Sola's FF: The Turnip Named Desire

I am not sure why I have not seen Solaufein FF... Here is one very much devoted to the brooding Drow. And Jan. And Jaheira. And Imoen. And Anomen. And the modding community...

A Turnip Named Desire (a tale of vegetables, love and intrigue)

Part I: A Very Special Letter

Sir Anomen Delryn?s face was sour. Despite the fact that the food on his plate was barely touched, it was not the quality of the sausages in ?Five Flagons? that made his complexion greenish. After all, he was a strong man with an iron stomach. The only thing he would not eat was turnip, and even this phobia was recent. Anomen sighed; that impossible gnome, Jan Jansen!

He knew few things with such certainty as he knew this: he detested? nay, he loathed Jan Jansen. During the months they had spent in the same party, the gnome had done his best to ridicule the knight in every possible way. His ludicrous and insulting yarns about knights and paladins in general, and about Anomen in particular, were bad enough, but even worse were the practical jokes.

He gritted his teeth while thinking about the mice in his armor, the cow dung in his helmet, the time his armor-polish had been replaced with tar, and the countless other embarrassing episodes. However, the last drop that had made his fury and desire for vengeance overflow was the ants in his britches this morning; his skin still itched and stung from the experience. Where Jan had managed to find red ants in the city, he knew not, but Anomen was sure the gnome had to be responsible for the travesty. He winced as he remembered running around the upper floor of the Five Flagons while hitting his own behind and desperately trying to pull his britches off. He had ended the agony by plunging from his window into the murky water of the river, and even though he had washed several times, he still thought he could smell an aroma emanating from himself, of fish and beggars? bodies abundant in the shallow waters of the Bridge District.

The only comfort was that Sinober had not been there to observe the humiliating spectacle. Ah, fair Sinober, the sweetest creature in all of Faerun, the guiding light of his life. The mere thought of her cooled down Anomen?s anger for a moment. He had never imagined that someone tickling him under his chin and telling him not to be such a ?grumpy little knighty-bear? would make him feel misty and warm all over, but there it was. Lately there had been precious little tickling though, or hugging or kissing or? or any other kind of physical displays of affection.

She was too busy both with recruiting help to fight Bodhi, and promoting the play that was scheduled to open in a few days, to have time for him now or to heed the activities of the rest of the party. In addition, she had changed. She was no longer the same sweet girl he had met in the Copper Coronet all those tendays ago. Of course, he could not blame Jan for that, even though he very much wanted to. Irenicus was the one who had stolen the soul of his beloved, caused her to temporarily turn into a red giant cockroach who attacked everything in sight, and robbed her of her delicate sensibilities, so she had actually started to laugh at Jan?s Ano the Dungorc stories.

Once he started thinking about Jan and his antics again, his mood instantly worsened. Yet, Anomen had not spent all this time in the company of the incurable gnomish joker without learning a thing or two, and he had worked out a prank of his own.

The knight smiled. Helm would not forbid him this small mischief. After all Jan was profaning Helm as well. Verily, only three days before (Anomen checked his little black book, which he used to log Jan?s tricks), Jan had compared Helm to his drunken idiot of a brother, who apparently watched over his wife?s (the drunken idiot?s wife, not Helm?s) many affairs, always waiting and observing carefully but never taking any action at all.

Anomen looked around warily. The corner he occupied seemed particularly shady; beyond the dancing circle of light created by a smoldering lamp, part of his table drowned in pitch-black darkness. The tavern was mostly empty this early in the morning, and none of his companions were present. The setting was just perfect for his not-so-honest endeavor.

On the table in front of him was a sheet of parchment, an inkwell and a pen. He grabbed the pen, as if it were a magical weapon waiting for his hand to wield it, and wrote:

?To My Sweet Jaheira, ? Over-the-top flattery would probably not be the best choice here, so he settled on continuing with something more down-to-earth: ?When I am around you, I am reminded of root vegetables. Your hair smells like my ma?s homemade turnip pie (really good).? Growing confident with the style, he decided to add more reflections about her body. ?Your ears are like carefully carved early potatoes, your lips are like radishes, fresh from the field (without dirt on them, of course).? He thought he was getting the hang of it now. ?Your figure is like a carrot leaf, slender and graceful.? Yes, that would work nicely. Now it was time to finish it. ?With respectful regards, Your Secret Admirer.? After a moment of hesitation, he added: ?PS: You have very nice balconies too?

As he folded the letter neatly into a small square, sealed it and put it in his pocket, an evil grin spread on Anomen's face and he started to snicker. At last, he would get his revenge on that blasted gnome. Suddenly he felt someone watching him, and a loud ?Heya? from behind him confirmed his suspicions. He whirled around and saw Imoen studying him with her head aslant.

?How? how long have you been standing there?? he asked, anxiously.

The girl shrugged. ?Long enough to hear ya chuckle like a deranged chicken. So what?s so funny??

?Oh, nothing much,? he replied evenly, ignoring the poultry comparison, ?I was just taking care of some?err? private correspondence. Now, if you will excuse me young lady?? He gave her a slight bow and hurried away before she had a chance to reply.


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Imoen tapped a finger against her temple. She could not imagine that even Anomen could laugh at his own private correspondence. Good thing he was gone. Wow! Even the dark corner did not seem so gloomy after the cranky knight left. Imoen gazed after Anomen, as he ran upstairs. If she weren?t so distracted by contemplating that she would never understand what Sinober found attractive about the man, she would probably have noticed that Anomen?s shadow was unusually dark and long.


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Now the time had come for the second stage of Anomen?s plan: the delivery. He had seen Jaheira leave the inn earlier, but still he figured the risk of discovery was the greatest during his excursion to Jaheira?s door. To reduce this particular danger, he had invested in a potion of Haste. He gulped it down before approaching the door to Jaheira?s room and within six seconds, he slid the letter under the door and dashed into his own room two doors further down the hall. Now he thought he only needed to wait for the druid to detonate on the gnome like a Half-Elven fireball blast.

Just to make sure, he turned and looked back before closing the door behind him; the letter was lying in the middle of the hall, instead of settling itself comfortably in the room. Anomen swore, went back, and bent down to inspect the sill under Jaheira?s door. Stupid innkeeper! Stupid architect! The threshold inside the room was too high for him to push the letter in. One potion ill wasted? Anomen whispered yet another curse and looked around carefully, feeling a veritable thief. The corridor was empty and dimly lit? he took a deep breath, slowly turned the doorknob and entered Jaheira?s room.


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Meanwhile Jaheira, blissfully ignorant about the knight?s plan, sat in a small garden at the Government District meditating on the leaf of an oak. She had just assumed the very complicated Position of the Gnarly Pine and was about to reach a feeling of oneness with the leaf, when she felt someone trigger the wards she had placed in her room back at the inn. That ruined her concentration completely. Grumbling, she untangled her limbs from each other, rose to her feet, and strode in the direction of the Bridge District, ready to cast a lightning strike or five at the intruder.


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Inside his globe of darkness, Solaufein of Ust-Natha chuckled. He had spent his morning watching the surfacer?s clumsy attempt at intrigue, and entertaining himself with anticipating the ultimate outcome of it. So far, it looked like the knight?s endeavor would be crowned with success?. But lo! The day was still young and just as Solaufein started to believe that the result was given; Lady Luck smiled at him and threw an opportunity his way. His sensitive Elven ears caught a sound of steps he knew from any else. The Drow smiled. Now, this was more like an intrigue. He dispelled his globe of darkness and barred the way to Sinober.

?Is not it interesting my dear friend how the simplest things might become complex?? asked Solaufein cryptically.

Sinober startled and stared at her mysterious companion in exasperation. ?Solaufein, I am in no mood for guessing games. Nor am I in the mood for another one of your lectures? Look, the actors are trying their best to drive me nuts. One of them decided that he saw a ghost, and now they do not sleep out of fear, which impairs their already poor performance beyond belief. A bunch of lazy elves wants me to get rid of their sworn enemy and save yet another city and??

?My poor Sinober, it must be tiring to have so many duties. How fortunate it is that such a loyal and true knight as Sir Anomen is by your side?? Solaufein felt sweat beading at his forehead: the second layer of the intrigue, the true intrigue started to form. The Drow would be amused if Jaheira clobbered Jan to pieces, but that was just a petty joke. If his improvisation succeeded, he would stand a chance to obtain something more precious than a good laugh. Namely Sinober?s heart.

He had to admit to himself that at first he had only been attracted to her because she was the leading female of the group, and on the surface, he was dependent on her support to survive. But in addition she was the complete opposite of any Drow female he had known (especially Phare), and he could not help but feel drawn to her. Yes, to become her companion would certainly be a reward worth playing a game of intrigue.

In a dramatic gesture, Solaufein opened his arms wide, gripped the ends of his cloak and made a show of obstructing the view of the rest of the hall to Sinober. As he thought, Sinober, the perfect woman she was, could not resist the temptation to see what he was trying to hide from her. She glanced over Solaufein?s shoulder right in time to see Sir Anomen Delryn exiting Jaheira?s room, stepping softly and closing the door with gentle care.

?My dear Solaufein,? sang Sinober, wrapping her arm around Solaufein?s, ?what was that you were saying about the complexity of simple things?? Solaufein made a graceful turn, for he did not wish to miss Anomen?s facial expression.

The Drow was disappointed. The man?s blue eyes shone with the most sincere innocence and his full lips opened in an admiring smile. ?Sinober! I am glad to see you, my Love. I ran out of potions and my old wounds did not give me rest?? A couple of blue vials popped out of Delryn?s pockets and he had another half-emptied one in his hands?. Solaufein figured that he had underestimated his opponent. The Drow had lost this round hands down, but what was one round in a game?

?Oh, my poor darling!? Sinober exclaimed, rushing towards Anomen and hugging him. ?I have neglected you terribly lately. Are you hurt??

For a while, Solaufein stoically listened to the tender nonsense that followed. Then he quietly withdrew to his room.

A Turnip Named Desire
Part II: Intrigue 101

Drawing helped Solaufein think. He pulled out his large notebook and a quill, and in just a few artful strokes, he outlined a very angry half-elven woman with a club in her hand, followed by a small vivid gnome, whose mouth was spitting words and words and words? In front of the couple, he added a large, terrified knight running away very fast. Yes, thought Solaufein, it is difficult to withstand Jan, and it is almost impossible to ignore Jaheira?s sharp remarks. How about both of them teaming up against one person? Would that person stay with the group for long?

Solaufein ripped the drawing from the notebook and thoughtfully touched the flickering fire of the candle with the paper?s edge. Rotating the burning piece so not to burn his sensitive fingers, Solaufein watched the flame, mesmerized. Just like flames, a good plot consisted of many layers and many shades, and just like flames, it could burn the one who set it if he was not careful enough. Anomen typically showed the same level of precaution as a drunken duergar trying to court a Matron Mother. Well, the surfacer would soon learn a lesson in the art of intrigue.

Solaufein threw the burning paper in the metal basket and paced the little room, filled the air with words in Drow, sorted out the right ones for translation and affixed them on a piece of thin, almost translucent birch bark he had sacrificed for the purpose.


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The only thing Jaheira found, when she stormed into her room, was a folded piece of parchment on her pillow. Cautiously, she picked it up and studied it; she saw no writings on the outside. She broke the seal and unfolded it, half expecting something unpleasant to fall out, but all she discovered was a message written in a very elaborate hand. As she read, her eyes first widened in surprise at the content, then they narrowed into two angry slits and she snorted with fury. This time the gnome had gone too far! Sending her an ?anonymous? mock love letter like this? had he no shame? Nice balconies, indeed! And for this stupidity, she had abandoned the oak leaf? When she was finished with Jansen, he would have a bump on his head the size of a temple dome.

Determined, she got out her staff, but as she was about to leave her room to go gnome hunting, a thought suddenly struck her: what if Jan had meant the letter to be serious? She tapped her fingers pensively against the doorframe while she considered this. Could Jan actually be? infatuated with her? She retrieved the letter, and read it again.

From the contents alone, she could not tell tell. Perhaps Jan considered comparing someone to root vegetables the highest praise he could give. How well did she really know Jan, anyway? Of course, they had been traveling together for a while now; fought battles together, shared meals and so on, but had she ever actually tried to get know him? What did she really know about the gnome aside from all the turnip talk, griffin stories and other silliness? It was difficult to say for sure what went on underneath the mask people choose to show the world sometimes.

