184 replies to this topic

[Userunfriendly]

Its no secret that in the mod, laufey and dorotea have some evil nasty plans for "the most eligable sorceror" in the realms, elminster (eligable if you are a female lich over 1000 years old, single, and still have most of your skeleton intact) and if you have been following along "in the cards" and "cards reshuffled" you know that eddy dropped a cow on him at the gates of baldur's gate...

now i quite frankly never ever liked his patronizing, condescending and insufferable (not to be confused with eddy's too cute familiar) attidude, and the encounter with him after the harper quest is so annoyingly typical of him...

btw...if you give your thief many potions of master thievery, and haste him, and spawn him manually, you can pickpocket a ring of protection +2 off the git...

not to mention the really smug attitude he has at the gates of abizegal's lair...what a dork, making it seem like he is in any way responsible for your accomplishments...

anyway, he deserves much abuse, and i hope laufey can give us just a hint about what (well deserved) horrors lie in wait for him....

"give me a pointed hat and a thousand years, and i'll show you..."

sorry, eddy, the pointed hat would make you silly looking and people would say your momma dresses you funny...

(runs away before elvira finds out about this...)

[jurts]

That handcuff trick with Aerie is way too evil even for Elminster... but then - maybe not

[Userunfriendly]

ooopse...i forgot the most evil and nasty one of all...the penultimate curse, the one i wrote up on the "anomen abuse thread" on the imoen romance mod forum...

Polymorph to neeber...

"ZAP!!!!"

Heya, my name is elminster, do you like my hat???
Heya, my name is elminster, do you think my beard makes me look sexy?
Heya, you should join the harpers, you know...they got these cool decoder rings and a secret handshake...
Heya, you should do good things, or i will turn you into a frog...can i do that, mommy???
Heya, you should kill melissan, because she is a bad lady, can i tell her you are going to kill her? Can i tell her, ppppllleeeaaasssee???

[Laufey]

That last post belonged to me, Laufey, of course, in case anybody didn't guess.

[Laufey]

ooopse...i forgot the most evil and nasty one of all...the penultimate curse, the one i wrote up on the "anomen abuse thread" on the imoen romance mod forum...

Polymorph to neeber...

"ZAP!!!!"

Heya, my name is elminster, do you like my hat???
Heya, my name is elminster, do you think my beard makes me look sexy?
Heya, you should join the harpers, you know...they got these cool decoder rings and a secret handshake...
Heya, you should do good things, or i will turn you into a frog...can i do that, mommy???
Heya, you should kill melissan, because she is a bad lady, can i tell her you are going to kill her? Can i tell her, ppppllleeeaaasssee???

ROFL! Oh, that one was just lovely!

Heya, my name is Elminster! Mystra's my giiiirlfriend! What's a girl?

Heya, my name is Elminster! Lookit my cool beard! It's my nostril hairs, really it is! Look how long they are!

Heya, my name is Elminster! Why are you all barfing like that? Can't you see how high my Char is? Really, I'm lovely!

Heya, my name is Terminsel! That's a verrrrry sneaky alias, cos I'm a verrrry sneaky clever person. Nothing at all like my real name, Elminster...oh damn.

Heya, my name is Elminster! I'm not Gand-alf clone at all, really I'm not! The pointy hat, beard and pipe are all my own! Now, how about taking this here pretty ring and walking along with me to drop it down the Throne of Bhaal?

[Userunfriendly]

hiya, see this cap? my teacher gave it to me, cause i am such a good boy, and i got to sit in the corner of the classroom all day, and i even got to keep the cap....

hiya, did you know i can do MAGIC!!!! here, pick a card, any card...


hey, just in case you missed these BRAIN DEVOURING LINKS....

http://cutethulhu.whiteradish.com/

http://www.toyvault....sh_cthulhu.html

after i pass my next ccnp test, i will splurge, and buy a plush bun-bun, and a plush cthulhu....

oh the horror...the horror..

[Laufey]

hey, just in case you missed these BRAIN DEVOURING LINKS....

http://clickass.org/...hulhu-main.html

http://www.toyvault....sh_cthulhu.html

after i pass my next ccnp test, i will splurge, and buy a plush bun-bun, and a plush cthulhu....

oh the horror...the horror..

