53 replies to this topic

[Celestine]

Beautiful vivid description and you developed most of the party characters, a very nice touch. I look forward to more.

Btw, may I add, I love Solaufein, and there aren't many stories dedicated to him. Kudos to you for writing one. Yay.

Edited by Celestine, 21 April 2006 - 08:27 PM.

[Psycho Data]

Well thank you very much!

I have 8 postable chapters total, atm, but I must be mentally incapacitated or something because when I tried to post them all earlier, they all sort of melded into 1 big post and cut off completely halfway through the third chapter.

EDIT: I figured out what I was doing wrong. I swear, sometimes my own stupidity astounds me with its sheer awfulness.

Btw, may I add, I love Solaufein, and there aren't many stories dedicated to him. Kudos to you for writing one. Yay.

Aye, that's *exactly* why I wrote it. (Well, that and an unhealthy obsession with said drow) and once again, thank you!

Edited by Noctalys, 21 April 2006 - 10:03 PM.

[Shadowhawke]

Welcome to the fanfic forum, Noctalys! I agree with Celestine; it's good to see a Sola fic around. Your evocative description really fleshes out the story nicely too, and I like it how you switch perspectives. Your paragraphing is also really easy on the eyes. .

Good work, I hope to see more soon!

[Psycho Data]

*Throws a party* Thank you!

Chapter nine is in the works, and it will most definately need a sappiness warning (I can't help it; the resulting dialogue was too tempting to resist.) Hopefully it will be done soon. I've been going over my chapters with a fine-toothed comb, only to realize that some of the teeth are missing, so it'll be longer due to editing. I would rather it be as aesthetically pleasing as possible before I offer it for your perusal.

If anyone has comments, suggestions, corrections, or problems with the way that I portray a certain character or whatnot, do not hesitate to tell me, either in this thread or via PM. I have to improve somehow!

[Shadowhawke]

Your patience is definitely a credit point, Noctalys . I usually don't have the time or patience to edit all of my work, as I'm sure the lessened quality attests to .

Since you would like some feedback on your characterisation... I was quite surprised at your portrayal of Anomen earlier in the story. Of course, he does have a great possibility of being merely a comedic relief, but his utter stupidity surprised me. However, you did attest this later to his stress and the rigidness of the Order training. I however thought that in-game, he was far less prone to being so rampantly sexist. My view of Anomen has always been that since he saw the inner strength in Moira, that is why he respects females somewhat in the adventuring profession.

However, this just a matter of opinions. . Your later portrayal of Anomen shows him as much matured.

[Psycho Data]

Your patience is definitely a credit point, Noctalys . I usually don't have the time or patience to edit all of my work, as I'm sure the lessened quality attests to .

Since you would like some feedback on your characterisation... I was quite surprised at your portrayal of Anomen earlier in the story. Of course, he does have a great possibility of being merely a comedic relief, but his utter stupidity surprised me. However, you did attest this later to his stress and the rigidness of the Order training. I however thought that in-game, he was far less prone to being so rampantly sexist. My view of Anomen has always been that since he saw the inner strength in Moira, that is why he respects females somewhat in the adventuring profession.

However, this just a matter of opinions. . Your later portrayal of Anomen shows him as much matured.

First off, thank you for your opinions. I like opinions.

Yes, when I was writing for him, my original intent *was* to elaborate on his personality so he did not just get pigeonholed into the "pompous knight" category. However, I wanted him to grow slowly, and I guess I overdid it just a little too much in the beginning, before I became more comfortable with my own writing style. I sort of wanted to expound upon how I interperated his dad's disrepect for women would affect him, even though he does cherish his sister, and I remember there being a vanilla dialogue in-game in which Anomen comes off as lightly sexist (or at least the main character can choose to construe it in this way.)

However, looking back on what I wrote, I have to agree with you, although I fear it is too late to change it now. Maybe I can edit it to be less...florid. I'll have to check into that later. If I do change it dramatically, there will definately be an update here. But I am indeed taking your opinion seriously and it is being considered.