After all, before she got to know Khalid, she had thought he was just a stammering insecure man, but as they became closer acquainted she had found that he was a wonderful, kind person, and she had fallen in love with him and?. No. She did not wish to think about that now. Besides, she could hardly compare the two of them. Khalid had been like a tall and slender birch, sturdy yet flexible. Jan reminded her more of? well? shrubbery. Jaheira could not imagine herself becoming romantically involved with Jan, but she did not wish to hurt his feelings either. It seemed she would have to handle this situation with caution and tact, so she left her staff behind in her room when she ventured out in the hallway.


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Jan was sleeping peacefully when something collided hard against his behind, as if someone had thrown a turnip at him. Nay, thought Jan sleepily, who would ruin an innocent turnip for the sake of hitting my bottom?

The gnome released his pillow uneasily and set up on his bed, grumbling and ready to cast the Polymorph Other into a Squirrel spell? Not that he particularly wanted to polymorph someone, but it was the only offensive spell he had managed to memorize before falling asleep. When he glanced around the room, Jan discovered to his surprise that except for a solitary turnip lying on the floor, he was alone.

How that pink shade on the vegetable's rounded sides reminded him of Lissa?s blushing cheeks when he first kissed her! A beautiful purple ribbon wrapped around the vegetable and tied into an intricate bow, made it look even more attractive. Jan sighed and picked the turnip up. Tucked behind the ribbon he found a thin birch bark scroll. Jan unwrapped the strange letter carefully and read:

?My secretly beloved!?

Jan stopped. The letter would definitely have to be intended for someone else? but it WAS after all attached to a turnip?. He considered it very unlikely that there were other people than himself staying at the inn who declared their love for turnips openly.

Therefore Jan continued reading:

?My secretly beloved!

At last, I dare to pour out my heart on this virginal piece of bark? I can see the greatness of a mighty oak in an acorn, and I can see a man behind the masque. We have so much in common and so much to share and to give to each other, that it is truly a mismanagement of resources to keep the tender wild flower of love from blooming in our hearts. Since you would not take charge, I command thee to trust my judgment and follow my lead.

We shall talk soon, my sweet vegetarian?

Your nightingale??

Jan swallowed. He knew only one woman in the whole world capable of mixing wildflowers and leadership aspirations: Jaheira? Jan massaged his temple. What would they say if he showed up at home with a tall woman? Alright, maybe this woman had a tiny nose, but still she was not that bad looking? What would Lissa think? Would she be a little bit jealous? Maybe she would even regret her decision? Oh, who was he kidding! Lissa was still in love with that cheap trickster of a husband!

He, Jan Jansen had no obligations whatsoever and if he wanted to fall for a tall woman, he would do so. After all, why not? Yes, may be she had a tiny nose and her temperament? temperament? Jan?s hands trembled. He realized he was walking on very thin ice. If he turned Jaheira down, there was no guarantee that she would not smash him to pieces. On the other hand, if he accepted Jaheira?s love? what if he disappointed her? She would smash him to pieces!

Jan crawled back into bed and was going to take a bite off the beautiful turnip to comfort himself, but then he changed his mind, stroked the vegetable tenderly and told it: ?Do not worry, young pretty? I will not eat you. Here, do you want to be called Lissa??

The gnome hid his new friend in his backpack and his thoughts returned back to his Jaheira dilemma. He sighed. The only way to deal with the situation was to go and talk to her carefully. If the passion did not have too tight a grip on the druid, then he stood a chance of talking some sense into her and convincing her to give him up. Jan started to dress slowly, having no idea that at that very time a half-steaming druid was walking towards his room.


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As Jaheira came out of her room, Solaufein materialized by her side and got a hold of her elbow:

?My dear friend?? he started. Jaheira shook of the Drow in one angry motion.

?Everyone in a hurry nowadays?? said Solaufein. To Jaheira?s irritation, he continued to cling to her. ?Imagine, I have seen Anomen writing in a hurry, then running around in a hurry? Is that your room, by the way?? He nodded in the direction of her door.

Jaheira scowled at the drow. ?Yes!? she shouted, desperately wanting him to take a hint and go away.

?Funny?? he mumbled in reply, ?I think I have seen Anomen entering it?never mind, must be a memory glitch?. Oh, sorry for keeping you from your chores, Jaheira? nobody listens to my musings today, nobody?.? With that Solaufein was gone.

Jaheira tried to digest the information. Anomen had been in her room? Whatever reason could he have for trespassing? might it be that the silly knight wrote the letter? But what if it was Jan? Solaufein?s words were too vague? he was unsure if he had seen Anomen? and after all, Solaufein was a poet, and poets could hardly be considered a reliable source for facts. She would still have to talk to Jan. Jaheira directed herself to the gnome?s room.

Just as she was about to knock on his door, it opened and she was left standing with her fist raised in the air. The gnome standing on the other side of the threshold stared at her with bright eyes rapidly increasing in size, his glance glued to her fist. ?Jaheira! You know, I? I was hoping I would run into you,? the gnome stammered in a fashion quite unlike him and licked his lips nervously.

A strange feeling flooded Jaheira. ?Why,? she thought, ?why would he be so frightened of me?? If he indeed was attracted to her, it would be natural that he acted a little awkwardly, but scared? Had she become so rough, that even a man in love with her? she shook her head. After all, this was Jan Jansen she was facing. Still, the druid decided to try to make him feel more comfortable, so she flashed the gnome as friendly a smile as she could manage under the circumstances.

?What a coincidence,? she commented, ?since I was just about to seek you out. May I come in for a moment? We need to talk?

?Err? if you don?t mind, I would prefer to talk out here in the hall,? he piped in, and closed the door behind him. Of course, Jaheira thought, he does not want there to be any gossip.

?As, you wish, though maybe we should find a dark quiet corner somewhere to continue our conversation, since this is a private matter after all? she suggested.

?Fine by me,? the gnome said and shot a quick glance at her. ?As long as it isn?t too dark and not too far removed from the civilization. You know, this reminds me of the time when Uncle Perouse went searching for the New World? ?

Gritting her teeth, Jaheira remembered her desire to comfort the gnome. It greatly surprised her now. Jan, however, noticed the maiden?s annoyance, and stopped in half-flight.

?I am terribly sorry, Jaheira. I understand that you have no interest in Uncle Perouse and the yellow dog Bobby he met in the uncharted lands? I?I think you have come to retrieve this?? and Jan quickly extended her a small scroll, tied carefully with a purple ribbon. ?If you do not mind, I?ll keep the turnip?It reminds me of the time when Lissa and I were engaged??

Jaheira swallowed with difficulty, her throat suddenly dry. How could a turnip remind him of a woman? Jan had apparently lost what little mind he had because of his love for her. ?Well I suppose you can keep the? the vegetable if you wish?? said she weakly.

Jan pushed the scroll into her palm. Birch bark scroll. A letter? Almost guessing what she was going to see, Jaheira unrolled the bark piece.

?My secretly beloved!? she read.

?I have not read it!? exclaimed Jan, panicking and trying to deny the obvious. However, he had enough wits left to keep his hand on the door handle.

?We will have to go inside and discuss the matter,? said Jaheira firmly, browsing the letter. Jan obeyed, but his face turned beet-red.

Once in Jan?s room, Jaheira slammed the door shut and shouted in disgust: ?We are being toyed with!?

Jansen stared at her in disbelief: ?What?? Jaheira immediately produced the letter starting with ?To My Sweet Jaheira?? and waited on Jan to become aquatinted with its content, watching many sunset-like shades flush his cheeks while he read.

?So, what do you think? ? inquired Jaheira.

?Your hair does not smell like my ma?s homemade turnip pie. Ma Jansen was never good with pies, you see. We always had to ask my aunt Marta (twice-removed aunt, mind you) to bake turnip pie for the Midwinter, exactly because my ma?s pie usually smelled of fish for some reason (and obviously, your hair does not smell of fish). Aunt Marta said once that it was because ma Jansen puts fish in her turnip pie, and ma got very cross because apparently that is her secret ingredient. They parted on the worst of terms and we never had a turnip pie after that. Baked turnip, boiled turnip, fried turnip, turnip a-la-Rasheman, turnip stuffed with turnip and carrots??

?Jan!? Jaheira stomped her foot impatiently.

Jan sighed dreamily; she figured he was still involved with the vision of the turnip dishes. Her voice made him snap out of it though, and he finished his reasoning: ?The point is, that if it was I who wrote that letter, I?d say that your hair smells like twice-removed aunt Marta?s turnip pie.?

Jaheira nodded, happy that the family saga was relevant to the case for once.

?And I did not write this?? the druid said, and put the bark scroll on the table. ?I dearly want to know who the author is.?

Jan nodded: ?Me too.? He placed the second letter side by side with Jaheira?s.

The half-elf was musing on whether to tell Jan about Solaufein?s revelations or not, when Jan jumped into the air and yelled: ?Those are two different hands!?

Jaheira gave a quick glance to Jan?s small puffy fingers, gesticulating with a speed almost matching Jan?s words: ?Yes; so what??

Jan sighed very patiently and pointed to the letters: ?Two persons wrote these, or my Cousin Willy was named Marcia. Well actually in a way he was? but never mind that right now. Why would TWO people send us idiotic love letters on the same day??

Jaheira scratched her head: ?I have a theory. Solaufein told me that he had seen Anomen exiting my room??

?Oh, that knightly twit! I am going to show him!? Jaheira caught Jan by his belt and the gnome was suddenly airborne, his legs pumping vigorously.

?Slow down, Jan. Solaufein is not exactly Aerie, who is known for her chronicle inability to lie and her centuries-long cultivated innocence. For all we know Solaufein might have written those letters with his left hand and his right foot. We will have to investigate the matter cautiously and only when we find out who the culprit is, can we exact our revenge.?

Jan suddenly smiled. ?We??

Jaheira slowly set Jan back to his feet, straightened his shirt and sang in the sweetest voice: ?Yes, my dear Jan, us; as in you and me. A team.? While she talked, Jaheira noticed Jan staring at her with admiration in his big brown eyes, and for a moment, she thought he looked almost? cute. She shuddered slightly before blushing and looking away, surprised at the sudden feeling. ?Now enough of this small talk. We shall have to make plans,? she finished.

?Wait, Jaheira. Your talk about you and me? how about we start our vengeance immediately and also put a smoke screen around our investigation.? Jan said.

Jaheira?s smile became very unkind: ?Are you thinking what I think you are thinking, gnome??

?Well, I am not sure that you are thinking what I am thinking that I was thinking about? Phooey! Jaheira, you are worse than Grandma Gretchen! Now, please listen??

Generally, if Jan asked her to listen, she would start to run, but this time to her astonishment, Jaheira found herself full of anticipation.

A Turnip Named Desire
Part III: Love is a Weird Vegetable

Anomen had heard Jaheira come back and enter her room earlier, and he had been waiting impatiently for a long while for his labor to become rewarded by the sight and sound of a terrified gnome chased by an irate druid. He was so distracted by the thought of this, that he had problems concentrating on listening to Sinober tell him about how awful her morning had been.

?And then I told Higgold that he really should try talking to Jenna about biting her nails during her performance, but he is so afraid of hurting her feelings, you see,? the bard sighed.

?Mmhmm,? Anomen commented, while absentmindedly rubbing her shoulder.

?I mean, we can not have a Karenina who stands there chewing on her fingers while Velden is delivering some of the most important lines in the whole play. Even old Higgold have to understand that, don?t you agree knighty-bear?? she continued.

?Hmmm,? he replied.

Suddenly a pillow hit his face. ?You have not been listening to a word I have said, have you!? Sinober got out of the bed, and put her arms akimbo while giving him an angry stare. Anomen looked back in confusion.

?I? of course I listened to you, my love,? he protested.

?Oh really? Then tell me what I said!? she demanded.

?You said? something about Higgold? um? biting Karenina?s finger?? he improvised.

She continued to stare at him for a while without saying anything. Then she turned away from him, donned her armor, picked up her weapons, and headed for the door.

"I shall be out for the remainder of the day," she declared icily.

"But?but Sinober, where are you going? I worry when you wander around alone. Please, allow me to come with you!" Anomen pleaded. "I can help you with the actors too if you desire?" he added tentatively.

"I am not going down to the play house. Higgold can deal with the actors... after all that is what I hired him to do. Besides, why should I even care when my own lover does not! Let Karenina eat her stupid nails! Maybe the audience will sympathize. Maybe the critics will consider it an art nouveau tendency. I just? do not care!? Sinober?s voice brimmed with tearful disappointment and she paused for a moment to regain control of it, before she continued: ?In any case? I have more important things to worry about. I need to talk to Aran about our attack against Bodhi. Hopefully, he will listen to what I say!?

