---------------
"The Confectioner?" Artemis asked plaintively, looking at the sugar golems, who were advancing on them. Jarlaxle, on the other hand, was bright-eyed and eager.
"Attempting to sweeten the world no doubt." Jarlaxle said, pulling two daggers out of his bracer and flicking them into longswords.
"Am I going to have to listen to your bad puns all afternoon?" Artemis asked sourly as he pulled Charon's Claw and his dagger, though he wasn't sure if he wanted to draw any lifeforce from these creatures. Sweetness was not in his description.
"Only if you don't sweeten your disposition!" Jarlaxle replied cheerfully and skipped out of the way of a kick from Artemis.
"If you don't stop that, I'm going to melt you." the assassin snarled. Jarlaxle laughed and precceeded to attack the golems. To Artemis' horror, Jarlaxle picked up a pinky and stuck it into his mouth as something to suck on. "Oh, you have got to be kidding me." he said, taking the head of a golem as Jarlaxle's movements became increasingly spastic and less focused.
"Artemis, my friend! I suddenly have more energy than normal. Why?" Jarlaxle asked, finally managing to still himself, only to have his fingers start drumming impatiently. Artemis sheathed his weapons and slapped his hand to his forehead as he considered the reprecussions of Jarlaxle's condition. "Why, why, why, why?" Jarlaxle demanded, sounding more like a child than a full grown drow.
"Sugar high, Jarlaxle. You've been eating too much sugar. Spit the," he couldn't believe he was actually saying this. "Finger out. Now." Artemis said. Jarlaxle shook his head and Artemis had the sudden, unpleasent image of him prying it out of Jarlaxle's mouth.
"I can't." he said and stuck his tongue out. Artemis recoiled, then forced himself to look. There was no trace of it.
"You swallowed it?" he asked. Jarlaxle shook his head.
"It melted." he replied and Artemis closed his eyes, sighed and almost killed Jarlaxle right then. When he opened his eyes, Jarlaxle was reaching for another appendage.
"No!" Artemis barked, knocked the middle finger out of Jarlaxle's hand and pushed the protesting Drow out of the room. "No more sugar!"
----------------------------
"Oh, no."
"Oh, yes!"
This was the reaction as they reached another room of the small castle to encounter gummy wyrms. The cackle of the Confectioner was heard over head and Artemis had to stop himself from turning around and walking out, dragging Jarlaxle with him. The bounty on the man was too good for even Artemis to pass up.
"Wyrms, ho!" Jarlaxle cried and attacked. Swearing under his breath, Artemis pulled his weapons and followed, cutting the wyrms down and snatching any sugary substances out of his partner's hand.
"I said no." Artemis said when Jarlaxle started to whine. The drow hmphed and moved to the opposited end of the room. Artemis caught glimpses of him munching on a gummy leg and groaned, taking his irritation out on the creatures infront of him. "We just had to take this bounty. Even I was in favor of it." he said, pausing as Jarlaxle took the head of one of the wyrms. "Me and my brilliant ideas." he said and returned to his fighting, taking out the worrisome wyrms.
"Artemis! Isn't this wonderful?!?" Jarlaxle asked after the last one had been killed, eating a tail now. "All this candy!" he said, offering Artemis a wing. The assassin eyed it for a moment, then shrugged, breaking off a wing-tip and munching on it.
"Okay, it's not that bad." he admitted, feeling a boost in energy.
"See? I knew you'd find your candied hard softened!" Jarlaxle said happily and grinned at Artemis' glare.
"Let's just get out of here." he said, leading the drow out of the room.
----------------------------
"Oh, now that's just sick." Artemis said as he looked at the rock candy trolls, a fan of rock candy himself, lumbering towards them.
"I thought nothing could be worse than trolls, until I encountered this carniverous cadre of cavity-causing creatures." Jarlaxle said and shook his head.
"For once, I agree. It's a shame to see rock candy go to waste." he said, drawing his swords.
"Not if you like." Jarlaxle said and the two circled around the rock candy trolls. It didn't take long for the trolls to fall and Artemis was eating a rock candy thumb. "Trying to thumb a meal?" Jarlaxle teased and Artemis shrugged.
"If it works."
-------------------------
Artemis and Jarlaxle, panting, finally reached the top of the longest flight of stairs either had ever climbed. Sitting on the top step, they paused to catch their breath.
"I almost wish you'd let me grab some of those golem pieces. It certainly would have helped after the fifteenth floor." he said. Artemis waved his hand.
"You couldn't have levitated us the rest of the way?" he asked.
"Levitate means up, not fly." Jarlaxle retorted. The two sat there, waiting for their breathing to ease before getting up.
"Here." Artemis said, producing sugar index finger and a gummy talon. "Against my better judgement, eat these." he said. Jarlaxle's eyes lit up and Artemis sighed as the drow ate the confections. When he was nearly bouncing off the walls on another sugar high, Artemis opened the door and followed Jarlaxe inside. The cackling Confectioner cavorted amongst his creations, cotton candy centaurs and candycorn cockatrice. "This was a bad idea." Artemis murmured as Jarlaxle drew his swords and his pulled his weapons. The hissing of the weapons caught the Confectioners attention. He turned and regarded them for a moment.
