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[DalreïDal]

Chapter XXI. Mending

Ajantis had half expected a confrontation with Anomen over who would carry her. With the emotions of battle still running high, he had been ready for a challenge. To his surprise, however, the cleric yielded with unassuming diffidence as soon as he exhausted his last healing spell on Ilire.

Once through the ruin of Firkraag?s lair, Jaheira briskly led the party towards Garren?s cabin. Ajantis followed without question, even though he did not wish to overstay his welcome with the former lord of Windspear; he desired more comfort and safety for Ilire?s recovery than the best he could offer in an encampment in the wilderness. When Garren and his daughter saw Ilire?s party coming back alive from the confrontation with Firkraag, they welcomed them to grateful and ecstatic congratulations. Ajantis, who had begun to feel the strain of Ilire?s weight in his arms, did not even have to ask; Garren led him inside to the ware room, where the former lord and his daughter hurriedly set a comfortable bedroll.

Ajantis carefully put Ilire down. After doing so, he turned to Garren and Jaheira standing in the doorway.

?Please, I would like some privacy with my wife now.?

Garren hastily fled under Jaheira?s glower. The druidess glared at Ajantis a while longer before turning on her heel and storming off.

By Helm, warning delivered, Ajantis thought. Closing the door, he sighed and lowered his head. Leaning against the doorframe with a hand, he remained motionless for a long time.

***

Ilire woke to the feeling of a thumb striking the back of her hand, slowly and regularly. He must have felt her stirring, for she heard his low, steady voice.

?You gave me a scare, my lady.?

In a moment of sleepy confusion, she luxuriated in the warmth of her covers, the tenderness of his touch and the loving concern in his voice. Then grim reality crashed down on her head again. In the weakness of battle passed and sleep eroding her defences, she burst into tears. Tearing her hand from his grasp, she turned away from him and buried her face in the pillow, gathering an armful of covers to hug them to her chest.

?Oh, Ilire,? he sighed.

His big hand pressed her shoulder and he pushed her hair away from her face, not that it allowed him to see it. Moving to her other side to take her hand, he gently but relentlessly pried her fist open and patiently caressed her now nerveless fingers.

Startling him, she turned her head slightly away from the pillow and hiccupped, ?Why don?t you leave me alone, Ajantis? Surely you don?t need to sit there and watch me cry.?

There was a short hesitant silence on his part. ?And where else than at your side, trying to alleviate your pain, do you think I wish to be??

She snorted and cried anew. It took her a few seconds to control her voice enough to speak again.

?I don?t know. Surely your duty must call you elsewhere than at the side of your betrayer of a wife to uselessly listen to her tears.?

She wondered sadly where the three-feet-thick, magically-enforced, metal-banded brick wall rising between them had come from. It seemed to have sprouted out of nowhere. She remembered the time where she would sit next to Ajantis, he would look at her seriously and ask her what was the matter. She would squirm and come out with it. Other times, he would sigh when he looked her way and polish his armour for far too long, and she would walk over and ask him what was going on. They would disagree and discuss, but they never truly argued, and it always ended with a hug and a feeling of relief on both sides.

Until he disappeared, she was captured, and the wall of incomprehension rose a league tall between them with the league-deep trench of hurt on each side. It seemed all but insurmountable.

?You never seemed to think my presence useless before,? Ajantis remarked acidly, although he did not let go of her hand. ?Perhaps I should go and fetch Sir Anomen??

By the way he very suddenly fell silent, she knew he regretted those words.

She snorted in the pillow. ?Anomen so has nothing to do with this, Ajantis. He so has nothing to do with anything. We are perfectly capable of arguing just between the two of us.? She swallowed stinging tears, wondering how things could have deteriorated so much between Ajantis and her; how their complicity and easy smiles could have been turned to bitter confrontation and hurtful words. ?I?m tired, Ajantis, and I need to rest now, not to argue with you. Could you please ??

?Ilire, please be honest with me,? he cut her.

She tore her hand from his and banged her fist in the pillow. ?By Lathander, I never lied to you.?

?I was making a request, my lady, not an accusation. If I ask a difficult question, will you answer honestly? For the sake of everything we ever shared.?

She swallowed more painful tears. ?Yes.?

There was a long silence. He cleared his throat a few times before actually saying, ?Do you love Sir Anomen??

She chortled in the pillow. ?That?s not a difficult question. It?s only hard for you to ask and wait for the answer.? She turned on her back and dried her tears. She looked him in the eye a long time, his dark grey eyes troubled, but still hopeful. She took a few deep, steadying breaths to take control of her voice. ?The answer is no, Ajantis.? She saw his shoulders sag with relief and hurried to conclude before he relented completely and she lost her nerve. ?The truth is that I do not know what I feel, and I told him as much, and yes, that was before I discovered you were still alive. I had begun to think it felt good to have someone watch out for me, and be thoughtful, and nice, after all this time. It felt good that he seemed to forget about duty for a little five minutes when I was talking to him. I was alone, Ajantis? with Imoen gone, he was my only friend. There was Jae, but you know you can?t talk of everything with Jae; she?s like my mother more than like my friend. But I never had a chance to discover if it would go further than that, because you suddenly rose from the grave.?

He seemed all at once relieved and hurt. ?So you do not love him,? he suddenly repeated, and pain disappeared from his expression, as though he had taken the decision not to let any other consideration hold any weight.

?I told you, no I don?t.?

?My lady?? He coughed and looked at her in his trademark, intense manner. ?I cannot begin to think what it must have felt like to think me dead??

?For over a year,? she reminded him brutally.

?Helm, did it have to be that long,? he muttered to himself. Then, aloud, ?Yes, for over a year. But I had no control on the situation.?

?No,? Ilire conceded ungraciously, ?and neither did I.?

?Ilire, my lady? despite the words we have exchanged, is there no part of you that is happy that I am alive??