She opened the door, and turned to face him again: ?Oh? and you need not bother waiting up for me tonight! I have no desire to be on the same plane, let alone in the same bed as you!"

Anomen winced as the door slammed shut behind the livid Sinober. He knew that if he followed her, she would only become more infuriated. His shoulders sagged, and he sighed. Mayhap he deserved a scolding for being in a preoccupied state of mind when he should devote his attention his beloved, but surely, he had not been that indifferent towards her trials? had he? He knew Sinober's sudden outbursts though; they were mostly a product of her dark heritage, and fortunately, they would pass quickly.

?By nightfall, she will cool down,? the knight thought, ?and then everything will be back to normal.?


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In the tavern?s common room, Solaufein was nursing a drink and considering the inexplicable ways of the surfacer's version of love. If he had understood it correctly, they considered it a matter of accidental predestination. Love could strike anyone, anywhere? but only if it was meant to be. According to the stories he had read, it seemed that the more unlikely it was that someone should fall in love, the more likely it was that they WOULD fall in love.

Barriers like family feuds, wars, angry gods, and even time and distance, did not discourage the most eager ones from striving to reach the one they were destined to be with. Of course, sometimes they would only get to be together for a few moments before dying in each other?s arms, or being turned into household articles by some god with an odd sense of humor. Solaufein thought this arrangement was peculiar (though granted, it HAD resulted in some of the most lovely romantic poetry written) but he could believe that it was possible.

What he could not believe however, was that Jaheira and Jan were in love with each other. He glanced at them from under the hood of his cloak, and took another sip of his drink.

?Jan, darling,? he heard Jaheira say in a throaty voice, ?will you tell me the story about your uncle Walter and the turnip shortage again? I simply adore that one.?

?Of course, Jah dearest,? Jan replied, ?you know I?d do anything for you.?

Solaufein winced. For the last half turn of the hourglass, he had watched them coo each other, foot flirt, and make inane faces at each other. He had heard Jaheira call Jan her ?sweet little bramble?. He had heard Jan tell Jaheira that she was the ?cutest turnip-cheeked girl? he had ever met. This was not what he had anticipated would happen, and he was sure he could not be so bad at judging character. The display only served to make him suspicious, and he wondered what the two were up to. He decided he would try to find out later, when they were unaware of his presence.

Listening to the gnome telling Jaheira stories about his family did not exactly fit the drow?s idea about interesting entertainment, and since they were hardly likely to reveal their intent while he was around, Solaufein was about to leave, when the sound of heavy footsteps on the stairs signified that the knight was approaching. This, he thought, should be more enjoyable.

The footsteps came closer, and then they stopped by his table. Solaufein looked up at Anomen. The other man stared at the gnome and the half-elf with his mouth open. ?Wha? what is going on?? he asked.

?It appears that love has struck in unlikely places,? Solaufein commented. ?Is it not a beautiful sight to behold??

Anomen looked at the drow as if he had lost his mind. ?Beautiful?! That is Jaheira and Jan!?

?Yes,? Solaufein agreed.

?They are holding hands!?

?Yes it appears they are.?

?Helm?s? beard?? Anomen said in a weak voice, and sagged into a chair. ?How did this happen? WHEN did this happen??

Solaufein shrugged. ?Who knows? Maybe they have been secretly in love for a long time??

The knight did not reply; he continued to stare at the implausible lovers. ?Do you not think this is romantic?? the drow continued to prod. ?Do you not appreciate watching their love bloom before your eyes??

?Romantic?! You cannot be serious! I mean look at them? he is a bald little gnome that does NOTHING but annoy people with idiotic pranks and stories about turnip and she is one of the most domineering and irritable women in the world! There is nothing romantic about them at all. Besides, she is twice as tall as he is! It is ridiculous!?

Solaufein risked a quick glance at Jaheira and Jan. They were both glaring at Anomen. Obviously, they had heard him.

?Domineering and irritable?!? Jaheira asked, outraged.

?Bald and annoying?! Why I ought to?? Jan started.

?I will let you have a go once I am finished showing him just how domineering I can be,? Jaheira interrupted the gnome. She was rolling up her sleeves and approaching Anomen, who was sinking into his chair.

?Actually?when I think about it, Ano may have a point,? Jan said.

Jaheira whirled around and looked at him. ?What is that supposed to mean?!?

?Weeeell,? the gnome pulled his beard and looked a little embarrassed. ?You are a little domineering sometimes? and? and maybe just a little too? tall.?

?But? you said that the height difference did not matter to you,? Jaheira had her back turned to Solaufein now, and he could not see her face. Her voice sounded stifled as if she was about to cry? or maybe laugh. These two should have been actors, he thought, what a brilliant performance.

?I am sorry, Jah,? Jan mumbled, ?I thought it didn?t matter? but maybe it does anyway.?

?How can you let height come in the way of our love,? Jaheira sniffled.

?Err? strictly speaking, height IS in the way? you know, it would be a bit? undignified if you had to lift me up, or I had to stand on a chair every time I wanted to kiss you.?

?What are you saying, Jan??

?It is over, Jah,? Jan said, ??tis a pity, but I don?t think we were meant to be together.?

?But??

?I am sorry, Jaheira. I think I need some time by myself now.? Jan strode past Solaufein and Anomen without condescending to look at them, and left the inn.

Jaheira was hiding her face in her hands.

?Err? Jaheira?? Anomen started.

?No! Do not speak to me, you insensitive lout! My life is ruined! Totally ruined! First I lost my K-h-aaaaaaaaaaaaaa-lid, and now J-aaaaaaaaaaan? and all because of you!? She sobbed and pointed an accusing finger at Anomen.

Young Lord Delryn started to open his mouth, but Jaheira ran towards the stairway before he got around to saying anything. Anomen looked after her with a puzzled and concerned expression on his face.

?I did not even know Khalid!? Anomen said in a frustrated voice, addressing himself for the lack of interested audience to Solaufein.

?That does not matter, knight,? Solaufein was thoroughly enjoying himself, ?for women, my young friend, do not care for small details like that one. They are rather into the bigger picture, into assumptions of all kinds?? Solaufein signed his name on the drink-bill and rose from his chair.

?Women?? he sighed, thinking with sudden longing of the strand of hair, which was always breaking loose from Sinober?s braid. A trembling, spiral strand of hair.

Anomen compulsively complained: ?I do not understand Sinober sometimes. She was so tender in the morning, and than she suddenly got very angry with me. Do you think, Solaufein, that a nice candlelight dinner will set it straight? I am going to order one from Mr. Thunderburp.?

The image of the wild strand disappeared from Solaufein?s mind. ?Of course, Anomen. Do not forget a dozen of red roses,? he said dryly. ?You will not be able to pull that kind of thing with our ?broken hearted? Forest Lady, though, oh Lord of Women?s Hearts,? he thought to himself.

?Ah well? what a morning, eh? watching the most amazing love-affair both begin and end in just a few hours,? Solaufein continued with mock sadness in his voice. ?Now? if you would excuse me, I need to get back to my reading.?

Anomen nodded absentmindedly, the drow smiled cryptically and headed towards the stairs up to the bedrooms

A Turnip Named Desire
Part IV: A Recipe for Revenge

Jo, the barman, went towards the table to pick up Solaufein?s tab. To his amazement, the piece of paper was slowly moving on its own. Away from him.

?Bloody ale?? mumbled the man and wiped his eyes vigorously. Then he saw a small happy looking gnome.

?Heya! The black elf is my friend, good man. I promised to buy him a drink, but as I see, I am late. I?d like to pay for his wine.? The gnome looked at the bill, then at the single, almost untouched glass, and cringed. Then he sighed.

?Friends are friends, even as weird as our Solfy. I could have been drunk for a year on that money, I tell ya. But as twice removed grandpa Doriath would say, the friends in need will always end up better than you?? the gnome shrugged philosophically and handed over the required coins to the dazzled man before he carefully folded the bill and placed it into his pocket.

?For tax purposes,? he explained to Jo.

However, there was no need; the waiter would not have noticed even if the gnome had made a full triple somersault, holding a turnip in his mouth all the while. He was too busy making up the story he would tell to anyone who would listen tonight. It was not every day that a gnome bought wine for a drow. At least it was the first time Jo had seen it happen. Though he remembered having heard an innkeeper from Waterdeep go on at length about a dwarf, a barbarian and a redhead trying to get a drow ranger drunk so maybe it was some kind of weird fashion nowadays?


***************************


Anomen sighed to himself. First, he had upset Sinober, and then Jaheira. This appeared to be one of those days when he could not do anything right. And on top of all the rest of today?s misfortunes, Mr. Thunderburp had apparently lost his mind, hearing and memory.

He had sought out Mr. Thunderburp, the innkeeper, fully concentrating on the complicated name of the sauce Sinober insisted should be served with that impossible fish she liked so much. The conversation had started out quite ordinary, with Anomen greeting the innkeeper properly and being received with the matching warmth.

Then he had asked Mr. Thunderburp if he could kindly cook a special dinner for Sinober and himself. Mr. Thunderburp had been all smiles and given him his word of honor that he would. The problems arose when Anomen tried to specify the particular dish.

At first Anomen had thought that old Mr. Thunderburp could not hear well in all the din of his busy kitchen, but he had started to doubt this assumption after repeating the name of the desired dish into Mr. Thunderburp?s slightly dirty ear for the twenty-fifth time.

They smiled to each other, Anomen in a somewhat forced manner, and Mr. Thunderburp, looking terribly guilty, shook his head negatively again. Then happiness appeared in his gaze and he stuck a quill and a piece of greasy paper into Anomen?s hands. Anomen wailed triumphantly and wrote down the name of the dish and (just in case) its main ingredients as he remembered them.

He parted with Mr. Thunderburp in high spirits, envisioning how the meal would make Sinober forget her anger.


***************************


Jan had left the waiter to his musings, and headed into the kitchen in pursuit of Anomen, sorrowfully clutching his purse: alas, he knew it was about to become even smaller. He waited in the shadow of one of the large stoves and listened to the conversation that took place between the knight and the innkeeper.

The moment they had finished their business and Anomen stepped outside, Mr. Thunderburp called for Jan.

?Here we go, then,? the halfling innkeeper said, and delivered him the note Anomen had written. He took the pouch from Jan?s hands, smiled widely and put a finger to his nose. ?You are up to something, Jan.?

Jan shrugged and tucked the piece of greasy paper securely into his pocket.


***************************


It was a pitch-black night. Thunder shuddered the skies; the moon showed her face from behind the clouds specifically to make the world even scarier, and the wind blew with a force unknown before. She was standing at the edge of a cliff, her gorgeous pink dress hid nothing of her stunning curves and her long-long hair flew untamed. Suddenly from the ominous darkness appeared a rider on top of a black stallion.

He rushed through the tempest, getting painfully close to her, and when finally the stallion?s hooves were half hanging off the cliff, the mounted man skillfully stopped the wild horse. She turned and smiled up at him, capturing his heart immediately. Above the roar of the storm, he whispered in a passionate, slightly harsh voice, ?I have always loved you,? and lifted her to the saddle. She touched his sculpted jaw shyly and moaned: ?Solaufein?? and then the stallion lost his balance and they all tumbled down the cliff. Before the sea waves swallowed him, he whispered yet again to her, hanging of some branch: ?Imoen? Imoen??

?Imoen! Imoen!?

Imoen sat up on her bed, and the romance novel she had been reading fell to the floor. Jaheira picked the book up, holding it away from herself as if it could bite, and stared at Imoen accusingly: ?Have you been reading that?that?nonsense all night again, child? ?

Imoen nodded gaily. ?Yep. And it is not nonsense; it is a very well-written masterpiece, about tragic and beautiful love. ?

Jaheira did not seem to be in the mood to start an argument about literature with Imoen, and she merely groaned and rolled her eyes before asking: ?Do you know where Sinober is??

Imoen shook her head. ?Nope.?

Jaheira did not look surprised. In fact, she looked satisfied. ?I shall have to leave her a note then,? announced the druid and set to writing. Unfortunately, somehow, she disturbed a bandage on her right palm and colored it with blood.

?Oh, damn. I would hate to waste a spell on such a silly thing? though I guess I will have to, since I need to write that note??


Imoen jumped off the bed and ran up to Jaheira: ?Why don?t you just dictate it to me??