Yup, saw them all right! I *want* a plush Cthulhu!

[silver]

Heya, my name is Elminster! Mystra's my giiiirlfriend! What's a girl?

Heya, my name is Elminster! Lookit my cool beard! It's my nostril hairs, really it is! Look how long they are!

Heya, my name is Elminster! Why are you all barfing like that? Can't you see how high my Char is? Really, I'm lovely!

Heya, my name is Terminsel! That's a verrrrry sneaky alias, cos I'm a verrrry sneaky clever person. Nothing at all like my real name, Elminster...oh damn.

Heya, my name is Elminster! I'm not Gand-alf clone at all, really I'm not! The pointy hat, beard and pipe are all my own! Now, how about taking this here pretty ring and walking along with me to drop it down the Throne of Bhaal?

*shudders* Elminister polymorphed to Neeber...that's horrible mental image alert. I never find Neeber particularly annoying in the game since I have several younger siblings just like him, but even so...an Elminister version would be too much even for me to handle! *shudders again*

These are just awesome! Me and my characters like the one about the nostril hairs and my boyfriend keeps laughing over the last one! Someone really should write a story where Elminister gets polymorphed...

Silver

[Laufey]

These are just awesome! Me and my characters like the one about the nostril hairs and my boyfriend keeps laughing over the last one! Someone really should write a story where Elminister gets polymorphed...

Silver

I *so* enjoy coming up with new ways to mock the Pointy-Hatted One.

[Arkenor]

Problem with doing things to Elminster:

He's got more contingency spells on him than anyone else alive (After all, he wrote half of them, including the oh so pesky Elminsters Evasion). Alas, as usual, the one supplement I can't find in my house is the Realmspace one which mentions his small private moon, Safehold, and all the spells there that watch over him. So I can't find the precise wording. But basically anything that kills, incapacitates, or in any other way renders him into a situation he wouldn't like much teleports him back to his secret private moon base, and fixes him right up. Leaving him whole, alive, sane, in funny looking wizard form, and probably rather annoyed.

Now, if Edwin could "borrow" that spelljammer in the Underdark, take it for a quick trip up to the oh so convenient moon, and then blow the daylights out of it, he MIGHT have a chance.

Second problem with doing bad things to Elminster. While you would instantly become the toast of an evil-doers cocktail party, you would have a small army of Chosen of Mystra after you. Not to mention Larloc, the Harpers, the Knights of Myth Drannor. And probably Mystra (which might cramp your being able to use magic. she can just stop you being able to use it. Ever. Any magic using the weave anyway. Theres always the shadow-weave......).


The powers of all chosen of Mystra, including Elminster:

1. Effective constitution 25 (system shock rolls + regeneration)
2. Immunity to disease & afflictions (as per elixir of health)
3. Death from natural causes impossible
4. Immunity to disintegration magic
5. +5 saving throws vs. spells
6. +3 save vs. dragon breath
7. Detect magic at will with a range of 90 ft, or w/n their line-of-sight (whichever is greater)
8. Hear own names spoken anywhere on Toril (& next 9 words spoken by that person)
9. Lose all need for sleep
10. Function without food & water for up to seven days at a time (as per potion of vitality)
11. Have one of the following effects active at any given time as per the item: ring of warmth, ring of mind shielding, potion of water breathing, protection from gas scroll
12. Immune to one specific spell of each level (own chioice)
13. One bonus spell at each level the Chosen can cast that can be cast by act of will alone and re-appears in the Chosen's memory 24 hours later
14. Unleash the silver fire (beam 5ft wide, up to 70ft long; pierces *all* barriers; 4d12 dmg, no save)
15. Cloud of silver fire (cone 5ft wide at base, up to 70ft long, up to 70ft wide at end) - banishes dead magic areas.
16. Banish all external magical or psionic compulsions with silver fire.
17. Teleport w/t error 1/day to last location where they used silver fire.


Alas, these powers aren't known by the poor souls living on Toril. Planning a fate for Elminster had best not involve the use of his name, or he's just going to have a good laugh.

Thats the reason why he doesn't tend to work directly. It's be incredibly unfair on everyone else. Also, in defense of his claim on having been useful, he did warn Gorion that Sarevok was coming for you, when you were just a wee 1st leveler, so did rather save your life.

