227 replies to this topic

[Erephine]

I feel we needed this thread

Anyway, I like the latest contribution by MantraSong

'cept the beginning should make it a bit more clear that time has passed - we get straight from the action to "he shook his head and walked over" - for all the reader knows it might still be raining, and he running around

[Thrain]

coming along nicely.

[MantraSong]

I edited it, is it any better?

[Erephine]

Definately

Latest contribution by Shadowhawke's very nice as well

Only bit is
"Slowly, she felt herself slipping. The pool of darkness engulfed her just as she tried to wrench away. Almost hypnotically, he reached over, and she screamed soundlessly, but he only placed it on her shoulder."

Isn't there something missing?

Edited by Lightspeed, 30 August 2004 - 08:22 AM.

[Shed]

Quality! I started what may be a really good story! I will get the old creative juices going and then I will contribute myself!

[Erephine]

Very good MantraSong.

I'd change one tiny bit though:

, I was a young man much like you are now. I was

to

, I was young and innocent, much like you are now. I was

Bethal is no young man

[psiclops]

Maybe she's very boyish looking?

Btw Lightspeed, you are incredibly valuable...

[Erephine]

My writing skill isn't, though.

Edited by Lightspeed, 30 August 2004 - 08:56 PM.

[Shadowhawke]

Oh dear, Lightspeed. . How can we convince you that your writing skills are invaluable?

[Shadowhawke]

Definately

Latest contribution by Shadowhawke's very nice as well

Only bit is
"Slowly, she felt herself slipping. The pool of darkness engulfed her just as she tried to wrench away. Almost hypnotically, he reached over, and she screamed soundlessly, but he only placed it on her shoulder."

Isn't there something missing?

And... er... sorry Lightspeed/ *blush* but I can't see what's missing.

[psiclops]

Hi everyone. This post is mainly directed at Shadowhawke, but anyone may partake at their respective pleasure...

I see Shadowhawke added to the communal fanfic, so I thought I'd have a look. I'd previously reached Shed's cliffhanger:


He turned to look Bethal in her pretty green eyes, and said something which almost made her choke:


I realised immediately I had to avert my attention from the story, lest I write something terrible, so I'm relieved to know we've moved on!


I just wanted to say hi Shadowhawke, and offer two opinions:


"You're too trusting, little Bethal," the stranger sighed.


Is, and was perfection.



...she could not tell if they were real or if she was only hallucinating them.


I think this is better either:

...she could not tell if they were real, or mere hallucinations.

or

...she could not tell if they were real or if she was only imagining them.

or

...she could not tell if they were real or imagined.

or

...she could not tell if they existed through the fear that twisted her thoughts, blurring the lines between conciousness and dreaming.


I really like this story and Jolyth's "The Tangled Web", but that's all I have time for. Keep it up everyone, it's going really well. :thumb:

[MantraSong]

I have three suggestions I might make to shadowhake.
The first is to change one of the suspiciouslys in this sentence
Suspiciously, Bethal moved, and found to her surprise she could. Quickly, she snatched up her things, but then looked suspiciously at him.

The second is here:
Her green, green eyes looked into his almost pleadingly now. "Let me help you."

Even with the bind, thats a fast change to make, I would suggest either changing it to just "I'll help you", or setting up the change more.

Lastly, change

It was the first time he'd smiled since ten years ago.
To
It was the first time he?d smiled in ten years

Edited by MantraSong, 31 August 2004 - 05:30 AM.

[psiclops]

If you want to still point to the importance of the earlier event I like Shadowhawke's longer sentence structure though. What about...

It was the first time he'd smiled since that day, ten years earlier.

or a switch...

He felt as though ten years had passed since his last memory of smiling.

[Deva]

If you want to still point to the importance of the earlier event I like Shadowhawke's longer sentence structure though. What about...

It was the first time he'd smiled since that day, ten years earlier.

or a switch...

He felt as though ten years had passed since his last memory of smiling.

Actually, I presum it is merely meant to refer to a particular day in his past which he remembered for being really happy, instead of an expression referring to how little he smiles... I think..

(By the way, my last contribution was pretty bad, so any suggested improvements would be very much welcomed..)

[psiclops]

If you want to still point to the importance of the earlier event I like Shadowhawke's longer sentence structure though.

By 'point', I meant acknowledge that it had been a particularly happy day, without stressing the fact.

And my sentence should have started, "If you still want to point..." Go me. :thumb:

Actually, I presume it is merely meant to refer to a particular day in his past which he remembered for being really happy, instead of an expression referring to how little he smiles...

Sorry (!) Hishi, I don't agree with you. Here's the original:

It was the first time he'd smiled since ten years ago.

Shadowhawke's version of the sentence, as I read it, is also suggesting he doesn't smile much, as well as highlighting the day. To cater for your perspective on the original, my first suggestion increases the emphasis placed on that day in particular. My version may be hard to read, I don't know.

I offered the second example, to place the emphasis on fallible emotions and memories.
I'd recommend the second example personally. It can be risky to claim outright that a character hasn't smiled for ten years. He may have smiled to himself without thinking for example, and suggesting otherwise makes a character less 'believable'. It's an 'unnecessary-risk' phrase, obscuring a better solution.

I don't see what you're saying sorry. I don't think we're on the same page.

Edited by psiclops, 05 September 2004 - 12:19 AM.

[Erephine]

I love the new contribiutions

[MantraSong]

I think she should sustain brain damage if she passes out again

[Deva]

Yeah.. I think we need to stop with the passing out.. poor girl...

[Erephine]

No.

She can get brain damage (would make for a cool plot, huh).

But yes, that's the way the "device" (i.e. the necklace) is/was supposed to work.

Cool addition btw, Hishi.

Edited by Lightspeed, 01 September 2004 - 01:27 PM.