." Anomen said dryly.

"She...propositioned me as well..." Frika said.

"Propositioned? But you are..." Anomen said.

"Yeah, she thought I was like Edwin...you remember that operation he had? She said he regretted having it dispelled in the first place...anyways, she said that she got off work at 5...but she could get off sooner if I wished..." Frika blushed.

Anomen laughed, but closed his mouth when Frika glared frostily in his direction, though internally he started to giggle.

If I had said "At least she didn't say, 'There's something I like about the clitoris, but I can't quite put my finger on it' Anomen chortled to himself.

Anomen snorted, and immediately wiped his nose with his sleeve, and told the furious Frika, "Dirt...got some in my nose, I think..."

They passed a couple that were stopped in the hallway, a pump set in a sink nearby. The first one was pumping water, while another one was tearing chunks of brown mud from the side of the wall, and one of them smiled at Anomen and his wife.

"Tea?" one of them asked.

Anomen shook his head, as he said, "No, we have an appointment with Harry Mason..."

The person nodded and said, "Three more doors that way...take a left, and you will be right there."

The tea-giver turned to her coworker, and said, "So, anyways, there was my client, up on stage. The hypnotist was actually quite good. He pulled out a pocketwatch, and after chanting, "Watch the watch. Watch the watch. Watch the watch.' My client fell under the hypnotist's allure. Suddenly, the watch slipped from the hypnotist's hands, fell to the floor, and broke into a million pieces. The hypnotist swore, yelled crap..."

The coworker started to titter, and said, "And your client?"

The tea-giver smiled, "Let's just say that it took three weeks to clean up the theater. This was a slam dunk case, if I ever saw one...plenty of witnesses for one..."

Anomen gave a sideways glance at Frika, and whispered, as they got out of earshot, "Is it me or does it seem that the world is insane?"

Frika laughed, and said, "Might as well ask why Haer Dalis' has an apostrophe in his name.

The trudged further, and Anomen said, "Yeah, why does Haer Dalis' have an apostrophe in his name?"

Frika giggled as she stepped into Anomen's shadow, kissing him, and groping him...down by his knee.

"Maybe he is compensating for something..." she whispered.

Anomen only broke up the kiss when he came up for air and he whispered, as he curled the back of his tongue to make sure his tonsils were still there, "We better get going, love..."

Frika pouted, and stomped a foot on the floor, "Where is the spontaneous Anomen I know and love? The one who would throw caution to the winds, and cause me to scream 'My life! My soul! The springs of pleasure are wound to such a pitch that I cannot help but succumb to ecstasy!'"

Anomen, flushed, but whispered, "After this...when I don't have so many things on my...head..."

Frika grinned, and said, "I told you not to get that pierced..."

Anomen blushed again, but this time he was smiling, when they found themselves outside of a door, with the letters "Harry Mason" stenciled across the wooden outside. The knob turned, and a crack opened, and two voices one a deep, baritone, a dreamy quality that played along Anomen's nerves, exciting him, and sending a tingle down his spine, said, "I told you that it would work, didn't I?"

The other voice laughed, "Yeah, that was pure genius. My neighbor owed me 500 gold pieces, and without proof that he did, what could I do? Then you suggested I write a letter asking him for the 1000 gold pieces he owed me. The nimrod replied stating that he only owed me 500 gold pieces."

The baritone chuckled, "And that's when we had the proof to nail the bastard..."

Anomen stepped to one side, and a large figure lumbered outside of Harry Mason's office. Anomen fell in the creature's shadow, and he felt the temperature drop as the ogre knuckled on by.

He...was owed...money? Anomen thought, To what? A frost giant?

The creature turned, and grinned at Frika, who was pushed to the other side. The ogre opened his mouth, and said, "Pardon me miss. I didn't realize there was anyone else waiting out here."

The ogre then turned and looked at Anomen, his eyes widened, and his fists clenched. He let loose with a bellow that shook the entire office, while Anomen strode forward matching the ogre scream for scream.

Frika stepped back, and a glowing nimbus enveloped her hand, when she saw Anomen and the ogre bang heads each other, slapping each other on the shoulder. Then, they turned around, and rubbed their buttocks together, faced each other once more, slamming their fists forward and shouted "Shazaam..."

Then the ogre and Anomen fell forward into each others arms, laughing. Frika's hand dropped as she asked, "What exactly is going on?"

Anomen pulled apart, and said, "Back when I was being trained, Corkie here was another recruit with us..."

Frika glanced up at the troll, and stuttered, "C...corkie?"

The ogre laughed, and said, "Of course, we all had nicknames back in the day...didn't we...Binkie..."