Oh, and a warning...Poor Anomen does indeed get cast as the 'comic relief knight' in chapter nine, but it was a halting attempt on my part to show that he still has a large ego, and also for some light-hearted fun. You'll probrably end up hating Vessa by the end of this chapter, actually. I'm sorry, I couldn't help it! The dialogue that arose was just too good! If it is any consolation, this chapter will be the *absolute last* time that happens. I swear.

Edited by Noctalys, 22 April 2006 - 07:23 PM.

[Shadowhawke]

First off, thank you for your opinions. I like opinions.

No problem . I wish everyone else where I am was as like-minded... I'm so opinionated most people at school go away thinking I'm a highly opinionated, blunt, impulsive, unbearable devil's advocate.

Which I am...

Yes, when I was writing for him, my original intent *was* to elaborate on his personality so he did not just get pigeonholed into the "pompous knight" category. However, I wanted him to grow slowly, and I guess I overdid it just a little too much in the beginning, before I became more comfortable with my own writing style. I sort of wanted to expound upon how I interperated his dad's disrepect for women would affect him, even though he does cherish his sister, and I remember there being a vanilla dialogue in-game in which Anomen comes off as lightly sexist (or at least the main character can choose to construe it in this way.)

Ah, I see. That makes it clearer then .

However, looking back on what I wrote, I have to agree with you, although I fear it is too late to change it now. Maybe I can edit it to be less...florid. I'll have to check into that later. If I do change it dramatically, there will definately be an update here. But I am indeed taking your opinion seriously and it is being considered.

The best thing about being a writer is that you can ignore some critics if you want to. . You don't necessarily have to edit it, Noctalys. You can always explain it again later, but if you are willing to do the editing it might help with the characterisation.

Oh, and a warning...Poor Anomen does indeed get cast as the 'comic relief knight' in chapter nine, but it was a halting attempt on my part to show that he still has a large ego, and also for some light-hearted fun. You'll probrably end up hating Vessa by the end of this chapter, actually. I'm sorry, I couldn't help it! The dialogue that arose was just too good! If it is any consolation, this chapter will be the *absolute last* time that happens. I swear.

I loved that chapter, Noctalys . It was absolutely hilarious and far from hating Vessa, I began to seriously empathise with her. Cute little balls of fluff!! Plus, the entire thing was hilarious .

Great dialogue . Good chapter.

[DalreïDal]

Ahah!!! Very good so far! I'm still laughing from poor Anomen's fate at the malevolent hands of the Company of Imps (PDG=Imoen eheh).

Aside from what has already been pointed out as Anomen's character being a bit over-dumb in the beginning... getting slightly better by the end... I really liked your story. Your Solaufein's portrait was nice, I think, it's nice to see him struggling with surfacer's customs. Your banter between Vessa and Imoen is also very good.

I hope more comes soon

[Psycho Data]

[quote][quote name='toberegisteredlater' date='Apr 23 2006, 04:37 PM' post='248387']
I must say that i've truly enjoyed reading this story of yours thus far.
It's in a way just the kind of writing i enjoy reading, with enough description to flesh out the surroundings and enough dialogue as well as thought processing to keep the characters alive.[/quote]

Well thank you! I appreciate it. The characterization part was my biggest worry, and it is comforting to know I did not completely mischaracterize or make the characters boring.

[quote]The only points of criticism i wanted to bring up, and i hope they haven't been brought up yet, but i'm just too tired to read through the above postings this time of the night (0012).

1) Spells
It was brought up mostly in the fight with Nizdramaniiyt.

You, at least for the most part, referred to spells primarily by name and by function only as specifically relevant.
While most probably most readers of fanfics of this kind will know those spell names and their effects by heart, to some extent i do, but i think it would make it even more of an intresting read if you referenced the spells cast more through description and less by title.

ex: (ugly, rough example)
a) Jan cast lower resistance, after which Imoen shot a swarm of magic missiles at the creature
B) A spell of Jan's weakened the creature's natural resistance to magical energies, resulting in an greater roar of rage as Imoen's magical missiles sped sparkling through the air and slammed into it's wekened flesh.

*b may be a bit over strecthed, but it be just an example...
**Me write these late at night... [/QUOTE]

You bring up a valid point. I actually thought that readers would get annoyed if I overdid the spells, since most already know what they do. However, now that I know otherwise, I'm going to have to fix some things. Thank you for the suggestion.


