BG2 Redux

This is based on my most recent game. If I could write it out in abridged format, this is what I imagine it would look like?


Chapter 1


Narrator: Kirwond and companions awaken in the hideout of Jon Irenicus, sore in both body and spirit?
Kirwond: We?re trapped in the dungeon of a power-hungry maniac? This sucks.
Imoen: Why can?t we start our game in a happy place?
Kirwond: That was BG1, remember?
Imoen: Right. Let?s get the hell out of here.
Minsc: We shall apply the boots of goodness and say many silly things!
Kirwond: Sounds like a plan to me.

Narrator: They fight many foes and find many interesting items.
Imoen: I?m going to say something worrying and creepy in every room.
Yoshimo: Pardon the intrusion, but do you need the services of a useful and charming thief with amusing banter?
Kirwond: We already have Imoen.
Yoshimo: Not for long.
Kirwond: Welcome to the party! Do you happen to know if we?re still in the Sword Coast?
Yoshimo: Didn?t you read the box?
Kirwond: Oh, right. Shadows of Amn. *smacks forehead*

Narrator: They also find a dismembered body left conspicuously in their path.
Jaheira: I wish this Irenicus would pick up after himself...Khalid! No!
Kirwond: Oh, crap.
Jaheira: Do not worry, Kirwond. I shall be ready to continue after I say a prayer and slap Minsc around a little.
Minsc: Not the hamster! Not the hamster!

Narrator: And then they fight some more battles and finally emerge into the light of day.
Irenicus: So. You have escaped my dungeon. How cunning. I shall now move on to Plan B. Fight some Cowled Wizards, let them capture Imoen and myself, and leave you stranded in Amn with nothing to do but become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
Imoen: But that?s madness!
Irenicus: I know. *disappears with surviving Cowled Wizards and Imoen*

Kirwond: You heard the man. Let?s go amass some power and rescue Imoen.
Jaheira: And maintain the balance.
Yoshimo: And liberate some gold.
Minsc: And kick some butt!
Kirwond: Uh, that too. But first, let?s go to the circus.

Narrator: They enter the circus tent, which proves to be much bigger than it looks on the outside.
Yoshimo: No one to pickpocket? No cotton candy?!? Well, I didn't sign on for this.
Genie: Stop! No one crosses this bridge by me unless they can answer my riddles three?aaagggghhhh? *dies*
Kirwond: Sorry. This is faster. *wipes off sword*

Aerie: Help! You must save me and defeat the evil illusionist, Kalah!
Kirwond: Why should I save you, foul ogre?
Aerie: I?m not really an ogre. I?m a beautiful elven woman-child with a swirly tattoo and magical powers.
Minsc: We must save her! We must!
Kirwond: All right, already! *returns Aerie to her true form and moves on*
Kalah: Muhahahahahaha. I will sic my illusionary monsters on you!
Kirwond: I will ignore them and cleave you in twain with my sword.
Kalah: Crap. Then I?ll just move on to the bitching and moaning before I die. *dies*

Quayle: Aerie! You and your new friends have saved me and the circus!
Kirwond: Don?t I know you?
Quayle: Don?t be ridiculous, Kirwond. We have never met before, and certainly not in BG1.
Aerie: Can I go with them? Can I?
Quayle: Sure. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Aerie: Woohoo! Now I can start my LOVETALKs.
Kirwond: I?m a woman.
Aerie: Oh, poot.



Chapter 2


Jaheira: Well, what shall we do now?
Kirwond: Let?s walk around the city and do good deeds. Surely someone will step forward and offer to help us find Imoen.
Gaelan: Coo! I?ll help you find your sister for the low, low price of 20,000 gold.
Kirwond: She?s not my sister.
Gaelan: Of course not. *coughs* Go to the Copper Coronet. Tell them that Gaelan sent you, and you?ll get a copper off the cover charge.

Narrator: And so the party ventures forth to the Copper Coronet, where they free slaves?
Hendak: Woohoo!
Narrator: ?change the management?
Lehtinan: What? But I just got here? *dies*
Hendak: Drinks are on the house from now on!
Minsc: Hamsters and rangers everywhere, rejoice!
Narrator: ?and pick up some more party members.
Anomen: I am a squire in the Most Noble Order of the Radiant Heart, and?by Helm, you are one hot chick!
Kirwond: Thank you. You?re in.

Nalia: Will you help me rescue my father? He?s in a castle in the middle of nowhere, beset and besieged by a horrendous foe that I won?t tell you about until we get there?
Kirwond: Seeing as how my player won?t let me turn down a quest, no matter how silly or out of my way...okay!
Yoshimo: We can loot your home, right?
Nalia: Of course!
Yoshimo: *Mr. Burns voice* Excellent?

Narrator: On their way to Nalia?s keep, the party comes across a poisoned man who demands to be taken to the Harper Headquarters back in Athkatla.
Renfeld: Take me to Rylock! Only he has the antidote!
Anomen: Helm's Slow Poison spells are surely much more powerful than some Harper swill...
Yoshimo: Quiet! Can't you see this is a plot device?
Narrator: The keep could be overrun at any moment, but they take the man where he wishes to go.
Kirwond: What a good thing my pack is big enough to fit a grown man?s body.
Anomen: My Lady, is this a good time to tell you about how cool and studly I am, despite the cruelty of my father?
Kirwond: No, but that?s not going to stop you, is it.

Narrator: The party returns to the Keep, which is overrun by foul creatures, the likes of which have never been seen before?
Kirwond: Oh, it?s just Lady Delcia and her friends.
Narrator: They storm through the Keep, kicking butt and taking names, but are unable to save Nalia?s father.
TorGal: You gradunk too slow!
Nalia: Take that! *casts spells at TorGal?s twitching body* And that! *sob*
Kirwond: Don?t cry, Nalia. At least you have your family home back.
Nalia: Actually, my fiance?s family is planning to take it over. I?d let you have it, but paladins are not considered fighters.
Kirwond: Stupid game design.

Narrator: And so they all head back to Athkatla, where they do some more good deeds and pick up another party member.
Kelsey: Hi! You look like you?re doing some very impressive things, and?heeeeyyyy?you?re hot. Can I come with you?
Kirwond: I like your taste, but what can you do for me?
Kelsey: I can cast some powerful spells over and over again without ever having to look at a spellbook.
Kirwond: *examines nails* Uh huh. And?
Kelsey: I give one hell of a backrub.
Kirwond: Welcome to the team!
Anomen: What? Wait a minute, I can give backrubs too!
Nalia: No, you can?t. Your Flirtpack hasn?t been released yet.
Anomen: Damn. *looks upward* Write faster, by Helm!

Narrator: They continue wandering around the city, running errands for all and sundry.
Yoshimo: Want to come and work for the Shadow Thieves?
Kirwond: I really shouldn?t?is there gold and experience involved?
Yoshimo: By the barrelful.
Kirwond: Good thing this won?t affect my alignment or my paladinhood.

Delon: Wait! You need to save Imnesvale from the Shade Lord!
Man at the City Gates: No, save Trademeet from the animals and the genies!
High Watcher Oisig: No, defeat the evil beholder cult!
Lord Jierdan Firkraag: Forget them! Come and kill some ogres!
Tolgerias: Find Valygar! Find him!!!
Delon: Hey, I was here first!
Kirwond: Settle down, all of you. I?ll do your quests when I?m good and ready.

Narrator: And Kirwond was as good as her word. They travel to the Umar Hills to save the village of Imnesvale?
Villager 1: It?s the wolves!
Villager 2: No, it?s the ogres!
Vincenzo: Are ye all blind and deaf? It?s the Blair?I mean the Umar Witch!

Kelsey: You know, Kirwond, I am troubled by my powers. Perhaps we could talk about it sometime? Say, over dinner?
Anomen: Quit your mewling, boy. I was here first, and she?s going to help me with MY problems.
Kelsey: Yeah? Well, I?m going to give her a present.
Anomen: Oh, yeah? Well, I?M going to impress her with my stories about killing giants.
Yoshimo: May I say something?
Anomen/Kelsey: NO!
Yoshimo: Very well. I shall keep my conflicted feelings about my upcoming betrayal to myself.

Narrator: In a ruined, shade-infested temple, they find a halfling.
Mazzy: Thank you for rescuing me. We just need to solve a series of puzzles, and then we can defeat the evil Shade Lord.
Shade Lord: Fools! Come and meet your death at the hands of the Shadow Dragon! *pause* Oh, Shadow Dragon?
Kirwond: We killed it already.
Shade Lord: I have got to get better sentries. Oh well. I?ll just summon Mazzy?s old comrades instead.
Mazzy: No, not Patrick! Die, you twisted fiend!
Shadow Patrick: But Mazzy, we could be together again? *dies*
Kirwond: Die, Shadow Lord!
Shadow Lord: Nooooooo!!! *dies*
Minsc: Um?um?DIE, FOUL ALTAR!!!
Jaheira: Do not be foolish, Minsc. You cannot kill an altar.
Altar: ? *dies*
Jaheira: Well, I?ll be.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 2 (cont.)


Narrator: After celebrating their victory, the party moves on to the town of Trademeet.
Logan Coprith: The druids are attacking our town with wolves and bears!
Aerie: Oh my!
Minsc: Your warriors are weak indeed if they cannot handle such puny creatures.
Logan: Yesterday, they sent in the weasels.
Minsc: Eeeep! We must help them, Kirwond!
Jaheira: Yes. I am eager to know who is messing with the balance.
Cernd: The branches of wisdom bend with the wind.
Kirwond: Okay?
Busya: Oh, and some genies want the head of a rakshasa.
Kirwond: What?s a rakshasa?
Busya: Beats the hell out of me.

Narrator: The party leaves town to romp in the woods. They find three of the mysterious rakshasas and kill them all. Amazingly, only one head is found. Eventually, they reach the druid grove.
Faldorn: How dare you enter our sacred?HEY! YOU?RE WEARING FUR!
Jaheira: I knew I shouldn?t have worn this cloak. And anyway, you?re wearing leather.
Faldorn: Criticize my wardrobe, will you? That?s it. I challenge you to a duel.
Narrator: Jaheira easily defeats Faldorn, winning the Druid Grove along with some other nifty prizes.
Jaheira: Eh, but I?m not done with wreaking vengeance. And I have not yet gotten to my Harper subplot. So you can have it, Cernd.
Cernd: Thank you. The mighty oak shall shelter the creatures?
Everyone: Whatever.

Narrator: They return to town, dropping by the genie tent on the way?
Khan Zahraa: *tickles Ihtafeer?s head under the chin* Who?s a good little rakshasa? Yes, you are! Yes, you are!
Narrator: ?and become the Heroes of Trademeet, receiving some impressive statues in the plaza. After doing more good deeds around the city, they are called back to Athkatla by tragedy.
Anomen: My sister is dead, and we must return to the city so that you have a chance to mold my character, for good or for neutral.
Kirwond: I suppose I should encourage you not to kill Saerk, seeing as how I?ll be joining your Order later on.
Anomen: Then I shall continue to be repressed and poetic with occasional bursts of rage.
Kirwond: Does that mean that you?re not going to hit on me anymore?
Anomen: I will always hit on you, my favorite heroine.
Kelsey: Hey! Quit stealing my lines!