Frika blinked again, still struggling to grasp the situation, "B...Binkie?"

Corkie laughed, "Of course...do you remember that presentation you gave to our cultural advisor about politics?"

Anomen burned red, and said, "How could I forget? But I did get a passing grade from it..."

Corkie smirked, "He started it by telling a story of his experience...you know, the nobles are almost all alike. As a little boy, Anomen had asked his father, 'Daddy, what's politics?' Binkie stated that his dad answered, 'Well, son, let me explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom is the administrator of the money, so let's call her the Government. We're take care of your needs, so let's call you the People. Your nanny is the Working Class. And your baby sister is the Future. Now, think about all that until it makes sense.' Later that night, the boy hears his baby sister crying, so he gets up to check on her. He finds the baby has soiled her diaper. He goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peers in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He finally gives up and heads back to bed. The next morning he says, 'Daddy, I think I finally understand politics.' 'Really, son? Good! Tell me.' 'Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are ignored and the Future is in deep crap! Is that about right, Daddy?'"

Binkie...er...Anomen laughed, "That was better than that raffle contest..."

Frika blinked, "Raffle...contest?"

Anomen nodded, "Corkie and I hear had bought some raffle tickets...some charity or some such nonsense. We both won. I got a case of sauce, for some kind of noodles..."

The ogre grunted, "Spaghetti. Great ogre delicacy. Take a large club, some bread, and bash it flat..."

Anomen nodded, and continued, "Corkie meanwhile won a toilet brush. We had some leave that weekend. I managed to have a rather sumptuous meal...Corkie, meanwhile...well, I asked how his toilet brush was...and he said..."

The ogre grunted, "I think I'm going back to paper...I was still fresh out of the forest...the idea of wiping one's arse with paper was a novelty...how was I supposed to know what a toilet was? When an ogre goes in the wood..."

Suddenly the bass voice cut through their merriment, and said, "Amusing as these...anecdotes...may be...don't you have an appointment Mr. Delryn?"

Anomen looked at the door, and said, "It's been good to see you Corkie..."

The ogre grunted, "You too, Binkie. Tell you what, I'm going to be in town for a bit longer...call me up. I'm staying at the Inn of the Green Gables. The proprietress is Anna...look me up...by the by, don't mind what Harry looks like...he's a great lawyer..." and he knuckled away.

"Interesting...associate...Binkie..." Frika laughed, and sauntered in.

Anomen blushed, but grinned, "Heh...it was just a nickname...it could have been worse...there was one we called Sourpuss..."

Frika asked, "He was...depressing?"

Anomen shrugged, as he went into the office, "No...she just didn't like to wash..."

Upon entering, Anomen's eyes opened wide, for he found himself in an office that looked to posses more texts, scrolls, cave paintings, cuneiform tablets, and tattooed hides. He then heard the tramp of heavy feet. Anomen turned to his right, and saw a person who didn't even reach three feet in height...someone even Mazzy was a giant compared to. He noticed how the halfling's gold hair was long and tied into a thick braid. The man's taste of clothing continued to the bright yellow shirt he wore. Looking closer, Anomen saw it was thicker than a shirt. Continuing down, Anomen noticed the blue and red checkered pants, as well as the bright pink

"Nice sweater..." he said, where upon the halfling scowled.

"It's not a sweater...I went to a Dr. Jansen for hair plugs and now...let's just say I save a small fortune on shirts." Harry said dryly.

The halfling pointed towards two chairs that looked large enough to accommodate an ogre, so Anomen and Frika ended up seated on a large chair. The halfling walked to a large stack of papers on the ground, and pulled the top one away, and began to read it.

"Umm...hello..." Anomen said, "I'm..."

"I know who you are..." Harry replied, "Me, just call Harry. Let's get one thing straight, I don't like you, and you will certainly not like me. However, I've been appointed to defend you, and defend you I will..."

The halfling grinned, his teeth so clean that it reflected a brilliant shade of light, momentarily blinding Anomen, "But this will solidify my reputation...shame about the process server finding you in fragrante defecato..."

"In...fragrante..." Anomen stammered, "Whatchu talking about Harry?"

Harry laughed, "Man, you are an innocent. Consider, if you hadn't been caught in the act of sexual congress, we could just find a simple Transmuter...he could make your...wife...a virgin once more."

"What?" Anomen said, "what are you talking about?"

Harry shook his head, "I don't know who you pissed off, but most of these charges will be dismissed, truth be known. Others, though, are quite sticking. One of the worst is this charge of congress with a minor..."

"But I was married to her..." Anomen said, "at the time."