[quote]2) Anomen and the others
The focus on Anomen as "the problem" in my opinion leaves the other characters lacking, they all seem in a way oddly similiar, being all goodwill on the inside and imps on the outside.
Well, that's a bit exeggerated, but anyway...

Surely they all have different habits for spending their spare time, but once brought to see the problem, they're going "We all love Anomen!"... pretty much... [/quote]

Hmm...I never looked at it that way. I myself don't like Anomen at all, truth be told, but I also thought that the characterization of him in BG left him lacking in a way.

I guess the characters do seem a bit similar in a way, but do they not come across as mostly goodwill in the game proper? However, I'll slip more variety in there. I was just trying to show that people could behave differently toward Anomen than just "argh, he's a big stupid knight" and that they had the maturity to see that he is still very young and tempermental. When you think about it, pretty much everybody in the game is older than he is except for Vessa, Imoen, and possibly Aerie and Nalia. Your input makes sense though, and I thank you for it. With outside opinions to aid me, the Level Of Suck*tm of the fanfic should go down nicely. Hmm... *goes off to contemplate how to handle what she writes next*

[quote]
... Heres to hoping i didn't include too many typos here to dullificate the chainsaw edge of my arguments. [/quote]

Extra points for saying 'dullificate'' And who cares about typos? It's the thought that counts.

[Neferit]

I really don't like Anomen... and this makes him sooo ridiculous Good work, Noctalys Just continue

[WeeRLegion]

Ahh, good, looks like i managed to avoid at least the most terrible possible blunders while writing my comments as "toberegisteredlater" last night...
It happens every now and then that i manage to wander across the border between constructive and destructive criticism while posting late at night...
It hasn't happened so often lately, so my mind has been compensating for the loss in impishness by giving me nightmares where i post stupid things...
Gahh...
I've now learnt to deal with them and most often when i wake up i can remember enough of what i've been up to to figure out that it was just a dream...

Oh, but i'm rambling on...
Err, so i just wanted to clarify, and elaborate, as i feel that i may have, especially with my second point expressed my thoughts somewhat unclearly.

To point numero uno i'll just add that i'm not suggesting... or rather am trying not to suggest extensive descriptions of the colors of each and every magic lightbulb flying from the hands of a wizard as well as precise calculations of their flight trajectories, but just enough to keep the fanfic from being just a fanfic instead of something of an story of it's own.

Really, it's just terrible, i don't know if it was the translation or what, but in an Finnish translation of some random salvatore book dealing with Drizzt and some odd power scepter, a Demon guy was thinking about how he would level up some once he gained hold of the staff thingy.
Really hilarious to be sure, but sounds terribly nerdy.
I don't think fanfics or other stories relating to premanufactured material should be too tightly bound to the working systems of it, just enough to fit in.



As for the second point, i wanted to clarify that the problem as i see it is mostly just that beyond Anomens temperament and rigid thinking patterns, the party seems to be mostly rid of psychic problems.
Not saying that they should anyhow be an ravening bunch of lunatics on the hunt for the diapers of the gods, but in this aspect i think the game did a fairly good job with all the personality conflicts that arise with different party combinations.
Oh well, i guess the problem is mostly present with Minsc and Jan, the two sidekicks who haven't been focused on as much as the others.



Another thing that came to mind was how Minsc seems to be less than capable of understanding Jans jokes and pranks, but still somehow played his part in mortifying Ano, he just doesn't strike me as the actor type.
Or maybe he was tricked into it, i don't know, but with the data i have present in my head, it seems like a small inconsistency in his character.


Oh, and another thing, a truly minor point, really...
As Vessa landed on the dragons head and started hanging around (snort), it seemed that the rest of the battle kind of fell too far to the background.
Even as the perspective remained outside of Duvhs head, the focus was completely on her struggle.
I think it might have been a nice touch to keep the dragon as well as the rest of the party people active.
Instead of the dragon just flailing about, it could have been flailing about trying to hit, rip or stomp something, and that something could have been moving about and trying to keep the beast busy enough not to have time to rip the larger than average mosquito from it's face.
But that's just a minor thing...