Narrator: While in the city, the party attends Lord Arnise?s funeral, rescues Nalia from her fiance, and stops in at the Harper HQ for a little reconnaissance work.
Xzar: Pssst! Find my buddy, Montaron!
Harpers: Sure, you can poke around our secret hideout. Pay no attention to the aviary on the second floor.
Kirwond: So, according to the numerous clues left conveniently around?that bird must be?Montaron!
Xzar: You found him! Oh, my fiendish friend, now we can go bar-hopping across the Realms?
Harper Assassin: DIE!
Xzar: Crap. *dies*
Kirwond: Oh, what have we done?
Jaheira: What do you care? You killed them both yourself in the last game.
Kirwond: Good point.

Valen: You look like someone who has 15,000 gold pieces. Want to come work for our mistress? She can help you find Imoen.
Brus: No, no, the Shadow Thieves will come down on their price. Let us help you find Imoen! We'll kill the extra person for you!
Kirwond: I don?t really want help from either of you, so I?ll just keep hoping that someone else will step forward.

Narrator: Having nothing better to do, the party descends to the sewers to defeat an evil beholder cult?
Keldorn: Halt and go no further, laymen!
Kirwond: Wow. Your rippling muscles, your studly portrait...I don?t care if you?re married, I?what? Anomen is my only romance option???
Kelsey: Don?t forget me!
Kirwond: Thank Torm for you, Kelsey. Now let?s continue with the game.

Gaal: It?s all fun and games until someone loses an eye!
Kirwond: I can see that, yes.
Gaal: No time for small talk! Find me the Rift Device, and I?ll forget about plucking out your eyes!
Sassar: No, wait! Find ME the Rift Device, and I?ll send you into a zombie town AND a maze filled with beholders.
Kirwond: I like your plan, Sassar. Zero for brains, but ten for style.

Narrator: In some disgusting caves under the Cult, they find a gigantic eyeball.
Unseeing Eye: Despair, sighted one, for death?
Kirwond: Take that! *zaps Unseeing Eye with Rift Device* What? It doesn?t kill you outright? This blows.
Kelsey: Don?t worry, Kir, I?ll take care of it. *taps Unseeing Eye with quarterstaff*
Unseeing Eye: *dies*
Kirwond: Oh, Kelsey, you?re my hero. *kisses Kelsey*
Anomen: By Helm, I can?t stand this anymore! Kelsey, I challenge you to a duel!
Kirwond: No, it?s too late. His constant flirting has won me over. I choose Kelsey as my lovemonkey.
Kelsey: Great! Now I?m going to pick a fight and refuse to flirt with you.
Kirwond: What???
Anomen: Don?t worry, my Lady?I?ll comfort you.
Kelsey: Uh, on second thought, let?s make up.

Narrator: After returning the Rift Device, the party reports their success.
High Watcher Oisig: Good work. If you were a cleric, I?d give you the good reward, but since you?re not, you?ll just have to settle for the crap one.
Anomen: I?m a cleric. Can I have the good reward?
Oisig: No.
Anomen: Man!

Meronia: Come back to the Harper Hold. We have some questions we?d like to ask you.
Galvarey: I shall divine your true intentions with a simple quiz. What is your favorite color?
Kirwond: Pink.
Galvarey: Evil! Evil! Okay, second question. What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Kirwond: African or European?
Galvarey: What? I don?t know? *dies*
Jaheira: That was very impressive, Kirwond. How do you know so much about swallows?
Kirwond: I?ve been watching a lot of Monty Python.

Narrator: After a long day of doing good deeds, Keldorn speaks up.
Keldorn: Want to come home with me and meet the wife and kids?
Kirwond: Sounds like fun.
Keldorn: Here we are!
Anomen: That?s the Order.
Keldorn: Oh, yeah?
Maria: Keldorn! Welcome home! I?ve been dating another man!
Keldorn: You?you what? Maria, how could you?
Maria: Well, I haven?t had sex in two years!
Keldorn: Oh. I suppose I shall have to forgive you. I'll quit adventuring and spend some time at home. Do you mind, Kirwond?
Kirwond: Not at all. See you again in three days?
Keldorn: You know it.

Narrator: The party moves on to the Windspear Hills. They fight ogres and other monsters, which turn into knights.
Anomen: There goes my chance to become a knight. Maybe I should have killed Saerk anyway.
Kirwond: You? What about me? I?m a Fallen Paladin now?oh, wait?nothing seems to have changed on my character sheet. Never mind.

Garren Windspear: Come to my cabin, where I shall entrust you with my son while I walk to Athkatla to plead your case before the Order.
Kirwond: That?s very generous of you, seeing as how you?ve known us for about thirty seconds.
Jum: Run! Run! Bandits are coming to steal Garren?s son and blacken your name!
Kelsey: Well, that was unexpected.
Garren: I leave you alone for five minutes and?oh. My script is telling me that it?s Firkraag?s doing. That?s okay then. Just find my kid.

Narrator: Following the clues in Firkraag?s note, the party discovers his lair.
Kirwond: Hmmm. A ruin decorated by statues of dragons. What could be inside?
Aerie: Orcs? Werewolves? Vampires?
Kirwond: Yeah, I think so too.
Narrator: After fighting through the hordes of orcs, werewolves, and vampires that inhabit the lair, they find an old enemy guarding Garren?s son.
Tazok: Muhahahahaha?you only THOUGHT you defeated me.
Kirwond: This is going to happen with all the other big bads in the game, right?
Tazok: Of course.
Kirwond: Great. *kills Tazok*

Taar: Thank goodness you?ve come to save me! But first, go downstairs and face Firkraag.
Firkraag: Hi! Welcome to my lair!
Jaheira: Ooh! A dragon! And with such lovely scales...
Firkraag: Hey! Quit mentally skinning me!
Jaheira: He'd make great armor. And there'd be enough left over for a handbag and a pair of nice shoes.
Firkraag: Oh, yeah? Feel free to try and kill me, but you are so puny that I doubt you?ll succeed.
Anomen: We have already killed one dragon?
Kirwond: But if we kill him now, we won?t get the extra experience from the Order. Let?s just go and save Taar.
Firkraag: Good move. Ta!

Garren: Thanks for finding my son! I have no gold or nifty equipment to give you, but I will do you a favor and open the paladin stronghold to you.
Kirwond: Finally! Now I can run the Order!
Garren: Uh, yeah. Sure.

Narrator: Upon returning to the city, the party runs into some angry Harpers.
Reviane: Hold! You shall face Harper justice for killing Galvarey!
Kirwond: I didn?t kill him?he imploded when he couldn?t answer my question.
Dermin: Details, details. We still hold you responsible. Jaheira, join us in the finger-pointing.
Jaheira: I?ll stick with Kirwond, thank you very much. The balance demands it.
Dermin: You and your balance. Okay, but this isn?t over!

Narrator: They mosey on over to the Order of the Radiant Heart for Anomen?s Test, which he passes.
Anomen: Score!
Narrator: After being informed of all the perks that will someday come with his new position, Anomen?
Anomen: Call me sir, damn you!
Narrator: ?whatever. SIR Anomen waits quietly and patiently while the Order representative speaks with Kirwond.
Anomen: That doesn?t sound like anything I would do.
Narrator: And maybe his Wisdom increase will take effect soon. Though I doubt it.
Anomen: I heard that!

William Reirrac: Welcome to the Order! Feel free to think of this place as your second home.
Kirwond: Cool! Where?s my room?
William: Uh, you don?t really have one, but you can dump your stuff in a sack in the kitchen. Now, we realize that you?re a paladin already and therefore should be allowed to join our Order and use our hall without doing anything, but we think you should run some more errands first.
Kirwond: What do you need?
William: Nothing much. Bail out our elite strike force, settle a land dispute, babysit a whiny teenager, oh, and kill Firkraag.
Kirwond: WHAT? I have to stay in a room with Tyrianna???
William: It?s not that hard, really. Plus you?ll get a nifty sword at the end of all this.
Kirwond: Fine, but I?m only doing it for the sword.

Narrator: The party easily accomplishes the first three tasks. Wiping off their sweaty brows, they travel to Firkraag?s lair to begin the final and most difficult part of the quest.
Kirwond: Okay, let?s do a quick huddle while Firkraag still has that friendly blue circle around him. Minsc, Anomen, Mazzy and I will surround him and beat the hell out of him. The rest of you cast spells and heal. Firkraag, you can?t hear any of this, right?
Firkraag: Not a thing.
Kirwond: Great! Attack!

Kelsey: You know, Kir, I?ve been thinking about life, my brother?
Kirwond: You have a brother?
Kelsey: Yes. You?ll meet him in the next game. Where was I?oh yes?life, my brother, and my powers, and I?m feeling pretty damn good. Oh, yeah, and I love you.
Kirwond: I love you, too.
Kelsey: You are my sun, my moon, my stars. Without you, I dwell in darkness.
Kirwond: Yes, yes, but can this wait? *points upward*
Firkraag: Don?t mind me. Just pretend I?m not here.
Kelsey: Oh, right. My LOVETALKs don?t wait for little things like impending combat.
Firkraag: What? No sex? *dies*
Kirwond: Well, not yet, anyway.

William Reirrac: Congratulations! See you again when it?s time to kill Bodhi!
Kirwond: Bodhi, eh? Do you folks know where Imoen is?
William: Yes, but the game won?t let us tell you. You?ll have to choose between the Shadow Thieves and the vampires.
Kirwond: Alrighty then. Shadow Thieves it is.
Jaheira: But we still have to find Valygar?
Kirwond: Screw it. This chapter is getting too long anyway. I?m sure he?ll still be there after we get back from saving Imoen.
Gaelan: Great! Just go and talk to Aran Linvail, and he?ll tell you where Imoen is.
Kirwond: Finally! I wonder how she?s doing.

Imoen: You know, Spellhold?s not that bad. Lonk the Sane bakes cookies every afternoon, and I can always beat Tiax at checkers.
Tiax: Tiax rules all! Tiax can never be defeated by little pieces of wood!
Imoen: Even though Kirwond?s taking an awfully long time to find me, I don?t mind because?what was that?
Irenicus: That was me breaking free from my restraints.
Imoen: You only freed yourself now? What took you so long?
Irenicus: I didn?t have any lock picks?I mean, I meant to take this long. It was all part of my fiendishly clever plan.
Imoen: Yeah, right.
Irenicus: Don?t sass me, girl. Now we?re going to start the torture and the taking of souls.
Imoen: Oops. Me and my big mouth.

Chapter 3


Narrator: The party waits patiently in the Shadow Thieves? guildhouse.
Receptionist: The Shadowmaster will see you now.
Minsc: Thank goodness. Minsc?I mean, Boo had nearly finished the free candy jar.
Aran Linvail: We know exactly where your sister is, but we can?t tell you.
Kirwond: Why not?
Aran: You haven?t defeated our enemies for us yet. Now be a good little paladin and go defeat Bodhi.
Kelsey: Aren?t you going to give us some holy water?
Aran: Do I look like I'm made of money?

Narrator: The party battles their way through Bodhi?s lair, finally coming face to face with the vampire mistress herself.
Bodhi: Hi! I?m Bodhi! I could so kick your ass, but instead I?ll engage you in conversation before I disappear!
Kirwond: Good, I have some questions for you. First of all?
Bodhi: Bye! *disappears*
Kirwond: That is just?evil.