Jaheira gave Imoen an inscrutable stare, and then she smiled. ?What a good idea, why did not I think of that myself?.?


***************************


A little while later, Jan met with Jaheira in his room.

?Do you have it?? he asked expectantly.

?I have Imoen?s. I know Sinober?s handwriting well enough to see that neither of the letters are her work, unless she has changed it for the purpose,? she replied. ?Now, let us see what we can make of this??

It took another few minutes for them to compare the writing samples with the letters. There was no doubt about the authorship of each. Neither Anomen nor Solaufein had cared to change his handwriting.

?Time to proceed with Plan Y,? smiled Jan. Jaheira nodded her agreement, gazing at Jan with an expression he was afraid to identify. Could it be? adoration? He returned her glance and for a brief moment, his heart danced polka in his chest. He could not believe that this woman?s approval meant so much to him.

?Let us get to it then, ? she said.

Jan watched the cold look of determination that spread on the druid?s face, her jaw firmly set and fire leaping in her gaze, green as spring onions or green apples. Jan felt really proud of his new partner in crime. She was definitely a lady of epic qualities.

?What a woman!? He marveled, almost involuntarily. ?If only she had a bigger nose??


***************************


Solaufein, methodically searched the inn. He wanted to find out what the gnome and the half-elf were really up to, and he was irritated with himself for having lost sight of Jaheira, just because he had succumbed to the temptation of teasing Anomen. By the time he had gone upstairs, cast the Globe of Darkness and returned back, the many patrons of the busy inn had obscured Jaheira?s heat trail. The morning passed into midday, and midday into early afternoon before he finally managed to find a vague trace of her.

Down into the dimly lit playhouse he slipped unseen and unnoticed by all? now where could she be? he looked around. Her trace had vanished again, among those of the hopeless actors milling around the place. Would she be behind the stage maybe, among the props? No, there were too many people going back and forth there. Ah, the office, of course.

The office next to the stage was not often in use. Sinober preferred to do her writing in her room, and Higgold used a table next to the scene so he could keep an eye on the actors at the same time. It was the perfect hiding place. Solaufein carefully opened the door to the office just enough so he could slide into the room, and lo and behold, there the druid sat on a chest, smirking to herself. He settled behind a rack of old costumes. Now he only needed to wait for the other conspirator to appear.

He did not have to wait long before the gnome entered. He was carrying a basket and he too was grinning widely.

?Jah, you should see Anomen!? Jan said. ?He is becoming very worried now; he?s looking for you all over the place. Our plan is working out great, just great!?

?Of course it is working! Ah? I just wish I could watch the knight?s distress myself,? Jaheira replied with a chuckle. ?What about Solaufein??

?I haven?t seen him since he left the common room earlier,? Jan shrugged, ?I have no idea where he is, and that worries me a bit... that drow is a sneaky bugger?

Jaheira nodded. ?Quite. How long do you think I will need to stay here before we go ahead with the rest of the plan??

?Heh,? Jan said, ?I don?t know about the other joker, but Ano?ll probably turn into a lump of jelly from the guilt, and be ready to confess the whole thing in a day or so, so you probably don?t need to stay here longer than that. Here, I brought you some food, just in case you get hungry.? He held out the basket.

?Why thank you, how very considerate?? Jaheira lifted the lid and looked at its contents. ?Turnip?!? she yelled in disgust.

Solaufein had heard enough. As he had thought, they were trying to play their own game of intrigue. While their plan was decent, he thought there was definitely room for improvement. And Solaufein was the one who would ?help? them improve it. He stepped into their view.

?I am SO glad to see that you two have become friends again?? he said innocently.

Jaheira and Jan glanced at each other and then back at the drow. ?Solaufein!?? they chorused.

?And I am sure Anomen will be happy to learn of it too. He seemed quite devastated with having caused your? disagreement,? he continued.

The two conspirators continued to stare at him.

?I think I shall go and tell him at once? so he does not suffer any unnecessary distress.? He turned and feigned an intention to leave the room.

?Wait!? Jaheira called. ?We? would rather that you did not tell him.?

?Oh?? Solaufein raised an eyebrow. ?And why is that??

She narrowed her eyes. ?I am sure you are not so naïve that you do not understand? in fact??

?You wrote the letter that was supposed to be from Jaheira,? Jan interrupted.

?Ah, it seems the ?cat is out of the bag? as you say? oh my. I suppose I should be ashamed of myself, hmm? Though, unless you wish your own intrigue to be exposed, you cannot tell anyone of mine.?

?Yes, that appears to be the case,? Jaheira said dryly. ?So what do you propose??

?I suggest? a collaboration. I will lend you some assistance in getting back at the knight? provided we do it my way. Just hiding down here seems a waste of an opportunity, does it not?"

?What do you mean?? asked Jan.

?Well, this was what I had in mind??

They listed in stunned silence while he explained his ideas for improvement of their prank.

?Have I ever told you about my cousin Slygard?? Jan finally said. ?He thought he was the smartest prankster of them all. Then one day he tried to pull a prank on an especially cranky orc that used to chase him around the block when he was a kid (it was all completely harmless though, the orc never did anything worse to him than shove him upside down into the lavatory). Anyway, one day Slygard decided to try and lure the orc into a griffin lair, so he wrote him a letter that was supposed to be from a pretty orc dame (well, pretty by orc standards anyway), telling him to meet her at the aforementioned griffin lair. So, Slygard waited near by for the orc to come, but he had forgotten one essential detail: very few orcs know how to read, and consequently the victim never arrived. Well Slygard got bored with it of course, and eventually he had to admit to himself that his plan had failed. This made him so angry, he cursed and stomped around and the inhabitants in the lair noticed him.? Jan paused to catch his breath.

Jaheira and Solaufein looked at the gnome, waiting for the customary end to the tale.

?And then the griffins ate him,? he finished.

?Anyway,? Jaheira said, when it was clear that Jan had reached the conclusion to his story, ?your plan is just? it is simply going too far! Sinober would never forgive me if I caused her knight to have a nervous breakdown!?

Solaufein smirked. ?Oh, I am sure he is strong enough to survive it without permanent damage to anything but his pride. Now? we need to work out the details??

A Turnip Named Desire
Part V: The Wages of Pranks?

Anomen stared gloomily at the sad piece of fish soaking in sauce on his plate, and sighed. The reconciliation dinner had not exactly worked out as intended.

He had requested a table with the finest silverware Mr. Thunderburp could provide set in Sinober?s room, and he had personally decorated her boudoir to his best abilities. He had bought flowers and arranged them in a crystal vase. He had sacrificed several dozen red roses, and covered her bed with their petals. He had carefully placed candles around the room to achieve the best possible romantic lighting effect. However, all his efforts had been to no avail.

Anomen picked up a bottle of wine from a cooler where the ice was slowly turning into water, studied it for a moment, and shoved it angrily down into the slosh again.

It was close to midnight, and Sinober had not yet come back. No doubt, she was still at the Thieves? Guild. She had been there the whole day, and perhaps she was sharing a meal with Aran now, instead of with Anomen. He gritted his teeth while his head filled with images of his beloved sitting at a table together with the charismatic head of the Shadow Thieves of Athkatla. He imagined the two of them clink glasses and smile at each other, their eyes would meet and then? no. He should not allow that kind of thoughts to enter his mind. Sinober could have frightful mood swings, but she would never be unfaithful to him.

The dinner was nevertheless spoiled now, and Anomen gathered that he could just as well give up waiting for Sinober and go to bed. Slowly, he blew out the candles one by one, and left the room.

As he was about to enter his own room, he heard a sound of someone sobbing near by and halted his progress.

?Sinober?? he called, carefully. ?Sinober? is that you?? There was no answer.

?Jaheira?? he tried. The only reply he received was another loud sob, and then he caught a fleeting glimpse of a cloaked figure standing next to the stairway. It disappeared down the stairs and Anomen followed, curious and worried.

When he reached the common room, the exit door to the inn slammed shut, bringing with it a cold draft. He looked around. No patrons were present, and the barman had fallen asleep with his head resting in a small puddle of ale on the counter. Anomen headed towards the exit, determined to follow the mysterious weeper and discover the person?s identity.

If it was Jaheira, then he desperately needed to talk to her. Throughout the day, he had searched for her (in-between making preparations for the meal) but she had managed to avoid him completely. He felt increasingly guilty about having caused her grief, and he wished to explain to her that he had not intended to hurt her feelings with his comments about her and Jan.

Outside, the night was colder than usual. A light drizzle of rain barely managed to penetrate the fog that hung over the streets like a thick woolen blanket. Anomen shuddered slightly, and briefly, he considered going back in to fetch a coat. Then he heard the sobbing again. This time it was closer, but when he looked around, he could still not discover the person from whom it originated.

?Jaheira? if it is you, please answer me!? he called, his voice muffled in the foggy darkness.

Suddenly, the sound of footsteps started to accompany the sobs, and it was obvious that the person was moving away from him towards the river.

?Wait!? he shouted, while trying to follow the noises as best he could. A moment later, he heard a splash near by. Anomen quickened his pace, and barely managed to stop before stumbling headlong into the river.

He held his breath and listened. All was quiet. No footsteps. No sobs. Warily, he glanced down into the water and noticed something small and white floating there. He kneeled, and stretched as far as he could, got a hold of the item with two fingers and directed it carefully towards the riverside.

He picked it up, studied it and swallowed hard. Even though the parchment was wet and the ink had smeared out a little, he could still recognize the forged love letter he had written to Jaheira.


***************************


Imoen was feeling just a little bit confused. It was the middle of the night, and she had been sound asleep, dreaming about turning into a pink Slayer who terrorized the candy-stalls in the Promenade to quench her insatiable hunger for sugar, when suddenly Solaufein had come rushing into her room and told her to get Anomen and bring him down into the theater. Only she was not supposed to tell him that Solaufein had asked her do it. Then the Drow had disappeared as hurriedly and mysteriously as he had arrived, and she had been left rubbing her eyes and wondering if she was still dreaming.

She pinched herself. ?Ouch!? Nope, she was definitely awake. So Solaufein was up to something, and although she was slightly disappointed in the prosaic reason for his appearance in her room this late in the evening, she still thought it might be a part of his intricate plan to win her heart. She didn?t have a problem with that. In fact, she had been terribly bored lately, and could use some entertainment. And some -- dared she hope? -- romance. She yawned, stretched, put on her pink dressing gown and matching slippers, and went on her way to fetch the knight.

?What??? Anomen rumbled when he finally tore open the door. Imoen had to fight hard to keep from smirking. He was dressed in a nightshirt that reached his knees, metal studded boots, and carrying his hammer. Her desire to laugh quickly vanished when she noticed how drawn his face looked; his eyes were red and puffy, and the hair on his head was standing at attention. ?He must have been arguing with Sinober again,? she thought.

?Imoen?? he mumbled in a worried voice. ?Is something wrong? Is it ? Jaheira??

?Err?Jaheira? No, no? something is up down in the playhouse,? she said. ?You?ve got to come; I don?t dare go down there alone.?

He groaned. ?It is probably just the actors rehearsing late again?

She looked at him using her best puppy eyed stare. ?Please? I can?t sleep when I don?t know what is going on down there.?

?Fine,? he sighed. ?If it will make you sleep better.? He closed the door behind him, and trailed after her down the stairs and thorough the quiet inn.

As they approached the stairway to the playhouse, Imoen could see a faint green light coming from it. ?Ho-hum? wonder what Solaufein is up to down there,? she thought to herself. ?See,? she told Anomen, ?I TOLD you something weird was going on!?

They tackled the stairs slowly, and Imoen let the knight enter the playhouse first. She didn?t know what was up, but she thought it was better to be on the safe side. She was not particularly interested in having buckets of whitewash or some such fall down on her.

In the playhouse, the sound of a moaning wind greeted them. Mist rolled over the floor and a green tinted light radiated from the stage, where a woman in white garments stood -- or rather floated -- just above the floor. The wind seemed to blow exclusively on her, making her dress billow and her hair flow out behind her. It took a while before Imoen noticed that the ethereal looking woman was Jaheira. Whatever Solaufein was up to, if he had been able to convince Jaheira to be part of it, it had to be good. Or?no, they could not be lovers?not after all these obvious signs of affection he had showed her lately.

Imoen stayed in the back of the room, and watched while Anomen moved closer to the stage with jerky movements as if invisible strings were pulling him. Jaheira lifted her arm slowly and pointed an accusing finger at him.