Ehh...
I haven't murdered you with this yet, have i?
Good, tell you what, next time i start criticizing, just shoot me before i'll again go off teaching the bird to fly.

[Psycho Data]

To point numero uno i'll just add that i'm not suggesting... or rather am trying not to suggest extensive descriptions of the colors of each and every magic lightbulb flying from the hands of a wizard as well as precise calculations of their flight trajectories, but just enough to keep the fanfic from being just a fanfic instead of something of an story of it's own.

Really, it's just terrible, i don't know if it was the translation or what, but in an Finnish translation of some random salvatore book dealing with Drizzt and some odd power scepter, a Demon guy was thinking about how he would level up some once he gained hold of the staff thingy.
Really hilarious to be sure, but sounds terribly nerdy.
I don't think fanfics or other stories relating to premanufactured material should be too tightly bound to the working systems of it, just enough to fit in.

Ah, I get you now. I'll have to keep that in mind when I write the next chapters. Thank you.

As for the second point, i wanted to clarify that the problem as i see it is mostly just that beyond Anomens temperament and rigid thinking patterns, the party seems to be mostly rid of psychic problems.
Not saying that they should anyhow be an ravening bunch of lunatics on the hunt for the diapers of the gods, but in this aspect i think the game did a fairly good job with all the personality conflicts that arise with different party combinations.
Oh well, i guess the problem is mostly present with Minsc and Jan, the two sidekicks who haven't been focused on as much as the others.

I myself am disgusted with my lack of ability to characterize Minsc and Jan well. I pretty much assumed that somebody would pick up on that eventually. Minsc is hard to write for because it is difficult to avoid pigeonholing him into the "I MUST BREAK YOU FOR YOU ARE EVIL AND I USE A HAMSTER TO RELATE TO MY WORLD" category. For me, it is also hard to write for somebody who has been mentally incapacitated because, well, I have never been hit in the head that badly and I don't have the experience to write with that voice. However, that might just be because I am still pretty new to this.

Jan is hard for me to write for because he is so enigmatic. I mean, in the game, he mostly goes on with his insane stories involving family members and turnips, but in quite a few places he has something meaningful to say under all of that crazy (his interjections with Saemon, for example.) Then you get his family quest and finally get to see the more serious side of him... I guess it's just hard for me to get into his mind right now. I'm going to see if I can't rectify that flaw.

Another thing that came to mind was how Minsc seems to be less than capable of understanding Jans jokes and pranks, but still somehow played his part in mortifying Ano, he just doesn't strike me as the actor type.
Or maybe he was tricked into it, i don't know, but with the data i have present in my head, it seems like a small inconsistency in his character.

I thought when I wrote, it came across that Minsc thought everyone was being serious. That's why I had him listen in to the conversation when Imoen first told Jan and Jaheira about Anomen breaking up with Vessa. However, I can see what you mean. I'll need to elaborate further.

Oh, and another thing, a truly minor point, really...
As Vessa landed on the dragons head and started hanging around (snort), it seemed that the rest of the battle kind of fell too far to the background.
Even as the perspective remained outside of Duvhs head, the focus was completely on her struggle.
I think it might have been a nice touch to keep the dragon as well as the rest of the party people active.
Instead of the dragon just flailing about, it could have been flailing about trying to hit, rip or stomp something, and that something could have been moving about and trying to keep the beast busy enough not to have time to rip the larger than average mosquito from it's face.
But that's just a minor thing...

Yeah, I rewrote the dragon battle about 5 times and I still wasn't happy with it. It was the first time I had ever written a battle scene. Perhaps in choosing a dragon battle as my first fight scene was a bit arrogant. Heh. It did bother me that the attention focused on Vessa so much, but I thought it would seem more like an adreneline rush if it focused only on her in her dangerous predicament. I think i'll rewrite the battle again now that i'm getting the hang of this fanfic thing. When I do, i'll post it here so you can reread it.

On a side note, was the spider battle any better? I thought that Solaufein kind of faded away too much on that one.

