53 replies to this topic

[DalreïDal]

Heeeello again I'm glad to see the new half-chapter up. Lol, I didn't know your answer would be quite so... literal.

As for the (I hope) constructive criticism... I agree with Shadowhakwe. It's a bit of jumping back and forth between everything. You might want to produce some transitory paragraphs or something of the kind (well, I'm probably not an example to follow when it comes to fluidity, but oh well). I'm talking especially of their arrival to the woman's hut. It was pretty farther up in the story, and it was "bumping in" a bit unexpectedly.

I have one little original thought. It's about Vessa trusting Solaufein. I would think it's natural for the drow to think how alien it is for her to allow herself to fall asleep next to him unguarded like that. He's been born and bred in the Underdark after all. Where I think it doesn't fit is when Jaheira lectures Vessa about it. Maybe it's just in the way you introduce the matter, but it kinda made me angry. I felt like "Come on, Jaheira, you know him better than that! Don't you dare insinuate that he might be capable of hurting a fly!" There's a bit of contradiction between "it's good to see Vessa sleeping so peacefully in Solaufein's arms" and "Vessa! Please show more discretion in the future!" If it's good to see her peaceful... then shouldn't that be because she trusts Solaufein to keep Vessa's peace of mind, not to act like the dangerous creature he can be? And if that's so, why warn Vessa against him?

Besides that, I felt it was a bit "sudden" when both Jaheira and Anomen had a talk with the two lovebirds. As everyone was seeing it coming for days, why suddenly "jump" at Solaufein and Vessa that morning? Of course they slept together the night before... which might serve as an incentive (is that the word?). But then, maybe... it might be better to underline the fact that this sudden and obvious development in the relationship is what pushed Jaheira and/or Anomen to have a talk with Vessa/Solaufein.

Just suggestions though. I hope I contribute something useful. Your story is really good. Isn't your next chapter ready already? (Just trying )

[Psycho Data]

Ok, hey, sorry I haven't been on in a while. I am recently back in my hometown of Chicago to attend the funeral and wake of a family member, and my access to a computer is limited. I'm still writing chapter 12 in my beaten up old notebook, however. the poor thing is mostly tatters by now. Anyway, I can't fix up chapter 11 now, but I will do it when i get back.

Heeeello again I'm glad to see the new half-chapter up. Lol, I didn't know your answer would be quite so... literal.

As for the (I hope) constructive criticism... I agree with Shadowhakwe. It's a bit of jumping back and forth between everything. You might want to produce some transitory paragraphs or something of the kind (well, I'm probably not an example to follow when it comes to fluidity, but oh well). I'm talking especially of their arrival to the woman's hut. It was pretty farther up in the story, and it was "bumping in" a bit unexpectedly.

Ok, my beta-reader and I went over this chapter quite a few times, and I guess we were so used to it we didn't really catch the bouncing. I was worried that I was putting in too much romance and not moving the story along fast enough, so I jumped around a bit. Now that I know you *want* me to ramble on some more, I shall go back, fix it up, and do so.

I have one little original thought. It's about Vessa trusting Solaufein. I would think it's natural for the drow to think how alien it is for her to allow herself to fall asleep next to him unguarded like that. He's been born and bred in the Underdark after all. Where I think it doesn't fit is when Jaheira lectures Vessa about it. Maybe it's just in the way you introduce the matter, but it kinda made me angry. I felt like "Come on, Jaheira, you know him better than that! Don't you dare insinuate that he might be capable of hurting a fly!" There's a bit of contradiction between "it's good to see Vessa sleeping so peacefully in Solaufein's arms" and "Vessa! Please show more discretion in the future!" If it's good to see her peaceful... then shouldn't that be because she trusts Solaufein to keep Vessa's peace of mind, not to act like the dangerous creature he can be? And if that's so, why warn Vessa against him?

Ok, The way I was thinking about Jaheira's reaction is that she *knows* Solaufein is a great wonderful guy who wouldn't hurt anyone if he didn't absolutely have no choice, but I could see Jaheira seizing the opportunity to teach Vessa a generic lesson about responsibility and trust. In reality she wasn't chiding Vessa so much on staying with *solaufein*, just men, or people, in general. Jaheira is very happy that Vessa and Solaufein are together, but she worries that if Vessa lets her guard down for one man, she might get complacent and start trusting just about anyone, and that would be very dangerous for a bhaalspawn. If you have any suggestions on how to better change that bit, let me know!