At that her eyes filled with tears again. ?Oh, Ajantis, of course I?m glad you?re not dead. And it hurts so much that we can?t seem to become as close as we were.?

?Then let me hold you in my arms, my love, and let us endeavour to mend this distance between us.?

He wrapped his fingers around her upper arm and tugged gently. She sat up in response and he slowly moved to embrace her. Very self-consciously, she slid her arms around his neck and rested her forearms across his broad shoulders. She buried her face in his shoulder and relaxed, his hands tall and warm on her back. His breathing became laboured and heavy as she threaded her fingers up through his short hair.

?Why did you not look for me, my love?? he asked through tears.

She pulled away from him. ?Look for you??, she exploded. ?But you were dead, can?t you get that in your head? Keldorn had already spent over a month looking for your corpse and found nothing. There was nowhere left for me to search. With Imoen counting on me to get her out of Irenicus? clutches ? what would you have done in my place??

Troubled, he frowned unhappily before sighing. ?I am sorry, Ilire. I would have done the same.? Then, under his breath, ?Helm forgive me.?

She usually let it slip when he muttered in that way, but now she did not.

?Is it really something to be forgiven, Ajantis??

He silently shook his head with a faint smile. ?I was asking forgiveness for my selfishness when I did not understand your trials, distracted as I was with mine.?

It rubbed her the wrong way, but she controlled her temper. ?Helm is the one you feel the need to ask forgiveness to??

Colouring and coughing embarrassedly, he slowly disentangled himself from her embrace to get down on his knees in front of her.

?Ilire,? he said intensely, ?I humbly ask your forgiveness for my selfishness in not understanding the trials you have had to endure. I beg you to forgive my absence. I have failed you, my lady? I should have been by your side.?

She smiled wanly. ?Now I remember why I married a paladin? not even a bard can beat their apologies.? He smiled and made to take her in his arms again, but she knelt in her turn. ?I think I have apologies to make too. I?m sorry that I didn?t look for you ? didn?t know you were even still alive. And? and for Anomen. I? I?m sorry ? you know I paid more respect to your memory than jumping into the first man?s arms. I swear I wasn?t? wasn?t looking for??

This time, he shook his head and took her face in his hands. ?Hush, my love, I know.? And he drew her in his arms again. This time she let him and relaxed.

?Thank you, Ajantis.?

?Ilire??

?Yes??

He pulled away and scrutinized her face. ?My lady, I wish to pledge myself to you again. If you will still have me? I will never leave your side again. I swear, my lady, I will never fail you again. Never let you at a madman?s mercy again.?

Her eyes brimmed with tears and she smiled. ?Good. That way I won?t have to promise never to let you fall prey to a dragon?s illusions again.?

Ajantis sighed and pulled her head to his chest. She settled there, her ear against the strong beating of his heart, and they were content with the silence for the first time since their reunion.

[DalreïDal]

I admit I?m a little disappointed? I was hoping for a few more reviews on the previous chapter before posting this one. But eh, no matter, here it is. Thanks for reading and please leave a review or two!

Chapter XXII. Loneliness of an unexpected nature

When dinner time came, Ilire limped to the kitchen on Ajantis? arm under the cheers of her team, Garren and his daughter. Her injuries had unsettled her stomach, so she could swallow no more than some soup, but the relaxed and friendly atmosphere around the table, now that she had made up with Ajantis, made the dinner delightful. Only Anomen did not share the easy smiles and boisterous good humour. He stayed uncharacteristically quiet throughout the dinner, but Ilire was too tired to take notice, and no one else paid much attention to the silent cleric.

After some soup, Ilire headed for the stream and, with Jaheira?s help, she cleaned off the remaining blood from her hair and skin. Exhausted afterwards, Ilire went back to her bedroll even though it was only early evening. It was something of a pleasant surprise when Ajantis, after easing her down between the covers, lay down besides her and put his arm around her waist.

Silently Ilire let him slide under the blankets with her. He propped himself on an elbow to carefully arrange her pillow and covers ? in a flash she remembered him setting up her bedroll with many blushes and much embarrassment early on in their relationship. Despite his lack of confidence, he had not exaggerated when he had said he knew how to make her comfortable.

?My love, you are shivering from the cold,? he said softly, and stretching he retrieved his cape which he added on top of the covers. He muttered to himself, ?I should have asked Aerie to warm the stream for her.?

Ilire was too exhausted to move much, but she nevertheless buried her head in the cape.

?I had even forgotten your smell,? she mused.

He stopped breathing for a moment, before sighing and bringing his hand up to thread it slowly through her hair. He had always done that, combing her hair until he fell asleep with his fingers entangled in her tresses. He had done the gesture countless times before, but it did not feel familiar anymore, only strange and slightly out of place. It felt like lying with a stranger whose each move she could predict, and Ilire thought she would drown in that sorrow.

Her expression must have betrayed her, for he asked tentatively, ?Ilire? Would you rest better if I did not disturb you??

She violently pushed all the sorrow to the back of her mind. In a rush she turned to bury her face in Ajantis? shoulder and pulled him close. She wanted the distance and the absence of familiarity to disappear. She wanted to go back to her feelings and feel again like she used to when her lover held her in his arms.

?I?m sorry, my love,? she mumbled. ?I?m so tired? would you just hold me??

Sliding an arm under her head, he pressed the other to her lower back, holding her tightly. ?Until my last breath.?

Yet the feeling of strangeness refused to be shaken off. It was the chest of a man she was pressed into; the chest of this man she knew well ? she knew each muscle, each curve of the skin over each rib, each steady beat of his heart. And yet, she had gone without his embrace for so long that she felt just like she had the first time they had been together: all new, awkward and not too sure what to do with it.

Her exhausted body did not allow her reflection to continue beyond that. She toppled over the edge of sleep and spiralled far down into oblivion.