Ehh...
I haven't murdered you with this yet, have i?
Good, tell you what, next time i start criticizing, just shoot me before i'll again go off teaching the bird to fly.

Oh no no no, don't you even worry about it. If I don't keep getting feedback like this, how in the world will my story get any better? I have to improve somehow! Thank you for taking the time to read my fanfic and giving me tips on how to improve it.

[celticrose]

Brava, Brava
Let's here it for more Solaufein stories
You've done some really nice work with him and his soon to be Lady Love.
I look forward to more.

CelticRose

[WeeRLegion]

Mmm, yes, i can see the problem with Minsc...
I guess he wouldn't be a major character in a story of mine either if i ever get it out of my head and into the computer.
I don't know for sure how i could help you with that, but maybe i can at least amuse myself if nothing else by trying to write down some points of my view of his character.
Maybe it'll give you an idea or two, maybe not, well see what it becomes and what it does.


I don't think the head injury is a central part of him, only it's effects, and those are certainly easier to understand than brain physics.
Minsc is highly emotional, simple, serious and has a strong sense of right an wrong, so much is fairly obvious i suppose.
He doesn't understand most kinds of humor; instead of laughing at the joke he might focus on the poor person being the butt of it, and the injustice he is suffering.

He is emotional, but his emotionality is balanced off by positive thinking, loyalty (which in turn is most of the time strengthened by his emotional nature), and his sense of right and wrong (he isn't focused on himself to such an extent as to be prone to abrupt mood swings, focusing more on finding people who need someone to kick the backside of evil for them).

In a way he isn't stupid, that way i see it, it is not so much Boo speaking to him, as it is more something of an intellect retreated to the subconscious sometimes sharing it's insights.

What i consider to be some of the more important parts of his character's development in the game are:
Freeing him from his cell: At first he is angry, but then his emotional side doesn't want to be hurt by an conflict with a friend, so he turns the situation upside down.

The trademeet philosophers: He'll rather do the right thing and face the music than stay out of the business of others.

Jansen interactions: Appealing to his empathy and simplicity of thought Jan time after time manages to trick Minsc, until, if i recall he devlops an chronic case of distrust towards the gnome.

Well, wether that is helpful or not i'll let you decide... I tried!


As for Jan, i guess he's better, i think a key to his character is that in the game he only ever acts seriously in the game when there is imminent danger (trademeet rakshasas for one) but for the rest of the time, he hides his observant side under the fairytales.
But if you have what it takes to write all those insane stories of his (a commendable accomplishement ), then he shouldn't be such an tough character to handle.


Yesterday i happened to check out this temple of Oghma sticky post at the top of this part of the forum...
There was this link to this certain article about writing evil characters, through which one could navigate to another article about good characters.
Maybe you've read it?
If not, i suggest you do, it's fairly short and has an intresting viewpoint, one that you might find helpful.
http://www.writing.c.../item_id/867561




Returning then to the dragon battle...
I think the main problem was that as the rest of the battle was left without attention it turned the dragon into an somewhat nonpersonal object, something more of an robotic piece moving around without intent.
Maybe the adrenaline rush effect could be maintained even without such focus if you kept the references to "outside" matters as hazy and hasty, focusing on Vessa's trouble with making observations of her surroundings (with the intense pain in her arm) while referring to such observations.

Also, while Vessa certainly is focusing on the dragon, the dragon seems to pay her little attention, just whipping it's head about a little.



As for the spider encounter.
I loved the tension buildup before the battle, truly i did.

As for the battle itself, there were a few phrases that i observed as clumsy.

For one, the spiders webbing the entire group.
Certainly if you take it as a reference to the web spell, it can be understood, but generally, the impression it gives is that they succeeded in webbing the entire group, which doesn't seem to be the intended idea.

As for Minsc slipping easily into an Berserker Rage, i think it'd have been more intresting to hear why he berserked, not how he did it; for him berserking seems to be more like something he does when he's mad, not something he calmly chooses to.

Then comes Vessa who "deals" with a spider to distract it.
It may be just my ear, but to me "deal" in this context sounds more like killing and less like distracting.