"Haha," cackled the confectioner, "You can't stop me! I will control Carradoon, creating confectionary creatures to battle the bakers, beat down the butchers and crush the candlestick makers. All before defeating the dentists." he said and again Artemis considered just walking out, dragging Jarlaxle along. The confused drow nudged Artemis' arm with his elbow.
"What's a dentist?" he asked. Artemis shook his head.
"Where I'm taking you when we're done here." he replied. "Come on, drop the act and let's get this over with. I still have to deal with the fallout of his sugar high." Artemis said, jerking his thumb at Jarlaxle, who only grinned and stepped forward.
"You dastardly doer of despicable deeds! We will demolish your dark desires to defeat the....Dentists?" again Jarlaxle looked confused. "Why would you anyone want to defeat a dentist?" he asked.
"Because dentists can ruin my plans! Candy will ruin the children's teeth and when there are no dentists to fix them, I will be able to rule Carradoon!" Confectioner yelled. Jarlaxle and Artemis both looked confused.
"Can we kill him now?" Artemis asked after a moment.
"Not yet, I haven't quite figured out what a dentist is." Jarlaxle said and the centaurs and Cockatrice attacked. The candycorn cockatrice were taken down easily, but the cottoncandy centaur's took longer. When they were finally finished, Artemis was picking cottoncandy out of his hair while Jarlaxle munched away happily on an upper arm.
"You have defeated my guards, but you shall not defeat me!" Confectioner yelled and cast Magic missile. Artemis flinched as whipped cream splattered him in the face. Jarlaxle laughed until a banana cream pie hit the side of his head, splattering his hat as well. Then Artemis cracked the first grin he'd felt in hours. "You two candy-stripers cannot capture the Confectioner!" he yelled again. Jarlaxle looked at Artemis.
"Okay, I'm ready to kill him now." he said, pulling his hat off and staring at the feather.
"Finally." Artemis replied with a roll of his eyes. Both men turned and rushed the wizard, swords working to break through the rock candy that Stoneskin had produced. Finally, Artemis swung his sword around and smashed through the rock candy skin with it's pommel. Confectioner cried out and stumbled back as his skin broke free.
"Capitulate candy corrupting criminal!" Jarlaxle cried, resting his sword tip at Confectioner's throat.
"Do what?" Confectioner and Artemis asked at the same time.
"Surrender." Jarlaxle explained. "Honestly, having to explain it just takes away the style of it." he complained.
"I'm going to stand over here with my fingers in my ears." Artemis said, walking over another side of the room. Finally after much bickering back and forth, Jarlaxle motioned for the wizard to turn around as he pulled his hat off and took out enough cord to tie his hands behind his back. "Done?" Artemis asked, walking back over.
"Yep." Jarlaxle replied.
"You won't get away with this." Confectioner said. Both men glared at him.
"Shut up."
-----------------A Week Later---------------
"If I never have to see another piece of candy it will be too soon." Artemis said with a sigh as he laid down on his bed in the Inn. The door opened and a bag sailed across the room to land on his stomach.
"Chocolate!" Jarlaxle said, smiling as he sat on his bed. Artemis sighed again, put the bag off to the side, sat on the edge and lunged across the space to tackle the Drow.
"I said no more sugar!" Artemis said, sitting with one knee on Jarlaxle's chest, yanked the bag from his hand and scrambled off him to get the other bag from his bed before moving to the window and opening it before Jarlaxle could get on his feet.
"But Artemis! Two bags with a pound each! It's only chocolate!" he said. Artemis' gray eyes narrowed suspiciously.
"What's the difference?" he asked.
"Chocolate is made from coco beans and sugar is made from sugar cane." Jarlaxle said, rising and moving towards Artemis. The assassin's hand stretched out the window.
"One more step and the chocolate gets it." he said and eyed Jarlaxle curiously. "Is there sugar in chocolate?" he asked.
"Well, there'd have to be! I mean otherwise it would taste like-" he broke off as Artemis raised his hand.
"All right. One piece. Each." he added at Jarlaxle's crafty expression. Cautiously, he pulled a piece out and tossed it to Jarlaxle who nibbled on it. He took one of his own and with a little effort, stuck both in his belt pouch. "Hands off." he warned and Jarlaxle nodded.
"So, have you heard about that bounty on the group of Kobolds? From some one named Tucker?" Jarlaxle asked and Artemis groaned.
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Author's Note: Normally I put these on the top of the fic, but somehow I just don't think that would be best in this case. I put the abuse of the C and D buttons on my own twisted imagination. I think Jarlaxle is so far out of character, he's jumping up and down waving his hat trying to get his characters attention. Artemis should be pretty close though and Confectioner is just plain corny. Candy corny.
Disclaimer: Jarlaxle Baenre and Artemis Entreri belong to R.A. Salvatore, Confectioner belongs to me.
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Edited by HighTimeRodeo, 20 July 2009 - 10:13 AM.