***

She woke shortly later because of the sixth iteration of the same nightmare. Like the previous times, Imoen spoke the fated words, ?You will be too late?, and Ilire jerked awake at the sight of Irenicus? sneering face, his words still echoing in her ears. ?You will accept the gifts offered to you, if only because of the weak who will suffer because of you.?

A man moved next to her and grabbed her arm, but she punched him blindly in the dark and scrambled away.

?Don?t touch me, you madman! Don?t touch me ever again!? She screamed with all the hysteria of a trapped and tortured woman.

And then, the shooting pain in her ribs brought her fully awake. In the dim moonlight trickling through the small window, she could just discern Ajantis slowly rolling away from her in complete silence, not even drawing a breath.

She collapsed right back down to the bedroll, and tears flowed over her barriers. ?I?m sorry, I was having a nightmare, I didn?t know it was you, I didn?t mean you??

?I know, Ilire,? he cut her gently, rasping and breathless. She had knocked the breath out of him with her punch.

Right then the door burst open. Blinking and squinting, Ilire looked up at the bright square of light until she could see Jaheira in the doorway, standing with a lantern in one hand and her staff in the other. The druid glared down at Ajantis with a furious scowl.

Ilire?s cheeks flamed in shame. ?It?s alright, Jae,? she whispered with as much dignity as she could muster. ?I was just having a nightmare. Please, leave us alone.?

Her face softening, the druid nodded silently and closed the door. Other sets of footsteps approached in the corridor, and Ilire was grateful that only Jaheira had seen what she had done to Ajantis, even though it was by accident.

In the returned darkness, Ajantis tentatively took Ilire?s shaking hand. He breathed slowly and heavily, and tears lurked in his voice when he spoke. ?What terrible things you have endured, my love. I must ask your forgiveness that it was without my support?? Gently he pulled her down with him to the bedroll and folded her up in his strong arms, muttering to himself in her hair, ?I don?t need to hear those terrible things listed; it?s more than enough to feel her shaking, she who is so strong?? He cleared his throat, and then spoke louder. ?Try not to think of him anymore, Ilire. He cannot hurt you here, and I swear I will never let him hurt you again.?

She dried her tears against his shirt. Familiar words came to her, but they sounded somewhat hollow now. ?Thank you, Ajantis. Your presence? you make me feel safer.?

?I will guard you with all the strength Helm has given me. Sleep now, my lady.?

***

Unexpectedly, the morning was cruel. Her face, still blotched with tears, felt dry and stiff. She lay in Ajantis? arms, his fingers entangled in her hair, but nothing was left inside her but a barren wasteland. No feelings. No warmth, tenderness or desire aroused by his presence. She watched his face, serene in sleep; a strong, courageous and loyal man. Dutiful. Thoughtful. Who loved her. Loved her enough to forgive the crimson rhodelia in her hair and her statement that she did not know what she felt anymore.

It was treason not to feel anything in return. She should be feeling in return. There was no reason not to. He really was alive, after all those months of wishing he were. She had not killed him despite a red dragon?s machinations. They had even reconciled.

But there she lay, looking at his face, conscious of his arm around her shoulders and his fingers in her hair, and yet no answering love sprouted forth from her heart anew, like a stream coming back to life after draught.

Eyes brimming with tears, she disentangled herself from his arms. He stirred and mumbled her name sleepily.

?Don?t worry,? she murmured, ?I just have to go to the restroom.?

He groaned something that might have been his agreement and fell back asleep. Silently she exited the room, closed the door and tiptoed across the kitchen and outside. With dawn yet to break, everyone still slept soundly. After the visit to the restroom she had promised, she went to sit on the ground near the pond behind Garren?s house, and looked at the sky slowly brightening with the approaching sun.

She sat there, meticulously pushing down in a tiny corner of her mind all her thoughts of love long dead inside of her, replacing them with the forceful statement that it was the shock, that it would all come back to what it once had been, until Jaheira, always the first one up with her senses finely attuned to nature?s cycles, came to take her to breakfast.

***

The gods knew she tried. With all the strength of her mind and all her heart?s determination, she tried to act as though everything was back to what it once had been. She set her party to explore the lands of Windspear Hills in the next few days, to hunt down the last orcs and werewolves.

She sat next to him at meals; she shared his cup of wine; she smiled and spoke to him around the fire at night before they retired to their bedroll or their room; she reached for his hand when they were in safety; she let him stand to her right in battle to defend her.

Sometimes, it felt as though it clicked back into place; they would engage in a passionate discussion about battle tactics and for a few minutes it felt as though everything was well again. Then they would drop the last lines of their argument and reach an agreement, and she would suddenly feel very self-conscious again. Other times, he would back down in front of Jaheira?s commanding attitude regarding the set up of the camp, and Ilire would find herself smiling fondly at the paladin losing all his means faced with the formidable druid.

But those moments were fleeting. Most of the time, she would feel like a stranger, both to him and to herself. Ajantis was no fool, and he could feel it. Sometimes she caught him frowning worriedly at her, but he did not press her with questions.

And, one afternoon while they set up camp half a day?s walk from Garren?s cabin, ready to head back to Athkatla the next day, she met Anomen on the trail leading down to their source of water. She was going down to fetch water while the cleric was coming up from his bath. With her hands full with two empty buckets, she tried to manoeuvre around him on the trail, but the road was a narrow one. Anomen, by chance of circumstance, chose to move the same side as her, and they danced from one side to the other a few times. They were both smiling in amusement when Anomen took her elbow and guided her one step down, past him. It was just a casual, innocent touch; he let go immediately and went back up the trail without even looking back at her.

She went down to the water, her heart racing, her knees shaky and her morale lowest since she had escaped Irenicus.