Aran: She?s gone! Good job! I?ve hired you a ship to Spellhold, where your sister is being held.
Nalia: Why do you keep calling Imoen her sister?
Aran: Foreshadowing.
Nalia: What?
Aran: And here comes the captain now.
Saemon Havarian: Hey, baby. I seem to have lost my number?can I borrow yours?
Kirwond: Ick. Couldn?t you find someone less slimy and likely to betray us?
Aran: If you want to cough up another 10,000 gold, we could hire Shifty-Eyed Pete over there.
Kirwond: Nah.
Shifty-Eyed Pete: Arrrrr? *hangs head*

Dermin: Jaheira! I have come to kill you and your companions for your crimes!
Jaheira: Aren?t you supposed to use me to lure Kirwond into a trap at the Harper Hold first?
Dermin: Yes, but this seemed quicker.
Jaheira: Okay, then, have at you! *kills Dermin and crew*

Kirwond: We should probably rest before having to board a ship with Saemon.
Kelsey: I hope you don?t think I?m being too forward, but?will you sleep with me?
Kirwond: Here? In the middle of the street? What are we, animals? This is supposed to be romantic!
Kelsey: I?ve got some scented candles. They make everything romantic.
Kirwond: Oh, all right.

Narrator: The next morning?
Kirwond: Let?s see. I can only bring my most powerful and trustworthy friends. Kelsey, Anomen, Jaheira, Keldorn, and?Yoshimo. You come with me.
Yoshimo: Oh, boy.
Kirwond: The rest of you can go and drink at the Copper Coronet until we get back.
Aerie: Wooo! Party!
Anomen: Why can?t I stay at the Copper Coronet and get drunk instead of being forced to watch you and Kelsey make out?
Kelsey: Because it makes me happy.



Chapter 4


Narrator: After an uneventful voyage, the party disembarks at the port of Brynnlaw.
Kirwond: Wow, that was an uneventful voyage.
Keldorn: Yes. I noticed nothing suspicious, and especially not the secret signals being flashed to those ships behind us.
Saemon: Are you sure you won?t succumb to my cheesy pickup lines, Kirwond?
Kelsey: Yes! She?s sure!
Saemon: What a shame. I guess I?ll betray you to the vampires then.
Yoshimo: I knew this was going to happen?I mean, what a shocking turn of events!

Narrator: The party easily kills the vampires, but cannot manage to hit Saemon once as he casually strolls away. Grumbling in disgust, they turn their attention to the town.
Ginia: Save me!
Claire: No, me!
Sanik: No, me! Me first!
Kirwond: Why does this happen everywhere I go?
Yoshimo: Your reputation is too high. I could lower it a little for you?
Kirwond/Keldorn/Anomen/Kelsey: NO!
Jaheira: Well, I thought it was a good suggestion?

Narrator: After saving everyone who needed saving (except for Sanik, who quickly got himself killed), Kirwond figures out that there are two ways into Spellhold. Naturally, she chooses the most interesting way.
Kirwond: I?m a GOD! A god, I tell you!
Desharik: Of course you are.
Kirwond: You do not believe me? Your legs will swell to the size of tree trunks! Your intestines will be wound around a tree until you are sorry!
Desharik: *yawn*
Kirwond: Jan Jansen will come and tell you stories until your ears fall off!
Desharik: Aieeeee! Take them away, take them away!
Yoshimo: Amazing. I didn?t even need to use my secret password.
Keldorn: What?
Yoshimo: Uh, nothing.

Narrator: The party wakes up in Spellhold. After a few minutes of chatting with the charming inmates, they are interrupted by the opening door. Irenicus and Imoen step inside.
Irenicus: So, you have come for your Imoen. Well, here she is!
Imoen: The pain?the pain?
Kirwond: Imoen! Have you been eating chocolate-covered rutabaga again?
Imoen: Yes?Irenicus made me down fifteen pounds of it in one sitting?so cold?
Kirwond: You fiend!
Irenicus: Wait until you see what I have in store for you. Oh, and don?t try to fight, Yoshimo has already drugged you.
Jaheira: Yoshimo is the traitor? I guess all those offhand remarks he made about his upcoming betrayal meant something.
Yoshimo: What can I say? Irenicus put a geas on me and forced me to do his evil bidding!
Irenicus: I thought it was the fifty million gold pieces I deposited in your secret account.
Yoshimo: That too.

Narrator: The party falls unconscious. After a suitable interval, Kirwond wakes, alone and strapped inside a device of torture.
Kirwond: What?s going on? What are these two big speakers by my ears?
Irenicus: Allow me to demonstrate. *flips a switch*
Disembodied Voice: *sings* Oops! I think I did it again?
Kirwond: No! Shut it off! Shut it off!
DV: *sings* I played with your heart?got lost in the game?ooh baby baby?
Kirwond: Oh, the pain! *faints*
Irenicus: *switches off device* Well, that was easy. Fetch me a straw, Bodhi, and I?ll suck out her soul.
Bodhi: Why can?t I just bite her?
Irenicus: Don?t be greedy.

Narrator: And so the evil duo remove our heroine?s soul. Kirwond regains consciousness, weakened in body, but not in determination.
Kirwond: You can?t defeat me! My dream told me so!
Irenicus: Uh huh. Look, I?ve taken your soul, just like Bodhi took your sister?s.
Kirwond: Sister? You mean?Imoen?
Bodhi: Took you long enough.
Kirwond: But if Imoen's a Bhaalspawn, how come we can resurrect her? Shouldn't she turn into dust when she...
Irenicus: Silence!!! Bodhi, take Kirwond, Imoen, and their companions to the maze below the asylum. We shall not be needing them anymore.
Bodhi: Shouldn?t we just kill them while they?re helpless? Otherwise they might escape and foil our evil plans.
Irenicus: Don?t be silly. When has that ever happened?

Narrator: The party is taken to the asylum maze.
Bodhi: Here is your equipment, weapons, and armor. You have an infinite length of time to solve puzzles and attempt to escape before I come for you with my vampiric coterie. *disappears*
Imoen: Idiots. Hey, Kir, how are you feeling?
Kirwond: I feel peachy keen! Irenicus said he took my soul, but I don?t believe? *falls over*
Jaheira: Oh, that can?t be good. *helps Kirwond up*
Kirwond: Thanks. Let?s get going so that we can foil Irenicus? evil plot. Did you happen to hear what it was?
Imoen: Nope. Too busy throwing up.

Narrator: The party works their way through endless puzzles and battles, all designed to batter the fading remnants of their sanity. When at last they reach the exit, they have had it.
Bodhi: Here you are at last. What took you so long?
Kirwond: Those &%*#(! puzzles! They made me so mad that I just want to? *changes into Slayer*
Bodhi: Eeeek! Even though Irenicus warned me this would happen, I am not prepared for the reality of it all! We must flee!
Imoen: No, don?t go! We need you as shields!

Narrator: The vampires flee, and Kirwond returns to normal before she hurts anyone. Too badly.
Anomen: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Keldorn: Quit your whining. Is that any way for a Knight of the Order to behave?
Anomen: You were behaving that way just a moment ago. I was merely following your sterling example.

Kelsey: Kir, are you all right?
Kirwond: No. Do you know what day it is?
Kelsey: Er...the day you lost your soul?
Kirwond: It's my birthday. And I don't see any roses or teddy bears.
Kelsey: Uh-oh.
Kirwond: I want to see some grovelling. Now.
Kelsey: Let me make it up to you. I'll caress your hair, your cheekbones, your lovely?scales? Oh, crap.
Slayer: RAAAARRRRRR!!!
Kelsey: Please don?t kill me, Kir. I swear I?ll buy you roses as soon as we get to the surface. I?ll never forget your birthday again.
Kirwond: Wha?what happened?
Kelsey: I forgot your?I mean, you turned into the Slayer and tried to kill me for no reason at all!
Kirwond: I?m so sorry, love.
Kelsey: I forgive you.

Narrator: As the group reaches the upper levels of Spellhold, Imoen concocts a plan to deal with Irenicus once and for all.
Imoen: I say we string him up by his thumbs and tickle him until he dies of laughter.
Kirwond: Okay, but how are we going to get him into that position without dying ourselves?
Dradeel: I?ll help you tie up the bad doggie!
Dili: And me!
Aphril: And me!
Tiax: Tiax rules all!
Wanev: We shall teleport right in front of him and shout ?BOO!? And then we shall kill him and teleport away. He will never expect that.

Narrator: They teleport into Irenicus? secret lab?
Everyone: BOO!
Irenicus: Aaaaahhhh! I never expected that! Now all of my defenses are down!
Kirwond: Give me my soul back! Now!
Irenicus: But in the two seconds it took you to say that, I?ve put up new defenses. Now I shall kill you all.

Narrator: An epic battle is fought, but Irenicus gets away.
Kirwond: Great. Now we have to go and catch him.
Wanev: What are we supposed to do now that Spellhold is gone?
Irenicus: *pops back in* Oh, sorry, forgot to tie up the loose ends. *kills Spellhold residents before disappearing again*
Yoshimo: Don?t look so sad?now you get to kill me.
Kirwond: But I don?t want to kill you.
Yoshimo: You will when you find out that it was me who stole your underwear and not Anomen.
Anomen: Hah!
Kirwond: My last clean pair! Feel my blade through your treacherous heart!
Yoshimo: Sorry! Bring my heart to a temple of Ilmater! *dies*
Imoen: Eeeeew?won?t it rot?
Kirwond: Not if we keep it in your bag of holding and refrigeration.

Saemon: To make up for my earlier betrayal, I?ll take you back to Athkatla free of charge.
Keldorn: Or we can go through this mysterious portal that Irenicus went through.
Saemon: Oh, you don?t want to go in there. Trust me.
Kirwond: Hands up everyone who?d rather go through the portal than set foot on Saemon?s ship!
Narrator: Six pairs of hands wave in the air.
Saemon: Fair enough. You?ll end up in the Underdark either way.

Chapter 5


Narrator: The party opens their eyes and sees?darkness. They?re in the Underdark. What did you expect?
Imoen: This place is just too darn creepy. I really want out of here.
Kirwond: Oh, you say that about all the dungeons.
Kelsey: Don?t worry, I?ll just cast Infravision, and?oh, no! I can?t cast Infravision! I?m a failure!
Imoen: That?s okay. I?ll cast it. *casts Infravision on everyone*

Jaheira: Well, here we are in the Underdark. What shall we do?ooh! Shopping!
Duergar: Step right up and buy my book, How To Survive In The Underdark Without Getting Sacrificed To Lolth!
Keldorn: Is it accurate?
Duergar: I?m still alive, aren?t I?
Keldorn: I?ll take two.

Kelsey: Now, according to this book, there?s a svirfneblin suburb, a drow dungeon, a beholder borough, a mind-flayer mecca, and a kuo-toa kavern. Oh, and a region where light cannot penetrate.
Anomen: A black hole?
Kelsey: Possibly. Where shall we go first?
Jaheira: Let?s go to the svirfneblin suburb. I can do some more shopping.
Kirwond: Where are you getting all this gold?
Jaheira: Imoen gave it to me. Said she got it from someone?s pack.
Kirwond: I wish she?d give some to me. My money pouch is feeling awfully light.