?Behold,? she declared in a hollow voice, ?the one who crushed the budding flower of love so cruelly under foot has arrived. Why has he come here? To revel further in the misery he has caused? To seek forgiveness??

?Jaheira!? Anomen gasped, falling to his knees. ?I swear I did not intend any harm? I? I only sought to get revenge on Jan for all his vulgar jokes. I was not aware that the two of you had feelings for each other?. Please? I beg you to forgive me? I am truly sorry I wrote that letter ? I am sorry about everything,? he sobbed.

Suddenly a scared, high-pitched voice sounded through the theater: ?GHOSTS!! I told you there were ghosts here, but no one would listen to me! Now do you believe me?? Imoen turned and saw the actors gathered by the entrance behind her, all of them staring terrified at the stage, and one or two of them whimpering with fright.

?I re-re-refuse to work here anymore,? one of them stammered.

?Me too,? another piped in.

?You can tell Sinober, she will get our resignations tomorrow!? With that, the actors scurried up the stairs again, practically stumbling over each other to get out of the place as fast as possible.

?Whoops,? Imoen commented.

From the stage came a snort. ?Enough of this foolishness. Jan, Solaufein? it is time to end this.? While Jaheira tore off the white rags she had put on over her clothes, the gnome and the drow came forth from behind the stage, dispelling their illusions as they walked.

?You? you are not a ghost?? Anomen returned to his feet.

Imoen rolled her eyes. He sure was slow sometimes.

?No, I am not,? Jaheira said, confirming her fame as the master of the obvious.

?You pretended to be dead?! That is the most?? Anomen?s voice trembled with anger and his face turned red. ?Of all the wretched things? and you were all in on this??

?None of this would have happened if you had not written that letter! Now that did not exactly strike me as a very noble and charitable thing to do either!? Jaheira shouted.

?What letter are you??? Imoen started.

?That may very well be, but from there to attempt convincing me that you were dead? that is just? just unspeakably vile!? Anomen turned towards Jan with his hammer lifted. ?You!? he yelled. ?This was your idea! You? you have always hated me!?

?Uh? people, can someone please explain? ?? Imoen tried.

?Now calm down, Ano,? Jan said while backing away slowly. ?This wasn?t even what we had planned to do originally. The ghost set up was all Solaufein?s idea!?

Anomen turned his attention towards Solaufein. ?What have I ever done to you? ? he paused and seemed to think hard for a moment. ?Oh, I see? ?tis because of Sinober is it not. I would have to be blind as well as stupid to not notice how you try to force your company on her whenever you have the opportunity!?

?Do I now,? Solaufein said coldly. ?A woman of her station chooses whatever company she wishes. And if I had met her first she would never had bothered looking at you twice.?

?AHA! I knew it!? Anomen approached Solaufein now, and the drow in turn started to ready a spell.

Imoen figured she had had enough. ?HEY!? she yelled. The others stopped short and looked at her. ?You all seem to have forgotten one tiny little detail. The actors are resigning, and the play is scheduled to have its opening night in two days? how are you going to explain this to Sinober??

The pranksters exchanged worried glances.

?She at least had no part in any of this and should not have to suffer for it,? Anomen said.

Jaheira nodded. ?But what can we do?? A long silence followed. It seemed the previously so inventive conspirators were all lost for ideas.

?Right,? Imoen said. ?Why don?t you all go back to bed and I?ll try to think of something.?

A Turnip Named Desire
Part VI: The Show Must Plod On

?Wait! I think I have an idea??

Imoen lifted her head and looked at Solaufein. She was feeling a bit down ever since the drow almost fought Anomen over Sinober. He was not interested in her at all. It was awful.

Imoen wanted to tell Solaufein where to stuff his idea and she read from the expressions on Jan?s, Jaheira?s and Anomen?s faces that they shared her sentiment. After all, it was HIS idea that caused the trouble. But instead, to her full surprise Imoen heard herself saying: ?Better than nothing. Go ahead, Solaufein; we?re listening.?

She heard him sigh in relief. Solaufein looked nervous, she realized, watching his intertwined fingers. Against all reason, Imoen knew that she would support him, no matter what he was about to say.

?My friends, what is a play?? started Solaufein. Jaheira sighed. Jan shrugged. Anomen scowled and shook his head. Imoen tried an encouraging smile.

?A play is a sequence of speeches delivered by people dressed in costumes. Now we have the named sequences, presumably,? and he pointed in the general direction of the office. ?We have costumes,? he pointed to the rack, stuffed with clothes. ?All we need are people capable of memorizing and delivering lines.?

?Do you want us to somehow convince the actors to return?? asked Anomen, placing his hand on the hilt of his hammer.

?No, young Lord,? answered Solaufein. ?They are too scared and would not listen. If we force them, we might as well forget about success of the play. What I suggest is for us to replace the actors.?

Dead silence met his words. Finally Imoen spoke: ?But?but there are only five of us, and there were like ten of them participating in the play, Solaufein.?

The drow smiled: ?I read the play, Imoen. It does not need more than three actors. In fact, the play would only be improved if we clean out all the miscellaneous characters and leave only three on stage: the Woman, the Mage and the Servant. It?s just like a diamond cutter who frees the beauty out of the rough stone??

?Are you saying the play Sinober choose is bad?? inquired Anomen in dangerous tone.

?No, but Sinober has too much respect for the original author,? replied Solaufein.

?It might work?? said Imoen firmly. ?How difficult it can be to recite a dozen lines? Solaufein, do you think you can play the Mage??

Solaufein shook his head negatively: ?No, my dear muse, I am afraid the public here is too conservative to see a drow on stage. I fear that they will run for their lives as soon as I make my entrance. Remember, the only reason my presence is accepted at this inn, is that Mr. Thunderburp is such a good friend of Sinober. And even here I have to walk around cloaked most of the time, just in case someone who is not aware of the situation sees me and alerts the authorities. No, I cannot act in the play. I would have Jan playing the Mage, Jaheira can play the Woman and Anomen will play the Servant.?

?By the Nine Hells! The Delryns had never been serv?? roared Anomen.

?Mages,? finished of Solaufein, his voice drowning out Anomen?s last syllable. ?Now if that obsessed ranger was still around, I am sure I could get a performance of a life-time out of him. He seemed to know exactly how a cold and tragic wizard would act. But Anomen, you neither look like a mage, nor do you speak like one. That leaves Jan. Besides,? added he with a smug smile, ?there has been a certain chemistry between Jan and Jaheira lately which we can exploit.?

If glances could kill, Solaufein would have been incinerated from the burning stares Jaheira and Jan sent him.

?Solaufein, you should direct the play!? exclaimed Imoen cheerfully, dissolving the brewing conflict.

?You think so?? asked the drow modestly.

?But of course, who else?? grumbled Anomen.

?Yeah, you will do,? agreed Jan. Jaheira shrugged but did not argue.

?Well, then I will direct,? concluded Solaufein. ?Now we must get to work immediately??

Solaufein turned to his troupe, ready to give orders, but found himself uncomfortably close to Jaheira. The druid was at least a foot taller than the drow. She towered over Solaufein menacingly and grabbed the front of his cloak in a non-equivocal gesture.

?Just you try to pull anything like that again, drow!? Jaheira grumbled, while almost lifting Solaufein into the air.

The drow broke loose and stepped backwards: ?What did I do?? he asked innocently. Jaheira scowled.

?Alright, alright. I get the point, Jaheira. No more intrigues. Now if you all pick up the corresponding scripts, we can start reading through the play. I need to see which lines of the supporting characters are essential and need to be transferred to the main characters.?

?What?what about me?? interrupted Imoen shyly.

?My muse, you have the most important role of all,? said Solaufein, taking Imoen?s hand and kissing it gently. ?You will have to keep Sinober away from the theatre, while we are putting the new play together.?

Imoen?s eyes widened: ?But how? Sinober spends half of her time in the theatre!?

Solaufein gave a deep and adoring glance to Imoen: ?Exactly. And none of us can even hope to accomplish such a complicated task. That is? anyone but you. You, who are so smart and cunning, so tactful and inventive! You are the only one who have a chance to succeed, Imoen.?

Imoen blushed and mumbled: ?I?I can see what you mean, Solaufein. I will try, but I can?t guarantee??

?Shhhh,? interrupted the drow in the softest voice, ?I have complete trust in you.?

Imoen smiled happily and skipped upstairs, whistling an old drinking song.

A Turnip Named Desire
Part VII: Karenina I Am (NOT)

Solaufein had been excited about Imoen?s suggestion at first. To direct the play was not just a unique opportunity to impress Sinober, but also an irresistible challenge for his artistic abilities? especially considering the actors he had to work with. However, as the rehearsal went on he had started to doubt the wisdom of it all?

Ah yes? the actors. It would be perfect if not for the fact that the so-called actors made a complete mess of their roles. Jaheira was simply the most intimidating and angry sounding naïve young maiden he had ever heard. Jan was completely unable to be the least bit tragic and mysterious as the wizard, and just seemed ridiculous instead. Anomen? did not exactly have the right disposition for a humble servant. It appeared that none of them even bothered listening to Solaufein?s instructions.

The Drow sighed and pulled at his hair in frustration as he watched Jaheira perform Karenina?s first scene for the fifth time. She came striding onto the scene, looking far too confident and not at all afraid and confused.

?What transpires here?? the druid shouted. ?What is this, a ruin, a castle... is it abandoned and empty?? she looked around menacingly.

Solaufein groaned. ?Wait! Jaheira? could you please try to sound just a little bit afraid? it is snowing after all, and you are lost and alone!?

?But this is how I sound when I am afraid,? Jaheira objected.

?Yes but? try to imagine how young and insecure Karenina would behave? wrap your arms around yourself as if you are freezing? stammer a bit??

?I will do no such thing!? Jaheira protested. ?Why does she have to be afraid anyway? Let me tell you, a woman who ventures out in the midst of winter alone and without a thick coat must be a brave one. Or a complete fool. Do you want me to play a COMPLETE FOOL? May I not interpret her role differently, make her more confident? a modern and mature woman??

?But Jaheira, the contrast between Karenina?s youth and naiveté and Velden?s old and dark, world-weary pessimism, and the doomed nature of their relationship is what this play is about! If Karenina were a more mature woman, she would have realized that such an affair could not possibly work!? Solaufein pointed out.

?Well, I happen to disagree,? Jaheira said. ?She could still fall in love with him. Even the most rational people make the wrong choices sometimes. Especially in love!?

?True enough, but this is a play, you see. It is supposed to hold a mirror to life, not be exactly the same as life. If we change it the way you suggest, we take away the meaning the author intended it to have?we remove its very foundation!?

Jaheira shrugged. ?Well, you have already edited the play so it can be played by only three actors, and I cannot see why the dialogues cannot be changed too. They seem incredibly old fashioned and dull to me. Give me some normal lines!?

Solaufein sighed. ?Yes? it looks like I will have make some small adjustments at least,? he said slowly. ?You may all take a break for a few hours while I work on it.?

There was a collective sigh of relief from the would-be actors, and they gathered their things and started to move out.

?Hey, Solfy!? Jan called, as he was about to leave, ?what about the score??

?What about it?? Solaufein asked, annoyed, already deep in thoughts about the work he was going to do.

?Well? there?s no musicians around to play it, is there, and we can?t really ask Sinober to do it either, so I started thinking that maybe I should ask my cousin Angus if his band of bards are available tomorrow. Have I ever told you about Angus by the way? He and his brother are very talented lute players. You know, the story about how they started playing is very interesting, it all started waaaay back when they went to school together with?.?

The Drow sighed and waved a hand dismissively at the gnome. ?I do not have time for this. Do whatever you want about the music, any soft and romantic theme will do.?

?Sure, Solfy. I promise you won?t be disappointed!? With that, the Gnome left, and the theatre was finally quiet.


***************************


Solaufein sighed and lit another candle. The small table in front of him flooded with pages of the script, and many pieces of paper covered with his own neat handwriting. He was about to give up. There was no way to make it work. Solaufein started reading the original dialogues again. As far as he could see, the problem was not that the actors did not possess any Thespian talents, because they did, but rather that the roles did not fit with their rather strong personalities. The dark elf sighed and started reading the dialogues again.

?Heya!?

Solaufein startled as Imoen?s pink head suddenly appeared in the door.

?May I come in?? she asked, bashfully.

Solaufein shrugged. ?Of course, Imoen.? The mage entered and peered at the table.

?Wow, you have been hard at work! Tired? I was wondering if you needed anything. Food? Bedroll??