She was married to Ajantis. More than that, she had decided that she would love him again, just as strongly as she used to. Then why did Anomen?s simple, meaningless touch on her elbow made her heart race so?

Why could she not just set her mind on something and really put her heart into it? Why did she always think back about Anomen, who seemed to lose himself when he looked in her eyes, who never made her feel second to his duty?

When she reached the water?s edge, she was distracted, and she slipped. Her feet flew past her and she ended up sitting in the middle of the stream, her clothes and boots filled with icy water. The cold was shocking. The cold was fitting.

She started crying.

[DalreïDal]

Chapter XXIII. Solitude and welcome loneliness

The three days it took to go back to Athkatla seemed to stretch to a very uncomfortable eternity. She managed to avoid Anomen without making it too obvious a manoeuvre, but Ajantis? growing distress at her suffocating despair transformed the journey into a living hell. His eyes on her every time he was not surveying the road. His frown when he looked at her, which started concerned and questioning, only to transform into angry and demanding. The unshed tears in his silence at night.

***

The morning they were supposed to board Saemon Havarian?s ship and head to Brynnlaw to rescue Imoen, Anomen went down from his room at the Copper Coronet to find the entire party assembled at a table in the common room. Ajantis angrily paced back and forth in front of a sombre-looking Jaheira.

?Lady Jaheira? Is something wrong?? Anomen inquired cautiously.

With an air of careful flatness, the druid stated, ?Ilire went for a trip to Trademeet.?

The cleric frowned. ?Trademeet? But what does she??

?Solitude,? Ajantis spat querulously. ?She wrote she needed solitude.?

?Ah,? Anomen replied slowly. Clearing his throat, he took a seat with them. ?Shall we go after her and make sure she is safe? Travelling these roads alone might not be the safest??

?No,? Ajantis interrupted. ?She can handle highwaymen. She said she needed solitude. She shall have it.?

Anomen bit down on the retort his wounded arrogance suggested, and instead simply backed down. He felt in a too precarious situation with Ilire to risk getting between her and her husband by a careless comment.

***

When the walls of Athkatla reappeared on the horizon, the serenity of solitude Ilire had experienced for the last three days slowly faded to be replaced by dizzying unease. Nevertheless, she refused to listen to her treacherous and cowardly heart urging her to run back the way she came, and willed her feet forward. She had been away for long enough. No matter the state of torment of her heart, Imoen deserved a rescue.

But with the relatively clear road from Trademeet to Athkatla, the city walls entered Ilire?s visual range rather early, and as the miles and hours passed, the dizzying unease spiralled down into nauseating disgust to end up in dull, throbbing, weary desire for it all to be over. Surely what was to come would not be pleasant, but it would undoubtedly feel better than this.

The last miles to the gates stretched to a thousand years, and then the last yards from the doors to the Copper Coronet piled together in a single step. The dizzying unease surged up again and made Ilire?s legs crawl with the feeling of ants. Her head felt heavy and light at the same time.

She unsteadily pushed the Copper Coronet doors open and the smell of smoke, food, spilled ale and piled bodies assaulted her nose. She stepped from the dark dusk into the dim candle-lit common room and, forcefully lifting her eyes, surveyed the people present.

She found her party easily enough, sitting at their usual table near the back doors. Aerie was reading some tale to a score of street urchins in filthy rags, many plates of food picked clean lying on the table in front of them. Yoshimo was playing dice in his usual corner and, judging by the red-faced fury of his opponent, was cheating again. Jaheira was angrily tapping her fingers on top of the table while watching the door; the drumming of her knuckles stopped when she noted Ilire?s entrance. Anomen was nowhere to be seen; Ilire assumed he must be making his evening prayers to Helm. And, finally, Ilire looked towards the end of the table farthest from the noisy children. Keldorn and Ajantis sat there, discussing quietly.

Her head light and her feet heavy, she crossed the common room. Everyone fell silent as she approached the table, all having noticed her arrival by Jaheira?s sudden immobility. She looked around and nodded her greetings to all before finally resting her stare on Ajantis. He looked up at her with a mix of dejected sadness and hope in his eyes.

?Ajantis, we need to talk.?

He nodded and followed her upstairs to what had been their room. The door closed behind them with an artificially loud, ominous sound of finality, and Ilire precipitously sat on the edge of the bed before her legs gave out. Rather faintly himself, Ajantis pulled a chair to sit in front of her. The silence dragged on and on while they averted their eyes. Ilire knew she was the one who had to speak, but she could not find the words.

?Ajantis, I?m sorry.? Ajantis? wide shoulders sagged with the confirmation of what he had known was to come. ?I?m so sorry, but I must be honest with you? and with myself. I don?t know what happened? really I don?t. I wish I could say it?s what Irenicus did? but I don?t know. Maybe it is. Maybe it?s just that in a year I?ve changed apart from you, aside from what Irenicus did to me, and we just don?t fit anymore?? She paused to cry and collect herself. ?I?m sorry, Ajantis, we can?t go on like this.?

He looked up at her then, something strangely chilly in his eyes. ?So it is over, Ilire??

The sharp words cut straight to her heart. She cried a bit more. ?Isn?t it? Can?t you tell? I tried, I swear I tried, but it just won?t click anymore, and each moment just makes it worse??

He shifted agitatedly on his chair, raked his fingers through his hair. ?Is there anything you wish to blame me for??

She shook her head and tears fell down her cheeks. ?No? nothing. You?ve been gone for so long? I think my heart all dried up and it can?t realize that I?m not alone anymore. I just can?t? can?t feel like I used to.?

?Can?t you give it another try?? he asked again, more desperately this time. ?By Helm, it can?t end like this,? he muttered under his breath.

