232 replies to this topic

[Tempest]

Comments and whatnot go here. I'm a little more nervous about this one than my other stories.

Edited by Tempest, 01 June 2007 - 05:40 PM.

[Solstice]

No reason you should be-you once again gave an enjoyable read with some ominous hints.

Alexandria looks like she'll be an interesting protagonist-as a tiefling, it sounds like she'll be getting a double dose of dark heritage and evil impulses. Making her a soulknife is a very interesting choice, but I'm not sure if I think it's really a sound call. Psionic characters are supposed to be very rare, and tieflings aren't exactly common, so it would strike me that Alexandria would stand out a bit in a crowd, even if she doens't have horns or a tail. The idea of her mind blade being a reflection of her state of mind is an interesting idea, though-I'm not sure if I'd want to know what her mind blade would look like after her soul got stolen in BG2, if she could manifest it at all. But the simple idea of making her a character who can create a blade out of thin air by thought alone seems kinda cheesy, too. Players are bound up with rope? She can manifest her blade and slice em free. Disarmed and forced to surrender? She can whip out her mind blade at the perfect opportunity. I trust you'll make sure it doesn't get too Mary Sue-with-a-mind-blade, though.

I liked the way you set up Alexandria's relationships with Ulraunt and Tethtoril-their interactions make sense, and Ulraunt seems a little mean. Very interesting, too, getting the Roenalls involved. I get the feeling this incident will come back to haunt Alexandria down the line, or maybe sooner than we'd think-they seem quite sinister, and I wouldn't put it past them to show up again. I liked the scene with young Isea, though-he comes off very well as arrogant as hell, and definitely doesn't like Alexandria due to her demonic heritage. But I'm wondering if there was more to that scene than just Alex getting mad and manifesting her mind blade for the first time-was her divine or demonic heritage influencing her a little?

I also have a few other questions:

1. Where are Gorion and Imoen?

2. Will we be seeing the Roenalls again down the line, or are you keeping them to the role they play in BG2?

3. Will psionics be playing a bigger role in this version of the tale? I know you're fond of using them, and Alexandria herself is a psionic character, but I think it would be off-putting if Sarevok or another main character was turned into a psionic, too.

[Tempest]

I'm glad you liked the beginning-I was rather nervous when I decided to try writing my own version of the Baldur's Gate saga, even in this prelude chapter.

I trust you'll make sure it doesn't get too Mary Sue-with-a-mind-blade, though.

I'll certainly try not to. However, her mind blade will change over the course of the tale-it is literally a physical extension of her mind, and will evolve along with her.

But I'm wondering if there was more to that scene than just Alex getting mad and manifesting her mind blade for the first time-was her divine or demonic heritage influencing her a little?

That was more than just an angry little girl, rest assured. She knows there's a hint of something wicked in her soul. What she doesn't know is that it extends far beyond just a tinge of demonic blood...

1. Where are Gorion and Imoen?

You'll see them in the next chapter, which is the second and last prologue chapter before the events of Baldur's Gate kick off.

2. Will we be seeing the Roenalls again down the line, or are you keeping them to the role they play in BG2?



3. Will psionics be playing a bigger role in this version of the tale? I know you're fond of using them, and Alexandria herself is a psionic character, but I think it would be off-putting if Sarevok or another main character was turned into a psionic, too.

No worries there. When I reach that point, Irenicus may have some knowledge of psionics (including at least the ability to create a null psionics field to keep Alexandria from manifesting her mind blade while imprisoned), since to me, it would make sense for him. But beyond that, Alexandria and her mind blade are about the only psionics you'll see. I like psionics and use them extensively, but I'm aware that I'm very much in the minority there. I knew I wanted Alexandria to be psionic, but even then, I decided to keep it to the class that's about as non-psionic as you can get without actually being a conventional class. I may do a real psionics-heavy story in the future, but this is a retelling of the Baldur's Gate saga, as modified by me, and I'm going to keep it conventional.

[Jarno Mikkola]

It's a good story, but there is two things, I would like to notice that makes the story a little too Mary-Sue-with-a-mind-blade, and the first is this: ?Can I become one?? That's never what the child asks. She is quiet and Tethtoril might say "Can you begome one of those, I do not know, but plah..." Or something like that.
And there is the little thing that can be called; too much power, a story needs a hook. Whether it is too much desire, too much money, or a weakness of mind or body. But then again, the too much of power can be one too. So considering that a bhaalspawn as a mindblade has to give something away... Make a desition, a decisive one.

[Tempest]

and the first is this: ?Can I become one?? That's never what the child asks.

I disagree. In Baldur's Gate 1, Charname's biography says that you picked your class based on Gorion's tales. I always saw it as being that Charname wanted to become one of the heroes/heroines/villains from the stories, and tried to bring it across here. I mentioned the tales Gorion had told Alex, and I wanted to give a somewhat modified version of that to Alex when she learns that there have been others who have her same gift.

And there is the little thing that can be called; too much power, a story needs a hook. Whether it is too much desire, too much money, or a weakness of mind or body.