If Edwin can find a way to put the lecherous old fool in his place, I shall be most pleased, but he'd better be careful.

[Laufey]

Thanks for the info! There were a couple of things there I hadn't seen listed yet, but I still think I can work around it - hopefully in a believable way.

[Userunfriendly]

fortunately Hello Cthulhu is not bound by such petty mortal limitations...so expect a hello cthulhu story later where i do some pretty mean things to him...hhehehhehehheh

hiya, my name is elminster...why cant i see?? and why am i walking so funny???(ATOMIC WEDGIE!!!!)

maybe luring pointy hat one into one of the dead magic rooms in watcher's keep???

not even contingency spells work....they trigger, and fizzle...only devices work, so a quick pickpocket and of course ATOMIC WEDGIE!!!! should do the trick.....


party gets inside a dead magic room in watchers keep....

edwin: so i was saying, its no surprise elminster digs lich chicks, they smell just like him, and are the only ones who can stand the stench he exudes(mostly due to the fact they have no noses)

(eddy makes a signal to jan and imoen, both of whom are giggling and chugging potions of speed, invisibility, dexterity and strength....

POP!!!!

the pointy hat one appears, and eddy hits him with a wand of spellstrike, while the other mages hit him with wand of paralysis, fear, and ring of ram...

imoen rushes over, grabs his waist, and administers ATOMIC WEDGIE!!!

immy: ooooooo....cooties!!!! YUK!!!

immy and jan strip him of every magical device they can, then use the staff of air control to hit him with a stinky cloud...meanwhile, all his spells fizzle, and he passes out...

party: hehhehehehhe...now payback for being such a git...

[Userunfriendly]

other npc's who deserve to get polymorphed into neeber...

lady delcia: heya, i am lady delcia, i walk around with my head held so high everybody can easily look up my nose and see my brain...check for boogers, would you please???

Gaylen Bayle: heya, my name is gaelan bayle, i am a shadow thief, but i moonlight as a pigeon impersonator...coooooooo, ccccccooooooo.....

[Laufey]

Hee hee! I like it, I like it a lot! Personally I have something else in mind, that I *think* will cover all aspects listed above, but it won't happen until the very end of ToB.

[Userunfriendly]

here is another brain frying link in case you need to be inspired...


http://review.mondom.../happytree.html


i actually have the happy tree friends on dvd...it is terrifying...it is scary...and sometimes i have to watch it...

who else needs to be polymorphed to neeber???

Drizzt: heya, my name is drizzt, and even though my name sounds like a liquid nasal discharge, i am so cool...do you want an autograph???

[dorotea]

And probably Mystra (which might cramp your being able to use magic. she can just stop you being able to use it. Ever. Any magic using the weave anyway. Theres always the shadow-weave......).

I always wanted to write a piece in which Mystra (Midnight) finally gets fed up with the Chosen ( who are the family and ex-boyfriend of her predesessor after all) and strips them of their unnatural powers. Making them all mortals again. After all - Midnight should not be very happy with the fact that she had to lay with the old goat to get her divine powers ... And the scheme when a deity can strip someone of access to the weave stinks. Magic is supposed to be something you do on your own - without the divine interference. If the worst cometh to worst Eddie can just quit Toril forever and move to the Plane where there is no deity so uber-powerful and predjudiced as Mystra. Gimme Vecna any time!

The whole Mystra-Chosen-Elminster business vexes me to no end. It is probably the thing that can put me off he Realms forever.

[Laufey]

The whole Mystra-Chosen-Elminster business vexes me to no end. It is probably the thing that can put me off he Realms forever.

It really does stink, yes. It's totally unfair, not to mention ridiculous. But no fear - though I can't go into that much detail in the mod epilogues, in Cards I will have a way of dealing with that aspect too.

[Laufey]

here is another brain frying link in case you need to be inspired...


http://review.mondom.../happytree.html


i actually have the happy tree friends on dvd...it is terrifying...it is scary...and sometimes i have to watch it...

who else needs to be polymorphed to neeber???

Drizzt: heya, my name is drizzt, and even though my name sounds like a liquid nasal discharge, i am so cool...do you want an autograph???

Oh gods! That was *really* sick and twisted, in a lovably cartoon way of course. I'm about to go to bed now, should get some *very* interesting dreams.