She burst into sobs at that. ?Ajantis, I?ve given it the best try I can? if I don?t stop right now I?ll just collapse? I can?t deal with all this inside of me, worrying for Imoen, the essence of Bhaal, the nightmares getting worse, the scars from Irenicus, and now? now my heart ripped to shreds each time I look at you because it doesn?t wake in me the emotions I want it to? I?m sorry, Ajantis, I can?t, I just can?t? I?m sorry. You?re? you?re a good man. You?re strong, and courageous, and you?ve gained much confidence in the while we?ve been together? What we had? it was never a waste. I?ve been happy with you? I?m sorry it has come to this.?

Ajantis had started crying too. It did nothing to help her heart. ?I was happy with you too, Ilire? but can we not speak of it anymore? It sharpens the grief.?

She stood up and pulled him up to his feet. ?I?m sorry I hurt you, Ajantis? but I?d still miss you if you were gone from my life. Please, at least can?t we be friends? You were my best friend? if I can?t find again all I lost when I thought you died, can I at least not lose our friendship??

Ajantis swallowed his tears and nodded silently, not trusting his voice. It was a long time before he collected himself enough to speak. ?I am very sorry too, my lady. I have pledged myself to you; I would not abandon you because you wish to change the state of our relationship. If you wish me by your side, then I will stay and be your friend.?

She thanked him, and then hugged him. It was a closure; his arms tightened around her waist, making her acutely aware that it was the last time he held her so, and that he wanted to imprint the shape and feeling of her body into his memory. It was a bittersweet ending of a sort.

***

It was awkward when Ilire packed the last things left in Ajantis? room and went out. Her eyes were red and swollen and the last thing she wanted was to cross the common room to go ask Bernard for another room. So she just grabbed her pack and headed for the roof. Her arrival caused a momentary silence among the local fauna of shady characters populating the place, but when she turned her back on them to go stand at the edge of the building, they resumed their secretive activities.

She looked out into the night life of the Slums for a long while, tears flowing down her face once more.

It?s done, she kept repeating herself. How can it feel so hollow and so painful at the same time? Late into the night the cold chased her back inside. At least, the shivers had distracted her so she had stopped crying long enough for her face to be reasonably presentable.

***

Expectedly, the morning was cruel. Ilire had not slept much, and there was the unpleasantness of a divorce to be taken care of before they set off to Brynnlaw and might not come back alive. She was amazed at herself, and also at Ajantis, that both of them managed to remain calm and composed while the clerks took care of the paperwork. They had left the Copper Coronet before any of their companions emerged from their room, and when they came back from the Government district, the party was assembled at the table and waiting for them for breakfast. The ordinariness of the picture struck Ilire; today certainly did not feel like any other usual day.

?Ah, there you are,? Jaheira said crisply when they arrived and silently sat at the table. Yoshimo left to go ask Bernard to bring them their food. ?We were wondering when you would join us.?

Ilire and Ajantis exchanged an uneasy look, and the paladin averted his eyes. Obviously this was too much for him. So Ilire studied the pattern of dirtiness and knife marks on the table for a few seconds before taking a steadying breath.

?We went to the Government district this morning. The divorce is official and effective as of this morning, and now if no one would speak of it anymore we?d be grateful.?

Jaheira?s eyes first widened in surprise before warming with compassion. She silently nodded in acceptance. Other incredulous stares travelled around the table.

?Oh, and, Keldorn,? Ilire added with effort, ?I am ordering you back to your family.?

The older paladin paused thoughtfully. ?I thank you for considering this, but it is my responsibility to assist you in freeing Imoen. I do not wish to sit idly by while a young lady is the wrongful captive of the Cowled Wizards. I also feel I have a score to settle with this Irenicus concerning your own captivity and the way he outdid me.?

His well-stated argument lacked conviction in the delivery, however. His understandable desire to go back to his family, especially after what had happened between Maria and Sir William, interfered with his perceived duty to try and convince Ilire to take him on the trip to Brynnlaw.

?It is to your credit that you view it so, my friend,? Ilire said softly, ?but I free you from your promise to help us. You have already done more than what I could have asked of you and I have other worthy companions who will help me in the task. I think your wife deserves that you go back to her now.?

The paladin visibly warred with the idea for a while, before he bowed his head in acceptance. ?Thank you, Ilire. It was an honour travelling and forwarding Torm?s cause in the Realms with you. I hope that you will stop by my estate and introduce Imoen to my family once you get back from Spellhold.?

Ilire smiled faintly. ?I will, Keldorn, don?t worry.?

[DalreïDal]

Chapter XXIV. The Voyage

The sea trip to Brynnlaw felt like a moment outside of time, as though they had always been there and would always be there. Ilire spent the first day meditating alone in her room, sitting cross-legged on the floor of her cabin while the rhythmic rocking of the ship sent her spiralling down into herself in search of balance and serenity. For a very long while she looked for reconciliation among her feelings, and every negative emotion resurfaced, one after the other? at times she had to resist the urge to open her eyes and take in the reality of her surroundings to flee the unbearable intensity of her ill-defined unease.

After a long moment of contemplation, however, the smothering darkness started to fade and unravel into its individual sources. The insecurity placed in her by Irenicus; the constant worry about Imoen?s fate; the erosion of her control with the essence of Bhaal closer to the surface; the pain from the news of Ajantis? death; the slow recovery of her heart which had started to reach out towards Anomen; the shock, which had felt like fate itself betrayed her, of seeing Ajantis alive again; the impossibility for her feelings to come back towards Ajantis after being so brutally forced to cope with the horrors of Irenicus? dungeon, Imoen?s abduction and Bhaal?s nightmares without him. At some point she felt rather disappointed in herself that she had needed a man at her side, even if it wasn?t the man she had desired at first, to help her through the aftermath of Irenicus? tortures. But after another long while of meditation, she let it go; who would not have needed the comfort of a friend in those circumstances? And she had felt the need for Anomen?s presence because she had somehow sensed, even before speaking of her trials to him, that he would be up to the challenge and would know what to say to make her feel better.