Narrator: After fighting through a series of random battles, the party reaches the svirfneblin?suburb?who wrote this?
Goldander Blackrock: Kill the fearsome demon for us, and we?ll tell you the secrets of the dark cavern and find a way for you to get into Ust Natha, the drow city.
Keldorn: Wait a minute?the book says that there?s an exit to the surface through the kuo-toa kavern.
Goldander: But then you won?t get all the extra gold and experience.
Kirwond: What would you rather do, defeat Irenicus quickly or get lots of gold and experience?
Imoen: I need some gold!
Anomen: I need some experience!
Keldorn: No kidding.

Narrator: The party defeats the demon and saves the svirfneblin, who are appropriately grateful. They then travel to the dark cavern, which proves to be the home of Adalon the Silver Dragon.
Anomen: A dragon! Kill it!
Keldorn: Haven?t you read the Dragonlance novels? All metallic dragons are good. It?s just the silver-plated ones that you have to watch out for.
Adalon: I shall disguise you as drow so that you can infiltrate the city and bring back my eggs.
Kirwond: Why did you donate them in the first place?
Adalon: I needed the money for college. Now go!

Narrator: Disguised as drow, the dauntless dungeoneers daringly dance down to the doors of the?I quit.
Kirwond: Oh, come on, you know you love it.
Narrator: *ahem* ?and run a whole new group of errands.
Solaufein: Dust the temple, feed the spiders, bring me a svirfneblin helmet, kill a beholder?have I forgotten anything?
Phaere: Yes! Rescue me!
Solaufein: I don?t really care about that last one, but go ahead and do it if you have the time.

Anomen: You know, Kelsey, I?m finally over you taking Kirwond away from me. After all, you have to sleep with the Slayer. *points and laughs*
Kelsey: Actually, since she learned to control it, she?s been channelling that energy in?interesting and kinky ways.
Anomen: Damn you, sorcerer! Now Keldorn?s going to assign me a cold shower and extra prayers!

Narrator: After accomplishing the drow?s tasks and sneaking in a few good deeds here and there, it was time to meet with Matron Mother Ardulace.
Phaere: But first, Veldrin, I?d like you to kill Solaufein. He won?t sell me his piwawfi and I can?t find one like it anywhere!
Kirwond: Gladly! My blade thirsts for his blood!
Kelsey: Kir, are you sure you want to?
Kirwond: Silence, male worm! You?ll blow our cover!
Phaere: Don?t worry about me. I don?t seem to notice the out-of-character remarks anyway.

Solaufein: Veldrin? What are you doing in my room in the middle of the night with your weapons drawn? Did you wish to discuss some philosophy?
Kirwond: No, I was sent here to kill you. But I won?t if you give me your piwawfi.
Solaufein: Fascinating. Such mercy would never be shown by my kind.
Imoen: Busted!
Solaufein: It?s all right, I?m a good drow. Here?s my piwawfi, and I?ll see you again later.
Phaere: You brought it! Now my wardrobe is complete! And it doesn?t even have any blood on it?that?s not suspicious at all! Come, let us go meet the Matron Mother.

Narrator: The party is brought before the awe-inspiring Matron Mother of House Despana.
Matron Mother Ardulace: You look like someone who can handle a challenge. Bring me the head of Elminster!
Kirwond: Uh?
Ardulace: Oh, fine, I guess that was too much to hope for. Just bring me some blood then. Kuo-toa, beholder, or illithid. Your choice.
Kirwond: So which one shall we get?
Keldorn: Let?s get them all. It?s not like we have anything urgent to do.

Narrator: After collecting blood from all three of the elder races, along with many other useful items, the party returns to the Matron Mother.
Ardulace: At last! Now I can make a new batch of my favorite lipstick. Then I will be all dolled-up for the ritual tonight where I give Adalon?s eggs to an evil demon.
Jaheira: Adalon, eh? Can we watch?
Ardulace: Sure! Come by around six, and we?ll have cocktails before we start.
Kirwond: But I have nothing to wear!
Phaere: Switch the real eggs with these fake eggs, and I?ll lend you one of my dresses.
Solaufein: And if you give Phaere my eggs instead of the real ones, I?ll give you a necklace to go with it.

Narrator: Somehow, Kirwond manages to sneak into the Temple and make all of the required switches without alerting the drow. The party then gives Solaufein?s eggs to Phaere before showing up at the Temple, dressed to kill.
Ardulace: Ah, it?s good to see young ones who know how to follow a dress code. Drink up! It?s time to begin the ritual!

Demon: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Ardulace: I merely wished to offer you these dragon eggs?
Demon: THESE ARE CHICKEN EGGS. DO YOU THINK ME A FOOL?
Ardulace: Damn! The size should have tipped me off! *dies*
Phaere: Heheheheh. I have the real dragon eggs for you, oh demon lord!
Demon: THOSE ARE MADE OF RUBBER. SEE? *drops egg and catches it as it bounces back*
Phaere: What? I have been betrayed?how unexpected. *dies*
Imoen: So there. Here, have a cocktail.
Demon: AH, I LOVE MAI-TAIS. THE LITTLE UMBRELLA JUST DOES IT FOR ME. YOU?RE NOT SO BAD. FOR HUMANS. *disappears*

Imoen: Quick, let?s get out of here before all the drow turn red. *casts Haste*
Kirwond: You don?t think they?ll notice the group of strange hasted drow fleeing the city with a suspicious parcel?
Imoen: They didn?t notice all the goody-goody things we said and did, so why not?

Narrator: After returning Adalon?s eggs, the dragon has them teleported most of the way to the surface.
Kirwond: I wonder why she didn?t just send us directly to the surface?
Imoen: Maybe she noticed me rifling through her hoard. Oh, hi, Solaufein!
Solaufein: Kirwond, I notice your player has my mod installed. Shall I come with you and hold your hand while we discuss philosophy and poetry?
Kelsey: Don?t even think about it.
Solaufein: Shucks, the conflict portion is installed. I?ll just go.



Chapter 6


Narrator: After fighting their way to the surface, the party is captured by a group of elves.
Elhan: I just want to make sure that we?re on the same side. What do you know of Irenicus?
Kirwond: Does this answer your question? *opens cloak to reveal: I battled my way through the Underdark seeking Irenicus? black heart and all I got was this lousy T-shirt*
Elhan: Admirably. We need to get to Suldanessellar and defeat him, but Bodhi stole our Lanthorn and took it to Athkatla. Want to get it back for us?
Keldorn: Why can?t you get it back yourselves?
Elhan: We?uh?have to stay here. Yeah.
Keldorn: Wuss.

Narrator: On the way back to Athkatla, the party runs into some unexpected allies.
Kirwond: Drizzt Do?Urden and companions! What are you doing here?
Imoen: Yeah, I thought you were so rich from your book deals that you didn't need to adventure anymore.
Drizzt: SOMEBODY made a series of bad investments.
Regis: What? Emu farming is the next big thing!
Kirwond: Oh, well. Want to help us defeat some vampires and save an elven nation?
Drizzt: Sure, why, not. We've got nothing better to do.

Narrator: The party returns to the Copper Coronet, rejoining their comrades.
Kirwond: Hi, everyone. Had a good time?
Nalia: Sure did! I bet Hendak wishes he?d never put us on his free drinks for life list.
Kelsey: Who are you?
Valygar: I?m Valygar Corthala. I got sick of waiting for you all to come and find me, so I dealt with the Planar Sphere and Tolgerias by myself.
Kirwond: Good for you! Are you having fun?
Valygar: Yeah! Aerie was just showing me this great spell?True Sight, I think it's called. If you cast it and then look at the barmaids, you can see the most interesting...
Mazzy: Squire Valygar! You didn?t hang up my cloak properly! Now sharpen my sword before you muck out the stable!
Valygar: *sigh* Yes, Lady Mazzy.

Narrator: The party says goodbye to their friends and heads upstairs to the conveniently located Temple to Ilmater.
Kirwond: Here is the heart of a friend turned traitor. He wanted us to give it to you.
Priest of Ilmater: Well, I must say, this is a crappy week for offerings.
Second Priest: I'll say. You'd think the game would give us experience points, too.

Terminsel: Hello, young lady. Might I have a word or two?
Jaheira: Do you think I don?t know you, Elminster? You?ve worn that hat all throughout Faerun.
Terminsel: Uh, yes. I?m just here to say that you were right, Dermin and Galvarey were wrong?
Kirwond: Oh, great. She?s going to be truly insufferable now.
Terminsel: And here?s a special Harper pin for you. Wear it with pride! *gives Jaheira a pin before disappearing*
Imoen: Ooh, this looks different from the Harper pins I?ve seen before. It?s got some elvish script engraved on it.
Keldorn: What does it say, Jaheira?
Jaheira: It says?*frowns at engraving* ?Harpers do it on a major scale!
Anomen: I bet you do?

Narrator: The party then goes to the graveyard.
Kelsey: I can?t believe we?re going in the middle of the night. Why can?t we come back at noon?
Bodhi: Ah, I was waiting for you to show up. Go away or I?ll take your favorite boy-toy and turn him into a vampire.
Kirwond: You?re bluffing. You would never do something so cruel and evil.
Bodhi: Watch me. *disappears with Anomen*
Kirwond: Huh?
Bodhi: *reappears* Oops, wrong one. Sorry. *disappears with Kelsey*
Kirwond: That bitch! She?ll feel my steel through her last meal!

Narrator: After butt-kicking their way through Bodhi?s lair yet again, the party and their helpers confront the vampire and her newest slave.
Bodhi: Kelsey is quite the catch. Not only did he reupholster my coffin, he also gave me a footrub like you wouldn?t believe?
Kirwond: What?! Roast in Hell!
Bodhi: It was innocent, I tell you? *dies*
Kirwond: Now as for you, Kelsey?Kelsey!
Drizzt: Terribly sorry, Kirwond. Slip of the sword.

Imoen: While I was getting my soul back, I had a look through Bodhi?s room, and I found this book detailing how to restore life to someone almost turned into a vampire. Conveniently located next to it was the Lanthorn and Bodhi?s black heart.
Keldorn: Amazing how the heart remains intact after the rest of the vampire turns to dust, isn?t it?
Kirwond: Quite. Let?s go and restore Kelsey.
Anomen: Do we have to? Why can?t you just sleep with me instead?
Kirwond: You?re kidding me, right?

Narrator: The party travels to the Temple of Amaunator and resurrects Kelsey?
Kelsey: Thank goodness! Despite our enduring love and our constant flirting, I wasn?t sure if you?d think I was worth saving.
Kirwond: Of course you are! We?re going to get married, after all.
Kelsey: M-married? *gulps* I?m not sure if I ever want to get married, what with my family problems and all.
Kirwond: I notice you saved that little piece of information until after I restored you to life.
Kelsey: I?m not an idiot, Kir.

Narrator: The party returns to the elven camp.
Imoen: Yoohoo! We found your Lanthorn!
Elhan: Yay! Let?s go to Suldanessellar and create shadow puppets!
Kelsey: Can you do Deformed Rabbit? That?s my favorite.

Awwww...thanks, guys. Your wish is my command.