Oh, Alexandria *will* have her issues. For one thing, she's already known as being extremely violent when provoked to genuine anger, and her mindblade changes form to reflect her state of mind. More so than a typical Bhaalspawn, she is going to have impulses of violence and brutality due to her already fiendish heritage. That mindblade will serve as a physical reflection of how she feels at any given moment-it's a simple blue blade of force when she's calm and focused, but it gets nasty when she's feeling bloodthirsty.

The Mary Sue-with-a-mindblade issue was one of the main things I was worried about, but I will be deliberately keeping it from going into situations where her mindblade will save the day, other than the fact that people *are* going to underestimate her because she doesn't walk around with a visible weapon at hand. It's not a super-powered weapon like the Ravager halberd or Carsomyr-it's actually a fairly weak weapon.

[Solstice]

Nice introduction of Imoen, if a little sparse. Alexandria and Imoen both sound older and more mature than I'd expect of eight-year-old girls, but I suppose that in the Forgotten Realms, kinds grow up a little faster than on earth. The hay-fight scene was good, and I liked how you set the stage for Imoen and Winthrop, but overall, Chapter II just didn't feel very satisfying. You introduced Imoen, had a nice scene where she and Alex met and got to know each other, a fun little hay fight, and it was over. Please don't take this the wrong way, but it kinda felt like you couldn't decide what you really wanted to do with Imoen or the chapter in general, and it came off as waffling, sort of. Please don't take offense at that, but I hope you add some more meat to the future chapters, and a clear idea in mind of what you're doing with each chapter.

[Tempest]

No offense taken. Chapter II was originally much more complex than it is. I had written a scene in the keep where Alexandria showed off her mind blade to Imoen and Ulraunt caught them, a scene where Gorion learned what Alex had done in Chapter I, and the hay-fight scene was originally much darker, with Alex getting hit by one of her more vicious impulses. Ultimately, I removed those scenes. I wanted the chapter to focus on Imoen-Alexandria may be the protagonist, but she and her mind blade are not the only things in the story. Ultimately, I know Chapter II is a very weak piece. But if you like more meat on your stories, I can accommodate. Chapter III begins the day before Gorion's death.

[DalreïDal]

Just wondering... Why didn't Tethtoril reprimand Alexandria for almost killing Isaea? I mean... any monk finding his pupil has almost turned into a murderer must have a serious crisis of apoplexia, right?

[Tempest]

Yep, but Tethtoril stepped in. Chapter III, which I'll be finishing sometime this afternoon (yes, I know I seem to be posting a fanfic piece every day, but when I get an idea, I write it), will elaborate a little on Alexandria and Ulraunt, as well as her relationship with the rest of Candlekeep. Quite frankly, Ulraunt is scared to death of her-he knows she's a child of Bhaal, knows she has a powerful demonic ancestry besides, knows she can create a sword out of thin air, and knows that she almost killed someone at eight years of age. This is the first time she's nearly killed someone in a fit of rage, but it won't be the last (well, it's the last one you'll witness in Candlekeep-the next chapter begins the events of the game).

[DalreïDal]

Uh, er, I was asking about Tethtoril?

[Tempest]

I did answer-Ulraunt *was* apoplectic, but Tethtoril stepped in and defused the situation before it got out of hand.

[DalreïDal]

Oh, sorry, I just see your point of Ulraunt being apoplectic (though that DOES make sense, lol). But still, why wouldn't Tethtoril reprimand Alexandria? I mean, what happened is grave enough that it seems Tethtoril should say one line of "you know what you did is wrong, right?"...

[Tempest]

Oh, sorry, I just see your point of Ulraunt being apoplectic (though that DOES make sense, lol). But still, why wouldn't Tethtoril reprimand Alexandria? I mean, what happened is grave enough that it seems Tethtoril should say one line of "you know what you did is wrong, right?"...

Sigh... you're probably right. What's done is done, though, and I'm busy proofreading Chapter III right now.

[Shadowhawke]

Tempest, the rate at which you produce fanfic is incredible. . Good quality fanfic too... and while there seem to have been concerns about Alex becoming a Mary-Sue, the way that you've described her so far doesn't seem to have any indications that that will happen, and I'm sure it'll continue the same way. I also liked the 'waffley' Chapter II... the hay scene was good, and I felt there was meat enough with just showing the two characters meeting and interacting, especially since this *is* a fanfic piece and we already know a lot about those characters. If you wanted to improve it you probably could add more description and more character building, but it's also fine the way it is.

Just one little question though... you portray Imoen and Alex as being very close, and yet at the news of Alex leaving Imoen doesn't seem to display any hurt or grief. Are you going to expand on that later? Just something I was wondering about.

Looking forwards to your next chapter, when Alex hits the road.

