34 replies to this topic

[Epantiras]

Yay *dances*

(Sorry, it was my inner fan-girl)

I'm glad to read more from you! *subscribing to the topic*

I was surprised that the story started with the Pim- no, I meant Hero of Waterdeep and her slave. If I didn't know already something about her and what she does Valen do, I'd be surprised to find them in that situation.

Spoiler

I hope you'll handle the whole bouncer/gigolo thing in a "tasteful" way, my inner fan-girl hates to see Valen in such a dire situation!

BTW technically speaking, Valen is a half-demon, not half-devil ;-) some tanar'ri guys could feel insulted by this mistake! lol

You stressed a bit too much that Uni'el is blind imo, 3 times in few sentences... it works well when describing actions or expressions, but makes me think "Ok, I get it, SHE IS BLIND, can we go on please?" XD

The last part about Anelee is good, with few words you described where she is, what happened, where she's going and a little of her curiosity. Without making it boring, in a way that the reader is told these facts while he/she is actually paying attention to Anelee's actions. So, you didn't stop the action to say "blah blah blah that's what happened", but you put these background infos INTO the narration.

[Orthodoxia]

Glad to see you here

Valen is a quarter demon, Uni'el is a half-devil (very proud at the 'half' part) And since I'm no fan-girl of his

Yes, I mentioned it three times (or did I ) but now I won't have to mention it anymore (and I'll personally shoot anyone who asks in the later chapters )

Oh the things I have in store for Aneele

Edited by Orthodoxia, 18 September 2009 - 05:47 AM.

[Epantiras]

BTW did I comment on the "Bare Bones" topic instead of the "Comments on..." topic?? Oh stupid me

[Orthodoxia]

It's fixed now *runs back to write while inspiration holds*

[Shadowhawke]

This Uni'el seems interesting, but I'll admit my inner fangirl is dying as well . One comment, though; I was surprised that she could see Valen's handwriting, given that she was blind? Unless her psychic powers extend to 'sensing' handwriting as well?

You built up the situation nicely with the bells, but I really think the highlight of this chapter was the last part with Aneele. Short, succinct, but a very hard-hitting image. Great to see you back with another installment, Orthodoxia! I'm looking forwards to more.

[Orthodoxia]

Uni'el's one of those, what you call them in game... psionists I think. All mind and no magic. She reads Valen's mind (and everyone else's) rather than seeing what's going on around her.

You know, I think that if I were ever to write a story about HotU (an idea I am toying with ) I'd be hunted down and killed by Valen fangirls everywhere. I'd just have too much fun doing unspeakable things to the poor tiefling

[Epantiras]

Speaking of bells... I thought she attached a bell to Valen so she could hear him moving... but IF she knows that he's moving because she can read his mind... does it mean that she put that bell only to increase his humiliation?

[Orthodoxia]

Uni'el is all about making people crawl into their shell. Plus it's good for business. Cute cat-bells seem to do wonders with the customers

[Epantiras]

Plus it's good for business. Cute cat-bells seem to do wonders with the customers

:3


Ehm, anyway, I'm curious to see Anelee and Uni'el interacting, that would be epic! If Gann alone could intimidate Anelee, I wonder what Uni'el can do...

[Orthodoxia]

I'm so tempted to spill out spoilers now *tries to hold back* Besides they won't be interacting anytime soon.

[Epantiras]

Besides they won't be interacting anytime soon.

Ah that's good! Reminds me of a rpg session where the two main characters never met but their personal stories were linked. But I digress 9_9

[Epantiras]

New chapter

A long but good one.

The first part is very good, I like the way you describe the life in Neverwinter, the "chipped gem", by small details like shouting merchants, big hulking men, rumors, and tavern life! For some reasons I liked the part about tavern wenches and men confident of their manhood ;-)

I *knew* it was Neeshka from the beginning and it saddened me a little that she didn't recognize Anelee - but I tend to forget that Anelee didn't like her companions. Same goes for Sand's acid pot - heart (hey that was a cool image).

The part in which the Forgotten Lords andventurers appear is a little "awkward" imo as I had some troubles understanding who's saying what 9_9

circus tent man

This rocks XD

I see Anelee seems to be a stronger person now, although she's still a "flawed" one. They're intimidating her into joining That's good. Character development is good.

Yay for invoking the Lady of Murder.

I've found some typos:

"pray" instead of "prey", it appears twice at least, so just Ctrl+F it.
I forgot the other one XD

BTW in the prologue I read "She was having a grand time. Especially with her latest stunt." - do you really mean "stunt" or is it "stud" ;-P

[Orthodoxia]

The first part is very good, I like the way you describe the life in Neverwinter, the "chipped gem", by small details like shouting merchants, big hulking men, rumors, and tavern life! For some reasons I liked the part about tavern wenches and men confident of their manhood ;-)

Isn't that a fact of fantasy life

I *knew* it was Neeshka from the beginning and it saddened me a little that she didn't recognize Anelee - but I tend to forget that Anelee didn't like her companions. Same goes for Sand's acid pot - heart (hey that was a cool image).