Chapter 7


Narrator: Everyone appears in the lovely elven city of Suldanessellar.
Imoen: Wow. It?s beautiful.
Elhan: Beautiful?!? It?s a dump! Look over there, a leaf is out of place on that bush! And there?s a miniscule crack in that fountain! This can only be the work of Irenicus. He must pay!!!
Kirwond: We?ll make him pay, have no fear. Now, where should we start?
Elhan: Find the priestess Demin. She?s the only person with a clue around here.
Keldorn: Didn't we kill a Harper with a very similar name?
Jaheira: I hope they weren't related.

Narrator: After clearing the city of the monster hordes, the party finds Demin staring into a mirror.
Demin: Eeeek! A zit! Oh, wait, that?s just a speck of blood. Be a dear and hand me a Kleenex.
Kirwond: Okay, now how do we find Irenicus?
Demin: First you have to save our Queen. You see, we originally convicted Irenicus for the foul crime of trying to become a god?
Anomen: That sounds like what you?ll be doing in the next game, Kirwond.
Kirwond: Shhhh!
Demin: ?and then we exiled him and turned him into a human. Some of the elves thought this might be too harsh, but I think they were bleeding-heart liberals.
Kelsey: What a bold statement to make in front of your saviors, five of which are human.
Demin: But you?re useful humans. There is a difference. Anyhoo, go and fix up the temple a bit, and then the gates to the palace will be opened.

Narrator: After some minor painting and replacing of religious artifacts, a god appears.
Rillifane: I AM THE LEAFLORD.
Keldorn: *snort* The Leaflord? *giggle* Give me a real deity, not some pansy elven tree god!
Rillifane: DO NOT LAUGH AT THE LEAFLORD, OR I SHALL DOOM YOUR LAWN TO BE COVERED WITH LEAVES ALL YEAR LONG.
Keldorn: My apologies.
Rillifane: I HAVE OPENED THE DOORS TO THE PALACE. GO AND SAVE ELLESIME AND THE TREE OF LIFE.
Kirwond: I have to save everything around here. You?re a god, why can?t you do some of the saving?
Rillifane: I WILL HELP. I WILL VANQUISH ALL OF THE FOUL MONSTERS RUNNING AMOK THROUGHOUT THE CITY.
Kirwond: We?ve already done that!
Rilifane: THEN I SHALL CREATE SOME MONSTERS AND VANQUISH THEM. SEE YA!

Narrator: The party enters the palace and prepares to save the Tree of Life. But first, it?s time for the touching friendship sequence. *violins begin to play*

Narrator: Anomen, cleric of Helm and hearty warrior, he has been tested perhaps the most of all your companions. He began seeking fame...why does he remain?
Imoen: Yeah, why ARE you here?
Anomen: So that I can step in if Kelsey di?so that I can smite evil in Helm?s name!
Kirwond: Do you still want to help me fight Irenicus?
Anomen: He needs a good smiting. Sure!

Narrator: Jaheira, proud and resolute; she has been with you since the beginning, practically. She knows you well, and has suffered loss at the hands of Irenicus, as well.
Kirwond: Oh, yeah, almost forgot about Khalid. Anyway, are you coming?
Jaheira: Since I gave up my Harper membership for you, I suppose I have no choice.
Imoen: But Elminster reinstated you.
Jaheira: That's right! Eh, screw it. I never liked Elminster anyway.

Narrator: Keldorn, the wise paladin and venerable member of the Most Noble Order of the Radiant Heart; He has sworn to accompany you, but he has a family as well.
Keldorn: So I do! I?ll get back to them any day now.
Kirwond: You will?
Keldorn: Sure. Right after my in-laws leave. *shudder*

Narrator: Imoen, your sister and steadfast friend, who has changed so much in the time you have known her. Shadows circle her sunken eyes, but she...
Imoen: Oh, yeah? Well, you?re no prize yourself.
Narrator: I didn?t mean?
Imoen: Sure you didn?t.

Narrator: Kelsey?once a directionless hireling, now a trusted friend and lover. You have each drawn strength from the other, and that link shows as he seems to anticipate what you must say to him.
Kelsey: Kir, I love you, and I won't leave...
Kirwond: Do you think I look fat in this armor?
Kelsey: What? I?uh?help me, Imoen!
Imoen: Let?s see?help Kelsey, not help Kelsey?which is funnier?
Kelsey: You wait until we beat Irenicus. I'll get you then.

Narrator: Armed with cans of Raid, they kill off the parasites afflicting the Tree before turning their attention to the main villain of the piece.
Irenicus: Fools! You think you can defeat me? Despite your escaping my dungeon AND escaping Spellhold AND escaping the Underdark AND killing my vampiric allies, I am still convinced that I will win.
Ellesime: Stop! Joneleth, stop this madness. We could be together, you and I. Why won?t you turn from your evil ways and love me like you used to?
Irenicus: That was just pillow talk, baby.
Ellesime: Hmmph! I?ll be going, then!
Kirwond: You?re not going to help us fight Irenicus, or even summon your army?
Ellesime: I?uh?might break a nail. *disappears*

Irenicus: Now you die.
Kirwond: We?ll see about that. *draws Carsomyr*
Irenicus: Hah! *casts Protection From Magical Weapons* Your weapon cannot harm me! I am invincible!
Kirwond: *draws a non-magical dagger*
Irenicus: You think you can beat me with that puny thing?
Kirwond: *rolls die*
Irenicus: A natural 20??? Oh, give me a break! *dies*

Narrator: Irenicus is dead, but something is wrong?
Kirwond: We won! We finally?whoa, what?s happening?
Wraith-Sarevok: Welcome to Hell. I?ll be your guide for this evening.
Kirwond: Sarevok??? Why are all my old enemies coming back to life?
Wraith-Sarevok: You can resurrect your friends, so why can?t your enemies enjoy the same privilege?
Kirwond: Because it?s not fair!
Wraith-Sarevok: Anyway, I?m not really alive. Yet.

Kirwond: So what are you doing here, then?
Sarevok/Greed/Selfish/Fear/Pride: We?re here to give you tests and determine if you are good or evil.
Kirwond: Look at my bloody character sheet! Lawful Good! Paladin! Doesn?t that say anything to you? I have not allowed my taint to rule my actions?
Kelsey: Except for that time that you turned into the Slayer and tried to kill me.
Keldorn: And me.
Anomen: And me.
Jaheira: And me.
Imoen: And?
Kirwond: Shut up! You?re not helping!

Sarevok/Greed/Selfish/Fear/Pride: Your character sheet is impressive indeed, and your journal shows many fearsome enemies butt-kicked and the greater good upheld. We?ll just leave you with some parting gifts.
Narrator: Armed with the Tears of Bhaal, Kirwond unlocks the final gateway.
Irenicus: Hey! Close that door! I?m not dressed!
Imoen: *shudders* I never thought I'd say this, but put the bondage gear back on.
Irenicus: Bah! For that insult, I shall summon some demons to help me. And then we shall battle for your immortal soul, for the last time!
Kirwond: Do you mean it?
Irenicus: Sure. I might change forms a time or two, but it?s the last battle. Really.

Narrator: Irenicus summons the Hosts of Hell to fight at his side before turning into the Slayer.
Irenicus: RAAAARRRR!
Kirwond: So that?s what I looked like. I can see why you were all a little intimidated. Well, I?ll fight him, and the rest of you get the Hosts of Hell.
Keldorn: No problem!

Host of Hell: Would you care to wait at the bar before your table is ready?
Anomen: How long is the wait?
Host of Hell: Eternity.
Anomen: What? But I slipped you a twenty!
Host of Hell: We do not accept such puny bribes.
Anomen: DIE!
Host of Hell: *dies*
Anomen: That'll teach you to keep a Knight of the Order waiting.

Narrator: Irenicus and Kirwond are locked in single combat, blade and claw flashing in an intricate dance. Suddenly, Irenicus discovers a flaw in his strategy.
Irenicus: RAAA?I?ll be damned. I can?t cast spells like this.
Kirwond: No shit, Sherlock.
Irenicus: *sigh* I?ll just have to give up the delicious irony of having you killed by the Slayer and go back to my normal self. *switches back to normal*
Kirwond: Hah! *lunges*
Irenicus: Well, that?s the last time I enter battle without setting up my Contingencies. *dies*

Narrator: The room fades to black?and then the party wakes up in Suldanessellar.
Ellesime: Shoot! They came back before we could loot their corpses?I mean, welcome back! How are you feeling?
Kirwond: About as well as could be expected for someone who has been to Hell and back.
Ellesime: Up for a party?
Kirwond: Damn straight!

Narrator: After the party, Kirwond and Kelsey go for a moonlit stroll.
Kelsey: So we?re all okay now. You?ve got your soul back, and it?s only been slightly used.
Kirwond: Yes. Although sometimes I feel the strangest impulses.
Kelsey: Such as?
Kirwond: Right now, I really want a pickle and sardine sandwich.
Kelsey: You?re not pregnant, are you?
Kirwond: Probably.
Kelsey: What?
Kirwond: Kidding. That won?t happen until the next game.

Throne of Bhaal ? Chapter 1


Narrator: The party spends the next two months in Suldanessellar, working on their tans.
Ellesime: I hope you?re all well-rested and stuff, because I?m going to kick you out of our fair city to proceed on the path of your destiny.
Kirwond: You people keep talking about my destiny?can you give me a hint?
Ellesime: No, but these talking stone heads can.
Imoen: *whisper* Someone?s been smoking some weed?
Ellesime: It was for medicinal purposes...oh, just go to the Forest of Tethyr if you don't believe me.

Narrator: The party forges deep into the heart of the woods, where they come across a group of huge stone heads.
Talking Heads: *sing* Psycho killer?Qu'est-ce que c'est?Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better?Run run run run run run run away?
Jaheira: Hmmm?I think we?re on the wrong channel. *thumps heads*
Talking Heads: Your destiny leads to a throne of blood and power over millions...or not. Now run away! Run away!

Illasera: Too late. *turns off talking heads*
Kirwond: You?re another assassin, aren?t you.
Illasera: Yes. I am a member of the Five.
Keldorn: The Five? The Five what?
Illasera: I could tell you, but then I?d have to kill you. Oh, what the hell, I?ll just kill you.

Narrator: Sadly, Illasera and her lackeys are completely overmatched, dying in under 30 seconds.
Jaheira: I believe that?s a new record.
Narrator: Suddenly, the party is teleported to a new area!
Keldorn: New? This looks just like Hell! Why oh why didn?t I suck it up and go home?
Imoen: Look on the bright side. Now you?re butch AND bronze.
Keldorn: *strikes a pose* I do look rather fetching with this tan?

Solar: Welcome to your Abyssal realm, god-child.
Imoen: Who, me?
Solar: No, the other one. Your destiny is approaching, and you must be prepared. Make yourself at home here, and I will be back regularly to irritate you with my cryptic tests. *disappears*

Narrator: As the divine creature vanishes, a familiar form appears in her place.
Sarevok: Hello, sister.
Imoen: Me?
Sarevok: No, the other one.
Imoen: When will it be my turn???
Sarevok: Kirwond, I know you?re sick of seeing me, but I must come with you. Just give me a teensy-weensy piece of your soul, and I will fight at your side!
Kirwond: The soul that I just got back after chasing down a power-hungry wizard?
Sarevok: Yes.
Kirwond: *shrugs* Okay.
Sarevok: Hold still, this won?t hurt a bit. YOUR SOUL IS MINE! *grabs Kirwond?s nose* And I got your nose!
Kirwond: Give it back! *draws Carsomyr*
Sarevok: Sorry. *gives it back* Anyway, now that I?m alive, I suppose you want me to swear an oath or something?
Kirwond: No, that won?t be necessary.
Sarevok: Fine. Be like that. Just talk to the statues and summon your friends before you go into the next room to face your challenge. And then we must be off to Saradush, where you have to do something important.
Kelsey: Like find my brother?
Sarevok: Yes, I?m sure that?s on the list somewhere.

