Oh my god, they killed Aerie

So this is an extremely wacky, parodical piece. As the title suggests, it makes fun of Aerie (and some other LG characters, like Anomen ). It's all in fun though (I happen to like Aerie pretty well).

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(Scene: A suburban street in a snowy mountain town. Two bundled-up boys are making a snowman. A third, really fat kid comes running up).

Cartman: Hey! You guys! You hafta come see this. Seriously, guys!

Stan: What the hell is is this time, Cartman?

Kyle: Is it something that got stuck up your big fat ass?

Cartman (turning beet red): SHUT THE HELL UP, JEW!

Stan: What the hell has gotten into you, Cartman?

Kyle: I don't know, but I sure as hell am not gonna climb up his fat ass to get it out.

Cartman: You guys, I found this video that my mother's friend left over. It's soooo sweet. (hands videotape to Stan)

Stan (reading): Terrance & Philip Present Aerietality: The Outtakes.

Kyle: Whoa!

(five minutes later, in Cartman's living room, the three boys are sitting on the couch).

Cartman's Mom (poking head in room): Ohhh, sweetykins. I made your favorite...chocolate pancake pizza fried avariel delight!

Carmtan: Mommmmm!! Shut the hell up! Can't you see we're trying watch the !#$$#%$#@### show!?!?! (voice trails off in a scene of obscenities)

(On the screen, Terrence & Philip)

Terrence: Hello, Philip! You said you had something you wanted to show me?

Philip: Yes I did Terrence. (jumps up and farts in Terrence's face)

(Terrence and Philip laugh)

Philip: I wanted to show you some outtakes from our new movie, Shadows of Ass.

Terrence: Oh, goodie! I'm so happy I could...

(Terrence farts, he and Philip laugh uncontrollably)

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Director: Take 1!

(Scene: The opulent, garish, squeaky-clean, tithe-and-tax-funded chambers of the Most Noble Order of the Radiant Heart).

(Aerie comes rushing in through the front doors, quite out of breath, wheezing ashmathically)

Aerie: Oh, help! Help! It's *terrrrrrrrrible*! (stained glass shatters). Vile *evil* people have been attacking helpless little *moi*.

(Anomen comes rushing up)

Anomen: By Helm! A cute, small, skinny, fair-skinned and blonde lawful good woman is in trouble! A paragaon damsel in distress! (How can a sexually repressed male knight resist?) I simply *must* prove my worth (by which I mean continue my futile pursuit to triumph over my own quasi-Freudian insecurities stemming from my unhappy childhood and *ahem* modest endowments) by coming to her aid, as a true knight in shining armor would! Sound the alarms!

Aerie (swoons): Oh, my hero!

Anomen: But point out to me the vile beings that hath dared to disgrace such a sweet and innocent and good being as thee, fair Aerie, and I shall with Helm as my witness smite them with righteous might!

(portal opens, and two men step through; Shao Kahn, a large muscular man in a skull-helmet, and Shang Tsung, a sorcerer in a fu man chu beard)

Aerie: Ooooh! It's Shao Kahn! (He's going to propose! He wants me to be his Empress of Outworld! I just *knew* Sindel couldn't last. Why, she's 10,000 years old! And she's not even blonde!)

(Shao Kahn and Shang Tsung wince, holding hands over ears)

Anomen: (looking up at Shao Kahn, his armored knees knocking with hollow metallic sounds) Gasp! 'Tis a foul evil overlord from another dimension. BY HELM, I SHALL SMITE THEE! (charges, clumsily wielding mace)

Shao Kahn: YOU WEAK PATHETIC FOOL! YOU WILL DIE, MORTAL!

(Shao Kahn blurs with green energy as he charges across the room. He knocks Anomen to the ground, then pulls out a massive hammer and smashes him to a bloody pulp).

Shang Tsung: Brutality! Good one, boss!

Shao Kahn: THAT WAS PATHETIC! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! (disappears in a puff of Bad Guy Getaway Smoke)

Aerie: What? Shao Kahn *didn't* propose? Well, if he doesn't appreciate me for how sweet and good and beautiful I am, he doesn't deserve me! Hmmmpf! (looks connivingly at Shang Tsung). Ooh, Shangy....

Shang Tsung (who was trying to sneak out the door): Eh?

Aerie: *You* love me don't you? A sorcerer as all-knowing as you simply *must* be able to appreciate all the deep incatracies of how wonderful I am! R-right?

Shang Tsung: Hmmm.... (grins hungrily and rubs hands together) Well, Aerie you do have a beautiful soul.

Aerie: Oh, Shangy, you're so wonderful! I *knew* you'd underst-

Shang Tsung: YOUR SOUL IS MINE!

(sticks arm out, green energy radiates from his hand, Aerie's soul is ripped from her body, sails into Shang Tsung's palm, and he closes his hand around it. Her body shrivels up into a gooey skeleton).