And so she made peace with herself. She had been loyal to Ajantis until the end; that the end was the failure of their relationship rather than his death was not something she should feel guilty of. She would not feel guilty anymore. Sorrow still occupied an important place in her emotions, but its acceptance transformed it from a crushing weight into something she could learn from; something that would make her stronger for overcoming it.

With that resolution, Ilire breathed a sigh of relief; reality slowly came back into focus and reasserted itself in her perceptions. She slowly disentangled her heavy limbs and lay down upon the rough floorboards to let the numbness fade from her feet and legs. The knotted muscles of her entire body released weeks of accumulated tension; her throbbing headache, which had not given her a minute of respite in a tenday, had disappeared altogether.

It had been much too long since she had allowed herself a much needed meditation.

***

When she exited her room in search of water and a bit of food, her interior calm made the world seem strangely subdued. She crossed Jaheira?s path as the druid came from the kitchen, and the half-elf silently took Ilire?s elbow to guide her to her room. Once alone behind a closed door, Jaheira gestured to the bed and Ilire obediently sat down. The druid rummaged in her personal belongings for a while until she extracted a handful of bundled cloth from her pack.

Silently she extended the black silk to Ilire. Curious, the kensai opened it cautiously, to discover dark flakes of brittle choclatl.

?Choclatl!?, she exclaimed in delight. ?Jae, where did you find choclatl? Can I have a bit??

The druid snorted. ?Of course you can have a bit, child, I bought it especially for you. A black market merchant on the docks sold it to me while Linvail introduced you to Havarian. I heard choclatl is the best remedy against heartache. I thought you might appreciate some.?

Gingerly Ilire took one flake and let it melt on her tongue. She closed her eyes to better savour the bittersweet taste.

?You could probably use some too,? the warrior commented slyly.

?That is a reasonable assessment. You don?t mind sharing??

With a smile Ilire gestured Jaheira to come sit with her. The half-elf took a seat next to her friend and helped herself to a flake of choclatl.

?So, how are you doing, Ilire??

?I?ll be all right,? she said with a quiet shrug. ?It hurt to take the decision, but I think it was the hardest part? it just wouldn?t mend between us. What I dealt with without him? Doesn?t that sound strange to you? I lost him not because he died, but because I thought for so long that he was gone for good, and I forced myself to acknowledge that he would never be there for me again so many times, that when I found him, I had lost the habit of reaching out to him.?

Jaheira shook her head. ?No, it is not strange, Ilire. Relationships necessitate time and effort? when we are too long apart, we stop functioning as a pair, and become separate individuals again. Khalid and I tried to go on different missions for the Harpers a few times, and we quickly discovered that it isolated us from each other. That is why we decided to always travel together afterwards, and to choose only assignments that would allow us to do so.?

Ilire nodded and took another bit of choclatl. ?I don?t know if it?s better against heartaches than other causes of sadness, but choclatl will always make you feel better??

Jaheira chuckled lightly and took the last treat. ?That is for sure. Maybe we should not question it and just appreciate it.?

They did, in silence.

***

When finally Ilire reached the kitchen in search of something more sustaining than choclatl, the day had progressed well into morning, and each member of her party but Anomen had already deserted the galley. The cleric sat at a table under a porthole, quickly scribbling something in his journal.

The scullion she went to for breakfast remarked in an ungracious grumble that she was late and breakfast hours were over, even as he served her a bowl of oatmeal and a glass of water. She offered her assurances that it would not happen again, took her breakfast and walked to Anomen?s table. He put his diary aside when she arrived by the side of his table.

?I hope you don?t mind me sitting with you? I didn?t mean to interrupt??

?Of course not, my lady. Please join me.? She set her meal down and Anomen frowned at her. ?Are you well, my lady? You look very tired.?

She smiled at his concern. ?You?re right. I meditated all night long, so I?m tired? but I feel much better. Were you writing in your diary, or is it some sort of report for the Order??

?It is merely my journal. I was writing of my worry for your childhood friend, who I hope we will soon be able to liberate, and of my eagerness to fight this bastard Irenicus who had the foulness?? Blushing, he trailed off. ?Forgive me, my lady, I did not wish to remind you of the mad wizard?s evil, but the knowledge that each moment brings us closer to his lair makes my blood boil with righteous fury!?

Ilire, even though a reference to Irenicus sufficed to spoil her appetite, made an effort to complete her meal; she needed the sustenance. Anomen shifted in his chair uncomfortably. Finally, he said what was obviously on his mind. ?Ilire, please forgive me if you do not wish to speak of it, but I am concerned about you. I want to reassure you that I will stand by you and defend you until my last breath. Nevertheless, we are about to face Irenicus again? I hope the possibility does not disturb you overmuch??

She sighed and distractedly played with the splinters coming away from the table?s edge. ?Obviously I?d feel much better if I never put my eyes on the son of a bitch ever again, but? it?s irrelevant when considering that he holds Imoen captive. No matter what he did to me? what memories might come awake when I see his snarl again? I will hold together for Imoen. But thank you for you concern.?

Anomen nodded quietly.

?I?m just afraid he?ll use her to wake the taint in me,? Ilire went on. ?That?s the only thing I can imagine not being able to bear. He already eroded my will with his tortures? I wouldn?t put it beyond him to devise a plan to push me over the edge.?

Without warning, Anomen?s big, warm hand had captured hers and was squeezing her fingers. ?Ilire, you can resist anything. You are of extraordinary strength of character; you have to trust in yourself. You can face him, as well as anything else you wish to. Please do not let the twisted bastard make you doubt yourself.?

She did not answer or move right away. At length she nodded, and he slowly released her fingers.