Something i picked up reading one of Oghma writings at the sticky thingy blaahblaah: One should avoid using "Be" words, like "was", from a narrative point of view --
"the first spider to receive their attentions was the one that was tormenting Imoen" Or
"the first spider to receive their attentions was the one tormenting Imoen"

Another thing was that rather than adverbs one should use stronger verbs.


Hmmh... I'm noticing excessive use of quickly here.
Spiders fall quickly, Anomen heals wounds quickly, Jaheira summons Bears quickly...


Now let's pick this thing apart:
"The two stunned spiders had recovered during this time, regenerated by the death of their kin, and one had pinned Vessa to the ground. The other spider had gone after Jaheira, only to be distracted by a bear she had summoned quickly."

This may be a matter of preference, but i think this would sound more intresting like this:
"Meanwhile, the two stunned spiders had recovered, strengthened by the death of their kin.
One pinned Vessa to the ground while the other went after Jaheira, only to be distracted by a bear she hastily summoned."


And here i take another paraphrasementicational measure to aid you on your way to greatness:
"Just as the creature made to bite her once more, Minsc threw himself at the spider, actually knocking it over, landing on top of it, and stabbing through the thing?s tough carapace with Lilarcor."

"Just as the spider made to bite her once more, Minsc threw himself at the creature, knocking it over, landing on it's skywards facing belly, and stabbing through the thing?s tough carapace with Lilarcor."


Oh, and i think you could have used something stronger than "...be done before the attack began."
Onslaught, assault... Something such.


So, ahh, it works, but amateurish little me finds it to be somewhat clumsy when viewed with an extra critical eye as i generally do when specifically asked to focus on something.
Really, i don't think i noticed any of the things i'm pointing at here on my first read through.

[Psycho Data]

Brava, Brava
Let's here it for more Solaufein stories
You've done some really nice work with him and his soon to be Lady Love.
I look forward to more.

CelticRose

Aw gee, and here I thought I wasn't being blatantly obvious in my subtle hinting that Solaufein and Vessa fancy eachother.

Thank you for the support! Gives me motivation.

[Psycho Data]

Wooohooo! This is all going to help immensely. Thank you!

Mmm, yes, i can see the problem with Minsc...
I guess he wouldn't be a major character in a story of mine either if i ever get it out of my head and into the computer.
I don't know for sure how i could help you with that, but maybe i can at least amuse myself if nothing else by trying to write down some points of my view of his character.
Maybe it'll give you an idea or two, maybe not, well see what it becomes and what it does.


I don't think the head injury is a central part of him, only it's effects, and those are certainly easier to understand than brain physics.
Minsc is highly emotional, simple, serious and has a strong sense of right an wrong, so much is fairly obvious i suppose.
He doesn't understand most kinds of humor; instead of laughing at the joke he might focus on the poor person being the butt of it, and the injustice he is suffering.

He is emotional, but his emotionality is balanced off by positive thinking, loyalty (which in turn is most of the time strengthened by his emotional nature), and his sense of right and wrong (he isn't focused on himself to such an extent as to be prone to abrupt mood swings, focusing more on finding people who need someone to kick the backside of evil for them).

In a way he isn't stupid, that way i see it, it is not so much Boo speaking to him, as it is more something of an intellect retreated to the subconscious sometimes sharing it's insights.

What i consider to be some of the more important parts of his character's development in the game are:
Freeing him from his cell: At first he is angry, but then his emotional side doesn't want to be hurt by an conflict with a friend, so he turns the situation upside down.

The trademeet philosophers: He'll rather do the right thing and face the music than stay out of the business of others.

Jansen interactions: Appealing to his empathy and simplicity of thought Jan time after time manages to trick Minsc, until, if i recall he devlops an chronic case of distrust towards the gnome.

Well, wether that is helpful or not i'll let you decide... I tried!

That helps more than you know.

As for Jan, i guess he's better, i think a key to his character is that in the game he only ever acts seriously in the game when there is imminent danger (trademeet rakshasas for one) but for the rest of the time, he hides his observant side under the fairytales.
But if you have what it takes to write all those insane stories of his (a commendable accomplishement ), then he shouldn't be such an tough character to handle.