Narrator: Using the handy statues, Kirwond summons her friends.
Kirwond: Uh?I?ll have one Aerie, one Minsc, one Nalia, one Mazzy, and one Valygar. Oh, and a Diet Coke.
Statue: Will that be for here or to go?
Kirwond: For here.
Statue: You got it.

Aerie: Eeeeeek! Ask me if I?m busy before you summon me!
Nalia: Just put on a robe, Aerie. It?s not like we haven?t seen a naked elf before.
Anomen: I haven?t.
Nalia: Figures. So what do you want, Kirwond?
Kirwond: I need some groupies before I start out on the long road to godhood.
Kelsey: Ahem!
Kirwond: Or non-godhood. You want to come to Saradush?
Valygar: Since you can only have five people in your entourage, I think we?ll make ourselves comfortable here and just make sarcastic comments when you return.
Kirwond: Oh, yes, about that?Jaheira, I know you?ve been with me for a long time and you swore an oath to my foster father and all that, but do you mind hanging out here while I run around with the person who murdered Gorion?
Jaheira: Not at all. Do you have a TV? The Red Sox are on.

Narrator: Kirwond leaves her friends glued to the television and goes next door to kill many things. Then the party heads for Saradush, where they land smack dab in the middle of an unruly mob.
Crowd: WE WANT GROMNIR! WE WANT GROMNIR!
Soldier: Settle down, unruly mob. What do you wish with our general?
Melissan: We want to string him up by his?I mean, we wish only to speak with him. Yeah, that?s the ticket.
Soldier: Well, if you would only follow due process, then we could?hey, you there! How did you get into the city!
Kirwond: Me? I just appeared out of nowhere.
Soldier: They appeared out of nowhere! Kill them!
Kirwond: Wait a minute, we come in peace!
Soldier: They come in peace! Kill them!

Narrator: After the soldiers have been disposed of, Melissan introduces herself.
Melissan: Hello, I am Melissan. I am here to save the Bhaalspawn from Yaga-Shura at considerable expense to myself.
Kirwond: It?s nice to meet you, Melissan. Anything I can do to help?
Melissan: Yes. Get inside the castle and kill Gromnir Il-Khan.
Keldorn: Isn?t he a Bhaalspawn too?
Melissan: Um?okay, just talk to him then.

Narrator: After doing some random good deeds throughout the town, the party ends up in the local tavern.
Sarevok: Kirwond, I am troubled. You didn?t want to hear my cool oath, and I?m still alive and fighting by your side. What are you, stupid?
Kirwond: I?m trying to wean you away from the Dark Side.
Sarevok: Why would you do such a thing?
Kirwond: The satisfaction of completing a cheesy plot device, I suppose.

Mirena: Kelsey, thank goodness we found you!
Kelsey: Who are you?
Kelvim: She?s my girlfriend. We ran away from home together because we found out that Uncle Birinar is evil.
Mirena: We think he?s like you.
Kelsey: Thanks a lot.
Kelvim: She means that Birinar is influencing people with his suspicious sorcerer powers. I think he?s also a drug dealer.
Kelsey: That's horrible!
Kelvim: That's not the worst of it. Birinar has done away with the family discount!
Kelsey: No family discount?! He must be stopped. We?ll work on it as soon as we deal with this war-torn city.

Narrator: After gathering information from the townsfolk, the party plunges into the sewers, searching for the secret entrance to the castle dungeon.
Kelsey: Have I told you how much constant combat turns me on?
Kirwond: You really pick the damndest places to ask for sex. First the middle of the street and now the sewers?
Kelsey: What can I say? My timers wait for no one. Now come here.

Narrator: The party sneaks through Gromnir?s dungeons, killing all guards who dare oppose them. After freeing the prisoners, they ascend the staircase to face the General himself!
Gromnir: I understand that Melissan sent you. What is it you wish to discuss?
Anomen: Wow, you?re quite articulate for a half-orc.
Gromnir: ?For a half-orc?? It is that sort of thoughtless stereotyping that makes me so very very angry. Now I shall kill you all instead of listening to what you have to say.
Anomen: I should just keep my mouth shut, shouldn?t I?
Kelsey: Yes, yes you should.

Narrator: The party kills Gromnir and all of his henchmen?
Melissan: Wait! Stop the madness!
Kirwond: Too late.
Melissan: Oh. Oh, well. Now go and kill Yaga-Shura.
Kirwond: Isn?t he a Bhaalspawn too? What are you trying to pull here?
Melissan: I am not trying to pull anything. *makes Jedi hand motions* There is no trickery going on here.
Kirwond: There is no trickery going on here?
Melissan: You will go and find Yaga-Shura?s weakness.
Everyone: We will go and find Yaga-Shura?s weakness? *leaves*
Melissan: Idiots.

Throne of Bhaal ? Chapter 2


Narrator: The party appears in the pocket plane.
Cespenar: Good evening, madam. May I take your cloak?
Kirwond: Who are you?
Cespenar: I am Cespenar, your impish little butler.
Kirwond: I see. And what can you do for me besides?buttle?
Cespenar: Well, if you bring me lots of gems and money and creepy things like monster hearts and chopped-off hands, I can improve your weapons.
Kirwond: For example?
Cespenar: I can make your holy avenger even more ridiculously overpowered.
Kirwond: Cool! More power!

Narrator: Meanwhile, on the other side of the room?
Jaheira: Imoen, I could have easily asked you this in the last game, but I was not programmed to. Since you are also a child of Bhaal, are you going to turn all evil on us?
Imoen: Me? Heck, no. I?m just going to gain some minor powers, steal things from your packs and engage in a little blackmail.
Jaheira: Anything good so far?
Imoen: Well, Kelsey has some really interesting stuff in his journal?
Kelsey: Hey! I paid good money to keep your mouth shut!
Imoen: And Keldorn had a really nice ring, until I took it.
Keldorn: You stole from me, Imoen? And here I thought you wanted my body.
Imoen: I do want your body.
Keldorn: Oh. Well that?s all right, then.

Narrator: Now it?s time to go out and find Yaga-Shura?s weakness before he destroys Saradush.
Kirwond: So the powers of the Abyss will send me anywhere I want to go?
Sarevok: Within reason. Where do you want to go today?
Kirwond: I want to go to the Forest of Mir!
Narrator: The party appears in an open plain.
Kirwond: Stupid pocket plane. I bet it was engineered by Microsoft.

Merchants: Help! Save us from these evil soldiers!
Keldorn: Let?s save the only one with a name. He must be important.
Karthis al-Hezzar: Thank you for rescuing me?Kelsey? Is that you?
Kelsey: Why, Karthis! How have you been? Any chance of a discount from you?
Karthis: *falls over laughing*
Kelsey: That?s what I thought.

Narrator: After they finish their shopping, Imoen sees a building in the distance.
Imoen: Look! Over there! It?s a big creepy keep with some priests of Helm on top of it!
Sarevok: There is power in places such as this.
Kirwond: Really? Well, forget Saradush, then, let?s go and loot it.
Everyone: Yay!!! Loot! Loot! Loot! Loot!

Narrator: Still chanting, the party approaches the Watcher?s Keep.
Odren: Ah, the child of Bhaal has come! Please, save our worthless souls!
Kirwond: What do you want from us?
Odren: It?s very simple. Take this scroll down to the very bottom level of the Watcher?s Keep, and seal up the ancient evil that we were too frightened to approach.
Anomen: Why, what is it?
Odren: We don?t know! We were too frightened to approach!
Anomen: Oh, right.

Narrator: The party enters the Keep, scooping up valuables left and right as they descend.
Ghost: How dare you disturb my eternal rest?hey! Those are my slippers you?re wearing!
Imoen: These? *sticks out foot* Why would you own fuzzy pink slippers?
Ghost: They feel so nice against my skin. And they were on sale!
Imoen: Fine, you can have them back.
Ghost: Thank you so much! Now I just need to find my feather boa and my curlers. Then I can have a nice relaxing evening.
Kirwond: You don?t mind if we rob your sarcophagus, do you?
Ghost: Go for it!

Narrator: The party threads their way through the next two levels, leaving rivers of blood in their wake. Suddenly, they come face to face with a fearsome demon!
Aesgareth: Fearsome? Moi? Never. I merely wish to play a game of cards with you.
Kirwond: What sort of game?
Aesgareth: It is very simple. We will each pick a card from my extra-deadly Deck of Many Things. Whoever survives gets to leave through that portal.
Kirwond: I?m always up for a challenge.
Aesgareth: Since it?s my deck, I get to go first. *draws card* What? Card of Instant Death? This su... *disintegrates*

Kirwond: Whew! That was fun! Let?s rest a moment before going down to the next level.
Anomen: My Lady, I have a question for you.
Kirwond: Shoot.
Anomen: Despite the fact that you?re still with Kelsey, I just have to know?don?t you find me attractive at ALL?
Kirwond: Yes, but?
Anomen: Good! Shall I call you for breakfast or just nudge you?
Kirwond: Oh, now, wait a minute. I don?t want to roast in Demogorgon?s belly!
Anomen: I mean, how dare you hit on me! I?m going to flounce off and pretend that we never had this conversation!

Narrator: Finally, they reach the final level of the Watcher?s Keep.
Mysterious Figure: Welcome to my lair. I hope you have enjoyed the journey, since it will be your last.
Kirwond: What are you talking about?
Mysterious Figure: If you read the scroll that Odren gave you, you?ll be sealed in here with me to play naked Twister for all eternity.
Kirwond: Oh, please. What are the chances that an ancient evil would tell the truth? *reads scroll*
Narrator: Suddenly the exits are sealed!
Kirwond: Crap.
Mysterious Figure: *starts setting up the Twister mat*
Imoen: Look, isn?t there some way we can get out of here? I'm naturally bendy, but you really don't want to see Anomen on one of those.
Mysterious Figure: Oh, fine. I?ll open the portal out if you send Odren and his cronies in to be my lunch. And tell them to bring some mustard.

Narrator: The party appears next to the startled Knights.
Odren: Kirwond! I never expected to see you again?I mean, welcome back! Why are you here?
Kirwond: There's a group of Vigil Knights in there who want to have lunch with you. Oh, and they want you to bring some mustard.
Odren: Okely-dokely! Come, my brethren!
Kirwond: *locks door behind them* Suckers.

Narrator: Suddenly, a ghostly figure appears.
Ghost Knight: Hail, Child of Bhaal. You have been deceived!
Imoen: Yeah, we figured that one out already.
Ghost Knight: There?s more. Odren also neglected to tell you the true nature of the ancient evil. It is in fact the Prince of Demons, Bill Gates.
Kelsey: *gasp* Inconceivable! He has a million hit points and maximum Charisma! What should we do?
Ghost Knight: You could go in there and save Odren, run away, or read this new scroll which will seal the Keep forever.
Kirwond: We?ve already ransacked the Keep, so which way gets us more experience?
Ghost Knight: Read the scroll.

