62 replies to this topic

[Beyshaliban]

For some reason, I thought this was a finished story. So I printed it out and...ARGH!!! Where is the rest?

I find it very refreshing that in a story that features both, Anomen and Kelsey, Anomen is not doomed to be solely the sandbag for Kelsey's witticism.

I would be one of those people who like and admire Jaheira, by the way.

Do continue this, please? You cannot leave us now, with Irenicus catching up, Jaheira dead, and freedom almost at grasp, can you?

Bey

[Shadowhawke]

Yes, Jolyth... I must agree with Bey! You're not going to leave us hanging, are you?!?!?

[Jolyth]

Thank you both so much! I am really happy that you are enjoying it!

No, I am not going to leave you hanging. I intend to write more today, but I must first get out another Love Talk for the Branwen NPC Romance while it is rattling around in my head.

Rest assured that I will not leave this undone for long and I will get another interesting segment up this week!

Now the question is...Where do I end this? Seems the characters have a lot to say lately!

[Shadowhawke]

The plot and intrigue thickens... you're glad I'm enjoying it, Jolyth?! I'm loving it! The never-endless tangled web spins ever on... not that that makes much sense, but oh well. B)
Keep it up, Jolyth! It's great to see a new installment!

[Thrain]

*claps*

a magnificent discovery on my return to the boards

jolyth, i'm really enjoying this. i haven't played Valen myself, but i love the way Irenicus and Valen are twisting Yoshimo because of the geas and his feelings respectively. whether Valen persuaded Yoshimo out of good intentions or her own feelings (although the latest installment does seem to answer that) interests me greatly.

i wonder whether you're going to stick to canon and have Yoshi killed off somehow.........

keep it up, great story.

[Jolyth]

The plot and intrigue thickens... you're glad I'm enjoying it, Jolyth?! I'm loving it! The never-endless tangled web spins ever on... not that that makes much sense, but oh well.  Keep it up, Jolyth! It's great to see a new installment! 

Thanks so much! As for the plot thickening, tell me about it! Sometimes it's a bit difficult to keep track of myself, but it seems to be working. *sigh* I don't know what I'm going to do when this is done! Maybe... or :drunk:

*claps*
a magnificent discovery on my return to the boards
jolyth, i'm really enjoying this. i haven't played Valen myself, but i love the way Irenicus and Valen are twisting Yoshimo because of the geas and his feelings respectively. whether Valen persuaded Yoshimo out of good intentions or her own feelings (although the latest installment does seem to answer that) interests me greatly.

Actually, I haven't played Valen either! Just something told me she was an intricate part of the story. I would like to say that I have a grasp on her character, but I'm not so sure. This is how she seems to me though.

i wonder whether you're going to stick to canon and have Yoshi killed off somehow.........

*Assumes politician stance* I can neither confirm nor deny the truth of Yoshimo's death but I can tell you that we will do everything in our power to get to the end of this! *End politician stance*

keep it up, great story.

Thank you so much. I will try!

[Erephine]

Wow. Just wow. This must've been the best read I had in weeks (and that means something)

Absolutely excellent work, can't wait to read more of it

[Bookwyrme]

I finally got to read all of this.

Interesting & very tangled indeed.

And the next installment will be up . . . ? Soon?

[Erephine]

I definately hope so

I can barely wait.

[Erephine]

New chapter is absolutely marvellous. I love it :thumb:

[Jolyth]

Thank you very much! Glad you enjoyed it! Hope you are ready for another one as I should have it out this afternoon! :thumb:

[Erephine]

You are making me very happy

[Jolyth]

You are making me very happy

Happy to oblige! Read away!

[Erephine]

Typo: Sprit Troll
Grammar: The vampire shot the cleric shared a look before nodding her agreement

Else than that - awesome read as always :thumb:

[Jolyth]

Typo: Sprit Troll
Grammar: The vampire shot the cleric shared a look before nodding her agreement

Else than that - awesome read as always :thumb:

Thank ya kindly. I look at it so much that I miss some things.