Harry shook his head, "Marriage is one thing, biological coupling is another."

Frika glared, "What do you mean marriage is one thing?"

Harry shrugged, "Arranged marriages happen all the time. Sometimes even before children are born...in the eyes of the law, the two are already considered spouses...but its also quite explicit on what the age of consent is. Anyways, with being caught by the process server, the Prosecution has an iron clad witness that your wife, Frika...isn't a virgin. If that hadn't happened, we could have just gone to a transmuter...and make a slight adjustment...thereby denying the prosecution with one of its prize charges...with physical proof otherwise..."

Frika sighed, "Then what can we do?"

Harry smiled, "Trust me? Well, you don't have a whole lot of choice do you. You are lower than a snake in the rut of a wagon-wheel in the Abyss. Anyways, Since option number one isn't viable, I recommend we go with option number two."

Anomen asked, "And what is this second option?" While he awaited the answer, Anomen's eyes drifted to the desk where he saw a simple placard with the motto A man who dies without a will has lawyers for his heirs embossed on it.

Harry Mason grinned, "Tell me, do you have any brothers, Anomen?"

Anomen shook his head, "No, I don't. What has that to do with anything?"

Harry dug his toe into the ground, and continued, "Good, good, then that would work. Tell me, have you ever heard of the evil twin theory?"

Frika looked the lawyer in the eye, and said, "Yes, if twins are born, one of them will be good, one will be evil."

Harry nodded, "And it's always the left twin that is evil. I'm glad to see that you, unlike your husband, is ignorant of the law."

Anomen ignored this give, and growled, "Get on with it. You heard me say that I have no brother, and I don't. What has this to do anything..."

Harry's eyes positively glowed, "It's simple. We say that the ghost of your twin brother possessed you. Criminal acts under possession can't be held liable against the possessed."

Frika nodded, "Ah, yes, I believe I've heard of this...possession being nine-tenths of the law, correct?"

Anomen looked bewildered, "Ghost...of my twin? I told you I didn't have one..."

Harry laughed, "That's what you think. See, all we have to do is tell the court that when your...antecedents...engaged in the procreative act, your older brother, the one that would have been before you. Well, his life was cut short before conception..."

Frika's eyes widened, as she made a back and forth motion before her mouth, and said, "That is a hard...act...to swallow..."

Harry grinned, "Exactly..."

Anomen rose from his seat, and slammed both hands on the desk, and yelled, "No!"

Harry glanced up, "No?"

Anomen bellowed, "No. I have been insulted, attacked, mocked, bewildered, poked, prodded, disbelieved, embarrassed, almost emasculated, and suffered all other kinds of indignities on my personage, but with all that happened I have kept true to my vows, and I am not going to allow such a travesty to occur."

Harry looked at Anomen, and then rolled his eyes heavenward, "Oh great, you are one of those, aren't you?"

Anomen restrained the urge from grabbing his lawyer by the throat, but stammered, "You...you would lie in a court of law?"

Harry shrugged, "What did you expect? I'm a lawyer. You seem to have a highly inflated opinion of the justice system Mr. Delryn. I swear you...virgins...make it harder for the rest of us. The judicial process is like a cow. The public is impaled on its horns, the government has it by the tail, and all the while the lawyers are milking it. The only justice you have is what you secure for yourself."

Anomen shrugged, "If that is the only way for me to win, then I would rather lose. I will not compromise myself, no matter how badly things may look."

Harry laughed, "Oh very well, then I will go with option three...now listen close..."

Frika and Anomen leaned in close as the lawyer whispered his strategy, and after about five minutes of dialogue, the two pulled back, smiles on their face.

"Are you sure this will work?" Anomen asked.

Harry grinned, "Oh, yes, the clauses have been laid down for millennia. One of the hallmark cases was The Emerald City versus Dorothy Gale..."

Anomen smiled which quickly turned to a frown, "Okay that will take care of that charge then, but do you know anything about this wrongful death lawsuit brought about by the giants? I swear, I didn't know there was..."

Harry just grinned, "Trust me, Annie baby, I have it well in hand..."

Anomen swallowed, "Alright, but you remember..."

Harry nodded, "I know, I know...no lies. So, unless there is anything else, I will see you in court tomorrow."

Anomen looked shocked, "Tomorrow? That is a quick turnaround..."

Harry shrugged, "There is a law on the books about a speedy trial. Fun fact, though...it came about because too many wizards, when in need of a blood sacrifice, would look at the jails first thing. Let's just say that every Tom, Dick and Larry didn't like the thought that they might end up in jail one night due to jay-walking, and the next night lying spread-eagled across some alter to Yoko-Onoth."