Narrator: And that?s exactly what they did.
Sarevok: Hey, Kirwond, didn?t you just leave Odren and his friends in there to rot without letting them have a chance to redeem themselves?
Kirwond: Um?yes?but I did it for the greater good.
Sarevok: Oh. I see. Being good is more interesting than I thought

Throne of Bhaal ? Chapter 3


Narrator: The party gets back on track, travelling to the Forest of Mir in search of a mysterious temple.
Gorion: Halt! I wish to speak with you, my old ward!
Kirwond: Um?aren?t you dead?
Gorion: Suspend your disbelief for a second so that I can yell at you. Shape up! Fly right! Quit smiting evil and get a real job!
Kirwond: But I have to smite evil! It?s my destiny!
Gorion: Destiny schmestiny. As long as you live under MY roof, you will obey my rules.
Kelsey: But Kir doesn?t live under your roof anymore...
Gorion: And you! You?re clearly a bad influence on my ward, with your swishy pink robes and your feminine name.
Kirwond: You leave my man alone, you big meanie! Hey, what?s that cord?
Gorion: No, don?t touch that!
Narrator: Kirwond discovers that Gorion?s face is in fact a rubber mask. Behind that mask is?
Kirwond: Elminster? No, this can?t be right. *reaches out again*
Narrator: The mask pulls off to reveal?
Everyone: An evil wraith!
Wraith: And I would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn?t been for you pesky kids.

Narrator: Although the party easily defeats the wraith, Kelsey is in no mood for celebration.
Kelsey: My robes are not swishy! Or pink!
Kirwond: Of course not, love. It was all a horrible lie.
Kelsey: And my name?
Kirwond: ?is extremely manly. Just like you.
Kelsey: Awww?you are my favorite heroine. You know, I could really use some?
Kirwond: This forgotten temple to Bhaal is NOT romantic.
Kelsey: But?
Kirwond: Even with scented candles.
Kelsey: Damn.

Narrator: Within the temple lives a batty old woman.
Nyalee: Hee! I know how you can defeat Yaga-Shura! Sneak into the Marching Mountains and bring me his enchanted heart! Then I shall remove the enchantment and braise it with some red wine and mushrooms, and we shall feast!
Keldorn: Ick.
Nyalee: Oh, and bring me some wine! And mushrooms!

Narrator: The party explores the Marching Mountains, finding a temple filled with fire giants. After killing them all, they end up in Yaga-Shura?s bedroom.
Kirwond: If I were an invincible fire giant, where would I keep my only vulnerability?
Imoen: Under the mattress, next to the dirty magazines?
Kirwond: That?s amazing, Imoen. How did you know it would be there?
Imoen: I downloaded the walkthrough.

Helm: Happy advancement to 25th level, Anomen! Here?s a little present from me to you!
Anomen: Wow, a holy symbol. I am truly honored to have attracted such?wait a minute?a holy symbol of Lathander?
Helm: Uh?heheheh?how did that get in there?
Real Helm: Lathander! Are you trying to steal my clerics again?
Lathander: So you have discovered my little plan! *runs away*
Helm: Come back here! *runs after him*
Keldorn: What are you going to do with that, Anomen?
Anomen: I guess I?ll keep it while they sort the whole thing out.

Narrator: The group returns to the little temple in the forest.
Nyalee: You have Yaga-Shura?s heart! Delicious!
Imoen: We brought some wine, too.
Nyalee: So I see? *takes a sip* Wait?wine in a box? You cheap bastards! *dies*
Kelsey: That was unfortunate. Now who will remove the enchantment from the heart?
Imoen: Give it to me. I?ll do it.
Anomen: How do you know what to do?
Imoen: I?m an archmage. I can do anything.
Anomen: Except wear heavy armor. Or raise the dead. Or?
Imoen: Oh, shut up.

Narrator: After a short rest in the pocket plane, the party arrives amidst the smoking ruins of Saradush.
Kirwond: Nice décor. I guess we shouldn?t have messed around in Watcher?s Keep for so long.
Yaga-Shura: Ah, there you are. Do you know what time it is?
Kirwond: Is it Miller time?
Yaga-Shura: No, it?s time for you to die. And don?t point your sword at me?it won?t even leave a scratch.
Kirwond: Ah, but we found your heart, so my sword will carve you up like buttah.
Yaga-Shura: Shoot. What's the point of coming up with clever longevity tricks if they can be undone? *dies*
Keldorn: Try eating your Wheaties. It works for me.

Narrator: The party is whisked to the pocket plane before anyone can loot Yaga-Shura?s corpse.
Imoen: Hey!
Solar: Sorry. I have to ask some questions to find out whether Kirwond is good or evil.
Kirwond: Isn?t it obvious?
Solar. No. Question One. If your mother was planning to sacrifice you to Bhaal and Gorion swooped in to save you from a messy death, how many times should you apologize to Sarevok for being saved instead of him?
Kirwond: Once?
Solar: *makes note on clipboard* Interesting. *disappears*
Kirwond: Was that right or wrong?
Sarevok: I think you should be grovelling at my feet for all eternity, but that?s just me.

Narrator: The party is then returned to the battlefield, free to rob corpses as they please.
Imoen: Yay!
Melissan: Kirwond! I have some more people for you to kill!
Kirwond: Oh, joy.
Melissan: First you need to cross a desert to get to the town of Amkethran, where a friend of mine will take care of you. Then you can go and kill the remaining members of the Five, Sendai and Abazigal.
Kelsey: But that only makes four?
Melissan: Bye! *disappears*
Anomen: Maybe she can?t count.
Kirwond: Yes, I?m sure that explains it.

Throne of Bhaal ? Chapter 4


Narrator: Later that evening, in the pocket plane...
Minsc: I feel very sad today, Boo.
Boo: Squeak?
Minsc: Today is my birthday, and no one has noticed. Not even my witch.
Boo: Squeak?
Minsc: It cannot be a proper birthday without a cake and a song?
Boo: Squeak! *scurries off*
Minsc: Boo? Boo, where are you?
Narrator: Suddenly, the hamster reappears, leading the party into the room with a large cake.
Everyone: *sings* Happy birthday?happy birthday?may the candles on your cake burn like cities in your wake?
Minsc: Boo! They are singing the Barbarian Happy Birthday Song! I am so honored!
Everyone: *sings* Happy birthday?happy birthday?scores of women wail and weep?kill them all but save the sheep!
Minsc: This is the best birthday ever! *blows out candles*

Narrator: After having some cake and fighting through another pocket plane challenge, the party is ready to travel to Amkethran. But in the desert?
General Jamis: Evil Bhaalspawn! The destruction of Saradush shall not go unpunished!
Kirwond: But we?re the good guys!
General: No, we?re the good guys.
Kirwond: Well, this is a pickle. How are we going to figure out who?s right?
General: We?re going to force you to attack us, thereby proving that you?re not so good after all.
Kirwond: I want to go back to the last game. Things were so much simpler.

Narrator: Bloody combat ensues, but Kirwond and companions emerge victorious. They move on to Amkethran.
Balthazar: Hello. You must be Melissan?s new lackey. Here are some maps, now piss off.
Imoen: What a helpful guy. What are the odds that we have to kill him next?
Kirwond: Probably pretty good. What shall we do here besides right wrongs and smite evil?
Anomen: Let?s go to the tavern and buy a few rounds for the townsfolk. Then we can listen to their drunken meanderings and pick up all sorts of useful information about what to do next.
Keldorn: Good idea! That always works in these games.

Narrator: After several hours in the tavern?
Keldorn: So far, we?ve learned that Sendai is a drow, Abazigal has a dragon army, Balthazar is running the village into the ground, and wizards have pointy hats.
Imoen: They do? Maybe I should get one.
Kelsey: Hey, Sarevok?
Sarevok: What? What is it now?
Kelsey: Uh, nothing, I was just?
Sarevok: You were going to tell me how evil I was and that I was unworthy of being your companion, weren?t you? Well, I?m sick of it! How am I supposed to change my alignment with stress like this?
Kelsey: Actually, I was just going to say that your pack strap is looking a little frayed.
Sarevok: What?
Kelsey: *hands him a new one* There you go.
Sarevok: That?s so kind? *sniffle*
Kelsey: Uh, it?s okay. Really. Handkerchief?

Narrator: The party heads for Sendai?s last known location, a quiet wood. All they find is a harmless woodcutter.
Woodcutter: Nope, don?t know nothing about no drow. Nothing to see here, just a quiet wood.
Imoen: Oh, okay. Why do you keep squinting in the light?
Woodcutter: I?um?belong to a tribe of nocturnal woodcutters.
Sarevok: Really. Why do you wear a holy symbol of Lolth?
Woodcutter: Damn! You may have figured me out, but you?ll never find the secret entrance next to the oak tree!
Kirwond: *makes a note* Thank you!
Woodcutter: Argh!

Narrator: The party kills the drow woodcutter and enters Sendai?s secret enclave. After many nasty battles, they reach their goal.
Sendai: You dare intrude upon my sculpting studio! Very well, then, feel free to view my statues, all of which are works of art and are available for purchase.
Kirwond: Goodness. They?re quite?detailed.
Sendai: That?s not all they are?
Narrator: The statues suddenly come to life, becoming killing machines.
Anomen: By Helm?s handbag!
Sendai: Oh, did that surprise you? They?re transformers. They?re more than meets the eye.
Narrator: After a long battle, the party hacks apart the last statue.
Sendai: No! You destroyed them! Now how will I pay my rent?
Kirwond: You won?t have to worry about that for long.

Narrator: With that, she strikes Sendai a shattering blow, sending the Bhaalspawn to the rent-free realms of death. Suddenly, the party feels a tugging. They appear in the pocket plane.
Solar: Welcome back. It?s time for another pop quiz.
Kirwond: Knew I should have studied.
Solar: Question Two. Now that you?ve met your future self, will you say something good or evil?
Kirwond: Oh, I?ll say something good. Definitely.
Solar: Cool. *disappears*



Throne of Bhaal ? Chapter 5


Narrator: The party fights another challenge and sets out to find Abazigal.
Draconis: Who dares disturb Draconis? What reason can you have for coming to this place?
Kelsey: We?ve come to bring you some moisturizer.
Draconis: Oh, thank you! I can?t tell you how much I?ve needed this?the mountain air is so dry, my skin is almost scaly! You may pass.
Imoen: Look! Swimming pools! Let?s put on our chainmail bikinis and do some laps!
Keldorn: Dare I ask what the men will wear?
Imoen: Scale mail speedos? *holds out a pair*
Kelsey: You really shouldn?t have asked.

Narrator: The party swims through the tunnels, killing kuo-toa and eradicating eyeballs. Eventually they arrive in a huge cavern.
Abazigal: Welcome to my lair. I have been waiting for?what are you wearing?
Anomen: None of your business!
Abazigal: Speedos? That is the funniest thing I have ever seen! I think I?m going to? *dies*
Narrator: Yet again, the party is yanked back to the pocket plane.
Solar: That was quick. I don?t have any questions ready. Narrator, cover me while I think of something.