Solaufein?s heart warmed up. Surfacers! They never failed to surprise him. This girl, who had only known him for barely four weeks and should not really care if he was dead or alive, came to check upon his comfort. ?I do not need anything, Imoen, but thank you for asking,? he replied, quietly.

Imoen picked up few torn pieces of paper from the table. Solaufein stayed silent.

?Is something wrong, Solaufein? I can?t understand why you don?t like this dialogue? It is very beautiful: ??and my heart is ready to leap out of my chest. I fear every sound, I fear every shadow? My beloved, where are you? Come to my rescue???

Solaufein laughed bitterly. ?Beautiful, yes? but can you imagine Jaheira fearing every shadow and asking for someone else to rescue her??

Imoen shook her head. ?Nope. She is rather?assertive. In the good old days she would not let even Khalid help her.?

Solaufein answered, ?Exactly? and she reads this in ?an assertive way. It sounds like she is mocking anyone who would dare to even suggest that she might fear anything as stupid as a shadow. She sounds like she would clobber down anyone mad enough to offer her a tiny bit of help, let alone ?rescue? her!?

Imoen looked at him thoughtfully and then reasoned: ?So if Jaheira doesn?t make a convincing Karenina, why not just make Karenina into Jaheira?

?Then I will also have to turn Velden into Jan and Whitten into Anomen,? noticed Solaufein coldly. ?Then the whole play will stop making sense. Jaheira will not wander the dales and hills in tears..."

Imoen smiled and said: ?It does not have to be that close to the stupid play, Solaufein. It can be something completely different. Something completely new.?

?Do you mean, that I should just re-write the whole thing instead of trying to make adjustments?? asked Solaufein astounded.

?Yes,? answered Imoen simply. ?If you can?t do it, nobody can.? Her shiny eyes rested on Solaufein?s face. ?I have complete trust in you,? she continued, echoing the words he had used to encourage her earlier. Solaufein had no idea why his heart started racing under the gaze of those golden-specked cinnamon eyes.

?You know what?.? Solaufein paused. He was going to say that there was not enough time for a re-write. He was going to point out that he did not have any experience with writing plays. However, ideas were starting to shape themselves in his mind, and besides, he could not help but imagine himself impressing the audience (and Sinober) with an innovative and daring re-write. Imoen was right! The only solution would be to re-write the play in such a way that it did fit the actors, and allowed them to deliver brilliant performances because they would essentially be playing themselves. He figured Sinober would find that very interesting, especially since she knew the actors so well?

Sinober! ?Imoen, what about Sinober?? asked the Drow.

?Oh, that?? replied Imoen sleepily. ?Well, I managed to keep the actors away from her and made them give their resignations to me instead, and I?ve been telling her stories until she was exhausted and then? excuse me?? Imoen yawned, ?then I sortta convinced her that we would have to go to the Umar Hills tomorrow at dawn, to see Valygar.?

Solaufein raised his eyebrows. ?How did you manage to persuade her to do that??

Imoen curled in a small ball on the couch in the corner of the office. ?I don?t remember the details, Solaufein, something about my poor broken heart. Maybe I said that I had a mad love affair with the ranger while we were in the Underdark, and now I am having his baby? Anyway, Sinober got a little upset, you could say? said something about turning slayer on the miserable sod, and forcing him to marry me at sword-point. Eh? I don?t remember, really. I am sure it will all come back to me while we are riding to Umar tomorrow. Anyway, the main thing is, I will not let her come near the theatre before the performance. Do you think you can wake me up in a couple of hours? I am afraid to wake up later than Sinober because then she could decide to check the theatre and so on??

Solaufein pulled a large shawl off the rack and covered Imoen with it: ?Of course, my muse. Sweet dreams.? He sat quietly, allowing the girl to drift of to sleep.

Then he jumped up to his feet and paced the room excitedly: the challenge just became feasible! ?Think, Solaufein, think!? the Drow ordered himself.

Now, Karenina? he figured he should write her a personality much like Jaheira?s, though different enough so that Jaheira would not notice that he was using her as a template.

As for Whitten, well Anomen would probably identify more with an ambitious apprentice, trying too hard to please his master who in turn would shift between treating him as a servant and ignoring him.

And Velden? if Karenina was intimidating enough, Velden would perhaps fear her rather than expect her to fear him. A short, scared Velden? in love with, but frightened of the strong, independent Karenina? Yes, that could work. In addition, to make her even more intimidating? what if Karenina was in fact a Drow priestess who had accidentally made her way to the surface somewhere near Velden?s tower?

Solaufein imagined for a moment Jaheira dressed in a black leather corset, holding a whip, and looming threateningly over a terrified Jan. He shivered at the mental image. That would surely make Velden?s fear even more plausible and not at all ridiculous.

Pleased with his ideas, Solaufein nodded to himself, and started to hurriedly strike over the old dialogues and write his very own version of the Turmish Play. From time to time, he lifted his head from his writings looked at the pink-haired girl sleeping on the couch, and smiled gently

A Turnip Named Desire
Part VIII: DAD

Imoen gave another cautious glance at Valygar?s stern face and shuddered. It had all gone horribly wrong. Her brilliant plan was to turn back before reaching the Umar Hills, and Mystra forbid, meeting with the hypothetical father of her hypothetical baby. She had underestimated Sinober?s loyalty and anger though.

?I must have told her a much too convincing story,? Imoen sighed to herself.

Sinober had ridden like an angel of vengeance, dark and somber. From time to time she had turned to Imoen, sometimes to tell her that everything was going to be fine, and sometimes to scold her for her naiveté.

?Valygar!? Sinober had exclaimed. ?I would understand Haer! I would understand Cernd! I would understand Kivan! But Valygar! What were you thinking, Imoen? Do we not have enough challenges in our lives with Irenicus and Bodhi? How did you manage to fall in love with one of the most difficult men in the Realms??

Imoen had been about to call it off and confess, but Sinober would not stop. ?Valygar! Of all men! Hah! I should have known that that celibacy thing of his was just an act??

Imoen had started to hope that Valygar was out on a hunting trip very far away. But, as it turned out, this was not Imoen?s lucky day?

The ranger had opened the door and bowed politely to Sinober and Imoen. Sinober had not cared for proper etiquette though. She had stormed into the cabin, dragging Imoen behind, like a doll, and was now facing the ranger with one hand resting casually on the hilt of her sword.

?My sister says she is carrying your baby, Valygar,? said she in a grave, threatening voice. From behind Sinober?s back Imoen made puppy eyes and desperate gestures. Valygar?s face became a motionless mask.

?If Lady Imoen says so, than there is only one thing I can do. I will wed Lady Imoen,? said the ranger quietly.

?Once a noble, always a noble?? thought Imoen with a strange respect for the destitute man. Until she finally realized that her joke could have truly unpleasant long-term consequences.

?No! I will not marry him! I?I do not love him anymore!? Imoen was terrified.

?It truly hurts to hear you say that, milady,? noticed Valygar calmly.

Sinober massaged her temple. ?Imoen, I spent half of the night listening to you telling me about how much you love Valygar. I think I am losing my mind. Or maybe you are losing your mind. But we have no time to discuss this now? Valygar, we have to go back to Athkatla immediately. Would you accompany us, so we can sort it all out??

Valygar replied with a short ?yes?, put down the book he was reading and started scribing down something on a piece of paper.

Sinober pulled him away from the table. ?No time for letters now, Valygar. Please, I have to get back to Athkatla in time for the opening of my play!?

Valygar followed the women obediently.

After the endless ride, Imoen was deliriously happy to see the ?Five Flagons?. It was getting dark and the play was about to start.

?We barely have time to change!? exclaimed Imoen.

?I am not going to change,? answered Sinober decisively. ?I have to go check upon the set and the actors??

Imoen quickly grabbed her sister: ?No, no, sis! They will be fine! And the dress! You wanted to wear that absolutely, amazing blue dress the same color as Anomen?s eyes! I?ll check on the actors, you go change, Sinober. The manager of the playhouse should look like a fairy tale princess ? it?s half of the success! And think about Anomen?s disappointment if he sees you in a theatre full of noble ladies in the rags you are wearing right now?? She pushed Sinober inside her room and stayed on guard by the closed door until she was sure that Sinober was fully concentrating on getting dressed and arranging her hair. With a happy smile she turned around?and saw Valygar, leaning patiently against the wall, his arms folded at his chest.

?I?I owe you an explanation?? stumbled Imoen.

?Yes. You do,? the ranger answered coldly.

This was not going to be easy? Imoen did her best to summarize the events of the two days of madness for Valygar. ?We scared the actors?unintentionally. They left the theatre. The rest of the group has tried to become actors, and they?re going to perform the play. Of course we couldn?t tell that to Sinober, so I was distracting her??

To Imoen?s relief Valygar laughed. Then he offered her his hand in a gallant gesture: ?Allow me to escort you tonight, milady. But after the play is over, I beg you to tell Sinober that you made up our relationship.?

Imoen?s face lit up. ?Thank you, Valygar! I swear I will tell her as soon as the curtain falls.?

The ranger smiled: ?Yes you will. But now I expect you have more important thing to take care of. If I am not mistaken there is a lovely, wildly pink outfit waiting for you?? Imoen giggled and he led her to her room.

A quarter of an hour later, Imoen, enveloped in pink silks and lace, with fresh roses attached to her corsage, knocked on the door to Sinober?s room. The bard looked beautiful, but distressed. Noticing Imoen?s hand settled comfortably on Valygar?s arm, she smiled: ?Oh, I am glad to see you two lovebirds have made up!?

Imoen blushed. Valygar bowed.

Sinober looked around nervously. ?I am worried about Anomen? Maybe I was too hard on him the other day? What if he has done something stupid? You know how he can be??

Valygar smiled: ?No, Sinober, do not worry. I have seen him downstairs searching for you among the crowd that has gathered for the opening night of the play. Let?s go down and find our seats, shall we.?


***************************


Solaufein was exhausted. He had not slept since? actually, he could not remember the last time he had slept. He had spent most of the previous night re-writing the play, early in the morning, he had woken up Imoen, and together they had rounded up his actors. Afterwards he had drilled them until he was sure they could at least deliver their lines without hesitating too much. Getting anything at all beyond that from them was a bonus, but not something he relied on.

Now it was five minutes before the play was about to start, and everything was pure chaos behind the stage. Solaufein desperately tried to check that everyone found their right costume, get the props in place (and keep them from falling over), and ensure that no one accidentally triggered the special effect illusions that he and Jan had prepared earlier. Wiping sweat from his brow, he paused and surveyed the mayhem. Anomen was busy squeezing himself into a far too tight pair of tights, Jaheira was searching through a rack of dresses for her corset, and Jan was? nowhere to be seen.

?Has anyone seen the gnome?? Solaufein shouted desperately.

?I?m right here,? Jan came rushing in through the side entrance, already wearing the dark-blue robe embroidered with intricate golden stars that was supposed to be his costume. The artisan who had made it was a generous person. He had not been exactly miserly with the fabric and it seemed that he had been extremely concerned with making a ?fit all? sized outfit. Unfortunately, he had not taken into consideration that it should also fit gnomes, and Jan had to apply considerable effort to act as a one with his mantle. He held as much of it as he could grip with both his hands, but still a couple of feet of the fabric dragged behind him, bringing to mind wedding trains. It was only a matter of time before he would trip.

?Ahem, Jan?? Jan looked up at Solaufein and his pointy hat immediately slipped down and would have covered his whole head, if his nose had not stopped its progress. Jan dropped the folds of his robe and tried to rebalance the hat. Solaufein took it out of his hands, and threw it in the corner of the room.

?Jan,? repeated the Drow, ?remember how I taught you to walk around while reciting your lines?? Jan nodded, and his face became almost as tragic as his role demanded.

?Remember how I told you that it is absolutely necessary?? inquired Solaufein. Jan nodded again, tears appearing at his eyes.

?Now, Jan. Forget what I said! Just go to the middle of the stage and stop. Turn to the public and deliver your speech.?

Jan looked like he figured that arguing with the Drow was useless. ?Fine,? the gnome mumbled in reply and looked around; Solaufein followed his gaze, which was directed at another gnome whom Jan had brought along.

?That?s Angus,? Jan introduced the newcomer. Solaufein thought that if it had not been for Jan?s outrageous costume, he would have noticed Angus quicker. The younger Gnome standing behind Jan wore pants that only reached his knees, and a slightly dirty white shirt. A much too big cap was tucked down on a head filled with brown curls and he was carrying a lute that was almost as big as himself.