"Yoko-Onoth?" Anomen asked, "I don't believe I've heard of her..."

Harry smiled, "Might be a regional goddess, but she is known as the Ear-Render...her sharp harridan tones could flay the flesh from a man in seconds."

Anomen shivered, then rose, as he shook the lawyer's hand, "Well, then, thank you for your time...I will see you later tomorrow."

Anomen glanced over at his wife as they left, and saw she was trying to hold back a stream of laughter. The cleric of Helm arched an eyebrow, as he asked, "What, pray tell, is so amusing?"

Frika smirked and said, "I think I figured out why lawyers don't wear turtlenecks..."

Anomen pondered, and asked, "Why is that?"

Frika smiled, "Because they're just uncircumcised..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Anomen, calm down..." Frika said, resplendent in a gauzy green and amber ensemble, though the pink of her flesh could be seen each through her costume time she shifted position. She sat with Anomen at a desk in a large, empty space that looked like nothing more than the inside of a tree. There was another desk nearby, where a placid looking fellow with a bad hair piece. His gray eyes seemed tired, though his face carried the lines of experience. It almost looked like a rabid muskrat on his head as he continued to dig through his briefcase...then Anomen would have swore that the scrap of hair hissed in his direction when he looked too long at it.

"And just how am I supposed to calm down when you are wearing that?" Anomen growled, "I swear...I'm going to get a splinter at this rate...and its going to be all your fault."

Frika stared at her husband, "What do you mean a splinter?"

Anomen blushed, "Your outfit, remember?"

Frika grimaced, "And how is that my fault?"

Anomen looked down, and he whispered, "Knock on wood..." raised his hands high and gyrated his hips heavenward, and there was an audible thump that came from beneath Anomen's chair.

Frika tittered, "Ah, poor baby...hmm...I know what will calm you down..."

Anomen grabbed the bottom of his chair, and thumped a few inches away from Frika, and he glanced at the other man, "Frika...this a public place."

Frika's eyes danced, when she said, "That's not what you thought in the fountain before the temple of Helm. You bet that the old Helmite would have had a heart attack..."

Anomen sighed, "Who would have thought he would have asked to cut in..."

Frika patted her husband's cheek, "Is it my fault he liked your baby-good looks?"

Anomen's cheeks flushed, and he decided to turn the conversation around, "So, what did you have in mind to calm me down then?"

Frika's eyes danced mirthfully, and she said, "Tell me, do you know the difference between a rooster and a lawyer..."

Anomen paused and said, "A rooster and a lawyer...I don't know..."

Suddenly there was a harrumph coming from the other desk, and the hair piece lawyer said, "My, you are a bright one, aren't...about as bright as a bag of rocks...the answer is simple. The rooster clucks defiance, while the lawyer fuc...."

Anomen started to cough, and after his wife pounded his back he asked, "I'm sorry sir, my wife...she didn't..."

The other man sniffed, and he said, "Oh please. If one can't laugh at oneself, then one might as well join the Order of the Most Radiant Heart..."

Anomen's eyes widened, and said, "Sir, there is no reason to be rude..."

The lawyer laughed, "I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant."

The other man turned, and said, "Now, you young lady...you have potential...have you heard this one: How can you tell when a lawyer is well hung?"

Frika thought for a moment, and then chirped, "Why, When you can't get your finger between the noose and his neck. What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck?"

The other man started to answer when Harry's voice boomed through the courtroom, "Occasionally a duck will stick its bill up its ass..."

Anomen turned, and breathed a sigh of relief, "I'm glad to see you. I didn't think you would make it."

Harry grinned, "What, and miss my big day in court?"

Anomen shook his head, and then asked, "Where are the witnesses? Where is the crowd? In Amn, one can't take a step without tripping over someone watching another's misfortune."

Harry answered, "We found that justice was compromised the moment the media, let alone the public was allowed. Witnesses will be gated in, and out, that way they won't be biased by anything else we here, isn't that right Jordi?"

The sallow fellow raised his head again, "Absolutely correct Harry. After that Simpson fiasco...if the gauntlet doesn't fit, you must acquit..."

Harry shrugged, "You do what you can..."

"So, when does the judge get here?" Anomen grumped.

"About...now..." Harry said, as he looked at the hairs on his arm standing up, then suddenly there was a blur before Anomen's eyes, and the colors seemed to run before his eyes. When he regained his sight, he saw a tall, cadaverous man with close cropped hair, a green tinge to his face, and a rope tied around his neck. Anomen looked to stare into the man's eyes, only to see that the man's pupils were coated by a thick, coated, viscous fluid.