Besides that, I felt it was a bit "sudden" when both Jaheira and Anomen had a talk with the two lovebirds. As everyone was seeing it coming for days, why suddenly "jump" at Solaufein and Vessa that morning? Of course they slept together the night before... which might serve as an incentive (is that the word?). But then, maybe... it might be better to underline the fact that this sudden and obvious development in the relationship is what pushed Jaheira and/or Anomen to have a talk with Vessa/Solaufein.

I thought I underlined that with Jaheira's soliliquy (I have no idea how to spell that word properly), but perhaps I should go about making it more obvious. I thought that Jaheira and Anomen did indeed see it coming, but they felt they needed to have an adequate provision to speak to the two about it, instead of the conversation coming out of the blue, you know? Once again, suggestions are welcome! Bless you, constructive feedback!

Just suggestions though. I hope I contribute something useful. Your story is really good. Isn't your next chapter ready already? (Just trying )

I'm writing chapter 12 now. I'm just taking a while on it because I want the fight scene to be more polished, less amateurish, and less rushed. I've gone through about two revisions of it already. Don't worry, I'll polish up chapter 11 once i get back home to my beloved computer...Hopefully late night playings of KOTOR and NWN won't keep me away from Solaufein...though his attraction has proven the stronger so far....

[Shadowhawke]

Ok, hey, sorry I haven't been on in a while. I am recently back in my hometown of Chicago to attend the funeral and wake of a family member, and my access to a computer is limited. I'm still writing chapter 12 in my beaten up old notebook, however. the poor thing is mostly tatters by now. Anyway, I can't fix up chapter 11 now, but I will do it when i get back.

Ah, my condolences, Noctalys. .

Ok, my beta-reader and I went over this chapter quite a few times, and I guess we were so used to it we didn't really catch the bouncing. I was worried that I was putting in too much romance and not moving the story along fast enough, so I jumped around a bit. Now that I know you *want* me to ramble on some more, I shall go back, fix it up, and do so.

Ah, I see. That would explain it. In truth, I felt that the bouncing was because you described the key events that you wanted to, but you didn't have much actually connecting them to make them flow smoothly. You also described events more with actions alone, not expanding more upon the characters and their thoughts.

Ok, The way I was thinking about Jaheira's reaction is that she *knows* Solaufein is a great wonderful guy who wouldn't hurt anyone if he didn't absolutely have no choice, but I could see Jaheira seizing the opportunity to teach Vessa a generic lesson about responsibility and trust. In reality she wasn't chiding Vessa so much on staying with *solaufein*, just men, or people, in general. Jaheira is very happy that Vessa and Solaufein are together, but she worries that if Vessa lets her guard down for one man, she might get complacent and start trusting just about anyone, and that would be very dangerous for a bhaalspawn. If you have any suggestions on how to better change that bit, let me know!

As I was saying before, perhaps if you wrote around Jaheira's actions and interspersed her spech with thoughts as well? You did an excellent job of balancing action, speech, character development and insights in your first few chapters, in truth that was what made me really hooked on this fic. . It's hard sometimes as a writer, because *you* know why your characters are acting that way, but we as your readers don't. . That's why constructive criticism is so great, no? (I know, I can't talk, the entire slab of Starlight is evidence enough against me. )

I thought I underlined that with Jaheira's soliliquy (I have no idea how to spell that word properly), but perhaps I should go about making it more obvious. I thought that Jaheira and Anomen did indeed see it coming, but they felt they needed to have an adequate provision to speak to the two about it, instead of the conversation coming out of the blue, you know? Once again, suggestions are welcome! Bless you, constructive feedback!

Soliloquy. . Hmm... I guess it could have been clearer? To us, it seemed like Jaheira underwent a brief thought process before jumping on them, and Anomen speaking to Solaufein as well as Jaheira speaking to both in one chapter, *along* with all of the other key plot events made the chapter feel disoriented and jumbled. I'd actually suggest that you split the one chapter into two chapters if possible, just so you can reintroduce that wonderful balance that works so well in your previous chapters.

I'm writing chapter 12 now. I'm just taking a while on it because I want the fight scene to be more polished, less amateurish, and less rushed. I've gone through about two revisions of it already. Don't worry, I'll polish up chapter 11 once i get back home to my beloved computer...Hopefully late night playings of KOTOR and NWN won't keep me away from Solaufein...though his attraction has proven the stronger so far....