Shang Tsung: Fatality! Hahahah!!! Wait...what's that voice.....in my head..... (holds head)

Aerie's Soul's Voice Inside Shang Tsung's Head: It's so d-dark in here! Where am I? W-where's the knight in shining armor to rescue me? It's t-to dark for people to see how beautiful I am! This isn't fair! WAAAAAHHHH! I WANT MY PALYDIN!!! WAAAH!!!

Shang Tsung (holding head in great agony): AAH!!!! GET IT OUT! I SHOULD NEVER HAVE CONSUMED *HER* SOUL!!!! AHHH! HELP!

(Shang Tsung morphs into Aerie, pulls out a hammer and beats himself/Aerie into a bloody pulp)

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Director: Take 2!

(Aerie comes running into the Radiant Heart, screaming for help so loud it breaks the stained glass and makes the statues cry blood.)

Keldorn Firecam: Sweet Torm! A teenaged blonde chick in distress! Such a cause as this is reason enough to raise even my disused old sword (*ahem*) to the task!

Aerie (swoons): Oh, my hero! (He looks soooo much like George Clooney...wow!!!) Ohhh, Keldie! A foul drow witch has been *tormenting* me! It's horrible! (mock-faints)

Keldorn: Tis what I hear true? A dark elf is displeasing a fair one? In the name of Torm, justice must be done!

(An orange ninja teleports out of nowhere, and a green ninja suddenly becomes visible. Aerie shrieks at the top of her lungs)

Scorpion (pulls off orange ninja mask to reveal skull head): I don't even have ears, and this is painful!

Reptile (pulls off green ninja mask to reveal reptilian head): Ssseriously! Last time ssshe tried sssinging, it drove my race extinct!

Keldorn: (flipping through Paly Handbook, muttering to himsef): Hmmm, Skull For Head = Evil, check. Scaly Skin = Evil, check...(raises voice) 'Tis a foul hellpsawn wraith and a primitive cold-blooded beast! I shall cleanse Toril of thee! (charges ninjas)

(Reptile spits acid into Keldorn's face, blinding him. He then lashes his long tongue around Keldorn's neck, pulls off his head, and devours it whole.)

Reptile (munching): Hmmm, I'd say the meat is past its prime, but not bad....I do like brains though, and I'm left rather disappointed.

Aerie: Y-you stupid brutes! Don't you understand anything!? Keldorn and I are the good guys! *We're* supposed to win! THE GOOD PEOPLE ALWAYS WIN! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? CAN'T YOU SEE HOW PRETTY I AM!? THE PRETTY GIRL IS *ALWAYS* THE PROTAGANIST, OR HIS LOVE INTEREST! DON'T YOU KNOW ANYT-

(Scorpion hurls a spear at Aerie, which plunges all the way through her flat chest. As he reels the spear back in on its rope, she spurts gratuitous quantities of blood, and once she is in range Scorpion opens his jawbone and breathes fire on her. After the flame clears, all that is left is a tiny blackened skeleton.)

Reptile: No loss, there was hardly any meat on that one anyway. Or brains...

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Director: Take 3!

(Aerie comes running into the Radiant Heart, screaming for help so loud the stained glass breaks, the statues cry blood, and the Order clerical staff writhes in agony)

Mazzy Fenton: By Arvoreen! A fellow LG femme in trouble! A quest is at hand which shall stroke my ego which my stature (or lack thereof) has rendered so very fragile!

Aerie (looks down at Mazzy): (B-but, she's n-not even a human!! Only humans can be *real* paladins! Halflings are so...short! And with those big, hairy, smelly feet. Ewwwwwww.....do I *really* hafta have *her* as my knight in shining armor? God, this is like *so* not fair!)

(Voice from the Shadows): We can make *short* work of her for you.

(Two figures step out from behind a gaudy statue. One is a blue ninja, the other a burly man with one cybernetic eye).

Aerie: Oh g-goo- uh, I mean, oh, help me Mazzy! Please smite them for helpless little me!

Mazzy: ARVOREEN'S WRATH SMITE THEE! (charges on her stubby legs)

(The blue ninja, Sub-Zero, sticks his palms out together and shoots a freeze ray which turns Mazzy into a popsicle. He flips over to her and punches through his new ice sculpture, shattering it).

Aerie: T-thank y-...uh, you meanie! You're an evil little ninja! Go back where you came from before I shriek for my cutie-pie an he smites you!

Kano: Actually, Aerie, I have a confession to make. You see, I couldn't help noticing you and..

Aerie: Oh! he *noticed* me. Hmmm, well maybe *he* isn't evil. After all, how could anyone who understands the subtle nuances of how perfect and angelic and pitiable I am be evil? (Unless, of course, they fancied someone else more, in which case...)

Kano (his organic eye twitching in pain as Aerie babbles): Aerie, I have come to ask for your heart.

Aerie: Oh joy! Kano, you're so wonderful! Not as wonderful as me of course, but good enough to recognize that *I* am have the biggest heart and am better than everyone, which makes you the next best th-AIIEE!!!

(Kano plunges his hand into Aerie's chest, rips out her heart and holds it aloft. Her body falls to the ground, and he quickly disintegrates it with a red laser beam from his cybernetic eye).

