34 replies to this topic

[Erephine]

It's lovely that you're going to give it another try. It is/was an incredibly beautiful story (concept?), and I'd absolutely hate to see it die. I hope you'll be happier with the way it evolves this time.

Don't make us wait again, mm?

[Little Dragon]

Should have left the old one up so we could compare, anyways:

Great place to start a story, right in the action. It's obvious the party is comfortable with each other, you just don't get that degree of banter between strangers.

[Vita Muerte]

So far your character interaction, imagery, and narration are working seamlessly in your story. I hope you like the new direction you?re taking.

[Shadowhawke]

It's lovely that you're going to give it another try. It is/was an incredibly beautiful  story (concept?), and I'd absolutely hate to see it die. I hope you'll be happier with the way it evolves this time.   

Don't make us wait again, mm? 

Thanks Lightspeed. . It was a difficult story to write at first, but I'm getting there, thanks to all of the support. I'll be posting the second chapter soon, have no fear of that.

[Shadowhawke]

Should have left the old one up so we could compare, anyways:

Great place to start a story, right in the action.  It's obvious the party is comfortable with each other, you just don't get that degree of banter between strangers.

Heh, the old one was becoming too embarassing. Substituting quality for quantity is never a good thing. But I'm glad that you like the beginning. Hopefully you'll enjoy the rest of it...

So far your character interaction, imagery, and narration are working seamlessly in your story. I hope you like the new direction you?re taking.

Thankyou, Vita Muerte. . And remember all of you, feel free to criticize if you see anything you feel is wrong or strange so I can take it into account. .

[Vita Muerte]

Sorry I've been slow at reviewing.  It seems summer caught up with me: places to go and people to meet.  It turns out my brain turned to mush as well.  (It's the damnable heatwave I tell ya.) :glare:

Have you read IT by Stephen King?  This happens to be my favorite childhood story, and Starlight reminds me of it... the gang's dynamic is what draws me to it.   (Yeah, I'm a sucker for 'us against the world' type stories. )

[Shadowhawke]

No, I haven't, but I'll be sure to read it now you've mentioned it. . Don't worry, I think everyone knows what summer is like! Thanks for posting anyway . And on a sidenote, if you like those kinds of books, be sure to read all of Marcus Zusak's brilliant novels.

[Erephine]

I'm... so sorry for having been unable to comment more.

Very interesting take on the new direction you're taking this time... I... think it's quite a bit more directly to the point, hmm?

One thing that confused me a bit - is the door opened twice, or is this an intentional element?

The sound of the hinges slowly creaking as the door opened was the best sound she?d heard in? days? months? years?. she smiled crookedly at the thought.

[...]

?Sure thing?? Imoen drew out a thin lockpick, quickly inserting it, making minute moves until an audible click signalled her success. The door?s hinges creaked slowly open, and she stumbled out, nearly crashing into Imoen in her haste to escape the smooth steel bars that had caged her for the Gods knew how long.

Aye...

The overall "build" is lovely, excellently written; I simply adore your style. ^.^

I hope you're having a nice time on camp

[Shadowhawke]

Thanks Lightspeed. . Yes, I guess this new approach is a little more direct to the point, but I guess that the meaning of what was happening was kind of obvious anyway, so clumsily trying to turn it into a plot twist like last time flopped. . And about the door... sorry! That was a little mistake I made... she was supposed to imagine the door opening first, and then... yes. I've changed it now, thanks. . I'm glad you like it. . And yes, I had an awesome time on camp, and it was wonderful coming back to read your post.

Edit:

Edited by Shadowhawke, 26 August 2005 - 05:41 PM.

[Erephine]

No need to apologize.

I thought that's what you meant, anyway, but it had me a bit confused.

And stop being so harsh on your "old" version! While it was a somewhat slower, and more obvious approach, it was anything but clumsy.

More soon, I trust?

[Erephine]

I'm speechless.

It's... lovely! Very, very touching and emotional work there!

[Shadowhawke]

Thanks Lightspeed. I really enjoyed writing that chapter...

[Erephine]

Nice work on chapter VII... I especially like how the changes from "canon" allow us to speculate about the context and meaning behind it.

[Erephine]

Small inconsistency here: Minsc never mentions Irenicus' name, but Yoshimo makes a direct reference to it, and uses that knowledge in the next paragraph (Well, not that he wouldn't know, but his question makes it clear the name should've been mentioned).

?Wait,? Minsc interrupted. ?Do you mean to say the evil captured you as well??

?Is that his name?? the Kara-Turan said softly. ?Well then, yes.?

?You want to take revenge, don?t you?? Sahara asked bluntly.

Yoshimo looked at the kensai quietly. ?This is very strange for me,? he admitted. ?Seven days ago, I blacked out, and then woke up in a hell. I do not know why this Irenicus took me, but all I know is that it hurt. Yes, I want revenge. And seeing as you survived the hellhole? from listening to you talk I assume you want revenge as well. And to find the girl who was taken with him.?

Other than that, I absolutely love your changes once again.

The inner struggle really draws you into the story, even more so than before, and you tell it incredibly well!

[Project_Entry]

Cliffhanger whee Can't wait for the next chapter, it's a really good story. Lovely writing and an equally good plot,

[Shadowhawke]

Small inconsistency here:  Minsc never mentions Irenicus' name, but Yoshimo makes a direct reference to it, and uses that knowledge in the next paragraph (Well, not that he wouldn't know, but his question makes it clear the name should've been mentioned). 

Other than that, I absolutely love your changes once again.   

The inner struggle really draws you into the story, even more so than before, and you tell it incredibly well! 

Thanks for picking that up Lightspeed. . Yes, I did actually rewrite that and didn't pick up the discrepancies >.<. That's been corrected now, so thank-you again. . I'm glad that you're liking it this time around. . I'm enjoying writing it even more.

[Shadowhawke]

Cliffhanger whee Can't wait for the next chapter, it's a really good story. Lovely writing and an equally good plot,

Heh, thanks Proj. . I'm glad you like it. Hopefully, the next chapter should be up soon.

[Erephine]

Nice rewrite!

There's not really much specific to comment on this one, I guess... since it's one of those closer to the original...

[Shadowhawke]

Nice rewrite! 

There's not really much specific to comment on this one, I guess... since it's one of those closer to the original... 

Thanks. . I know it's very close to the original, but I did have fun changing the tone of this chapter a little, and played around with a few of the characters. I'm glad you liked the rewrite, though!

[Little Dragon]

Finally had time to read your latest chapters; I don't really have a clue what's really going on (more than Damaris just hallucinating I'm sure), but I am looking forwards to seeing where the plot ends up.