"I see...justice is blind..." Frika murmured.

"That's not what concerns me...its that damn rope...what kind of judge is he?" Anomen whispered.

"The best kind..." uttered the lawyer from the other side of the room, "The hanging kind."

Harry and Jordi approached the bench, and Harry started off, "Good afternoon Viktor. How's the family? And the wife?"

Viktor opened his mouth to speak, and in a deep bass, said, "They're doing well, Harry. So, gentlemen, can we get on with this..."

Harry nodded, as did Jordi, and they the returned to their respective desks.

"Where's your briefcase?" Anomen whispered to his lawyer.

Harry grinned, and opened his pants, "I don't need briefs...I use boxers..."

By Helm, I'm going to rot, aren't I? Anomen thought.

Viktor rapped a gavel on the desk, and pointed toward Frika, "Is this the defendant."

Frika shook her head, and said, "If need be, I will defend myself your honor."

Harry growled, "I will defend her honor your honor..."

Viktor huffed, "Well, on her or off her, make up your mind already."

Jordi leered, "Well, definitely on her if I had my choice."

Anomen slammed his fists down onto the table, and said, "I'm the one who is the defendant. Can't we get on with this..."

Viktor glanced at Anomen, and growled, "Cease and desist, or else I will slap you with a gag order."

Anomen sat back down, and asked Harry, "What is up with the judge?"

Harry smiled, "He's an old family friend..."

Anomen's scrunched face showed his surprise, and Harry continued, "There are two kinds of lawyers. Those who know the law...and those who know the judge."

Anomen shook his head, when he suddenly heard Viktor called to Frika.

"Have you or your husband ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?" the judge asked.

Frika simply answered as she proceeded to buff her nails, "We both do."

"Voodoo?" replied Viktor.

"We do" stated Frika.

"You do?" queried Viktor.

"Yes, voodoo..." said Frika.

"Okay, what is that all about?" Anomen said.

Harry cocked his head, and said, "That? He's just figuring out what strength of shielding to surround the room."

"Shielding?" asked Anomen.

Harry nodded, "Prevents spellcasters from leaving...as soon as its hit, they tended to be torn into itty-bitty pieces...to recover the costs of the spell, we then sell the chunks to the goblins."

Anomen sighed, knowing that he was already here for the duration when he saw Harry stand.

"Viktor, Jordi, if it pleases the court, before we get underway, I would like to have the charge of underage intercourse dropped on my client." Harry said.

Jordi looked baffled, and Viktor leaned forward, "And why should we do that?"

Harry smiled, "You see, that physically, Miss Frika Delryn here...was long beyond the age of consent when she wed her husband."

Viktor looked interested, "And how can you ascertain that?"

Harry pulled into his pants, and pulled out a sheaf of papers from his briefs and handed a set to Jordi and Viktor.

"Primus...do you remember an incident that came to be called the Massacre of Stalag 13?" Harry asked.

Viktor nodded, "Yes, that is where that cambion was slain when a bunch of slaves rose up and overthrew their lawful owner."

Harry grinned, "Indeed, and what you have there is sworn affidavits of Frika and Anomen's presence there."

Indeed...we saved the hide of that miserable tiefling...and what does he do? Anomen thought.

Viktor interrupted Anomen's train of thought, "Very well, they were there. What, if anything does this have to do with the pair in question."

Harry smiled, "Very simple...as established by The Emerald City versus Dorothy Gale, or the State of Arcadia versus Wayland Smith, the passage of time is different on other planes than this, the prime material, and that...visitors...shall age according to such differences. It so happens that due to the time they were in Stalag 13...barely a day by our reckoning...they aged an entire week...which, when the wedding came about...meant that Frika was of legal age...by a week."

Viktor looked at the papers, and he glanced at Jordi, "Everything seems to be in order...unless you wish to object?"

Jordi growled, "No, everything seems to be in order..."

Viktor raised his gavel high, and with a stroke of thunder, said, "The charge of sexual congress with a minor for Anomen Delryn is hereby dismissed..."

Anomen eyed Harry with actual respect, Damn it...the gaudy little git actually pulled it off....

Harry moved back to the desk, a large grin on his face, and Anomen growled, ?How did you know about that episode??

Harry laughed, ?What wasn?t to know? I just had to backtrack on the tales of your deeds, and run some discreet questions. I?m just glad that I didn?t have to summon some of those jailors in?you realize you left a few alive, right? And that was the testimony that was submitted?obviously, they would be considered a hostile witness??

?How did you follow our trail?? Anomen asked, puzzled.