[Thrain]

i would say you should go on holiday more often, but then youd keep us waiting more so long live inspiration!

loved the latest chapters jol, almost trembling with anticipation

[Shadowhawke]

Ah... Jolyth... a masterpiece in itself as always, the latest chapter!! (Yeah, I think the grammar of that compliment's wrong as well. *shrug*) Are you going to leave us hanging again?!?!? Cruel, cruel, cruel...

[Jolyth]

i would say you should go on holiday more often, but then youd keep us waiting more so long live inspiration!

I'm up for another cruise! :drunk: Wanna go?

Ah... Jolyth... a masterpiece in itself as always, the latest chapter!! (Yeah, I think the grammar of that compliment's wrong as well. *shrug*) Are you going to leave us hanging again?!?!? Cruel, cruel, cruel...

*Blush* Thank you very much! @Hanging: I'm working on it! I'm still reeling from writing two segments in such a short time frame! Let me see, Branwen, School, FF. Yes, I believe that will be the order of business today!

See ya soon!

[psiclops]

I've already PM'd this to Jolyth, and she said I was welcome to post this kind of feedback here. It might be useful for other writers to read this kind of feedback, and if I get the guts to post something, it's the kind I would want. So here's the message minus some PM specific stuff...


I've started reading "The Tangled Web" and I'm really enjoying it, so I hope to get all the way through. Your writing is very good. A real pleasure to read; very engaging and realistic so far.

I notice that the feedback on your story has all been of the 'congratulations' type, and you hadn't had any 'editing type stuff', so can I ask if you want this sort of reader feedback? I'm guessing you do as a writer, if only to read some writing haha!

I just want to point out the only things that jumped out at me during an otherwise flawless flow in my opinion.

You have a beautiful turn of phrase.

(I won't use actual quote boxes because then it's too hard to compare).


Shaking her head in response, Valen moved toward her mistress with the confidence of one who has been long in her employer?s service. Holding out the tray, she offered Bodhi a drink. The vampire accepted and after taking a long sip of the steaming liquid, she glanced over at Valen.

"Quite tasty, my pet. Who is it?"


- IMO the stuff in red needs changing, but the last two sentences can get a bit more punchy too. 'In response' is redundant, but also boring. Regarding 'her' - it's better to appeal to a gender neutral audience for images of a confident stride. "The vampire accepted..." seemed a bit stressed to me in the original, and can be read as Valen glancing at herself. I'll show you what I mean:


Shaking her head, Valen moved toward her mistress with the confidence of one who has been long in their employer?s service. Holding out the tray, she offered the vampire a drink. After taking a long sip of the steaming liquid, Bodhi glanced back at Valen.

"Quite tasty, my pet. Who is it?"


One more example:


"I certainly hope you weren?t stupid enough to drain him completely. I may still have need of him."

Ignoring the scathing remark, Valen placed Jon?s glass on the desk.


I don't think this is scathing. I dunno - seems too harsh a word, better to save it for an insult that isn't qualified with hope I think. It also implies Valen would 'give a ****' so to speak. I think it's best to pass over her reaction. Water off a duck's back could read like this:


"I certainly hope you weren?t stupid enough to drain him completely. I may still have need of him."

Ignoring the needless remark, Valen placed Jon?s glass on the desk.


Good luck if it's not finished and keep up the writing. You keep in character very, very well.

<EDIT> Valen is glancing at herself if she already has a drink, or at a big stretch, drinks out of Bodhi's glass! (Hahaha, yeah right! And I know she's not likely to have her own drink while serving Bodhi so no stating the obvious please). <EDIT>

Edited by psiclops, 30 August 2004 - 05:52 AM.

[Jolyth]

Excellent points psiclops and I thank you very much for submitting them! If you see anything else, plese do not hesitate to speak up. I like my writing as close to perfect as possible and I can't do that without help! :thumb:

Cheers!