[Tempest]

Imoen didn't react a whole lot because, in my mind, she had already decided she would be leaving Candlekeep. They are very close-I'm going to try hard to give it a distinct "big sister-little sister" feel. Alexandria is the one prone to action, and Imoen is following her big sister-you'll see much more of this in the next chapter. Alex can be a thoughtful person, but when possible, she prefers to act. She doesn't like secrets, either, and actually holds something of a grudge against Gorion and his friends-she knows something, probably several somethings, were kept from her, and unravelling those secrets is going to be her primary motivation throughout the story. What they were hiding, she doesn't know, and that letter from Elminster will only add fuel to the fire. She doesn't give a damn about a war between Baldur's Gate and Amn, to be honest.

From her perspective, I suppose a good analogy might be Theseus in myth descending into the labyrinth, leaving behind a trail of string. For Alex, Imoen is that string.

[Shadowhawke]

I've read a lot of Gorion burial scenes, but I think that one was probably one of the most touching ones I've read. Plain, simple, and yet very emotional.

Good chapter, Tempest.

[Solstice]

The last couple of chapters have been interesting. Alexandria is making for a very intriguing character, but I'm still concerned about Mary Sue Syndrome. I'm hoping you won't turn it into a big deal with every character she meets that she's a tiefling, she has a mind blade, that she doesn't worship a god, or that she knows there's more going on than what she knows. Granted, it's certainly reasonable that an intelligent Charname would have a lot of questions about their past and what Gorion was hiding, but I think you're being a little too obvious about it. We all know what Gorion was hiding from her, but someone who didn't play Baldur's Gate would already have the strong impression that there's something very nasty in her background. Foreshadowing is well and good, but I think she dwells on the subject a little much.

Now that I got that out of my system, I must also say I've enjoyed the last two chapters. The burial scene was done well-I have to second Shadowhawke's comment. I like Alex's talks with Imoen, adding depth to both characters. I kinda like how Alex doesn't really care about the iron crisis-she wants to know why Gorion was murdered, and it's interesting to have a character getting drawn into the Baldur's Gate tale that isn't terribly concerned about the consequences of the iron crisis. Her comment about the gods when talking to Imoen makes her sound rather Valygar-ish (and makes me wonder if you're setting the stage for him to be a love interest later on), and I liked your introduction of Jaheira.

I just hope writing this story doesn't take too much time away from your other project.

[Tempest]

Thanks, Shadow and Solstice.

I can understand your issues with Alexandria, Solstice, but she is a driven character, and she *really* wants some answers. With this story, I'm aiming for a rather more thoughtful, almost philisophical look at the world-Alex's mind blade, for example, changes color and appearance based on her mood, and its appearance will come up in the future. It's blue when she's content, for example, violet when she's afraid, and red when she's angry. Alex is meant to be a person who brings conflict wherever she goes, and I think you'll enjoy the first part of the next chapter, where Alex and Jaheira will have a long talk about things, and Alex's view of the world will be colored in a bit more. She most definitely lies at the chaotic end of the law-chaos axis.

As for Alex's view on the gods, this is something that will come up again in the future. However, I will say that if and when I write a BG2 portion, Valygar is probably not going to be a romantic interest.

[Shadowhawke]

Hey again, Tempest. I must admit that I agree with Solstice a little about the tiefling problem, but only in the case of the guard. Perhaps I'm being a bit judgemental, but based on their usual coded responses in the game, I always thought they were a bit simple. While they might realise her eyes are exotic, would he necessarily know her immediately as a tiefling?

Aside from that small part, I loved the rest. . Especially the reactions of the guard once Jaheira and Khalid stepped in. Jaheira was portrayed very well, and I liked the way that you brought them into it so smoothly. Alex's ruminations earlier in the chapter were also good. Plus, after everything... it's very understandable that she just felt like ranting a bit and getting things off her chest.

[Ilmatar]

Ahh, I finally got time to read this, and I must say I generally enjoyed it so far!

I'm on two minds about Alex, as a character. I like it that she's a bit of a rebel, and critical towards what is happening around her. Then again when I started reading the first chapter I almost stopped because Alex is one of those "oh-so-special-PC's" that I don't personally like very much. Apart from being a Bhaalspawn, she's also a tiefling and has a mind blade. Already three very unusual things in one package. However, you have handled it pretty well so far, and I hope you will not let her become a clichéish "powerful heroine who suffers because of people's prejudice" kind of a character. Like Drizzt. Eww. Okay, luckily Alex really doesn't seem like a goodie-goodie, so I'm pretty sure she won't end up like that.

Imoen is maybe a little too simple every now and then, but then again her darker side comes out only when Irenicus captures her. What bothered me in the first chapters was how well two 8-year-olds talked. They sounded and acted almost like adults! But otherwise you have captured the characters very well. Gorion was exactly like I have always imagined him, and I especially loved Alex's reactions to him and the secrets he never told her. In the last chapter so far Jaheira was also captured extremely well, and I loved the tensions that already started to cook up. Can't wait to see more of that.

I'm curious to see how Alex handles the stuff that is being thrown at her, and how she gets along with her possible companions. Also the business between her and the Roenall kid in the beginning got me hooked - I'm very interested to see how that will affect the rest of the story.