Harry gave a grimace, and he said, ?Please, a person can?t walk down the street without hearing about your exploits?especially after your wife?? and Harry pointed at Frika, ?Told everything in her tell-all book?you know, the one with the full page layout??

Anomen sighed, ?Tell me about it?it seems like every mealy-mouthed, pimple ridden sot has run his hands on my wife?s image??

Harry paused, ?You do realize that magazine has become quite a collector?s item though??

Anomen nodded, ?Yeah, we have a friend?Kelsey by name?who kept a few issues back?said he was saving them up for his retirement.?

Harry paused, ?Hmm?remember how I said I was working on this case pro-boner?for free?well, I do have something you can do for me?or rather your wife.?

Anomen paused, and said, ?Maybe, depends on what it is??

Harry smiled, ?After the trial, maybe have your wife?if she is amenable, sign my own copy of the magazine. Do you know how much an autographed spread would be worth??

Anomen shook his head, ?You are one odd individual, Harry you know that, right??

A loud thunderclap enveloped the courtroom, surprising Anomen and he jumped and swung around. He saw that Viktor was getting irritated, and he stated, ?Can we get on with this? We don?t have all day. Is there something else we can do to expedite proceedings??

Harry glanced at Anomen, and said, ?Your honor?there is one other matter I would submit for your dismissal. It is this case of wrongful death.?

Jordi glanced at Harry, and said, ?What is your scheme now??

Harry smugly smiled, ?Leave this to me??

Anomen sighed, and made his way back to the table, and as he sat, he felt his wife?s hand inch along his arm, and she breathed into his ear.

?Don?t you find all of this?exciting?? she whispered.

Anomen gulped, and said, ?Well, not really?I just want this to be over with??

Frika snickered, ?It could be worse??

Anomen gazed back, ?What do you mean??

Frika answered, ?Imagine, if you will, if Harry had told you the last good case he had was of Baalor?s Finest Mead?or he recommended you get your head shaved for prison?or, if there was a jury, he picked them out with ?duck-duck-goose???

Anomen stared into Frika?s blue eyes, and he said, ?You know, love, sometimes you really frighten me?but you are right, it could have been much worse.?

Anomen turned his gaze back to the proceedings, and listened intently.

?Your honor, I?m sure that you and my esteemed colleague will agree that most of the charges that my client has undergone are rather bogus. Take this charge of Wrongful Death. True, he is guilty of slaying an ambassador of the Hill-gnasher giants, but it was a time of war. He was only following orders?if his command failed to tell him that a diplomat was coming in, then he wasn?t guilty of breaching the piece.?

Jordi turned around and glanced at Anomen, ?Is this true? You had no foreknowledge of events leading up to that??

Anomen nodded, ?As far as I know, he and his guide were just more troops.?

Jordi pondered, and glanced at Harry, ?If your client is willing to undergo a truth spell, then we can ascertain the heart of this matter.?

Harry shook his head, ?No, my client must do no such thing, for he is guaranteed the right to??

Anomen interrupted, ?If it gets me out of here faster, then yes, I will undergo the spell.?

Harry sighed, and said, ?Let it be noted Viktor, that my client did this of his own free will, and against my recommendations.?

?So noted?? Viktor said.

?So, what do I have to do?? Anomen asked.

Jordi grunted, ?Relax for the first thing?then look into my eyes. You are getting sleepy?you are feeling relaxed. All the cares and worries??

Frika whispered into Harry?s ear, ?He?s hypnotizing my husband, isn?t he??

Harry nodded, ?Not quite. He is lulling him into a complacent frame of mind yes?this technique was first perfected by the great Ben S?tein, but it also serves as a carrier to enact the spell and bypass any protections the recipient might have?

Jordi continued?You will answer my questions truthfully, without hesitation or regret. Do you remember the incident in question? Are you guilty of the slayings?if so, can you elaborate what is happening??

Anomen muffled, ?Yes?we are working our way up the hill when two large shadows loomed over us.?

Jordi asked, ?Two shadows. Could you see the source of the shadows from where you were standing??

Anomen nodded, ?I could see their heads.?

Jordi asked, ?And where were their heads??

?Just above their shoulders?? said Anomen quietly.

Frika couldn?t help, but giggle, but she quickly silenced herself when Jordi turned his gaze onto her.

Harry whispered, ?This is why I hate the truth spell?sometimes the witnesses are too literal.?

Anomen stated, ?They see us, and they are gesticulating and suddenly come rushing down the hill, excitement on their face. They are waving their arms, and smiling.?

?Since when does Anomen know the word gesticulate?? Frika muttered.

?Ask him what he thought they were doing?? Harry told Jordi.