Heh, we look forward to reading it. . Your story is really quite engaging... I doubt I'm the only one hooked and waiting for more to develop.

[Psycho Data]

Ok, i'm rereading my earlier chapters to see how my style may have changed in order to rectify the jumpiness in my later chapters. I am doing a complete rewrite of chapter 11, and simultaneously working on chapter 12. Perhaps i shall split 11 up, i do not know at the moment. I fear it may be a while before I post something here, but rest assured, my fanfic is not dead. I'm far too stubborn to allow that.

[Shadowhawke]

Ok, i'm rereading my earlier chapters to see how my style may have changed in order to rectify the jumpiness in my later chapters. I am doing a complete rewrite of chapter 11, and simultaneously working on chapter 12. Perhaps i shall split 11 up, i do not know at the moment. I fear it may be a while before I post something here, but rest assured, my fanfic is not dead. I'm far too stubborn to allow that.

That's good to hear. Keep at it. . I'm sure we're all looking forwards to what you produce. Remember, you can also PM any of the Beta-readers in the list, besides yourself of course . I'm not sure if the forum software allows you to do that.

[DalreïDal]

*interestedly* Beta-readers? What beta-readers?

Erase that. As we say here, if it had been a wolf I'd be eaten by now...

Edited by DalreïDal, 29 June 2006 - 07:01 PM.

[WeeRLegion]

Hay guys, i've been away, and i'm in a hurry.
I read most of what i've missed thus far and despite the difficulty of remembering all the old details i think i mostly like it.

Running out of time, i'll comment more when i've got my home comp fixed.

[Psycho Data]

'Ello, everyone!

First off, I would like to apologize for taking so bloody long to post. Secondly, I would also like to apologize that all I have posted is basically the new and improved chapter 11, split in twain and with new content added for your viewing pleasure. There is indeed new, plot-important stuff in there, so please reread it. Sorry it wasn't finished sooner, things have been very hectic where I live.

I had the newest chapter finished, but I noticed some glaring continuity problems that need to be rectified before It is fit for public revising.

Thank you for your patience, and also thank you for taking the time to read and post!

[Shadowhawke]

Welcome back, Noctalys. . Your new-and-improved Chapter 11 is definitely showing its... improvement . It has a lot more depth to it, and your scenes worked quite nicely too in the way they flow together. Solaufein and Vessa are also very different characters from the beginning! .
Good work with this, Noctalys. Keep it up.

[Ameera]

I'm really enjoying your fanfic, Noctalys. Keep up the good work! Tis truly the dog's bollocks!

[Psycho Data]

Hello again! Once again, HUGE apologies for taking so long to post this chapter. A whole lot of Real Life*tm made things very hectic for me, and I didn't have very much time to work on this fanfic at all. I hope you'll forgive me.

Oh, My internet was messing up earlier, found out it was a worm that I have taken care of. I ended up posting the first part of my new chapter as a guest, and the entire thing didn't load properly so there is a repetition of a paragraph. Sorry for the annoyance, hopefully it won't happen again.

Yes, This chapter is rather Sola/Vessa intensive, but it seemed proper, given the context. However, I'll go back to writing more for every POV in my next chapters, the next few of which are already nicely mapped out in my head. Expect drama!

[Shadowhawke]

It's good to see you back too, along with a great new chapter . Just a note on the second (accidental?) post; you repeat a part of your paragraph but that's easily fixed. I liked the new advancement of the shady shaman. Hope rl is beating you around the head too much.

[Psycho Data]

It's good to see you back too, along with a great new chapter . Just a note on the second (accidental?) post; you repeat a part of your paragraph but that's easily fixed. I liked the new advancement of the shady shaman. Hope rl is beating you around the head too much.

Thanks for the greeting! I'll go fix that repetition once my internet connection decides it doesn't hate me anymore.

[DalreïDal]

As always, I'm very glad to see a new chapter of your story. I very much liked your Vessa in this chapter. You portrayed the embarrassment so well that it made me travel back in time to those almost-distant memories of a first kiss, eheh (hey, I'm not THAT old alright!!!) Really, it was masterfully done.

Now I'm just waiting for the next part. Things are progressing along nicely in your story. Is she ever going to find her soul back?