Well couldn't be easier folks. Just comment hear if you want too.
Comments on Rebirth
Started by Trinin, Feb 27 2004 01:35 AM
6 replies to this topic
#1
Trinin
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- Member
- 1021 posts
Shinigami
Posted 27 February 2004 - 01:35 AM
My mother asked me why I always wear black. I told her because it's the color of my soul~Trinin
Some say good always wins others say evil does. But the truth is I always win~Trinin
Some say fighting is wrong, I say you only say that because you all ways lost.~Trinin
Some say good always wins others say evil does. But the truth is I always win~Trinin
Some say fighting is wrong, I say you only say that because you all ways lost.~Trinin
#2
-Ashara-
-Ashara-
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- Guest
Posted 27 February 2004 - 06:43 AM
It's difficult to predict how the story had turned out, but it seems to me that many things had happened between the Prologue and the Chapter 1, which justify the name of the story 
I am assuming that it is grimer than Drizzt's tale, which is good and more realistic. 
I am assuming that it is grimer than Drizzt's tale, which is good and more realistic.
#3
Pixel Kaiser
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- Member
- 1425 posts
Formerly Tameon the Dragoon
Posted 27 February 2004 - 06:54 AM
Oh! A Sola fanfic by Trin, suprise suprise! That was pretty good, Trin. A few gramatical errors, but that's to be expectedof you
. However I think I know where this is going...
#4
Trinin
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- 1021 posts
Shinigami
Posted 27 February 2004 - 08:00 AM
*Clamps hand ove Tam's mouth*
Don't you dare ninja-goon. And yeah I know I have a few errors. That's why they invented the edit button. And don't fret D there is going to be happines to. In the name of a rambunctious little thief but..... I don't wanna spoil know do I. But knowing a little rain must fall in each life.
Don't you dare ninja-goon. And yeah I know I have a few errors. That's why they invented the edit button. And don't fret D there is going to be happines to. In the name of a rambunctious little thief but..... I don't wanna spoil know do I. But knowing a little rain must fall in each life.
My mother asked me why I always wear black. I told her because it's the color of my soul~Trinin
Some say good always wins others say evil does. But the truth is I always win~Trinin
Some say fighting is wrong, I say you only say that because you all ways lost.~Trinin
Some say good always wins others say evil does. But the truth is I always win~Trinin
Some say fighting is wrong, I say you only say that because you all ways lost.~Trinin
#5
Pixel Kaiser
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- Member
- 1425 posts
Formerly Tameon the Dragoon
Posted 27 February 2004 - 10:51 AM
*bites Trinin's hand and runs off* Perra Tuk Nanamooie!
#6
-Ashara-
-Ashara-
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- Guest
Posted 01 March 2004 - 04:56 PM
Why me was going thru my head over and over again. That and when I get my hands on the ass that was responsible for this?
I think it can be a bit easier to read if you use quotes to separate the thoughts from the text, something like: "Why me?" I asked myself over and over again etc... It also can be a nice touch to identify the drug as say "black lotus"?
So why in the hells did Bartomey send me on a mission that fools as weak as this could handle on their own?
Good point
Shit! This is just what I need! This guy has high quality gear so he?s no amateur. My three ?companions? looked to me sensing that this guy was trouble. Sheesh! Even the three stooges know this guy is upper class.
you might be over-using "guy" here, perhaps substituting with a more descriptive term?
It?s so pretty. The way it moves and the color of it. It?s all so pretty. I wonder how it tastes? I raised my arm to my mouth and was about to drink my own blood when It dawned on me what I was doing. I gasped and dropped the dagger. ?What is happening to me?? I sobbed out. I curled into a ball and cried. Not caring anymore if anyone heard him. He didn?t want to act tuff or grown up. He just wanted to be held tight and loved. He continued to sob totally unaware that someone had opened the door and had been watching him.
That's a very quick switch from the first person to the third person - it works well, because it corresponds with someone starting to watch the character. However, it will be a bit easier to read through if it was separated by a paragraph.
Nice, strong emotions and a rather grim scene. Perhaps, a small tie over where he bandages the cuts and nurses his wonded arm before curling up in a ball can give the sequence a bit of a softer slow down?
I think it can be a bit easier to read if you use quotes to separate the thoughts from the text, something like: "Why me?" I asked myself over and over again etc... It also can be a nice touch to identify the drug as say "black lotus"?
So why in the hells did Bartomey send me on a mission that fools as weak as this could handle on their own?
Good point
Shit! This is just what I need! This guy has high quality gear so he?s no amateur. My three ?companions? looked to me sensing that this guy was trouble. Sheesh! Even the three stooges know this guy is upper class.
you might be over-using "guy" here, perhaps substituting with a more descriptive term?
It?s so pretty. The way it moves and the color of it. It?s all so pretty. I wonder how it tastes? I raised my arm to my mouth and was about to drink my own blood when It dawned on me what I was doing. I gasped and dropped the dagger. ?What is happening to me?? I sobbed out. I curled into a ball and cried. Not caring anymore if anyone heard him. He didn?t want to act tuff or grown up. He just wanted to be held tight and loved. He continued to sob totally unaware that someone had opened the door and had been watching him.
That's a very quick switch from the first person to the third person - it works well, because it corresponds with someone starting to watch the character. However, it will be a bit easier to read through if it was separated by a paragraph.
Nice, strong emotions and a rather grim scene. Perhaps, a small tie over where he bandages the cuts and nurses his wonded arm before curling up in a ball can give the sequence a bit of a softer slow down?
#7
jester
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- Member
- 1476 posts
biased bystander
Posted 03 March 2004 - 08:09 PM
good story Trin
Everything I wanted to say, domi has already said it above.
It sounded a bit like borderline syndrome to me though
The only expression I found out-of-place was "being on drugs". Either be more specific about the kind of drug or use another word for it. That is just my one cent, because I spent the other in the pub.
Everything I wanted to say, domi has already said it above.
It sounded a bit like borderline syndrome to me though
The only expression I found out-of-place was "being on drugs". Either be more specific about the kind of drug or use another word for it. That is just my one cent, because I spent the other in the pub.
"It's 106 miles to Arroyo, we got a full fusion cell, half a pack of RadAway, it's midnight, and I'm wearing a 50-year old Vault 13 Jumpsuit. Let's hit it!" -The Chosen One
Free your mind
Free your mind