?Angus wanted to say hello before we start,? Jan remarked.

?G?day,? Angus flashed a big grin at Solaufein. ?Nice set up. Looking forward to the gig. Um, there?s going to be a party afterwards, yeah? With girls and booze and stuff? ?Cause Jan said??

?Yes, yes, I am sure there will be a party? somewhere.? Solaufein sighed. ?Nice to meet you, and all that. Now get out there get ready to play something warm and romantic, we are late already!?

?You?re the boss?? Angus shrugged and left, and Solaufein was about to yell ?PLACES!?, when an irritated shout from Jaheira distracted him.

?Look at this!?

A Turnip Named Desire
Part IX: A Touch Too Much

Solaufein studied Jaheira. She was wearing a dress with puffy lace sleeves and fake pearls embroidered around the generously revealing neckline. It was white. White as snow. White as innocence itself. Except for the dirty gray spots where the charcoal that she had smeared on her skin, had rubbed off on it. In addition, she was holding a whip with a snakehead handle. The effect was surreal to say the least.

?I cannot find the costume I was supposed to wear, and this is the only other I can find that fits me!? she complained. ?How am I supposed to play a Drow priestess wearing something like? like this?!?

Solaufein?s heart sank, and he hid his face in his hands for a moment. ?Improvise,? he finally said. ?Just improvise.?

?But?? Jaheira started.

?I can hardly walk in these tights!? Anomen interrupted, while awkwardly trying to make his way over to his place on the stage. ?At least your dress allows you to move!?

?Do you want to swap, my dear Anomen?? asked Jaheira in dangerously sweet voice. ?You would probably look slightly less ridiculous in a white dress, than in that?? that was the first time Solaufein have seen Jaheira be lost for words. ?That?thing??

Solaufein slowly turned around and found that he was agreeing with Jaheira?s definition. No Elven, Drow, Human, Gnomish or Dwarven word was suitable to describe Anomen?s outfit at the moment. There was a half-forgotten adjective from a High Elven dialect that could have been appropriate, but Solaufein had only studied the language superficially and could not quite place his finger on the word he was seeking. ?That thing? would do as a loose translation, he thought absently.

The tall, massive warrior had stuffed himself into something that was originally made for a very slender youth. In places, the seams gave already. The pants shyly stopped somewhere at mid-calf, allowing for an impressive display of Anomen?s hairy, muscular legs. The situation was even worse above his belt line. Solaufein, used to smooth Elven skin, felt slightly queasy at the sight offered by the collar cut, which burst open at Anomen?s wide chest. And taking into account the vivid bright-red color of the costume?

?Hey, shapely butt!? Jan put his two cents in. ?Reminds me of the time when I was smuggling monkeys. Jaheira, did you know that there are monkeys that have very red hind parts??

?Yes I do actually,? the druid replied, ?and from what I have heard, the color tends to become even more intense during mating season.?

?Oh, yes I know,? Jan said, ?and it is interesting that you should mention mating, because those monkeys I used to smuggle had some very odd habits??

Anomen growled and rushed away. Solaufein ran after him, trying to ignore the sounds of Jan and Jaheira giggling. He suspected that Jan was telling Jaheira another dirty joke in a hushed voice, but he was bent on his task to get Anomen back and on stage, no matter what and no matter how he looked. To his relief, he found Anomen behind the costume racks in the back. The knight was busy putting on parts of his armor over his attire.

?Not a word out of you! I will do it, but I am only doing it for Sinober,? said the knight grimly. Solaufein nodded and they returned to the rest of company.

?At least the colors match?? said Jaheira, looking critically at the combination of the Red Dragon Plate armor and the bright-red leggings.

?You think?? asked Jan. ?I?d say the armor is slightly more pinkish than the pants??

Jaheira squinted, and gave her expert opinion: ?You might be right, Jan. But in the shine Solfy conjured around the scene it will not be very pronounced??

Anomen roared and stepped on the edge of Jan?s robe. ?What are you doing? I can fall down! ? Jan pointed out. ?I?m afraid I?m going to trip with every step I take as it is!?

A happy grin appeared on Anomen?s face. ?Oh my, that would be such a shame?? he commented cheerfully.

?All of you will have to deal with things the way they are. Keep in mind WHY we are doing the play,? said Solaufein calmly. The trio sighed and exchanged sour glances and Anomen took his foot off the folds of Jan?s robe.

Jaheira said: ?It is an interesting combination after all. You look?err? she stopped, obviously searching for the right words to encourage Anomen. Jan helped: ?Better than Jaheira and I.?

Solaufein ignored them all, and stared at the floor, quietly and steadily counting down from ten to zero, from zero to ten and tried to compose a song in a Duergar dialect simultaneously, to calm his nerves. Inside, the same icy feeling was growing, that he always used to have just before a battle was about to begin. ?Oh, Lady Silverhair, do bestow your favor upon us tonight, for we need it,? he prayed to Elistraee. At last, the Drow lifted his head, and gave the order:

?PLACES!?

He watched the three adventurers-turned-actors move with more or less ease and waited until they had found their positions before finally requesting: ?MUSIC!?


***************************


When Sinober, Imoen and Valygar came downstairs it became apparent that they would not be able to find Anomen even if he was in the audience. The theatre was packed. Sinober sighed. Only a miracle would help her to see Anomen among the buzzing crowd. It looked like representatives from all layers of society were present; all of them groomed and dressed in their finest clothes. She felt terribly ill at ease, but at least she was not wearing her riding clothes.

Sinober stopped and looked around at the audience. She recognized a few Cowled Wizards trying to look insignificant in the back, as well as some other vaguely familiar faces she thought she had seen in the Government Building. She knew Aran Linvail and a few of his closest associates were somewhere in the crowd too, and so was Wessalen, the head knight of Anomen?s order. She hoped that they had not been seated next to each other. Anomen himself was nowhere to be seen.

Sinober forced a smile and followed her sister to their appointed seats in front of the stage. Around her, the crowd fell silent as the lights dimmed down. The only illumination that remained was a vague blue radiance around the small orchestra pit next to the stage. Smoke was welling up from it, slowly dissolving just before it reached the first row of seats. Then someone started to vigorously bang on a drum.

Up from the smoke, five people came into view. Sinober?s brain registered that two of them were Gnomes holding lutes, a Half-Orc with some un-identifiable instrument in his hands and the drummer looked to be a Dwarf banging two hammers on a big shield? then her mind shut down in self-defense, and her eardrums threatened to give in from the assault of sounds that hit her.

The drum rhythm was followed up by a matching bass theme that seemed to make the room vibrate with its deep pitch. Then the lute players started hitting on the strings of their instruments, and in a spine-twisting contrast to the bass, a high-pitched twin whine filled the room. When it had almost faded, the two gnomes started treating their instruments with an almost eerie, rapid synchronicity. Their small chubby fingers danced along the necks of their lutes and produced something, which in lack for any better word for it, could be called a melody.

At this point, Sinober was slowly starting to become used to the sounds, and thought to herself that it could at least not get any worse. This theory was instantly proved false, when the only member of the group who was not playing an instrument, an elf by the looks of him (or was it a her? It was impossible to tell for sure; most of all the creature resembled a mop with the brush-side turned up, and pointy ears sticking out on the sides), started singing:

?It was one of those nights when you turn out the lights
and everything comes into view
She was taking her time, I was losing my mind
There was nothing that she wouldn't do ??*

Elves, Sinober thought, are supposed to have singing-voices that sound like the chiming of small silver bells, or the clucking of a forest brook. She wondered what had happened to the vocal chords of this one; he did not sing, as much as shriek, growl and moan the lyrics. Though she figured he had to have quite impressive voice volume to be able to ?sing? loud enough to be heard above the racket the rest of the band made. The heroic elf managed that titanic task and the lyrics were decipherable. Unfortunately.

?Seems like a touch, a touch too much!
Too much for my body, too much for my brain
This damn woman's gonna drive me insane!?

The elf continued, while making suggestive movements just in case the audience had failed to understand from the lyrics exactly what kind of touching he was singing about. Sinober looked around, and noticed the pale, disbelieving, expressions that occupied the faces of those around her. An elderly woman looked dangerously close to fainting. Sinober sank down in her seat, trying to make herself as small as possible. The play had not even started yet, and it was already a disaster.


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* Lyrics to the song are borrowed from ?Touch to Much? by AC/DC

A Turnip Named Desire
Part X: A Play by Any Other Name?

Finally, the song ended with a drum roll, and in the sudden silence that followed, Sinober felt as though her head had filled with cotton wool. Just before the light around the band faded, she caught a glimpse of one of the gnomes turning his back to the audience and starting to pull down his pants. Fortunately, at the same time the curtains opened, and most of crowd?s attention focused on the lone figure standing in a column of light on the otherwise dark stage.

Sinober was stunned. The bard thought that she recognized?well, barely recognized Anomen. He looked incredibly uncomfortable, and she could not really blame him. The costume her poor knighty-bear was wearing, was impossible both in color and in shape. He was evidently playing Whitten and though he sounded nervous and spoke a fair bit faster than he should, he managed to say his lines.

?My master taught me much of magic and spell, but I learned much more when winter fell... For with the snow came a woman lost... Karenina she was, a black-hearted Drow, but 'twas she and my master both that paid the cost... ? Anomen finished his monologue, visibly relieved when he was done.

A Drow? Karenina - a Drow?! Oh, ye GODS!

The light surrounding Anomen faded, after a short while the stage-lights came on, and a snowy-mountain background became visible. In front of it, among cardboard rocks and trees, Jaheira stood looking very un-Drow like in her white dress. Her face and arms were artfully blackened by charcoal and Sinober could see that some of it had already stained the dress. The druid stared angrily out at the audience. Her mouth was a strict, horizontal line and she had a wrinkle between her eyebrows that looked deep enough to go all the way into her brain.

?Where am I? How did I get here?? she shouted. ?By Lolth, where have all my slaves disappeared? This cold, bright light, it burns my eyes! Is this? the surface? Then it has transpired like I feared: my sister, mighty and cruel, I knew she would betray me one day.?

Jaheira turned, and looked around, shadowing her eyes with a hand. ?Now what is this I see before me? a building, a tower? is it abandoned and empty? It matters not; I shall take possession of it! If there are inhabitants, they will become my slaves. Yes! From this place I shall plot my revenge and? wait, someone approaches.?

And someone was indeed approaching, although rather slowly and with some difficulty. Sinober cringed as she watched Jan (or at least she assumed that it was he somewhere inside all the blue fabric) make his way across the stage towards Jaheira.

?Hail,? he started, and then his hat threatened to fall down and he paused to grab a hold of it. ?Hail woman of the caverns below,? he continued, unaffected. ?I have seen you wander through the wind and the snow. Though I wished it not, you made your way here... I shall call my apprentice to tend to you, quickly. But then you must go, I would fear.?

?What do you mean?? Jaheira demanded, looking down at her gnomish fellow actor, with a superior expression. ?Who are you to presume you can order me around?

?A-ask no more questions, woman, but come inside from the cold.? Jan backed away a little, nearly tripping in the folds of his robe that had gathered behind him. ?The keep is warm enough, for now, and the boy will come as he was told.?

?Wait, male worm! Have you no name?? Jaheira sneered, and cracked her whip, which to Sinober?s amazement produced laughter among the younger part of the audience.

?I... am the wizard Velden,? Jan gulped. ?Does this frighten you??

?I fear no surface male!? Jaheira declared. ?For I am Karenina, favored by Lolth!?

Sinober watched the scenes unfolding on stage and she realized that the only person who was able to re-write the play in that particular way, was Solaufein of Ust-Natha. Solaufein was talented, and the dialogues were smooth and entangling, but it could not possibly work! The Turmish Play was a story of a vulnerable innocent girl and a dark, wizened man, and this? was definitely not. However, Sinober noticed the interest in the eyes of the poorer part of the audience, gazing at the ?Drow?, and she saw the expectation in the eyes of more elaborate public, who seemed pleasantly surprised at being treated to something different than the ?Turmish Play? which they had probably already seen several times.

Maybe it can actually work then, Sinober thought. And because of this vague possibility for success, she became increasingly nervous. She noticed every awkward move her companions made, every time they hesitated when delivering their lines, and almost without noticing it, she bit her knuckles every time it happened.