Jordi nodded, ?What did you think they were doing??

Anomen sighed, ?Attacking us, of course. That?s what the giants were doing?why the day before yesterday, Lester disappeared when he went to take a leak?we later found him?turned out the giants had ground his leg bones down for toothpicks, so we attacked first, and asked questions later.?

Jordi grunted at this testimony, ?So, what you are saying is that they didn?t say anything to you? That they offered you indignities??

?No, they offered nothing but violence?didn?t even keep the furniture?? Anomen said.

Jordi shook his head, and pressed on, ?Yet, won?t you agree you are not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were hit in the fracas??

Anomen said, ?No, sir, I was hurt midway between the fracas and the naval.?

Harry slammed both hands onto the desk, and he said, ?Your honor?my own clients testimony shows that he is innocent of wrongful death. If anyone is to blame, it is his superiors for not keeping in contact with him?I must ask you to rescind the wrongful death order??

Viktor turned to Jordi, ?I must concur with your colleague, counselor. In fact, if this is the best you can do, I am inclined to dismiss all charges?unless you have anything more pertinent to add??

Jordi sighed, and he seemed to gain ten more years, and added, asked, ?Do you know anything about this Unlawful Pastry Modification charge, Sir Anomen??

A blush crept up the resting cleric?s face, and he said, ?Yes, sir, I do.?

Jordi continued, ?Tell me, are you guilty of adding your own glaze to the doughnut??

Anomen tilted his head, ?Yes, sir, I am??

Jordi paused, ?Tell me, are you sexually active??

?No, sometimes I just lie there?? Anomen answerd.

Jordi?s eyes rolled heavenward, ?What was the meaning of the sperm being present, Sir Anomen.?

Anomen replied, ?It indicated intercourse??

Jordi grinned, ?Male sperm??

Anomen stated, ?That is the only kind I know??

?Objection?? Harry said, ?Your honor?my colleague is now leading my client on...he has stated his guilt for this crime??

Viktor nodded, and rapped his gavel, and said, ?That is enough Jordi. Is there anything more you wish to add??

Jordi sighed, ?No your honor. I may be able to get those other charges to stick?as sticky as that doughnut?but I don?t know that it would be any good to continue, since they are minor ones at best.?

?Then bring your client out of his state?? Viktor said kindly.

Jordi nodded, and snapped his fingers, and Anomen?s restful face suddenly turned rueful, as Viktor said, ?Sir Anomen Delryn?on the charge of wrongful death, you are cleared. On the charge of sexual congress with a minor, you are cleared. On the charge of Unauthorized Pastry Modification, you have been found guilty?your sentence, to be carried out as soon as possible is this??

Anomen withered inside, as he thought *Damn, that was quick?knowing the way my luck has gone, I will probably get life imprisonment or some such nonsense??

?Your sentence is for you to write a formal apology to the baker, and on a chalkboard, write ten-thousand times, ?I will not alter any further?condiments to pastry products??

The judge swung his gavel, ?So mote it be.?

Haer Dalis' stirred in the bed, the fragrant incense driving the stench of smoke from his flared nostrils.

"Give me to the weasels, my compatriots," he said quietly to himself, "How droll. Let's play 'Pop Goes the Weasel Shall We' shall we?"

Haer Dalis' hand dropped to his thigh, running his fingers along the slowly fading scars, glad that his demonic parentage was stronger than that of his mortal bloodline, enabling him to regenerate from the worst ravages of those furry devils in his pants.

"The fire will cover the bodies of my erstwhile allies..." Haer Dalis' muttered to himself, "And of course, they shall find the brilliant, handsome but badly burned corpse of Haer Dalis' among the throng, allowing me to return to Sigil, arising from obscurity with my great deeds, like a phoenix from the ashes, and take, once more, a commanding presence on the stage."

"Thus ends the song of the Dischordant Harp..." sniffed Haer Dalis'. He glanced at his trouser, and growled at seeing the hole in the crotch.

That lady of the night was more vigorous than I would have liked... he thought, Who would have thought she would file her teeth? Though the things she could do with her tongue...

Haer Dalis' then pulled on his silver shirt, and grimaced when he saw his nipple sticking out through a hole on the left side. It didn't help that it was all puckered, as if a lamprey had been joined at his teat.

Yes, she really sucked... he thought bemusedly, Well, I can always get more...especially after my haul from last night's take...

Haer Dalis moved to put on his right boot, but as soon as his foot hit the bottom, he felt a squishy substance surround his entire appendage.

"By the Fates..." he swore, as a malodorous stench crept into his nostrils. He tried to plug his nose with his other hand, when he noticed the flies buzzing above his left boot.