Narrator: Okay. Meanwhile, back in Amkethran?
Balthazar: Melissan, this isn?t fun anymore. I need to do things! I need to practice my kung-fu fighting!
Melissan: Darling, what are you trying to say?
Balthazar: It?s over, Melissan. We?re through. I still love you, but I can?t go on like this. Guards, take her to the dungeon.
Melissan: But what about the nights we shared, the desert passion? Can you truly turn your back on those memories?
Balthazar: One last kiss, then, for old times sake?
Melissan: Yes, Balthazar, ye?

Narrator: We now return you to the pocket plane.
Imoen: But I wanted to see how that turned out!
Narrator: Too bad.
Solar: Now, godchild, you near the end of the game. Things will get more complicated from now on.
Kirwond: Goody.
Solar: Question Three. Why do you think you?ve been killing these Bhaalspawn?
Kirwond: Because Melissan told me to.
Solar: Besides that.
Kirwond: Um?so that they won?t resurrect Bhaal and cause terror and death to sweep the land?
Solar: Very good. Now you know you have one more member of the Five to defeat. Who is it?
Kirwond: Melissan?
Solar: Don?t get ahead of yourself.
Kirwond: Oh, right.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Throne of Bhaal ? Chapter 6


Narrator: As the party reappears in Amkethran, Kelsey clears his throat.
Kelsey: Despite what I said in the last game, I think I?m ready to get married. So I bought you a house.
Kirwond: Am I going to have to clean it?
Kelsey: Of course not. That?s what our invisible stalkers will do.
Kirwond: Okay, then, I accept.
Kelsey: Woohoo! Here?s your enchanted engagement ring.
Kirwond: You do know that I?m a cavalier and therefore immune to fear already, right?
Kelsey: Uh?
Kirwond: That?s okay. It?s the thought that counts.

Narrator: Before they can go too far, Kelsey spies his uncle Birinar.
Kelsey: You!
Birinar: Um?hi. How?s it going?
Kelsey: Kelvim told me all about the slaves and drugs and sorcery. What?s up with that?
Birinar: Lies! Vicious slander!
Kelsey: And the family discount?
Birinar: Uh?heheheh?yes?okay, I did it! I did all of it!
Kelsey: You sad little man. You?re going down. Give me your ring.
Birinar: But?
Kelsey: Or I?ll fireball you so hard that there will be nothing left of you but ash.
Birinar: Okay, okay... *hands over ring and leaves*
Kirwond: Wow, Kelsey, that was so?forceful.
Kelsey: Do away with the family discount?I should have fireballed him from behind.
Kirwond: I?m so turned on, I don?t even think I need a scented candle.
Kelsey: Really? Maybe we should head for the inn anyway. Sand in uncomfortable places and all that.

Narrator: The party rounds the corner and meets up with a familiar face from the past.
Saemon Havarian: Hiya, babe!
Kirwond: Oh, no.
Saemon: No, no, I?m here to help you get inside Balthazar?s fortress. Really. Won?t you trust me?
Kirwond: I?m probably being an idiot, but what the hell. Let?s go.

Narrator: Amazingly, Saemon does exactly what he says he will. Inside the fortress, the party confronts Balthazar.
Kirwond: You! You?re one of the Five, aren?t you!
Balthazar: Yes, but I?m only going along with them for the greater good. My plan is to kill all the Bhaalspawn and then myself, and therefore prevent Bhaal from being resurrected.
Kirwond: Oh. Um. Hmmm. That actually does sound like a solution. Except that I don?t want to be dead.
Imoen: Neither do I!
Balthazar: Too bad.
Kirwond: Look, can?t we work something out?
Balthazar: Do you have the Ascension mod installed?
Kirwond: Uh, no.
Balthazar: Then your puny attempts to change my mind will not work! I challenge you to mortal combat!

Narrator: Round one! Fight!
Kirwond: Flaming Sword Attack!
Balthazar: Drunken Monkey Stumble!
Kirwond: Flying Bhaalspawn Kick!
Balthazar: Urgh?
Narrator: FINISH HIM!
Kirwond: 4-Hit Combo! Holy Avenger Strike!
Balthazar: You may have won this round, but my faithful minion Subzero will defeat you. *dies*
Narrator: Fatality! Flawless Victory!
Subzero: I shall never surrender!
Narrator: Round two! Fight!
Kirwond: Oh, the hell with this. *lops off Subzero?s head*
Narrator: Awwww?oh well. The party gets sucked back into the pocket plane.

Solar: Here I am, godchild! You are almost at the end?or the beginning. I?ve brought a friend.
Melissan: Hello, Kirwond.
Kirwond: Melissan!
Melissan: I am not Melissan. I am Amelyssan the Blackhearted, and you have been duped into furthering my evil scheme!
Anomen: Oh, man, I knew this was going to happen.
Sarevok: Yes, yes, we all knew this was going to happen. Just let her get on with the exposition.
Amelyssan: Yes, it was I who had you kill all of the Bhaalspawn, releasing their essence to my computer. And now I shall harness its energy and become a god.
Kirwond: We will stop you, Melissan?
Amelyssan: Amelyssan.
Kirwond: Whatever. We will stop you, for the sake of all we hold dear, no matter the cost. This kind of evil plotting cannot be allowed.
Amelyssan: Yeah? Bring it on. *disappears*
Solar: Guess I don?t even need to ask you a question. That was so goody-goody it made even me want to puke. Better get your equipment in order. You?re going to need it.

Narrator: But first, Sarevok has something to say.
Sarevok: *pulls out character sheet* You know, I?ve had so much fun with you that I?ve decided to change my alignment. *crosses out Chaotic Evil and writes in Chaotic Good*
Kirwond: Wow. Thanks, Sarevok. What changed your mind?
Sarevok: You?ve shown me that are a lot of advantages to being good. You get better prices. And those annoying soldiers don?t spawn every few steps.
Imoen: Don?t forget that you can still steal things. Just don?t get caught and your reputation will remain sky-high!
Kirwond: And you can still kill people, so long as you spout righteous doctrine before you do it! Everything?s okay so long as you?re saving the world!
Kelsey: Speaking of which, when you?re done saving the world this time, you?re going to come home with me, right? And get married, right?
Kirwond: I said I would, didn?t I?
Kelsey: Just checking.



Throne of Bhaal ? Chapter 7


Narrator: After saying goodbye to Jaheira, Mazzy, Valygar, Nalia, Aerie, and Minsc, the party goes through the spooky pocket plane doorway for the final time.
Imoen: I wonder what happens to all of our friends. Do they get dumped out somewhere?
Kirwond: Who knows? Maybe they get stuck with Cespenar for all eternity.
Amelyssan: So, you have finally shown up. Took you long enough. Now I can kill you and take the throne that is not mine by right!

Narrator: The party fights desperately, eventually prevailing.
Amelyssan: Damn! Excuse me, just got to go and freshen up. *disappears*
Anomen: What the hell?
Sarevok: Don?t ask, just heal. I?m sure she?ll be right back.
Amelyssan: There. Now that my makeup has been reapplied, I?m tougher than ever!
Kirwond: Where did you go? There?s no ladies? room in the Abyss.
Amelyssan: I went to that big energy pool right in the center of the screen. Really, how could you miss it?

Narrator: After another bloody battle, the outcome is once again in the party?s favor.
Amelyssan: Ah, shoot. Excuse me again.
Imoen: Remind me why we keep letting her run off?
Keldorn: It?s this stupid chivalry thing.
Kelsey: Well, that last battle was a bit tough, but now we can finally defeat Amelyssan once and for?
Amelyssan: I?ve got my third wind!
Kelsey: No! You only get two winds! First wind and second wind!
Amelyssan: That stuff?s for mortals. I can go all night.

Narrator: Amelyssan starts to sit up. Any minute now, she?ll leave the energy pool!
Keldorn: We can?t win like this! We need another plan!
Kirwond: Oh, what the hell. This works in the movies. How do you upload a virus to the energy pool?
Kelsey: You have to hit the big red button marked ?Upload Virus?.
Kirwond: Oh, yeah. Thanks! *hits button*
Amelyssan: No! What?s happening? My power?it?s?corrupted! *dies*
Kirwond: Should?ve done your LiveUpdates.

Solar: Good job, godchild. That will teach everyone to use their Norton utilities. Now, you have a big choice coming up.
Kirwond: Me?
Solar: No, the other one.
Imoen: Thank you!
Solar: Imoen, do you want to keep your Bhaal essence?
Imoen: Hell, no! It keeps telling me to eat cookies! How am I supposed to keep my girlish figure like this?
Solar: Good. Now you, Kirwond. You have two choices.
Kirwond: Are they about the wedding? I mean, the catering alone?
Solar: No, no. This is about bigger things than that. Now, the first choice is regarding your unborn child?
Kelsey: WHAT?
Kirwond: Honestly, Kelsey, I told you about it in Suldanessellar. I thought you said you had a good memory.
Kelsey: I thought you said you were kidding.
Solar: You can discuss this at a later time. Kirwond, do you intend to keep the child or should I terminate the?
Kirwond: Torm?s mercy, no. I?m keeping her. Him. Whatever.
Kelsey: Whew!
Solar: Now, you must choose. Either become a god or give up your Bhaal essence and remain mortal. You have sixty seconds to decide, beginning?NOW!

Narrator: (*Jeopardy theme begins to play*) The hardest sixty seconds of Kirwond?s life begin?and the strain is taking its toll. Will she become a power of the planes, or will she finally be free from the taint of?
Kirwond: Will you shut up? It?s hard enough making a decision like this without having you blathering all over the place. Keldorn, what should I do?
Keldorn: I don?t know about you, but I could never become a god. I couldn?t leave Maria alone like that.
Imoen: But you?re leaving her alone right now!
Keldorn: That?s different.
Kirwond: Okay. Anomen?
Anomen: If you become a god, I can?t haunt your home in the constant hope that Kelsey will die.
Kelsey: Hey!
Anomen: So I think you should stay.
Kirwond: Sarevok?
Sarevok: Give the essence to me, and I?ll become a god. Oh, wait, that?s the evil Sarevok speaking. Never mind.
Kirwond: Right. Imoen?
Imoen: I think you should stay?but then it would be really cool if you went and became a god and stuff. I?m not very helpful, am I?
Kirwond: No, you?re not. Kelsey? What should I do?
Kelsey: What have I constantly been telling you throughout this game? Stay here with me!

Solar: Your time is up. Kirwond, what is your decision?
Kirwond: I choose to be?
Kelsey: Yes?
Solar: Yes?
Kirwond: ?mortal.
Kelsey: WOOHOO!!! *gives Kirwond a big kiss*
Imoen: Group hug!
Narrator: Now I?m going to puke.

Kelsey: This is going to be great! We?ll travel back to the Deepwash to get married, and I?m sure we?ll see Kelvim and Mirena along the way. And Jaheira can officiate?
Anomen: Or I could do it.
Kirwond: Yes, Jaheira can officiate. And Imoen can be my maid of honor.
Imoen: Do I have to wear a dress?
Kirwond: Yes.
Imoen: Oh, no! Solar, hurry up and take away her essence before she says?
Kirwond: A big puffy pink dress. With a butt bow.
Imoen: Argh! Too late!

Narrator: After the solar removed the taint of Bhaal from Kirwond and Imoen, she teleported the party back to Faerun, where they met up with their friends, as well as Kelvim and Mirena. You can read the epilogues for details, but I can assure you that they all lived happily ever after. The End.