The scene that turned the play around from being merely a novelty, to something greater, was between Anomen and Jan, in the wizard?s study. It was a simple setting: a dimly lit room with a few chairs and bookshelves. Jan was sitting by a desk. Cold winter-like light fell on him from an illusionary window high up on the wall, and he pretended to be writing something when Anomen came in, walking slowly and stiffly.

?Master Velden, I do not understand? why have you offered shelter to such a dangerous woman?? Anomen inquired.

?The Drow is dangerous, I know, but how could I leave her there, alone and helpless in the snow?? Jan returned in a tired voice.

?Please, reconsider! If you do not have the heart to slay her, then throw her out at least, or else before we know it, she may kill us in our sleep!? Anomen continued, sounding just as uncomfortable as he looked.

?She is honorable, in her own way. She does not seek our destruction, only that of the ones who banished her from her home. Do not concern yourself, Whitten? be about your business? go, I say.? Jan ordered.

?Then the dark one has enchanted you and clouded your mind so you cannot see? Master, please I beg of thee??

?Did I not tell you to leave?? Jan turned and looked at Anomen for the first time during the exchange.

?As you wish,? Anomen sighed, bowed slightly and made his way out, leaving Jan alone on stage.

The gnome turned to look up at the window. The light shining on his face became brighter, while the stage-lights were dimmed, making him seem incredibly lonely and sad. ?Yes, pupil. She is indeed dangerous to me. She scares me nearly out of my wit. But something about her touches me deeper than I would care to admit.?

From that moment on, it did not matter that a gnome played Velden in a much-too-large robe, or that Karenina the Drow priestess was a half-elf in a white dress. It did not even matter that a knight dressed in an odd, and ill-fitting, combination of plate armor and red garbs played Whitten. The audience was sucked into the impossible plot; they watched with breathless fascination as the doomed romance developed between Karenina and Velden. Even Sinober, who knew the actors just a little bit too well to be able to get into it, found herself secretly hoping that Solaufein had written a happy ending for them.

As the end approached, it became apparent that he had intended it to be every bit as tragic as the original play, however.

Jaheira and Jan were on the stage, which was now made out to look like a winter garden at sunset. ?Take your passion while you may, Velden!? Jaheira said in a husky voice. ?Accept my love and warm yourself this once! Then we shall return to my home, and take back the power that is rightfully mine! Together no one will be able to stand against us! With you by my side, I shall not fail!? she kneeled down beside Jan, and placed a hand on his shoulder.

?No? I cannot do as you as you wish, Karenina.? The Gnome pulled away and shook his head sadly. ?To leave this place... and all my work? behind would be a pain for me I cannot speak. Do not ask this of me, I beg you... ?

?Do not beg,? she stood up, and half turned away from the little man, speaking slowly in a low voice as if every word was painful to utter. ?It reminds me of the fearful behavior my? pathetic male slaves used to show. For you? I have abandoned my faith and my pride. You made me feel what I forbade myself before? now it is to late, I cannot let you go!?

?I am sorry, Karenina I? cannot be what you wish me to be.? He hid his face in his hands.

?You deny me???Jaheira whirled around and stared angrily at Jan. ?You dare humiliate me, after all I have sacrificed?! Then prepare yourself, for I shall have to destroy you in turn! My only choice now is to regain the favor of my goddess by offering what I hold dear, by offering you! Enjoy the last seconds of your life, for soon in the name of Lolth you shall burn!? She raised her arms over her head in a dramatic gesture, and slightly transparent images of spiders and snakes appeared in the air around her.

?Karenina, no!? Jan cried, and lifted his own arms, mumbled something barely audible, made a few gestures with his hands, and an aura of blue light appeared around him. ?Please, my love, do not do this??

?It is too late, fool!? Jaheira roared and green sparks seemed to fly from her fingers towards Jan. He in turn was firing what looked like bolts of golden energy towards her, and soon after the whole stage was filled with smoke and colorful ?magical? explosions that concealed the two actors completely. Sinober recognized that it was merely illusions, but the majority of the audience, unused to magic as they were, gasped at the display.

When the smoke lifted, a sad tableau came into view of a crying Jan sitting by the feet of a statue that looked very much like Jaheira. Sinober briefly wondered if she had actually allowed them to use a Flesh to Stone spell on her. Anomen came in from the left and stopped next to the weeping gnome.

?I do not understand, my master... why do you cry so?? He said and glanced briefly at the statue. ?What have you done to Karenina??

?The kindest and cruelest act that I could summon, good pupil,? Jan sobbed in reply. ?The Drow is gone. Now go.?

?Gone? She is dead, then?? Anomen continued.

?How dim-witted are you? Can you not see that I have? I have turned her into a statue? Karenina wanted me to be part of a different life. She would not accept that I would not join her in her quest for revenge, Whitten. But? but truer still, I could not bear to part with her... my wife.?

?You... you are married, my Master?!?

?Aye. Married now and forever more? though in spirit more than in any other sense. Karenina will stand forever for me to look upon... and she will not suffer the pain that would make her weep... nor the triumph over her enemies that she craved. For Karenina is now eternal stone... and in that blessed stone forever shall she sleep? Jan raised himself up slowly from the floor and turned towards the statue.

?Now go, my pupil... leave me with my bride,? he continued, and once again the light around him faded until there was only a cone left illuminating him and the statue of Jaheira. ?I shall touch her cold and unrelenting cheek once more? He lifted his arm, and extended his hand towards her face as far as he could, barely managing to brush her chin with his fingertips. ?Tonight a part of me has died inside.?


The distant sound of a slow and sad flute tune, played by someone, somewhere in the playhouse, indicated that the play was over. The curtain fell. The light disappeared. Then the flute stopped playing. It suddenly became very quiet. Not a breath, not a clap?

Imoen shifted in her seat: ?Applause, where is the applause? Why they do not applaud? They did not like it?? whispered she nervously, biting her lips.

Sinober put her hand on Imoen?s shoulder and to her surprise Imoen noticed a triumphant smile on the bard?s face. ?They do,? said she simply. ?Look, Imoen, look at their faces! They look like lunatics, like people just woken from a dream! They will applaud, just give them time to come to their senses.?

As a confirmation of her assessment, came the roar of applauds. Some cried, some shouted bravo, some whistled their appreciation.

The fairy lights lit up the stage. The curtain was still down. Sinober shook her head, ?Solaufein?anyone who can make Jaheira, Jan and Anomen deliver performances like that must be born to be a director??

The applause mounted, and when they reached climax, the curtain moved. Jan, Jaheira and Anomen, hand in hand stood in the middle of the stage. They bowed, pleased and seemingly relieved to have reached the end of the whole endeavor. Jan was saying something to Jaheira, smiling from ear to ear and to the delight of spectators; Jaheira leaned down and gave the gnome a huge, sincere kiss. The gnome smeared the black spot around his lips and grabbed a firm hold of the druid?s hand. She looked down on him and smiled, her affectionate gaze seemed to indicate that a shrubbery could also be a rose bush?

Someone?s voice rised above the applause, yelling: ?Author - on stage!? and it was immediately repeated by many of the spectators. Then it happened. The awkward looking man, who played Whitten suddenly jumped down from the stage, young and graceful, and rushed towards the first row. He kneeled in front of Sinober, a picture perfect of a noble Lord (except for the minor detail of the ridiculous costume). The audience gasped; many jumped up to their feet to see this unexpected continuation of the play.

Anomen?s eyes shone. ?My Lady,? he offered, when his voice returned, ?My Lady, would you do us the honor of joining us on the stage??

Sinober could not speak for the lump in her throat. She had thought Anomen did not care about her infatuation with the Theatre! Anomen, her proud knight, had walked around, wearing an idiotic costume, speaking hundreds of memorized words?and somehow she knew that she was the only reason he had done that. He loved her more than his own pride; he loved her more than he loved himself. Sinober cried from happiness, when Anomen lightly lifted her above the crowd and carried her on stage.

?Sinober ? the author!? he announced proudly, putting his lover down. The crowd was going wild.

Sinober closed her eyes, against the applause, against the dazzling feeling of success and enjoyed it all. Then she realized that it was not entirely her triumph. She was not the one who made the final, incredible version of the play. She turned around and noticed the Drow behind the curtain. Sinober was a decisive woman. A split second later Solaufein was kicked out from his hiding spot and stood in the full light, squinting. Instinctively, he folded his arms across his chest in a Drow sign of peaceful intentions. However, the audience en masse was unfamiliar with Drow cultural particularities, but they knew very well to fear the dark Elves.

The crowd fell silent. Indeed, Karenina, the charcoal Drow, made them laugh in the beginning and cry in the end of the play. However, a living and breathing Drow was another story. A woman started sobbing, and the panic was about to break out, when something akin to a pink firework flew up into the air in the front. It yelled: ?Solaufein, you are a genius! Bravo! Bravo! Your buddy Drizzt will be proud of you!? At close examination the firework turned out to be a girl with pink hair, dressed in pink, who was balancing gracefully on top of the back of her chair.

The name of the legendary Drow hero and the incredible agility of the girl turned people?s minds away from the dark fame of the outcast Elven nation. They started wondering about the man on stage, the man who apparently had written the play that touched their hearts. It could not be that a friend of Drizzt was a vicious killer, this simply did not fit with how they their world worked. As the girl continued clapping, shouting and laughing enthusiastically, and her neighbor, a tall, dark man raised and joined her cheers, the ice broke. Another neighbor joined, then the whole row, until the fear was forgotten.


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Amidst all the merriment Solaufein stood, lost in his thoughts about the owner of cinnamon eyes with golden specks. In the room filled with cheering people whom a moment ago was more or less ready to either lynch him or run away screaming, the pink-haired human girl was the only one he could see. Hers was the only praise he cared about.

It must be the accidental predestination, he thought. Love could indeed strike anyone, anywhere? but only if it was meant to happen. Solaufein now knew this to be true. He now knew that the more unlikely it was for someone to fall in love, the more likely it was that they would fall in love. This awkward law worked for anyone walking the surface. Even for a Drow.

Solaufein extended his arms towards Imoen and a moment later, a purple fairy flame outlined her delicate figure. She looked quite pleased with the color match.

Valygar smiled, watching his would-be bride?s and Solaufein?s eyes meet. The ranger caught Imoen in mid-air when she toppled of the back of her chair, and set her gently on the floor. Not that standing on the ground appeared to give her any more stability. Imoen did not look like she had noticed the fall, she did not appear to notice anything at all but the slender black Elf, who descended from the stage and was making his way through the crowd that had gathered around the stage. People were touching him, catching the edges of his dark cloak, asking him something, laughing? He slid past the faces and hands, while absentmindedly giving out polite bows: ?Thank you for coming. I hope you enjoyed the play. Excuse me??

In the midst of the excited crowd Solaufein finally took Imoen in his arms, and suddenly knowing just the right words, he whispered into her ear, ?I think? I have always loved you.?

Imoen smiled contentedly, pressing her burning cheek against his soft cloak. ?I knew it all along!? was the last coherent thought she had before he kissed her.

?Imoen and Solaufein?? mumbled a bedazzled Sinober, watching the kissing couple still illuminated by purple flames.

Where her sister?s love affairs were concerned, common sense appeared to be an unnecessary ornament. Sinober idly wondered what had happened to poor Valygar. She scanned the audience, but could not spot the ranger anywhere.


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Valygar had directed himself to the exit, smiling to himself. No, his presence was not required any longer. He had almost reached the doors, when they busted open and a very pale lady stepped inside of the playhouse, shaking off a half-conscious usher.

She immediately saw Valygar and her eyes narrowed: ?Valygar Enriqo Loengrin Corrado Corthala!?

Valygar ducked away from the flashing dagger. ?I can explain everything?? he offered with the most charming smile he could manage.

?Your note said that a girl is carrying your baby?? inquired the lady.

?I did not have time to finish the note before leaving,? parried Valygar. ?It was just an innocent lie of a child.?

?Are you marrying her?? the woman asked, still clutching her dagger and eyeing him suspiciously.

?No,? answered the ranger shortly.

The female smiled with relief, and sheathed her weapon: ?One day you will have to tell me the whole story, love.?

Valygar laughed. ?I am afraid it will have to wait until I know it from the beginning to the end myself.?

Hand in hand, the couple left the theatre.


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The play was over, but the rumors just started to take shape. If you happen to stop by the ?Five Flagons? one of these days, you will be served a story of the very first show of the ?Amnish Play? along with a mug of strong ale. However, do not trust Mister Thunderburp?s account! For we have told you the truth and we can assure you, we have learnt it from VERY reliable sources?


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The End