"Oh...shit..." he simply said, gingerly working his right foot out of the boot, seeing his pure white sock now stained a rich, thick, brown.

"Well, management is going to hear about this..." Haer Dalis' growled, and he moved to open his door, when his world suddenly went red, and then black when he felt a blow on the back of his head.

Haer Dalis' groggily woke a few minutes later, another aroma filling his nostrils over that of the crap in his boot.
What the hell...it smells like...blood...and barbeque sauce? he thought warily, rising from the ground. Haer Dalis' eyes darted to a bucket with a dent in its side from where it fell from an overhanging piece of wood, and hit him on the head, spilling its contents all over him.

Suddenly Haer Dalis' became aware of a deep growl from behind him. He slowly turned, only to see a large gathering of dogs, none larger than a French Poodle, hungrily staring at him.

"Now, faithful hounds..." Haer Dalis' said, sticking out his hand in a gesture to stop, "Behave..."

From out of nowhere, a pink tie-dyed chihuahua jumped from the middle of the pack, and grabbed onto Haer Dalis' hand, its fangs biting deep, drawing blood.

"Let go...damn it let go..." he screamed, when the rest of the growls alerted Haer Dalis' that he had some other, greater concerns on his mind at that moment.

Haer Dalis' started to run down the corridor from his room, feeling as if the very hounds of Hell were nipping at his heels.

"Good doggies...good doggies..." he feebly screamed, running full tilt to escape the rampaging pack, the dog on his hand making his appendage look like so much raw meat.

Haer Dalis' saw a split in the hallway, and he made a dash for the right, then quickly turned on his heels and dashed left, smiling as he heard the dogs crash into one another at his maneuver.

The manager is so going to get a piece of my mind... he thought furiously as he finally managed to shake the chihuahua from his hand, but not before finding the dog lost one fang deeply in his hand.

Haer Dalis continued to swear, when he felt himself moving forward, his momentum thrusting him forward. The tiefling started to windmill his arms, only now noticing the small triangular placard on the ground, with a message: WARNING: FRESH WAX.

Haer Dalis' actions weren't enough to save him, though, as he approached a window...and then felt searing pain fill his body as shards of glass lacerated his entire extremities.

"My face..." Haer Dalis' screamed, "My beautiful face..."

Haer Dalis' pain filled cries ceased when he hit the ground. Time passed in blissful darkness when he felt a cold splash on his face, waking himself up.

The tiefling tried to move, but as he did so, he felt several tight ropes binding his legs and he could move, in a fashion, but as he did so, he felt a severe pain in his groin, as if something had caught hold of his testicles, and with movement, another sharp jolt filtered through his body.

Haer Dalis' searched the room, but all he saw was darkness. Another few minutes passed when he had to tilt his head at a flare of light. Once his eyes adjusted, he blinked, and saw a tall, bearded figure, resplendent in the Armor of the Order of the Radiant Heart holding a single match in his gloved hand.

"Good evening, Haer Dalis'" Anomen said, "I'm sorry for the state of the accommodations, but even now, I find that I have a hard time renting a room."

"What...what are you doing here?" Haer Dalis' said, wincing as he realized that at least two of his ribs were broken from his fall out of the window.

Anomen moved to the corner of the table, and lowered his flame, and a soft light slowly filled the room. Haer Dalis' looked around, only to see that he was tied up in some kind of barn, bales of hay and straw surrounding him, his limbs stretched tight to various beams. Looking down, he saw what looked like a modified bear trap enclosed around his groin, his soft nether regions held tight.

"You know the law, Haer Dalis', an eye for an eye...a tooth for a tooth..." Anomen continued, "But truly...how could that be justice. So, you received just a little what I did...after all, how could I faithfully measure what happened to my name, my reputation...my honor...and how could I punish you? What if it was too...excessive?"

Anomen grinned, "But I am a merciful man, Haer Dalis'."

Haer Dalis' wilted under Anomen's cool gaze, but Anomen chuckled, "No, don't worry, I will not force you through everything I endured. In fact, your final punishment is at hand."

Anomen breathed deeply, and he said, "You can leave anytime you wish. The only cost? Your...manhood...but just think, I'm letting you decide. Your manhood, or your life..."

Haer Dalis' gulped, "What do you mean, my life?"

Anomen smiled, "Oh silly me. Did I forget to mention that?"

Anomen lifted the burning lamp, and with a swift motion, tossed it onto the ground. The floorboards, and loose straw and hay swiftly caught fire.

"Next time...don't be such a stranger, Haer Dalis'" Anomen replied.