Interesting.
It captured my attention right away, but sadly, it waned. I think it may have been the jumping around of the storyline. I would like to have seen more about what happened between the Dungeon and the Assylum.
Are you going to continue it? The story has magnificent potential, and you could really run with it.
Good work otherwise
Comments on "Mouse in a Maze"
Started by Jolyth, Mar 25 2006 12:49 PM
3 replies to this topic
#1
Jolyth
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Feather Boa Wielding Dominatrix
Posted 25 March 2006 - 12:49 PM
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Champagne in one hand, strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOOHOO! What a Ride!
Some people are like slinkies. They are not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs!!
Dyslexia of Borg: Your ass will be laminated
Solaufein Flirt Pack
#2
Celestine
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- Modder
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- 4538 posts
Elven Maiden
Posted 28 March 2006 - 01:24 AM
Ooh, Khalid, I certainly didn't see that one coming... =)
#3
Shadowhawke
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Starlight Seeker
Posted 28 March 2006 - 01:53 AM
This is an excellent idea, LittleDragon. 
. I must say I've always felt sorry for Khalid as well and wished I could bring him back to life again. However, I must agree with Jolyth that it jumps around a lot and is very disjointed. If you're trying to get across the confusion and shakiness, you're doing well but maybe you can still ease up on things and fill in the holes, I'm sure you'll still get those feelings across with less disjointedness.
. I must say I've always felt sorry for Khalid as well and wished I could bring him back to life again. However, I must agree with Jolyth that it jumps around a lot and is very disjointed. If you're trying to get across the confusion and shakiness, you're doing well but maybe you can still ease up on things and fill in the holes, I'm sure you'll still get those feelings across with less disjointedness.
Through lightning, travel shadow,
Through hell and all above,
Surviving sword and arrow,
Bound stronger by the love
***
And in the end a witness,
To where the death has lain,
Silent through the sorrow,
Where innocents lie slain
#4
Little Dragon
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Die Gedanken sind frei
Posted 28 March 2006 - 09:12 PM
The story was a bit rushed, and I agree that it could be fleshed out a lot more, but I don't think I'll be rewriting it soon, too many others things on the go right now. I was just replaying the game, and cursing again at Khalid's death, when the idea came to me.Interesting.
It captured my attention right away, but sadly, it waned. I think it may have been the jumping around of the storyline. I would like to have seen more about what happened between the Dungeon and the Assylum.
Are you going to continue it? The story has magnificent potential, and you could really run with it.
Good work otherwise
Ah, good, you wern't supposed to.Ooh, Khalid, I certainly didn't see that one coming... =)
If Heritage goes on long enough, I might rewrite this story to get Khalid into it. I was mainly interested in how plausible the idea of Khalid surviving Irenicus' dungeon was.This is an excellent idea, LittleDragon.
"There was only one catch and that was Catch-22"
Joseph Heller, Catch-22 (1955)
Joseph Heller, Catch-22 (1955)