Kano (looking at heart): Hmmm, actually it's not very big at all.

Sub-Zero: Yes, in fact her heart only has space for herself.

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Director: Take 4!

(Aerie comes running into the Radiant Heart, screaming for help so loud the stained glass breaks, the statues cry blood, the Order clerical staff writhes in agony, and cracks radiate across the marble columns and floor)

Aerie: HEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, my love, my lord, my knight in shining armor, wherefore art thou?

(Aerie stands there awkwardly, as nothing happens for a full minute)

Director: Cut, cut, cut! (holds up megaphone) JOHNY, WHERE ARE YOU? YOU'RE ON!

(some crashing noises are heard in one of the offices, and a barechested grinning man in black pants and sunglasses pops out a second later).

Johny Cage: Sorry Steve! Uh, *ahem*......Fie! Tis my love in peril! I have not rescued thee from hell only to have minions of darkness steal thee from me! I shall.....

Director: Johny, your costume....you know, the armor, the holy avenger...?

Johny Cage (looks down at self): Eh....

Direcotr (sighing): Okay, look. Aerie here is the helpless damsel in distress. *You* are the protaganist and her savior, a knight in shining armor. I emphasize the *shining armor* bit.

Johny Cage: Well, I waxed my chest...it's pretty shiny...

Director: This isn't your love scene. This is the...

Johny Cage: (stares in horror at Aerie): What? A love scene with *that* thing!?!?!?!?! This was never in my contract!

(a ponytailed woman in green spandex walks out of the same office Johny Cage came out of)

Sonya Blade: What the...?

Aerie (jumping up and down, throwing hissy fit): What's *she* doing here? He's supposed to be mine! Mine! Minemineminemineminemineminemine.....

(Johny Cage slides across the room with a shadow kick that plunges all the way through Aerie's chest. After his foot sticks out her back, be pulls it out again and wipes her lungs off his boot. Sonya then breathes fire over Aerie and burns her to Avariel Toast).

Johny Cage: Toasty! At least she finally got her wish to be hot.

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Director: Let's try another scene!

(Scene: A calm blue ocean and a sunny blue sky. A large cruise liner floats upon it. On the prow deck are two lawn chairs. One seats a man in blue dragonscale-motif trunks, the other a half-elven lady in a green leaf-motif bikini).

(Aerie runs up the deck)

Aerie: What's going on here?!?!?

Man (sitting up from lawnchair): Dowhat?

Jaheira (sits up from other lawnchair): Begone, child!

Aerie: W-what is going on? That's not J-Jaheira, is it?

Jaheira (sighs): I see you astounding powers of perception haven't waned at all.

Aerie (beginning to sob and throw a temper tantrum at the man): B-but this isn't how it was s-supposed to be! You love *me*! You're a mighty & perfect lawful good paladin with a heroic reputation and *I* am the sweet, virginal little lawful good blonde elf maiden that you valiantly rescue and then take under your wing and gradually nuture from a helpless damsel into a powerful mage-priestess fiance under the auspices of the 'You Are My Wings Now' metaphor! DON'T YOU GET IT!!?? I HAVE A MORE TRAGIC PAST THAN JAHEIRA OR VICONIA OR ANYONE ELSE!! IT MAKES THE BEST STORY AND MORE IMPORTANTLY I DESERVE IT THE MOST! YOU ARE THE PERFECT HERO AND I AM THE PERFECT LOVE INTEREST AND THAT'S HOW IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE! WAAAAAHHHHH!!!! IT'S NOT FAAIIRRRR.....

Man (with a mock look of surprise, pointing over Aerie's shoulder): Omigod! Look - it's Britney Spears!

Aerie (spinning around, making ear-piercing screams of excitement): BRITNEY!!!!! OHHHHH MY GODDD!!! What, where? Huh-

(Jaheira gets up from his chair and pushes Aerie over the railing of the ship.)

Aerie: AIEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (her screams causes porthole windows to shatter on the way down)

(right before Aerie hits the water, a shark sticks his head out, opens wide, and chomps Aerie to bits in his many rows of teeth. The shark then turns green, and spits it all back out).

Jaws: P-TOOEY!!! UGH!!! This crap is *far* to saccharine for me. (looks down at the mangled Aerie-barf now floating in the water). Oh no! I've polluted! Now Aerie will be cycled all over the ecosystem. Alas...

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(meanwhile, zooming back out of the TV into Cartman's living room)

Stan: Oh my god, they killed Aerie!

Kyle: Those bastar- wait...actually, that was pretty sweet.

Cartman: Super sweet!

Stan: You know, I've learned something today. Being good isn't really just about regurgitating altruistic ideals or having a character sheet that says so. It's about looking out for your friends or party members and showing concern for them insteading of just demanding attention and help for yourself.

Kyle: Like being kind enough to not to constantly annoy everybody around you with incessant narcissistic chatter.

Cartman (yelling into next room): But Moommmmmmmmm!!!!! I wanna get the Expansion Pack nooowwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then I'll be cooooolllll!!

(Stan and Kyle both point at Cartman and laugh)

THE END