***

Ilire had not known how far Brynnlaw was, but she welcomed the respite even as she fretted about the delay. Saemon Havarian informed her that the trip should take six days, assuming usual winds for the season. Halfway through the distance, Ilire felt like she had slept and eaten more in the last three days than in the preceding year altogether, and she felt calmer and stronger than she had in a long time. Ajantis did not exactly avoid her, but he did make an effort not to spend too much time in her presence, despite the limitations of being both stuck on a two-hundred-feet galleon. Even though her former husband seemed to be coming to terms with their rupture, some awkwardness lingered.

That night, Ilire made another nightmare. When finally her companions tore her away from the dream, she found her whole team bent over her with worried frowns. Jaheira and Ajantis were directly over her, the druid restraining her and the paladin holding her hand tightly. Wearily, she fell back against her pillow.

?It?s all right,? she said. ?Just a nightmare.?

Yoshimo, Aerie, Anomen and Ajantis slowly left the room, leaving only Jaheira who smoothed her hair back silently. Ilire did not feel like talking ? well, not to Jae anyway ? so she let the druid caress her hair and relaxed back into sleep. When Jaheira took her hand away from her forehead and tiptoed out of the room, Ilire resurfaced from her light doze and sat on the edge of her bed, trying to sort through her dream?s impressions. Finally, she stood up and pulled a presentable tunic over her sleeping shift. She stopped by her cabin?s door for a while, listening to the creaking of the ship as it rocked over the waves, and to the silence of the narrow corridor. Taking a breath to gather her resolve, she slid the door open and slipped outside, closing the door quietly behind herself. Two doors down, she knocked.

She was half afraid he might be asleep already, and she did not want to disturb him anymore than she wanted to knock too hard and wake someone else. Her fears proved unwarranted, however, when the door opened to reveal him, standing there with the look of a man who knew who would be knocking on his door. He held a flickering candle in his hand and wore a tunic over his trousers.

?Can I talk to you for a minute??

He withdrew from the door and gestured her in. ?Of course, my lady.?

She entered the small and tidily kept cabin, looking; few of his personal belongings were visible apart from his weapons and armour on a stand in the far corner near the bed. The sparse furniture comprised a small bed, cramped between the door, a chest and the nearest wall. Not wanting to keep standing awkwardly in front of him, but not daring to gamely sit on his bed either, Ilire settled on the chest that no doubt held his clothes. She fiddled uncomfortably with her sleeves while he lit a single lantern in the room.

?Do the nightmares keep sleep from you? I thought Lady Jaheira would calm you enough that you might find peace again tonight.?

She shook her head. ?It?s not the nightmares? well, not directly, anyway.? Nervously she raked her fingers through her hair. ?Anomen? I need to talk to you.?

There was a short, strained silence, and his voice was equally tense when he said, ?I am listening, my lady.?

?These last days? I?ve been doing a lot of looking myself in the mirror and being honest with myself. It?s something that can shake you, and I didn?t have the luxury to be shaken when we were gathering gold to pay for information about Imoen?s location. And while I have admitted something to myself? I think I should also be honest with you.? Taking a breath, she forced her eyes away from their blind contemplation of the far corner of the room back to his face. The room floated in darkness, but she could see his expression well enough; the uncertainty and the hope there. ?The nightmares tonight? they demanded that I come and speak with you, because it is of extreme consequence for the future of our quest.?

He slowly came to kneel in front of her, taking her hand. She looked down at his serious, eager expression. ?Tell me what distresses you, my lady, so that I may reassure you.?

That remark was so knight-like that she could not help but smile amusedly at him. However, her amusement quickly faded to be replaced by the uncomfortable necessity to speak.

?In the nightmare? we were facing Irenicus, and he was not using Imoen to try to manipulate me like I told you I fear. He was?? She took a breath. ?It was you Irenicus threatened and tortured. But my mind could not have turned that fear into a nightmare if I had not already admitted to myself that I?? She swallowed, and went on forcefully. ?That I care for you beyond the mere bonds of friendship.? She went on in a rush, ?I know you must think me dishonourable to come to you so soon after Ajantis, and I have no right to expect you to accept being pushed aside and asked for again, but I swear??

?My lady.? He had spoken in a soft voice and he slowly raised her hand to his lips. ?I do not think you dishonourable. I cannot guess what you must have gone through to discover him alive again, and to find that what you once shared with him was not enough anymore, but I can have compassion for it. And I do not feel as though you have toyed with me or my feelings; when I adorned the crimson rhodelia in you hair, you told me that you needed time to think, and I was ready to accept that.? He kissed her hand again, his dark eyes looking up in hers intensely. ?Just as I am ready to accept a closer bond to you now, at whatever pace you are ready for, Ilire.?

He held her hand, kneeling in front of her, for a long time, before she found her voice again. ?Thank you,? she whispered.

He smiled, and did not show any indication to move any time soon. She stood and he rose in answer. He started to move, but obviously changed his mind from embracing her to simply stroking her cheek.

?Please, rest assured that I will not give any occasion to the mad mage to use me as a way to manipulate you. I will stand by your side and defend you, my lady.?

She smiled. ?And I?ll make sure nothing sneaks on your right side.?

With his hand cupping her cheek, he stroked his thumb across her cheekbone a few times, observing her a little worriedly. ?Will you be able to find restful sleep this night, Ilire? Do you think the nightmares will come to haunt you again despite my assurances??

She shook her head and closed her eyes. ?No, I don?t think my subconscious has any more messages to pass along tonight. Still, a little reassurance couldn?t hurt.?

Hoping he would take the hint, she closed her eyes and took half a step towards him. He gave off a satisfied sigh and pulled her in his arms. Even though she knew it was not a good way to start any relationship, the comparison with Ajantis just sprung to her mind; Anomen stood a good four or five inches shorter, which made it a lot easier for her to lay her head on his shoulder instead of on his chest. Anomen was also stockier than Ajantis, even though both men were fit by all standards.