I wouldn't say she didn't like them, it's more that she didn't like the situation she was in and they were part of the package. And you have to remember that at this point she had allowed Akachi to eat all her emotions tied to her previous companions.

The part in which the Forgotten Lords andventurers appear is a little "awkward" imo as I had some troubles understanding who's saying what 9_9

Yeah, there's like four of them and only Quarrel in the slightly non-talkative guy there. All others can talk your ear off (all three are high on diplomacy)

I see Anelee seems to be a stronger person now, although she's still a "flawed" one. They're intimidating her into joining That's good. Character development is good.

And to think they're still below lv15

Yay for invoking the Lady of Murder.

All hail Lady of Murder

I've found some typos:

"pray" instead of "prey", it appears twice at least, so just Ctrl+F it.
I forgot the other one XD

I'll leave the mistakes there until I get someone to go over entire chapter-s. My eyes glaze over text after 5xxx time.

BTW in the prologue I read "She was having a grand time. Especially with her latest stunt." - do you really mean "stunt" or is it "stud" ;-P

Stunt. No studs, for now

Love your reviews if I hadn't said that by now

[Lind]

Hooray!

Nice to see you decided to keep on going with the story. It just seemed the ending of the last part was begging for a continuation. Look forward to hopefully reading more of it.

Cheers.

[Orthodoxia]

I'll try my best not to disappoint

[Lind]

Hooray!

Though, I hate to say it is rather amusing to see Aneele struggle with her new party... ^^

[Orthodoxia]

My favorite part to write

[Epantiras]

I've just read the newest chapter

Now that was a shocking way to wake up! And right after Anelee thought that she finally could wake up like a normal person. Ah, that brought back some memories about the unwanted attentions from a blue skinned alien 9_9

I'm sad that Quarrel didn't have a great part in the chapter, but my spider, no I meant Bhaalspawn senses tell me he'll have a greater role later on.

Ribsmasher is for the win

A little side note, since I'm dumb and a little ignorant too I didn't know who Sharess was (and had to look on wikipedia) and got quite confused when I read "Sharrans" 'cause I thought they were worshippers of Sharrans, not Shar :-P aww WotC and weird, unimaginative names 9_9

[Orthodoxia]

Now that was a shocking way to wake up! And right after Anelee thought that she finally could wake up like a normal person. Ah, that brought back some memories about the unwanted attentions from a blue skinned alien 9_9

You didn't think I'd let her have an easy life, did you?

I'm sad that Quarrel didn't have a great part in the chapter, but my spider, no I meant Bhaalspawn senses tell me he'll have a greater role later on.

Yes, especially when it comes to annoying the hagspawn

A little side note, since I'm dumb and a little ignorant too I didn't know who Sharess was (and had to look on wikipedia) and got quite confused when I read "Sharrans" 'cause I thought they were worshippers of Sharrans, not Shar :-P aww WotC and weird, unimaginative names 9_9

Sharess is the deity of hedonism, festhalls and sensual fulfillment. Sharrans is a collective name for worshipers of Shar. No, names are not imaginative at all

Anyone guessing the plot yet? I thought it was rather transparent (I'm even less good at writing mysteries than writing battle scenes )

[Epantiras]

Anyone guessing the plot yet? I thought it was rather transparent (I'm even less good at writing mysteries than writing battle scenes )

Eh, I assume the Shar worshippers come from the Storm of Zehir campaign. Uhm, let me guess the story...

Spoiler

The head priest of Shar was blackmailing Sasani because he had a hot photo of her making out with Volo AND Elminster. She sent the dynamic party to retreive those photos. Meanwhile Uni'el - who is the real mastermind behind the blackmailing thing - ehm does... some evil stuff, or she wouldn't be in the story after all. And... Quarrel tries to hit on Anelee but all he wants are the scrolls of mighty warlock knowledge of Ammon Jerro - whom he likes to call "Kami!" (lame Death Note reference). But the Sharran girl is jealous and wants to make a menage-a-trois. But THEN Gann comes to Neverwinter in search for Anelee... because he wants the purchasing recepit of the thing she has given to him as gift - he doesn't like its color and wants to exchange it at the shop. But THEN he falls in love with the Sharran girl. And THEN everyone lived happily forever - except for Valen who will be a sex slave for his whole life!

End story. This is the plot of your story! Ha, I can read your mind, ha ha ha! ;-P

Edited by Epantiras, 09 October 2009 - 12:10 PM.