Heh, I can pull insane stories out of my armpit. In fact, It reminds me of the time my Aunt Gertrude's second cousin's brother's son got stuck in a mine field while attempting to prepare the world's largest Cherries Jubilee...

Yesterday i happened to check out this temple of Oghma sticky post at the top of this part of the forum...
There was this link to this certain article about writing evil characters, through which one could navigate to another article about good characters.
Maybe you've read it?
If not, i suggest you do, it's fairly short and has an intresting viewpoint, one that you might find helpful.
http://www.writing.c.../item_id/867561

Going to go check that out.

Returning then to the dragon battle...
I think the main problem was that as the rest of the battle was left without attention it turned the dragon into an somewhat nonpersonal object, something more of an robotic piece moving around without intent.
Maybe the adrenaline rush effect could be maintained even without such focus if you kept the references to "outside" matters as hazy and hasty, focusing on Vessa's trouble with making observations of her surroundings (with the intense pain in her arm) while referring to such observations.

Also, while Vessa certainly is focusing on the dragon, the dragon seems to pay her little attention, just whipping it's head about a little.

I'm going to rewrite the entire thing when I get time. Thanks for the tips.

As for the spider encounter.
I loved the tension buildup before the battle, truly i did.

As for the battle itself, there were a few phrases that i observed as clumsy.

For one, the spiders webbing the entire group.
Certainly if you take it as a reference to the web spell, it can be understood, but generally, the impression it gives is that they succeeded in webbing the entire group, which doesn't seem to be the intended idea.

As for Minsc slipping easily into an Berserker Rage, i think it'd have been more intresting to hear why he berserked, not how he did it; for him berserking seems to be more like something he does when he's mad, not something he calmly chooses to.

Then comes Vessa who "deals" with a spider to distract it.
It may be just my ear, but to me "deal" in this context sounds more like killing and less like distracting.

Something i picked up reading one of Oghma writings at the sticky thingy blaahblaah: One should avoid using "Be" words, like "was", from a narrative point of view --
"the first spider to receive their attentions was the one that was tormenting Imoen" Or
"the first spider to receive their attentions was the one tormenting Imoen"

Another thing was that rather than adverbs one should use stronger verbs.

Ok, taking a note of that and remembering to apply that to all future writing and editing.

Hmmh... I'm noticing excessive use of quickly here.
Spiders fall quickly, Anomen heals wounds quickly, Jaheira summons Bears quickly...

Ooops...Gah! Knew I forgot something! I didn't proofread that particular chapter as much as I should have. I'll need to go fix that.

Now let's pick this thing apart:
"The two stunned spiders had recovered during this time, regenerated by the death of their kin, and one had pinned Vessa to the ground. The other spider had gone after Jaheira, only to be distracted by a bear she had summoned quickly."

This may be a matter of preference, but i think this would sound more intresting like this:
"Meanwhile, the two stunned spiders had recovered, strengthened by the death of their kin.
One pinned Vessa to the ground while the other went after Jaheira, only to be distracted by a bear she hastily summoned."


And here i take another paraphrasementicational measure to aid you on your way to greatness:
"Just as the creature made to bite her once more, Minsc threw himself at the spider, actually knocking it over, landing on top of it, and stabbing through the thing?s tough carapace with Lilarcor."

"Just as the spider made to bite her once more, Minsc threw himself at the creature, knocking it over, landing on it's skywards facing belly, and stabbing through the thing?s tough carapace with Lilarcor."


Oh, and i think you could have used something stronger than "...be done before the attack began."
Onslaught, assault... Something such.


So, ahh, it works, but amateurish little me finds it to be somewhat clumsy when viewed with an extra critical eye as i generally do when specifically asked to focus on something.
Really, i don't think i noticed any of the things i'm pointing at here on my first read through.

Thanks for all of the suggestions. That is going to help.

[WeeRLegion]

Glad to be of assistance.

...

Can i have a cookie now?

[Psycho Data]

Glad to be of assistance.

...

Can i have a cookie now?

Can it burn with the fires of a thousand hells?

[Shadowhawke]

Glad to be of assistance.

...

Can i have a cookie now?

Can it burn with the fires of a thousand hells?

A *chilli* cookie, eh?