But then Anomen turned his head and rested his cheek on top of her hair, sighing contentedly again, and she realized that he was abandoning himself to her touch. He was completely dedicated to her in that instant. He was not thinking that it was late and that they would do better to sleep so they would be ready to face the difficult battles that were doubtlessly going to come in the next days; he was not wondering if anyone would intrude upon them; he was not carefully weighting if her embrace was interfering with his duty.

Resentment and release and warm satisfaction washed over her at once in a violent swirl of emotion. She buried her face in Anomen?s neck, unable to stop her tears. After a moment?s hesitation, the knight tightened his arms around her.

?My lady? What is wrong??

She took a few calming breaths. ?I?m sorry. Letting go is harder than I thought. I don?t know? I don?t know if it?s a good idea to go much faster than this. Do you??

?Hush, Ilire,? he whispered again, slowly stroking down her long brown hair. ?I have told you that I am ready to adjust to any pace you wish to set for us. I will be here, waiting for you, if and when you need me.?

?Thank you,? she murmured, her face still in his neck. His gentle touch on her hair calmed her and she relaxed, abandoning herself to his care, until she was composed enough to pull away. She put her hand on his cheek and his dark blue eyes looked at her with contentment. Something more there too, but she was not yet ready to contemplate it. ?Thank you so much, Anomen.?

?Do not thank me for making me the happiest man in the world, Ilire.?

Even though the phrase might have sounded worn, he said it with such a genuine smile that she did not doubt his honesty. Half amused, half moved, she reluctantly stepped out of his arms. He captured her hand and kissed it once more before wishing her good night and gallantly opening the door for her.

Ilire felt strangely self-conscious when she lay alone in her bed. She found herself thinking back of Anomen?s embrace, and surprisingly missed his presence. She needed another moment of looking herself mentally in the mirror to let go of the insidious guilt that she had not felt that way about Ajantis since the third day in Irenicus? dungeon.

[DalreïDal]

Ah, here it finally is. I've had a lot of trouble wrapping this one up. You'd think writing something so short should be easier. It was all nice and clear up to this point, but I really wasn't sure how far into the future I wanted to go and putting Ilire's feelings into words proved more challenging than I had foreseen at first. But there it is.

A big THANK YOU all who've read this and kindly left reviews or constructive criticism. Just seeing the hit number going up helps If it wasn't for your constant encouragement I might have abandonned this one. I dedicate it to you all!

Epilogue

Ilire remembered it well enough; the racing heart each time you caught the other?s gaze, the incessant desire to smile, the overwhelming rush of energy that seemed ready to burst out of you any moment. However, even the pleasurable sensation came to her with some apprehension, and she realized that Anomen did not understand this. To him, requited love at long last had opened a world of possibilities; he could barely contain himself and his enthusiasm, despite the dark prospect of a quickly approaching confrontation with the Cowled Wizards and Irenicus himself. And while Ilire did experience all these emotions when Anomen was near, it was no longer with careless exuberance, but rather with some relief; after the emotional upheaval associated with her previous relationship, she had been unsure of being capable of falling in love. Even though she felt a thrill, it was different now; she felt calmer, more thoughtful, and even a little apprehensive.

She knew, first-hand now, that it was no guarantee ? that a fluttering heart did not necessarily mean she had found the man of her life. She could certainly develop strong bonds and feelings for this man, but it could all be shattered, like other illusions of youth she had lost. It could all turn to bitter disappointment and hurtful words.

Her mind held no sway over her heart, and the heart held little reason.

She fully realized the risks and the immutable strength of the sways of the heart now. She could no longer simply jump headlong into a new relationship with a thrill and enthusiastic hope. She let it carry her away, a little fearful, hoping she could really trust her heart into Anomen?s care and come better for it.

Anomen did not understand this; for him it was all new and shining. She doubted he could even recognize the illusions he nourished and that could be shattered.

But, despite the apprehension, each moment she spent in Anomen?s company soothed and healed her. She quickly came to relish each instant of his abandon. Being second to nothing, not even duty, felt infinitely good, satisfying, and soothing. Anomen did not make her feel as though she was asking too much, or that she was difficult or unreasonable. He appeared to naturally consider his partner like the most important part his life. She cherished the vulnerabilities hidden under his arrogant manners, and the complete trust with which he opened himself to her, without fear of her judgement, without holding anything back.

So when Spellhold?s ominous dark towers appeared at the horizon over the waves, three days later, she could look towards the future with much more confidence than she used to, because of the comforting presence by her side. The hot sun on her face and the fragrant wind in her face, she reflected that her mind did have some sway over her heart; she could have decided to sink into despair then, but instead decided to order her heart to give love another chance.

She did not deny that it was but a chance thing, but once naïve illusions were shattered, chance was all there was left. She no longer clung to irrational hopes that everything would go right for the rest of her days, but instead took a leap of faith. She chose to risk that love would work this time around, because the two men were different and what she had lacked so direly in one, she had found in another.

Ilire turned to Anomen, who had been standing next to her on the bridge, watching Spellhold emerge over the horizon. He smiled at her and put his hand over hers in reassurance. Something warm and pleasant invaded her heart at the sight of his private smile. Slowly stepping towards him, she put her arms around his neck and kissed him.

The gloom of harsh reality would reassert itself soon enough when they would set foot on Brynnlaw; for now she indulged the selfish desire of wanting something good for herself. She took his hand and started towards her cabin. A brief hesitation flashed in his eyes before he followed her. However, it seemed her certainty in addition to her intent transpired in her expression, for he surrendered to her confidence and followed her, without questioning her sudden change of pace.

Maybe he understood her better than she had realized, she reflected; after all, he had just taken his own leap of faith.

THE END

Edited by DalreïDal, 17 March 2009 - 06:35 AM.